I don't know what to do - please help

[HelenHuntingdon]

Hi
I'm a long time lurker and very nervous about posting this so please be kind :)

I am very unhappy. I've been married for 3 years and have a 1 year old. My husband and I have been arguing a lot and I'm starting to think he's right and its my fault.
He is cross with me a lot of the time. If I forget to do something or I'm late for something he tells me off. Ill say I'm sorry for forgetting/whatever but he says 'well sorry's no good, just don't do it! I can't understand how you can forget/get wrong the simplest things! I HAVE to tell you or you'd never learn, would you!?'
I tell him that I don't do it intentionally and Ido try to do things right but he says I'm obviously not trying or I wouldn't make so many mistakes.

This morning we had a huge argument after something small like this because I told him I'm fed up of being spoken to like a child, but he said 'oh so I'm supposed to tiptoe around you and never tell you if you're wrong!? Well that's not going to happen - you may have got away with it in the past but you sure wont with me! You'll never learn if I don't tell you!'
I said that this wasnt how we should speak to each other but he wasn't having it. I cried and suggested we should go to counselling but he just said 'You need it! You'll be paying will you!?' I told him that something has to change as the way he keeps talking to me makes me feel like I'm retarded (sorry HORRIBLE word) to which he replied 'well you said it.'

I'm really really trying every time we argue to be fair and see all sides, I never get personal with him (apart from when I said he was being an idiot) and I always admit when I'm wrong.

I will admit I've been behind with the housework and I know I could be much better at lots of things. My daughter is a year old and I had glandular fever just after I had her which I know some people get over quite quickly but I just don't think I have. I BF for 8 months and I didn't have an easy birth/recovery. All things combined ive been very tired and below par ever since I got pregnant really. Which has meant I have been a bit forgetful and slow to do some things, which yes I know is just an excuse and other women manage :(

I'm now pregnant again (14 weeks) and its since I got pregnant that things have been really bad. I've had terrible nausea and I just feel wiped out. I have very bad emetophobia and I'm trying to hide it from him as i think he thinks I'm just being weak.
When I said I was tired once he said 'well I get tired too and I just get on with it' which is true or 'well it's not like you do anything!'
He works very hard and rarely takes a day off so I suppose he is justified to say this.

Last Christmas he didnt get me a gift, he said he forgot but didn't think it was a big deal. I got upset on Christmas morning as I didn't have anything to open and we had a huge row as he was angry with me for guilt tripping him. It was the worst Christmas ever.

This year he said her get me a tablet on the condition that I use it to start some sort of business to make some money back, but I can't have it yet as he'll get it in the sales. So at least I know ill get something.

I don't know what I expect people to say, I just don't have anyone else to talk to and I suppose I needed to write it down. And I don't feel well and I'm tired and lonely :(

Sorry for the huge essay. Anyone who gets this far deserves a medal.

Ps I should say that reading this back he looks like a monster. He's not really. I just don't know what's happened and I don't know what to do.

Xx

Your visit with friends - is there any chance you can make that your exit?

9 years I spent in an EA relationship. All of my 30s I had children with him. 9 years of being told I was useless. My hobbies were pathetic. The business idea I had would never work. (It did 10 years of missed opportunity) my fringe looked stupid. 9 years no Christmas presents no birthday presents. I could go on.. the effect on the children the financial abuse.etc etc
I will never get that decade back. Being a single parent is hard but my life is better than I could have imagined.
I could still weep over the wasted time.
you have been given some wonderful advice op please try your hardest to take it. Good luck

Like vivacia said, you visit with friends is an opportunity to leave. Please confide in your friends and family. I wish you all the best.

I usually try to be tactful, but reading your post, I can't.
What a truly horrible little man.

Can you move back to where you lived before? Anyone you can stay with?

LTB. Seriously. What a dick. He should be ssupporting you right now not putting you down.

He is horrible OP and I'm so glad you've had a eureka moment. You should speak with WA, even though he doesn't hit you, he is abusing you and they are there for situations like this. If you're married, don't worry about the house being in his name. Seek some advice from a solicitor (I think you have a free half hour). It'll help you get an idea of your rights. Next year could be so much better than this.

This is awful!

Why won't you be telling your friends when you go to visit them? Please tell them, let them help you.

Don't let your fear of what your mum would think and her potential disappointment make you attempt to do this on your own. Tell her, get her to step up.

Gather support, don't hide his treatment of you away, it's his shame not yours. I really hope you manage to get out in the New Year.

Would you consider not returning from your time away in January?

I'm so sorry to hear that you're being treated so shabbily. If you're feeling strong enough, I'd seriously consider leaving when you go to see your friends.

No one deserves to be treated like this.

