is this mental abuse? or just a bad day like he says?

[dreamingalone]

My husband is someone who when we met i thought he was so calm and sweet. But certian things have been happening and i dont know whether this is normal or not..

He is neve violent. But I am always on edge to ask him anything infront of people because he always snaps at me, :(

Always says " its you" always my fault and i thought it was i got on tablets for post partum depression started doing more around the house tried to change myself but nothing is working, everytime i talk to him he signs and says " no ones listenting" when i say hes being horrible he says sacastickly " yes everyone is horrible to you i am sure" he says " no one cares" in arguments he calls me a freak weirdo,. i call him stupid , when i ask him a question he cuts me of and says no not talking about this. he always cuts me of with a " YES STOP NOW " now my daughter shouts " stop mummy!!" at me :( when i ask him to do something he always says " yes got it yes yes yes" so i cant finish my sentence and i say please let me finish!
around the kids if i just say have you packed nappies " he will say YES FOR F SAKE OBVIOUSLY" or something similer..

i just feel so uncomfertable and i used to be so confident. but i really cant say anything to him and yest i want to say something and he said " why wont you just speak up" and i said " i used too.." i feel misserable everyday. around family i try to make sure i dont ask questions because if i ask more than 2 he gets snappy as if i have asked him lots.. i keep telling him that i am sick of all the arguing he says he is too but then will say something horrible then say " i dont want to argue its you doing this"..

i know these examples seem like nothing coz i cant think of them. but 24/7 he is interupting me and making me feel worthless. he says he doesnt mean to.. he is a good man other wise. but i am sick of this. anything i say hes done ive done it worse he says. if i ever want to say something i have to say " please dont shout at me but" early today when i said something just normal convo he said " i dont care about what ur saying im not listenting. then later when i mentioned it he says " i dont remember saying that so whats the problem?" its still a problem because i remember you saying it and he says " im not getting involved in your drama game here we go again yes yes yes whatever.

Oh he hasnt had a go at me infront of people exactly.. like hed never shout at me infront of mum but he does sigh if i ask him something and asks moody... erm when we were out he said he wanted to go to the country to see his family on boxing day now his family they arange everying last minute and it was 5 days till xmas and nothing had been planned there family live in the middle of no were and i didnt want to take the kids and be driving back super late it will be exausting and in morrisons he said " why cant i see my family! i said course you can but you havent even aranged anything yet. and i didnt want to talk about it anymore and i did a face. and he said " yes carry on doing your faces as usual" i was so embarrased as people were around.. i told him last night i cant even do a face without you commenting on it. he said well you do alot of faces. i said yes but you dont have to comment on everythng. when having a conversation i f i do a face he stops talking l!

My DH does do this if he is depressed.

If he is usually nice and this is a recent thing it is well worth going to GP and trying to fix it.

Especially since he seems to be showing genuine remorse and wants to sort it out.
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Only if this is a recent thing and not just his personality the whole time you have known him. .

He is BEING a nasty bast are, yes,but is that how he always was

Please dont think I am some niave women who doesnt know whats going on.. I know whats going on isnt right. BUT he is a good man.. we were friends for years and he was always there for me. he has been through alot. and he moved here all on his own and started life again just to be with me. i will not leave him all on his own. I know this isnt best for my children but he said he will do anythiing he suggested counciling too.. i have not been a saint ladies. before i started my tablets for post partum depression i was awful i would say i was the abuser! i used to swear at him and call him names. i really regret it but i was out of my mind. there is no excuse for either of our behavours. i just want things to improve please help me make things better

No its not dyslexia and poor memory. He is not a goldfish.

Google GASLIGHTING and you'll see what it is. He is still not taking responsibility.

thank you fanjo . he hasnt alwahys been like this. he used to be so nice as if i was his everything. i think hes been like this a year..

please do not excuse his behaviour by saying he is depressed.

He is a nasty gaslighting bully - of course he will be nice to you sometimes, he has to do this to excuse the nastiness for the other 95% of your life.

