Ideas to re-connect to distant DH

[AnikAnik]

Quick background info: married for 9 yrs, DD 3y, DS 18month, am a SAHM. Moved several times in the last 2 yrs for DH work, now in a new town, no friends/family close to help with kids. DH has some health issues affecting his sleep periodically.

After a recent argument DH stopped talking to me. Usually we reconnect, apologize etc. This time it has not happened. DH is distancing himself, going out on his own a lot. Also, I moved to DS's bedroom a few month ago to help DH's sleep as the baby was waking a lot. Now I am stuck in spare room & not welcome in our bedroom. DS is sleeping better, so could stay in own room.

We seem to have lost the connection between us completely and I'm not sure how to get it back. Have tried talking, but DH is dismissive/evasive. We talk, but only about day to day stuff and the kids. Bought him Christmas presents, which he has not opened, just put aside. I have not reacted to this. I fear if I confront him/demand change etc he will blow up and it will be worse. (He has form for this!) But don't just want to sit here and say nothing either?? Not sure really, he just seems to have gone off me completely and wants nothing to do with me. Not sure where to go from here or what to do.

What a nasty, passive aggressive and controlling man he sounds. Abusive in other words.

Not welcome in your own bedroom? You have as much right to be in their as he does. I would suggest that if he can't sleep with you in there, that he takes himself off elsewhere - the sofa for instance.

And this Bought him Christmas presents, which he has not opened, just put aside - again, controlling and nasty.

Please stop trying to tiptoe around him, stop trying to keep the peace. He is tying you up in knots and it will only get worse.

His bad behaviour seems to be a recurring pattern. It's damaging for you to be subjected to it, and it's damaging for your children to witness it. In time, I'm sure they will also be on the receiving end of it.

Time to put a stop to it.

His behavior is emotionally abusive -an adult who is annoyed with you just discusses the problem.

I would also be curious about what he was up to when out.

He sounds like he is having an affair.

he is emotionally abusive.

what is he doing to reach out to you and make your relationship work?

Nothing, either because he doesn't want this relationship to work or because it is not his job to make it work, it`s your's.

Either way, your husband is a budding OP, sorry.

oops bloody phone. That should say baddun, not budding

To answer questions:
Type of mistakes - i.e. bills paid late by accident, bounced a cheque once as forgot to move money to correct account, other Admin stuff, forgot appointment. Some of these things have caused embarrasment, but can mostly be fixed easily.

OW/affair has occurred to me, yes but not sure how to find out without snooping etc. I have managed to make friends since moving to town, so he could conceivably have found other OW.

I will try to get info from solicitor so I know where I stand and also think about financial ramifications should the worst happen.

What form does he have for 'blowing up'?

I lived with a flatmate who took against me and looked straight through me for 6 months or so. Absolutely soul destroying, even though there were 4 other people in the flat. To have it in your intimate relationship is destructive.

I would prepare re legals/financials, then say you are moving back into the bedroom. This is hardly unreasonable. It should precipitate change in some form by the sound of it.

Those examples of mistakes are just nothings really. We all forget those things from time to time. Lots of us forget much more than that, much more frequently.

If you have any sort of suspicion of an affair then snooping is what you will need to do. You need to start protecting yourself in this relationship. So checking up on him, sorting your financial affairs out and getting whatever advice you need on that score.

Looking long-term, this type of relationship is unsustainable and damaging to you and your children if you do try to keep going with it. Do whatever you need to do to get things in order for you and your children.

this isn't right.
I think you should maybe try and look at his phone to see if he is up to something I know snooping isn't good but it sounds like he is distracted by something and using a petty argument as an excuse to cause barriers between you.

Anik, those mistakes were mistakes. That's life! Show me anyone over the age of maybe 35 who hasn't forgotten to pay a bill, had a cheque bounce, or forgotten an appointment!

I certainly have made bucketloads full of similar mistakes. Most memorable one when I forgot to have the car MOTed last year resulting in us driving around uninsured for months. It haunted me for a long time (the what ifs) and I felt crap for ages. But dh hasn't said anything at all to any of the stuff.

Why should he? It could have happened to him if he had been the one responsible for it. He also made some fairly grim mistakesmin the 20 years we've been together.
There's nothing to forgive. Shit happens.

If your husband takes those mistakes as proof you don't care for him or don't take your relationship seriously he is an idiot. An abusive one. None of those things (if anything) justify the way he treats you.

Sorry, nothing justifies the way he treats you.
Yes, try and look at his phone and emails. And well done for getting legal help.

