is this mental abuse? or just a bad day like he says?

[dreamingalone]

My husband is someone who when we met i thought he was so calm and sweet. But certian things have been happening and i dont know whether this is normal or not..

He is neve violent. But I am always on edge to ask him anything infront of people because he always snaps at me, :(

Always says " its you" always my fault and i thought it was i got on tablets for post partum depression started doing more around the house tried to change myself but nothing is working, everytime i talk to him he signs and says " no ones listenting" when i say hes being horrible he says sacastickly " yes everyone is horrible to you i am sure" he says " no one cares" in arguments he calls me a freak weirdo,. i call him stupid , when i ask him a question he cuts me of and says no not talking about this. he always cuts me of with a " YES STOP NOW " now my daughter shouts " stop mummy!!" at me :( when i ask him to do something he always says " yes got it yes yes yes" so i cant finish my sentence and i say please let me finish!
around the kids if i just say have you packed nappies " he will say YES FOR F SAKE OBVIOUSLY" or something similer..

i just feel so uncomfertable and i used to be so confident. but i really cant say anything to him and yest i want to say something and he said " why wont you just speak up" and i said " i used too.." i feel misserable everyday. around family i try to make sure i dont ask questions because if i ask more than 2 he gets snappy as if i have asked him lots.. i keep telling him that i am sick of all the arguing he says he is too but then will say something horrible then say " i dont want to argue its you doing this"..

i know these examples seem like nothing coz i cant think of them. but 24/7 he is interupting me and making me feel worthless. he says he doesnt mean to.. he is a good man other wise. but i am sick of this. anything i say hes done ive done it worse he says. if i ever want to say something i have to say " please dont shout at me but" early today when i said something just normal convo he said " i dont care about what ur saying im not listenting. then later when i mentioned it he says " i dont remember saying that so whats the problem?" its still a problem because i remember you saying it and he says " im not getting involved in your drama game here we go again yes yes yes whatever.

You don't have to live with this treatment. Whether or not it is legally classified as emotional abuse, you don't have to tolerate it. You are allowed to leave and it won't ruin your daughters life. It's not nice for her to grow up thinking that this is what women do, they get spoken to like shit.

he sounds abhorrent - doesn't ever speak nicely to you and treats you like a fool. Utterly terrible for you. You don't need to change yourself, you need to get the hell away from him, and fast.

You are living with a very rude person who has no respect for you at all and is giving a dreadful example to your child. It is not right or normal. You should be the one person he treats better than everyone else, not worse.

it's not you, it's him. what a nasty bastard. don't fight it, he won't change. look up emotional abuse (there are threads on mumsnet) and gaslighting. keep your internet history private. collect financial information like payslips and P60's and passports. prepare to take your life back and leave him. what an absolute pig he is. mumsnet will.help. Do you have a trusted family member or friend to talk to in real life?

yes it is. Do you know much about emotional abuse? I suggest you do a google search on it, read up then decide what you want to do.

It's not you, it's him.

"i know these examples seem like nothing"

They really don't. What a horrible way to live. And the influence it is having on your daughter is terrible.

Absolutely it is abusive behaviour. I rarely post, but you sound like me a few years ago.

It is NOT you. Have a look at the below link. It's American authorship but that doesn't matter.

www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

My ex was like this. It was horrendous. Took me 6 years to get out of it. I couldn't even remember what a normal life was supposed to be like. And you've already noticed your little one mimicking him.

The next steps are up to you, for both you and your child's sakes.

But never imagine that you can change someone like this. You can only change your own life and protect the child.

Look at the below as well for thoughts on couples therapy, which is not really the answer for EA men.

compassionpower.com/emotional%20abuse%20failed%20marriage%20counseling.php

Mumsnet helped me :))

The posts above are great.

Have faith in yourself. Sending hugs.

What a vile excuse of a man your H is , he's abusing you and also your child because she's being subjected to his disgusting treatment of her mum .

The only way to ever have peace of mind again would be to get rid of this bastard

In normal, healthy relationships, people do not speak to each other like that. It is rude, abusive and completely unacceptable.
Name calling, put downs, ridiculing are all horrid behaviours. It is never ok to treat your partner this way, there is no justification. It is most definitely not your fault.
While you tolerate this, your DD will follow his lead and treat you the same way. She will also learn, that this is how men treat women in relationships.

You need to put a stop to this, either by leaving him or trying to work it out with him, but don't continue to live with it.

Things are very, very wrong if he's speaking to you like this.

You are not his whipping boy. Except, you are. He needs to change, immediately, or you need to get out becuase this is an appalling example for your daughter and hell for you to live with it. it really is pure abuse of another human being.

I seldom post on here, but I would suggest that this is emotionally abusive behaviour. You may wish to read the book "Living With the Dominator" which is available on Amazon, and perhaps look up the "Freedom Programme" in your area which is a series of free short courses that can help women in abusive relationships. The book is based on the course. Hope this helps.

He sounds extremely unpleasant.

