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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ideas to re-connect to distant DH

51 replies

AnikAnik · 28/12/2013 03:59

Quick background info: married for 9 yrs, DD 3y, DS 18month, am a SAHM. Moved several times in the last 2 yrs for DH work, now in a new town, no friends/family close to help with kids. DH has some health issues affecting his sleep periodically.

After a recent argument DH stopped talking to me. Usually we reconnect, apologize etc. This time it has not happened. DH is distancing himself, going out on his own a lot. Also, I moved to DS's bedroom a few month ago to help DH's sleep as the baby was waking a lot. Now I am stuck in spare room & not welcome in our bedroom. DS is sleeping better, so could stay in own room.

We seem to have lost the connection between us completely and I'm not sure how to get it back. Have tried talking, but DH is dismissive/evasive. We talk, but only about day to day stuff and the kids. Bought him Christmas presents, which he has not opened, just put aside. I have not reacted to this. I fear if I confront him/demand change etc he will blow up and it will be worse. (He has form for this!) But don't just want to sit here and say nothing either?? Not sure really, he just seems to have gone off me completely and wants nothing to do with me. Not sure where to go from here or what to do.

OP posts:

Lavenderhoney · 28/12/2013 04:29

Gosh that sounds awful. He won't let you back in your bedroom? His reason for this is? Really, he is the one being awkward, he should be in the spare room.

Why did you move? I'm guessing its his work, new job or relocation?

It all sounds very extreme and mean to stop speaking to you, refuse to open gifts etc over an argument. Is the row resolved and he unhappy with the outcome?

Tell him he has to talk to you, he is being unfair, spoiling Christmas and expecting you to wait for him to decide when he has punished you enough.
Its not fair on the dc either. How stressful for you.

Original poster

AnikAnik · 28/12/2013 04:59

Argument is resolved. He was annoyed by something I did (fair point!) and I apologized as soon as we first talked about it. It was a silly & unnecessary mistake I made, but nothing major like an affair etc.

He has argued in the past that even normal mistakes show I don't care for him, don't pay attention, don't take our marriage seriously, can't be relied upon, can't be trusted.... I have probably made say 25 such mistakes, but spread over the last decade, so screw up no more than the average person, I think.

Moves were for DHs work, but I was keen as we now live in a very nice town, good for the kids etc.

OP posts:

TheFunStopsHere · 28/12/2013 05:06

This doesn't sound like a very equal relationship and he sounds dreadful, to he honest. It reads like he thinks his job is to correct you and remind you of all your failings and keep you in check. Is there any love between you? He doesn't sound like he likes you very much or only in his terms. What is he doing to bridge the gap that exists between you at the moment, or is the state if your relationship all your responsibility too?

WhatAFeline · 28/12/2013 05:23

What are the health issues affecting his sleep, OP? Could they also be affecting his mood, or influencing his ability to function in the relationship with a 'normal' sense of perspective?

Original poster

AnikAnik · 28/12/2013 05:35

Health issues stop him from getting a good nights sleep - so he is often tired. However, he is fit to work full time, go out in the evenings and to the gym a couple of times a week

OP posts:

AlaskaNebraska · 28/12/2013 05:40

Affair ?

AlaskaNebraska · 28/12/2013 05:41

Plus. This mistake thing. That's weird

Lavenderhoney · 28/12/2013 05:46

Do you get to go out twice a week, pop to the gym etc? Who is he going out with if not you, seeing as its a new area?

He sounds very hard work, tbh. The whole silence thing, and you don't know why. What are you doing NYE? Assume a night in together?

MistressDeeCee · 28/12/2013 06:08

He is evading you in all ways, not giving you any leeway. You are the one making effort, and he is rebuffing you which is really unkind and cruel of him. How long is he going to keep up the grudgeful behaviour? Until youve learned your 'lesson?'. So...you don't care for him, don't pay attention, don't take your marriage seriously, can't be relied upon, can't be trusted. He has a lot of gripes, doesnt he? Is he one of those champion blamers? Nothing's his fault he's been the oh so perfect husband never made a mistake and if he has, of course his mistakes are NEVER as bad as yours. So rude. He's not your monitor in this life, remaining stuck by your side to tell you all your failings, and punish you for them. Can you imagine if we all went round acting like that?!

He is one of those men that believes they have a woman over a barrel just because she is in a relationship with him, and has children. He's gone to the level of not even opening xmas presents. Calling that childish is an insult to children. Well if he's going to be morbid and silent why doesnt he take his moany self away from you then? I dont know what else to say...except that in time to come you wont be able to live with his behaviour anyway. He sounds like a bloody nuisance.