I am glad that you are starting to see things now OP. Even if you do not feel able to leave right now, please do the research into it, so you know you CAN, when you have your lightbulb moment.

Benefits.

You will be entitled to Income support, Housing Benefit, Child benefit and Child tax credits.

You can find out the amount of HB you could claim here. Just type in the post code of where you would be moving to. (Near your mum perhaps.)

Are you already getting Child benefit or are his earnings too high?

As for tax credits, I think they are around £250 per 4 weeks for one child, and around £450 is per 4 weeks for two. But if you go onto this website you will get a better idea.

Being a single parent is financially quite tight, but it will get you back on your feet until you have your new little one, and can get back to some kind of work. You can get help with childcare costs through tax credits if you are working certain hours. He will have to pay you maintenance too.

Hope this helps.

Oh and you would be eligible for the LHA rate for 2 beds, even when the new baby is born.

Things sound miserable, OP.

Doesn't appear that he really loves you - he would certainly treat you better if he did.

Very sad to hear he's unsympathetic towards your pregnancy, too.

Hope you can make the right moves towards a happier future for yourself and your baby.

Well he hasn't spoken to me. Came home teatime but looking very sulky.
He has taken DD to his parents house and I've no idea when they'll be back.
So I'm sitting in on Christmas Eve alone again (he went out last year) and facing yet another miserable Christmas due to his shitty behaviour. Sigh.

I don't know whether to try and talk about things when he comes back and DD is in bed. He'll probably just say 'for fucks sake can't you just get over it and stop going on' as is his usual stock response.
But if I say nothing then nothing will improve.

Thanks again for all the kind words and practical advice xx

You can't control this situation. He is choosing to be abusive regardless of what you do or don't do. I would save yourself the breath as I suspect he will just throw whatever you say back in your face later.

The best thing you can do now you have the place to yourself is to put your feet up and rest. Bollocks to tidying up or any of that, just chill out and enjoy the peace.

He'll ruin me t Xmas, and the one after that too if nothing changes.

Try to rest up- put something good on tv and relax, enjoy the break and peace and quiet. Focus on dd tomorrow- that's how you'll get through it.

New year soon...a blank canvass to do with what you want.

You cannot reason with unreasonable people. You need to take your power back and retake control of your life.

Some men don't realise how hard it is to keep a house ticking over when kids come along, if he is off over the holidays I would grab a chance to get out for the day go for a swim, whatever and I bet upon your return things wouldn't be any tidier and he should see how hard it all
Is. He sounds like hard work to me and deserves a kick in the baubles for no Xmas present til after Xmas

You cannot change his behaviour. He is a grown man who has chosen to abuse his wife.

Please don't stay with him because you are holding onto the hope that he will one day realise the error of his ways. He won't. Infact, this will probably escalate. The abuse will get worse.

Just out of curiosity, who made the decision to move to where you live?

It's not going to improve. He seems perfectly capable of organising a wild night out for himself leaving you alone ( again) although I understand this is probably a relief for you. Spending it in a caravan would test anyone, let alone living with this man. He is who he is now- of course he wasn't like that before, they never are.

Can I ask what the plans are when its finished? And when it will be done?

You must tell your friends. Really, you must. They will help you, emotionally and rally round for you.

Is there a solicitor you could arrange to see whilst you are with your friends and they can take care of your dd for a few hours?

My dm used to trot that stuff out as well. She had no idea. I didn't say anything as she was old and could do nothing, and it would cause her extra stress. But I suggest you call her and drip feed a bit, and be honest about how he treats you.

What about your siblings? Would they help? If you aren't working, can you go and stay with them, just for a break? Leave when he is out.

Please call Women's Aid. You are being seriously abused by this man, and the fact he was nice to you until you were totally powerless in the relationship is more evidence he is an abuser, not less.

I'm 8 months pregnant. I've often been exhausted, forgetful, bad-tempered and needed help. DH has given it to me. That's what you do, when married to someone in a condition where they need a bit of extra support and backup for a while.

NYE is disgusting. He's treating you like an unpaid servant, not a wife. And his bullying and undermining of you and telling you you're stupid is just disgusting. His behaviour is abhorrent - reading your posts, he makes my skin crawl.

It's not as easy as just leaving as I have no money and nowhere to go. Everything's his, even the car so I don't know how I'd physically leave.

You're married. That means you need to ask for legal advice, because in England at least you're entitled to a division of all assets starting at 50% but if you're the main carer of young children, their needs come first and the parent with that care is housed and accounted for as the priority, for the sake of the children.

You need to talk to your midwife and your GP about your husband's abuse, and to ask for counselling referrals as an urgent case. Please, again, call Women's Aid. Nobody should have to live this way and your babies should not grow up thinking this is how men and women relate - your husband learned it at home, after all.