Op, when did the distancing start? Just after the argument or was it coming, ie did he deliberately cause a row so he could shut you out of your life?

If you want to find out if he is having an affair, yes you will have to snoop.

If depends on whether you care frankly- whether he is or he isn't, his behaviour is awful and that is the reason you shouldn't live this way and you and your dc deserve better. Knowing might help you speed up the process if its a deal breaker for you, but if you can't find evidence, he still treats you badly and by default your dc and even his family.

Most people would try and make up before guests come or cancel, not carry on and expect them to suck it up, very hard for you and your dc to live like this.

He may or may not be having an affair.

If he isn't, that's actually not necessarily a good sign.

Abusive people sometimes behave like this, in order to keep their partners on their toes - to keep them guessing, make them try harder, to control them better.

In some ways it doesn't matter if his behaviour is caused by an affair or not. It's the actual behaviour that is the problem.

I don't mean to suggest it doesn't matter if he's having an affair - of course it does. But it's not the end of the problem if he isn't.

It sounds very familiar to me. I fact I could have written your post.
I think I know why we are like we are though. 2.5yo twins after many years of ivf, and now 13wo surprise DS
Long term DH insomnia, me tired too, fractious toddlers means we all get grumpy and there's never enough time for us. Every eve we sit down, eat, briefly talk about children and 'business' (what weekend is best for seeing xyz, did you pay gas bill) and then go our separate ways to bed. There's no room for us as a couple anymore.
It'll change, we 're both aware of the problem and when DS is no longer BF we will be able to go out again for a few drinks and re-discover each other. In the meantime we soldier on. Our new rule is at least 2 kisses a day, god knows we should be able to manage that!

You don't need to find evidence of OW to know that he's not treating you right.

Is he much older than you or/and is there a 'cultural/religious' element?
Its just the language you are using i.e. 'made 25 mistakes' as if he s the dad and you are the child, or hes your master.
He doesnt have to let you use the bedroom. It is all so unequal. I am all for being SAHM in the first few years but in your shoes i would check about jobs and training asap.

Re the mistakes...did he want a wife or a secretary?
If my finace and I tallied up all our admin mistakes, we'd both have very long lists! Neither of us holds it against the other.
If you stay with him, be very wary of him saying something along the lines of "Anik, since you are so crap at Admin- as evidenced by all the mistakes I have been careful to point out to you over the years- I shall henceforth take over all our financial affairs".

Jesus, if that's what you call a mistake op, then I have caused uttered detestation in my marriage.

But I haven't really have I, because your mistakes are so normal to every day life, your relationship actually frightens me.

My iPhone keeps changing devestation to detestation.
I think it's trying to tell me something

Your "mistakes" have nothing to do with your marriage. They might just as easily occur to a single person.

People make those kind of mistakes.

He really has done a number on you. I'm so pleased you are getting some legal advice.

(Try Devastation, Tea )

These are not 'mistakes'!!! That's life!!!!!

He sounds like he is finding reasons to argue/put you down/ distance himself.

I'd do some snooping if you want to know if there's an ow. It sounds like affair behaviour. Other posters are right though when they say he's a cunt with/without ow and I think u need to figure out how you can live with it...if you can live with it.

Anik, you and I could be married to the same man. I totally recognise so much of what you describe.

The constant criticism, the emotional and physical distance, the excluding from what was our bedroom, the not speaking and you don't know why, the idea that you are somehow not a grown-up and he is and is allowed to treat you like a child, punish and patronise and give you permission, or make you believe you don't understand grown-up stuff like finances and appointments..

You know what, I kicked my H out and I have not looked back. Turns out I am actually a fully functioning, competent adult who yes, gets red reminders for bills and yes, is late or misses appointments, but is no longer pointlessly punished and criticised.

Seriously, try freeing yourself, just for a bit at first. Stand up for yourself. Tell him where to go. It's easy to say and hard, and scary to do when you have been with someone for 8/9 years grinding down your self esteem. He will tell you you won't cope. Ignore him, you will.

I feel so angry on your behalf because I could have written your post a few months ago. But now I am on the other side and, God, life is SO much easier.

You know

Ignore that last "you know"...not sure what happened there. Hang on, it's one of those normal "mistakes" that happen to normal adults and no-one needs to have a go at you about.

I don't think he is necessarily having an affair- but it certainly sounds like he wants to make you think he is.

Which is chilling.

This, the withdrawal of affection and the mistakes meaning you don't love him = abuse, pure and simple. He is withdrawing as a means by which to control you.