TeaJunky · 28/12/2013 07:01

Op could you give us an example of the kind of mistakes you make?

dozeydoris · 28/12/2013 07:27

I would arrange for 'counselling' or something which you can make too important to miss, for you on a Saturday, and buggar off for most of the day leaving him to see to DCs. Then perhaps find religion and book up your Sunday at church.

I think after a couple of weekends he might have something to say to you

He is taking the mickey, you must be v busy with DCs and he should be a contributing father.

Speak to a solicitor so that you know your rights should things go tits up in the near future, you will be able to deal with him on a more equal footing than if you deal with him as a wholly dependent and vulnerable SAHM. Speak to a solicitor (just speak you don't have to do anything further).

mammadiggingdeep · 28/12/2013 09:37

Not openi g your presents is nasty. Why?? Because basically he's sulking- that's why he hasn't opened them...

Sorry to say it but I think you need to look for an ow...

SanityClause · 28/12/2013 09:44

Mistakes? That sounds very odd.

He sounds very controlling and unpleasant, frankly.

Not opening his presents is rude, and really does show he "doesn't care for you, doesn't take your marriage seriously, etc"

This is not normal behaviour Anik. It sounds more like emotional abuse.

DorothyBastard · 28/12/2013 09:51

I agree, this sounds like serious EA. What on earth are these 'mistakes' he has got you keeping tally of?

comingintomyown · 28/12/2013 09:55

Yuk he sounds like my ex who spent a great deal of time punishing me and keeping me at arms length, it was soul destroying.

I spent two years getting therapy, losing weight basically doing somersaults to reconnect with him but it was a waste of time as he had checked out long since.

Actually it wasn't a waste of time in that the therapy got me to a place where I realised I was ok and not the awful person he told me I was

Sorry probably not what you want to hear

mammadiggingdeep · 28/12/2013 10:08

Yes- the mistakes thing is not normal. You actually give a number of mistakes he thinks you've made. Can you say what type of things he considers to be mistakes?

He sounds controlling from what you say- the not being welcome on your own bedroom says it all

StillSeekingSpike · 28/12/2013 10:08

Well, you could try begging, pleading, following him from room to room crying, accept it's all your fault, you will try harder in future....
From my own experience, that's what this sort of punishing behaviour is designed to elicit. It will work for a while- then he'll up the ante.

Sorry. Also probably not what you wanted to hear

itwillgetbettersoon · 28/12/2013 10:16

I'm sorry but I think he is distancing himself from the marriage. He doesn't want to be there but isn't in a position to leave just yet.

Where does he go when he goes out.

Regarding his job if he treated his colleagues like this he would be out - so this behaviour of his with you has nothing to do with his health issues or being depressed etc.

Sorry but it doesn't look good. I've been in your position and it ended up making me so depressed. Give him an ultimatum - cheer up and make an effort or he needs to move out for a few weeks to see if things improve. Take control and get ahead.

Christmascandles · 28/12/2013 10:23

Ummm there's something not right here OP.
Reconnect.....? I'd be running if it were me!

Not welcome in your own bedroom, not opening gifts you bought him, ill but not ill enough to stop him going out and to the gym etc.....

What exactly are you getting from this marriage...?

mrsspagbol · 28/12/2013 10:31

I agree with pp who said it sounds like he doesnt want to be there. Think you should talk to solicitor to see where you stand, sort finances and basically prepare then perhaps have a chat.

Dont think you should ever be afraid to speak to your OH...

Sorry OP. I Think the presents thing is incredibly mean.

SandyDilbert · 28/12/2013 10:36

and of course you aren't allowed to comment on his mistakes are you?

Sadly I think he has distanced himself from you as he has already left the relationship - you could beg and plead, but it won't make any difference. I bet there is an OW lurking - can almost guarantee it sadly.

I agree sort finances, see solicitor and make plans for a future without him.

NewtRipley · 28/12/2013 10:38

Oh watch out for this one.

NewtRipley · 28/12/2013 10:38

Does he ever admit mistakes and apologise?

CinnamonPorridge · 28/12/2013 10:41

Anik, it sounds dreadful.

I loathe parents who sulk with children for making mistakes (because that's what I grew up with amongst other stuff).

What are those mistakes you seem to keep track of (or does he do that?)?

There is something not right here. He sounds like a passive aggressive emotionally abusive bully I'm afraid.

Or having an affair and shifting the blame to you. Or both.

NewtRipley · 28/12/2013 10:46

Cinnamon

I agree - that occurred to me too

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