He isn't a good man if he treats you like this - a million miles from a good man. You can only make things better by getting away from him. I am just sorry you cannot see or refuse to accept this. He has clearly done such a number on you that you feel this is what you deserve.

Depression can cause this out of character ..and yes..unacceptable behaviour.

If he is always like this..yes he is a nasty bully. LTB straight away.

But if it's only being going on a week or two then it could be depression. This is not excusing an abusive man.

A year is a long time.

If he says it is depression I would be giving ultimatums that he sorts it out now or its over.

Depression is NOT an excuse.

But it CAN make people.act like this..id be suspicious it was this especially if it's not their usual nature.

And I say this as someone who has been depressed and whose DH has.

He's emotionally abusive and gaslighting you. I know, I suffered from the best at it. The key element to emotionaly abusive people is that they always have a 'nice' side. They have to in order to maintain your attention and abuse. Every one of us would leave quickly if a man was noting but abusive - the up and down parts are the exact things which keep us hooked, we start to barter with ourselves, essentially we try to normalise the abusive behaviour BECAUSE they abuser also has nice points. However eventually you can't enjoy the good times because during the good times you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And there the abusive cycle begins. You start to moderate your behaviour but you will never win. Leave him now.

I stopped reading after yoi mentioned him going to the gp.

Please get out now. You have challenged him on his abusive behaviour (which he is aware of), and so hes going along with you, to reign you in again - by suggesting the gp.

He will either let it blow over til you forget about it. Or do what mine did - go to the docs,get therapy referral and then blamed me for him being in need of therapy.

I wasnt allowed to complain about him blaming me, as i was the one who suggested it in the first place. If i hadnt, he wouldnt be having a go at me, would he?

It was allll just another way of being abusive toward me, and another way to blame me.
Also to get me back in check for a little while longer.

They are lovely, they really arem because they are awesome actors!! It only lasts a short while before the mask comes off again and the nasty bastard is back. Ten times worse than the time before.

The more you challenge him, the more careful he will become -but also worse.

Do not fall for this shitty little web of lies he feeds you. Just run...and never look back!

I have alot of thinking to do.. The lady who said having a good time and waiting for him to change is exactly what it is.. having a jokey convo n he suddenly decides its not funny anymore..

But what I dont understand is why he would do this on purpose? He says I am his everything. he moved here to start a life and left everyone he knew.. why would he want to ruin that?

Plus I have a strong support system of friends and close people ( never told anyone about this) so if i wanted to leave i could.. so why would he want to do this on purpose? he told me the night that i said hes emotionaly abusing me that when we used to argue and i shout he used to run to the bathroom and cry because he has early memorys of his parents fighting i know thats true because i know the situation and he has said before.. so i dont knjow why he would want this. he tells me he wants what i want a peaceful life. thats all i have ever dreamed of a loving husband and children. who is nice to me..
why cant i get that?

and if he is an abuser then what does that make me?! wow i am the abuser too :( he should leave me.. before i started my post partum depression tablets i would shout and call him useless etc. and he said that effected his job interview then didnt get the job :( then when he lost his last job. because we used to argue before he left home so he said he wasnt in a good frame of mind. i was pregnant with number 2 then.. i blame myself..

is there any tests i could try on him to see if this is really abuse?
also i know everyone is saying leave but cant someone suggest a way to help us both get better? He said his ex gf used to beat him up he said this when we were stil friends and it was so hard for him to tell me.. he stayed because he didnt want to be alone.. he wouldnt delbertly put me through abuse when he knows what he went through.

You are weakening. Read your first post again. He is a nasty son of a gun.

All abusers blame everything else for their abuse!
Especially childhood stuff.
My exes famous one was how he was abused as a child.
I also had a terrible childhood whixh left me with scars. But i didnt ever take it out on him. Or use it as my reasons for being a dick.

I also wondered if i was the one being abusive.
If we argued, it would all, somehow be twisted around to where i was in the wrong. Completely off topic to how thebarguement actually started!
But i never realised at that time. I was too mind fucked, wondering how he could be right -maybe i was the one who was messed up.

