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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had to unwrap a present to check it had the right name on

31 replies

Sladistic · 24/12/2013 09:54

I suddenly panicked and thought I'd written OM's name in a present for my DP.

This is all such a mess.

I ended it with OM just before Christmas, I felt too guilty. I'm now spending christmas with my DP and our relationship is just not working.

I don't know what I expect to get from this other than a flaming.

But I'm now with the wrong man. I should have just faced up and ended things with DP.

Now I have to go through a charade at christmas and I've made someone who could have made me very happy very unhappy and probably lost them forever. I don't think I can fix anything anymore.

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 24/12/2013 09:59

I won't slam you. We all make mistakes. You just have to learn from them.

Perhaps you need some time on your own to evaluate what you want from life in general?

You need to end it with DP though

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 24/12/2013 10:00

I should have just faced up and ended things with DP.

In a nutshell.

Original poster
Sladistic · 24/12/2013 10:00

I know. But I can't do it on Christmas Eve can I.

The only reason it went wrong with OM is I couldn't bear to tell DP what had been going on. I should never have let all this happen.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 24/12/2013 10:02

As bohemian said no need for flaming just a reminder that this is why you should end one relationship before starting another.

Make your plans for leaving your partner. Don't tell him about the affair, it will just make it worse.

Original poster
Sladistic · 24/12/2013 10:04

I don't know how to get through christmas. It feels like some awful charade.

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 24/12/2013 10:16

TBH with you, if you are both unhappy, maybe today is the day for 'the talk' and seeing what you both want, getting some clarity for moving on in the New Year?

I wouldnt be mentioning OM - but thats me - People have affairs for a reason, and its the reasons that need addressing not the result. The OM is a symptom not the cause.

Original poster
Sladistic · 24/12/2013 10:21

We're not both unhappy, that's the problem. When ever I've tried to mention that I am he talks about how happy he is and promises that we can be happy together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sladistic · 24/12/2013 10:23

I just want to contact OM but I can't as he hates me now.

OP posts:
Blushingm · 24/12/2013 10:48

Sladistic - you could almost be me!

I'm still dealing with the 3rd degree burns I had from posting here.........

Ajaney · 24/12/2013 10:59

But is there ever a good time? How long are you planning to keep pretending up? You owe it to him to tell the truth. I am pretty sure his opinion of how happy he is would change if he knew the truth. I'm not flaming you, just saying the truth is best.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 24/12/2013 11:33

Leave OM be until you talk to DP. Have you somewhere else to go when you have had The Talk?

saintmerryweather · 24/12/2013 11:40

It doesnt matter how happy you dp is if you dont feel the same way. I was desperately unhappy with my ex but he refused to listen and just buried his head in the sand till I eventually broke up with him

mammadiggingdeep · 24/12/2013 11:54

Think you should do the guy a favour and be honest with him about how you feel. All of this is very unfair on him.

HissymasJumper · 24/12/2013 11:57

Think you should do the guy a favour and be honest with him about how you feel. All of this is very unfair on him.

This.

something2say · 24/12/2013 12:00

I think I'd gather myself together and get thro the next two or three days. Be kind to your husband. Take time out if you have to, be busy in the kitchen or whatever. Resolve to do the right thing and then do it.

Big hug x you can do it x

Original poster
Sladistic · 24/12/2013 12:30

I know I need to be honest. The problem is whenever I try to talk to him he either literally refuses to hear it, or guilt trips me for making him unhappy when he's happy with us.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 24/12/2013 12:37

I don't think you should dump somebody on Christmas eve. Get through Christmas as best you can and in the New Year finish things if that's what you want to do. And don't be talked out of it. There is no point in one person being happy and the other person being unhappy. Don't be guilt tripped. Easier said than done I know.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 24/12/2013 12:42

Time your talk for daylight, you arrange to stay somewhere and pack beforehand and go as soon as you've talked.

Original poster
Sladistic · 24/12/2013 12:44

Thanks, helpful practical advice.

He's just called me from the supermarket. He's all excited for Christmas. I feel awful. Sad

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 24/12/2013 12:45

These are unfortunately the consequences to your actions.

I understand this is difficult for you, but you should have just ended it with your DP first before you even considered another man.

There is never going to be an easy time to do the 'talk', but sooner rather than later is better.

Let him guilt trip you all he wants. Tell him you are no longer happy, and cant see you two going any further forward. Nothing can be done to change that. You are deeply sorry, but can no longer continue living a lie.

Its not fair on either of you if you arent happy.
You could do the game of 'lets play, lets pretend' over christmas, but would that make you happy?

Do what is best for you.

HowAboutNo · 24/12/2013 12:54

How sad. I don't know what I'd do, but then again I very much wear my heart on my sleeve so would be doing it the very moment I couldn't take it anymore. Then again, it's Christmas. I'm not being much use but I think you need to put OM out of your mind - your DP is the one you need to be worrying about.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 24/12/2013 13:08

I agree it is a sad time of year to finish but having left it this late, wait at least until the weekend. It will be gruesome but this time of year has such symbolism. Once Christmas is over you might feel compelled to finish before NYE.

HansieMom · 24/12/2013 15:13

Do you live together?

sooperdooper · 24/12/2013 15:48

I've been in your exact position, and I know how hard it is around Christmas if you realise that your relationship is over

You need to let your DP know asap that you need to end your relationship, and give yourself some time to move on, don't focus on the OM, just focus on yourself in the new year and give your DP the chance to do the same

Pheonixisrising · 24/12/2013 18:44

you have one life , live it

do not let him guilt trick you , there will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever phew be a good time to end it

your decision , make it