I don't know what to do - please help

[HelenHuntingdon]

Hi
I'm a long time lurker and very nervous about posting this so please be kind :)

I am very unhappy. I've been married for 3 years and have a 1 year old. My husband and I have been arguing a lot and I'm starting to think he's right and its my fault.
He is cross with me a lot of the time. If I forget to do something or I'm late for something he tells me off. Ill say I'm sorry for forgetting/whatever but he says 'well sorry's no good, just don't do it! I can't understand how you can forget/get wrong the simplest things! I HAVE to tell you or you'd never learn, would you!?'
I tell him that I don't do it intentionally and Ido try to do things right but he says I'm obviously not trying or I wouldn't make so many mistakes.

This morning we had a huge argument after something small like this because I told him I'm fed up of being spoken to like a child, but he said 'oh so I'm supposed to tiptoe around you and never tell you if you're wrong!? Well that's not going to happen - you may have got away with it in the past but you sure wont with me! You'll never learn if I don't tell you!'
I said that this wasnt how we should speak to each other but he wasn't having it. I cried and suggested we should go to counselling but he just said 'You need it! You'll be paying will you!?' I told him that something has to change as the way he keeps talking to me makes me feel like I'm retarded (sorry HORRIBLE word) to which he replied 'well you said it.'

I'm really really trying every time we argue to be fair and see all sides, I never get personal with him (apart from when I said he was being an idiot) and I always admit when I'm wrong.

I will admit I've been behind with the housework and I know I could be much better at lots of things. My daughter is a year old and I had glandular fever just after I had her which I know some people get over quite quickly but I just don't think I have. I BF for 8 months and I didn't have an easy birth/recovery. All things combined ive been very tired and below par ever since I got pregnant really. Which has meant I have been a bit forgetful and slow to do some things, which yes I know is just an excuse and other women manage :(

I'm now pregnant again (14 weeks) and its since I got pregnant that things have been really bad. I've had terrible nausea and I just feel wiped out. I have very bad emetophobia and I'm trying to hide it from him as i think he thinks I'm just being weak.
When I said I was tired once he said 'well I get tired too and I just get on with it' which is true or 'well it's not like you do anything!'
He works very hard and rarely takes a day off so I suppose he is justified to say this.

Last Christmas he didnt get me a gift, he said he forgot but didn't think it was a big deal. I got upset on Christmas morning as I didn't have anything to open and we had a huge row as he was angry with me for guilt tripping him. It was the worst Christmas ever.

This year he said her get me a tablet on the condition that I use it to start some sort of business to make some money back, but I can't have it yet as he'll get it in the sales. So at least I know ill get something.

I don't know what I expect people to say, I just don't have anyone else to talk to and I suppose I needed to write it down. And I don't feel well and I'm tired and lonely :(

Sorry for the huge essay. Anyone who gets this far deserves a medal.

Ps I should say that reading this back he looks like a monster. He's not really. I just don't know what's happened and I don't know what to do.

Xx

[ashamedoverthinker]

what about friends or contacts from old job role?

is there any groups you go to?

did you live in a bigger town before?

[stowsettler]

Oh god.

I've read some stuff on here, but this is up with the worst of them.

Please try to find the strength you had previously because you need to leave him, for your own sake and for your children.

You only get one life and your children will only have one childhood.

Women's Aid can help you get away if you have no RL support.

[tribpot]

He's saying sorry because then, if you bring the 'argument' (which was just an attack on you) up again, he can say "but I've APOLOGISED, why do you KEEP bringing it up? Why can't you accept my apology and just move on?"

So the 'apology' is just a tool to make it harder for you to assert yourself. He clearly doesn't mean it, and clearly has every intention of attacking you again.

[HelenHuntingdon]

"He's saying sorry because then, if you bring the 'argument' (which was just an attack on you) up again, he can say "but I've APOLOGISED, why do you KEEP bringing it up? Why can't you accept my apology and just move on?"

Omg. That's exactly it. That's EXACTLY what he does. And then it will be my fault for 'going on at him.'
Eureka moment.

[cuggles]

I have never posted on relationships before but you have really got to me op. I agree with every other poster, this is not ok at all and is abusive. Please get some help and speak to someone in rl. I have no other advice as not an expert but remember whats his is yours too and you do have assets and power and can change this situation..and must!! I am very sorry you are going through this and will check back here to see how you are.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Btw...you saying that when you read it back he 'looks like a monster but he's not really'...read it again. This is him. It's I'd choice to say those things, treat you that way. It was his choice not to get you a gift last year...to give you one with a condition this year.

He sounds horrendous honestly- I'm upset for you. Just think about it, strangers are upset for you. The person you are sharing your life with isn't upset to be the person doing those things. It's just not right love. Please do something about it. You can't live like this :(

[tribpot]

Incidentally, if you tried to psych him out by apologising first, he would feel quite entitled to go on about it and how wrong you were (which you have 'admitted' via the apology) because "how else can you learn". He's set you up so you can't win.

You say you had a good job before you moved .. whose idea was it to move?

[LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob]

Is the new barn conversion in both your names? Are your bank accounts joint?

Don`t worry about your mother, you cannot continue in a crap relationship just to give your mum a false source of comfort. I bet if she knew the truth she would be horrified.

[Meerka]

This is wrong. So wrong.

What an example for your children

what a godawful situatoin for you to live in.