The thing is he isnt extreemly unpleasent all the time.. and the lady who said delete my history, funny i used to say that to women who ive helped leave there partners. but in this case its not that extreeme he isnt and cant do anything if he knows i say i talk to other women about our problems .. i just dont know how this happened.. i would do anything for him.. when peopple see us they say im the bossyone andhe does everything for me.. i am bossy.. but some how i just i dont know.. like one day he told me to get my daughter ready for nursery she didnt want to get dressed he was downstairs and i was actualy scared of what he would say he would never be violent.. but just words are enough.. its that" no body cares, no bodys listen" that gets me :( he loves me and his family..

help me make this better? i cant leave him. because i go back to work in a few months n im already worried about how we will afford everything coz if i dont go back i hv to pay back mat leave so i will be going to work for free and we have no clue how we would be able to afford everything, so leaving him now would put us both in worse situations.. plus maybe thts why he is being like this coz he is stressed about money..

i asked him to go and by my mum a toothbrush as she was in hosp at the time.. when i was explaining to him the type she wanted.. he said " yes yes i know" and cut me off. he came back with the wrong one and said i was trying to explain it to you but you cut me off. why didnt you just ask the person for the one i asked for then he screemed so loud and said that was all they had. i cried for a while on my drive to the hospital..

i cant leave him, because i believe things can improve i just have tried i have bought books on how to be a good housewife ( even tho i have 2 kids im running around with but now i realise i was lazy) he says hes so proud of me etc but for example when i say can u go up n get the crumbs of the bed ( my oldest had toast) he said fine then went upstairs when icame back up the crumbs were still there and i said.. " you didnt get the crumbs off" he said " well you dont usualy dust that bit you didnt tell me you changed your mind".. i was like what? changed my mind about what?.. its just so confusing.. obvously i am at fault to i know im just saying what he does but i am on tablets for post natel depression so i am hardly a ball off fun to live with , but to be honest i wish he could just punch me once a week then be normal for the rest of the week so i am not on edge everyday.. i know thats not a nice thing to say.

to the people who said mumsnet helped them.. how can they help?

by going to work for free i mean childcare costs are more than i earn..but have to go back or mat leave money will ha ve to be paid back

Its not going to get better and get it into your head IT IS NOT YOUR fault. It will get worse.

IT IS NOT YOU. HE IS A NASTY BASTARD.

Please take steps to leave this horrid excuse for a man.

And tell someone in real life as they will help you see through the fog.

It's not you at all. All you're doing is asking normal things/ trying to have normal conversations.

He is a bully. Nasty.

Leave him...honestly.

You should record your conversations a few times when you've asked him anything. Let him hear for himself how it all sounds.....and how he's teaching your daughter to speak to you.

He is clearly un-hinged and your dd's exposure to this is going to ruin her life. Leave for her sake.

Leave him now.

How can mumsnet help? by telling you the straight truth, dreamingalone

By being there and supporting you when / if you try to do something to change the situation, whatever that something might be. At worst, being there if you can't or won't change things, though don't ever expect mumsnet to stop telling you that the situation is wrong, wrong and that you should not be expected to put up with it.

Because you're right in the middle of the situation you can't see how wrong it is. Your husband is not liek this all the time but you can't pick and choose different sides of him. You have the whole man in front of you and this wicked suppression of you is part of him. It isnt right ot live on edge all the time.

Most of all it isnt right to have this as an example for your children.

if you leave him before you go back to work, not only will you be the resident parent, because you have been doing all the childcare, but you will get working tax credits and chil tax credits, and most of the childcare will be paid for as well, so you will not be working for free. Plus he will have to pay maintanance.
You cannot make the situation better on your own, no matter how many self help books you read. It takes 2 people to work at improving a marriage, and he isnt doing anything, just making you miserable, so no, he isnt a great bloke apart from this.
I left my abusive ex because I wanted to save my daughter a lifetime of being treated like crap, because that would have been her childhood - seeing me treated like that and thinking it was normal. Hearing raised voices and watching her dad abuse me, and silently taking it all in and absorbing it as how relationships worked. Looking for a man like daddy to give her what daddy never could, but always destined to fail, because men like daddy dont have it in them to be honest, decent, respectful, equal partners.
The best thing in the world you can do for your daughter is remove her from this toxic environment and fill her little life with love and joy, The same for the older ones too. Demonstrate how a woman walks away from people who show her such disrespect, and who give love only to those who can give it back.
And he doesnt get violent because words are all he needs to keep you cowed and afraid of what he might say - you frame every action or question around how he might react - you already wont ask him stuff in company because he doesnt care about having a go in front of people. So he has managed to get you to shut up in front of others.

For god's sake OP, run for the hills before this hateful man destroys you. No amount of 50's housewife books will save your marriage - you could become a Stepford wife and he'd still move the goalposts. Leave. Honestly, listen to the wise women on here. Money's the least of your problems.

o last night i told him that he isemotionally abusingme and he said he doesnt see how eventualy he said it makes him feel sick to think thats how he treats me and how its not him and how he will go to the gp as he doesnt feel like himself he said " maybe they can put me on the pills your on" ( on pills for ppd) i said you need to take responsibility depression if thats what your claming doesnt make you talk to me like i am worthles. today you said i asked a stupid question do you know my dad used to say that? do you know the ladies said you did this on purpose as i told you what happened with my dadand you wanted something vulnerable he said dont go there im not even going to entertain that what a horrible thing to ssay you were the complete opposite of vulnerable you were confident etc. i saidd i didnt say i believe that but can you see the stuff you say are that bad they put you in the same box as someone who knew what he was planning to be like. i told him the time when he told me to get daughter dressed while he went to do somethijng and how i was scared of what he would say if he got back and she wasnt dressed as she didnt want to. also i said why is ityou say something and a split second later your arguing with me saying you didnt say it calling me a lier. he said its hard to explain its to do with my bad memory and dixlexia. i mean to say one thiing and say something else and forget it.. - what do you think