I also wondered if he done this on.purpose, and not understanding why if he wanted a quiet life like i did.

He did want a quiet life, he wasnt lying about that. He wanted me to speak when spoken to, and live life on his terms - not mine

When i was becoming more awarenof his abusive nature. I started to mentally, deliberately remember every word of the whole conversation/arguement and then watch how he twisted it.
When i confronted him with this, he would seen to lose control a bit and get a bit more aggressive.
I have now learnt, he wasnt losing control at all. He was accepting thr challenege, and showing me he was bigger, better and stronger than i was and he could and would dominate.

Challeneging him or not, he will always win.
The only way to defeat and end all of this is by getting out. He will never change.

Even then, that wont stop him. He will try and keep a firm hold on that control. Which is why it is important to have somebody with you, or speak to womensaid for support and advice.

He's being nicer and suggesting counselling because he senses you questioning his behaviour. It won't last long.

I've read your post and comments. I do feel sad. He is horrible. Really, emotionally abusive. You know this too buy are finding it hard to admit it to yourself as you're starting to buy his crap about it being your fault. If you're worried about paying back maternity money, don't be. I'm positive that you don't need to go back to work for too long to be exempt from doing so. Find out about this. There are numbers you can call to find out. It's awful that it's so evident in the home that your DD is copying him :(
However long it takes to work and not need to pay back your mat leave £ is the time you will have to prepare yourself (don't dither on the decision) to leave him. Really! This isn't tolerable. Imagine how crap you'll feel about yourself and life - crying in the car, questioning yourself, etc. emotional abuse leaves emotional bruises and scars. You said he's never been / wouldn't be violent. He's already being emotionally abusive. You needn't wait for more!

Why do bullies need to be bullies? Because they are inadequate people who can only see a relationship through the prism of fear and control rather than respect and affection. Their version of 'love' is always conditional. Life is rosy when it's on their terms but they roll out the misery otherwise and make sure everyone is tainted.

Interesting that he moved location to be with you. My EA ex did exactly the same thing and, rather than it being a loving, voluntary gesture, it became a source of resentment to him. Another reason on his imaginary tick-list of 'why you don't quite measure up'

If you were abusive towards him during your depression there is an expression 'two wrongs don't make a right'. You made efforts to get treatment and correct your behaviour which is as it should be. Don't let the feelings of guilt you have about that period of your life be exploited.

Why does he do this on purpose and risk ruining what he has?

Well, because it seems to be working doesn't it. Nothing is being "ruined" for him. As a result of his behaviour, you're buying books on how to be a better housewife, you're analysing his childhood and wondering if he's depressed, you're throwing every excuse or half-reason into the pot you can think of as a way of avoiding leaving him.

You're exactly where he wants you, in other words. Running around him like he's a god worrying about how you can please him and make things better. You're powerless and confused, and that's how he likes it.

I'm afraid the only explanation for his behaviour is that he's lying about what he really wants. He doesn't want a peaceful, loving family life. It's there for the taking, all he has to do is stop behaving like an arsehole - but he doesn't take it.

i wish he could just punch me once a week then be normal for the rest of the week so i am not on edge everyday.. i know thats not a nice thing to say

I could weep for you. It's his actions that make you feel like that, it's not your fault.

All those women you have helped leave their partners, what you have said to them if they posted what you did?

Why do you want to stay?

if you're reading, this is a good book In Sheep's Clothing

From what you've written, I think that maybe consciously he does want a quiet life. But he comes from a rough background and in some people, that sets down deep lying patterns that they are not conscious of, where they start to behave in ways that screw up the better life that half of them wants. It can be for a couple reasons; either replaying the pattern of their parents' marriage or else it can be because they wnat dominance and are angry and like putting others down.

Whereever it comes from, the point is that it needs to STOP. He has to sort his issues out - if he wants to. This is being terribly destructive for you. As others have said, he's gaslighting, he is twisting stuff and most of all, he is flatly denying you have a right to a voice as well as him.