Christ, I hope you can take action and do something before the baby comes. This would be hellish - two small ones in a caravan with a man like this?

All he needs to do is start swinging his fists and he'll be the Compleat Abuser

[HelenHuntingdon]

I'm trying to build up some savings but I don't earn anything any more. I was doing some casual work but due to the nature of the job I can no longer do it now I'm pregnant. Plus childcare took half of the pay anyway, so it was more of a day out than money making exercise.
Everything's in his name because his money bought it.

I don't know how I can get money together. I have about £500 saved up but that's it and once it's gone there'll be no way of getting more.

[mammadiggingdeep]

You're married though so you'll get half of assets...

Would your mum have you to go and live there? Honestly, get out. Get everything you're entitled to benefits wise- get yourself sorted...you can do it.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Someone wise who knows about benefit entitlements etc will hopefully come along...

[mistlethrush]

He's treating you worse than a servant - servants get paid, they get holidays and they get time off. They have sick leave too.

You really need to get out. Can you ring Women's Aid?

[Enb76]

Use that £500 to get out. Go to your mum or your sister. They may be useless but they're not as useless as your husband and however they might grumble they are family and will help. Once you are away, then you can sort everything else out.

[LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob]

Everything was in my exes name, I walked away with nothing but the clothes I wore when I left.

Ten years on and I am happy and secure and married to a lovely man.

I understand it is harder with children, I really do, but it is also even more imperative. Call womans aid and citizens advice, start the ball rolling.

[HelenHuntingdon]

I really really appreciate everyone's replies. Thank you so so much for taking the time - you've no idea what it means.

I don't think it's as easy as just leaving ATM. I'm going to suggest counselling again and if he refuses ill just distance myself from him. He works so much and usually goes to the gym or something after so I'm practically a single mother anyway. With a bit of luck after tomorrow and Boxing Day ill only have to see him for a couple of hours in the evening if I go to bed early. Then in January I'm spending a couple of weeks with old friends, and although I probably won't tell them about this it'll be nice to get away.

He has already made plans NYE. I asked what we would do and he replied that he was going out with friends in a city around 3 hours away and staying there. I was a bit surprised he hadn't factored me into his plans at all and when asked he said 'well you'll be looking after DD won't you?'
When I suggested that why don't we both stay in then and have a nice meal he said he'd rather go out and made it pretty clear he thought I was being needy to expect him to spend NYE with me. He went away for 2 days last NYE too, leaving me in with the baby. He doesn't think this is an issue.

Reading all this through......it's really not very good is it?

[Squeegle]

He is really treating you horribly. Would you treat someone you loved like this? In my view it's time to start making plans. (And I say this as someone in a verbally abusive/emotionally abusive relationship for years). I often felt things were my fault; that is triggered his anger etc etc.
it is a real eureka moment when you realise that a) it's not your fault and b) you don't have to be like this for ever.

Funny- I have had sympathy from people saying "oh, it must be hard to split up". Without being frivolous, splitting up from my ex and being a single mother is a walk in the park compared to being with him.

Good luck.

[LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob]

Counselling isn`t really advisable in an abusive relationship but you have to do what you feel best.

At least you now realise this is not a normal relationship. As for his plans for New Year.

[cardiandcrocs]

Sweetheart. No, it's not good at all.

You ARE being abused. Your bruises are to your self esteem. Please get away from him before he sucks every bit of life out of you.

A huge Christmas hug from me, to your little family of almost 3.

[Viviennemary]

You are getting absolutely no joy or happiness out of this situation. Your DH sounds a miserable being. Everyone goes through bad times but usually there are some happy times as well. I think you should consider leaving if you don't see that things will get any better in future. All this making you feel inadequate is just so wrong and you shouldn't be having to tolerate this.

[BarbarianMum]

Counselling for you - fine. Counselling for you as a couple - not fine. It doesn't work in abusive relationships, in fact a good councillor wouldn't even take you on if they knew the score.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but I'll say it again. He LIKES behaving like this, he LIKES you feeling like this (dependant, weak). He's got a home life he likes (carte blanche to treat you like dirt plus the housework laid on) - why would he want to change.

Go to your friends. Have a break. If they are good friends, tell them about your life, they'll want to know.

[tribpot]

It is strongly advised that counselling is not attempted with an abuser. They manipulate the process and the victim can be left feeling more confused and invalidated than before.

He simply doesn't regard you as an equal partner in life, never mind in love. You're there to cook and clean and bear his children whilst he lives a single life.

Not having to spend NYE with him is a blessing but as an indication of how little you factor in his decision-making it's breathtaking. What if you had plans for NYE, requiring him to stay in to look after dd? (Unlikely given how ill you feel but you are just as entitled to go out for the night as he is).

[MadBusLady]

A good counsellor should refuse to counsel you as a couple once they realise he is emotionally abusive - abusers can simply use the information they learn from counselling to manipulate and twist things further. Both parties have to be seeking a good, healthy outcome for counselling to work, and abusers aren't.

Counselling for yourself, however, is an excellent idea.

[Squeegle]

There is a lot of stuff on the Internet about emotional abuse; and of course mumsnet was a great support to me. The people on here helped me to realise what is normal. I agree re the counselling. You can't help someone who doesn't want to change- and at the moment it's all working rather conveniently for him isn't it?

[Sarahplane]

He's a horrible bully, it's not your fault and he won't change. Just get through Christmas and then start making plans to leave. You and your children will be sooo much happier without him.