There is no point in going to counselling with an abuser. It just gives them a new avenue to belittle and manipulate. Counselling on your own, and support from Women's Aid, should be an essential, I think.

He won't change because this is who he truly is when he doesn't need to woo someone. He behaves this way because he thinks he's entitled to, and it makes him feel good. He's spending money on himself, arranging a social life for himself, has a free housekeeper (sod that she is pregnant and full time carer of a baby - ie already working harder by far than he is) and can make himself feel big by making you feel small. Why on earth would he alter a situation so beneficial to himself, given the one downside - guilt, and the death of any true relationship - is clearly not an issue for him?

It's not your fault. It does not mean you are weak. It does not mean you chose this. Abuse can happen to anyone, and it usually happens incrementally and by degrees, or hardly anyone would stay. But you don't need to accept it and it is not normal - it's toxic and abusive.

Thanks perfectstorm. I needed a lot of that.

He came in about an hour ago with child and said nothing to me. It's very rare that he has her, particularly if I don't have anything important to do, but I just decided I needed a bit of space and went for a walk, hence him being left with her (at teatime too, which he was not pleased about). He doesn't do many 'jobs' as such with her, and I can count the nappies he's changed in 17 months on one hand. That's MY job, as he tells me.

Anyway he came in and has said nothing, not even looked at me. I was getting DD ready for bed and telling her that Father Christmas is coming tonight trying to choke back tears whilst he sat behind his magazine ignoring us. I was going to talk to him once she was in bed so that she wouldn't see if it escalated but he's walked out now.

How did I get here? :(

We live here because this is where he lives and where his family business is based, which he will eventually take over, so there is no hope of ever moving. This also means that he works with his father who constantly poisons his mind against women in general and me in particular. I am/was quite a strong independent personal his father had a deep dislike for me from the off.
Whenever his dad has gone on holiday, or we go away from them, everything is magically better. He has always recognised where his dads behaviour is very wrong but doesn't seem to be able to stop himself from sliding into the same rut.

It's so sad.

OP: when I married DW, my brothers told me "We like this girl. If you upset her, we will put your good leg over a kerbstone and hit it with a hammer". It's not an incentive I've needed, but by God your husband is a prime candidate.

This not how normal men behave. "Love is putting someone else's well-being above your own". He doesn't love you, he cannot love you and he will never love you. You are property.

Couple of practical things to do while you prepare to run: get tracking installed on his phone so you know when it's safe to go. Samsung phones have it built in; you just need his password then you can see it in any web browser. Give no clues. Private browsing, but make sure public browsing has plenty of innocuous history: lolcats, recipes, celebs. I know, I know, but he has a fixed idea of you as the "little woman" and keeping his contempt alive is actually safer for the time being. Being floridly ill, or at least pretending to be is a good way to keep him off; abusers don't do compassion so he'll withdraw.

And don't feel guilty. You thought you were swimming with a dolphin, but he turned out to be a shark. Dolphins are company, but sharks we turn into soup.

Oh sweetheart, I Know how it feels, truly I do. I was stuck in a relationship,like this for years. But you recognise you are in an unhealthy relationship. That was the tipping point for me, then a couple of months later I just walked.

You stood up to him this morning and told him not to speak to you as if you were a child.

He's now intent on breaking you so that you know not to do it again. I would imagine he intends to ruin Christmas with this mood. The best defence is to completely ignore his mood. Don't cry. Don't show it even upsets you.

So, what a surprise. You moved to the middle of nowhere to suit his job but now it's your fault that you can't earn money as you did before. Now that you're isolated and powerless, his true nature is emerging.

Chin up. You can escape this. Next Christmas can be different if you want it to be.

Well I just rang him to see if he was planning on coming back anytime soon.
His reply - 'have those shit carols finished?'
Me - 'er... Carols at Kings has finished if that's what you mean'
Him - 'well ill come in a bit. I'm at my parents and they've got people round, it'd be rude to leave now.'

I'm afraid I just hung up then.

It'd be rude to leave someone else's house if they have visitors, but perfectly fine to leave your pregnant ill wife alone on Christmas Eve?
And it'll all be my fault when he does come back. God I'm so unhappy.

Ps RE work, I had basically worked very hard to make a business out of my life's hobby. I loved it and could not see myself doing anything else. When I came here he just expected me to go work in a shop or something in minimum wage for the rest of my life and be happy about it as, as he said, he would do any job if it meant earning money.

I don't mean that working in a shop is a bad job - it's not - it's just id worked so so hard before meeting him to ensure that I'd always be able to work in an industry I loved, and he didnt think that my giving this up forever should be any hardship at all. As he said 'he didn't have a gun to my head, I chose it.'