Advice needed - Can no longer be alcoholic mothers punchbag.

[AdmiralData]

Hello all :) Firstly, thanks if you have clicked on this thread, it may be a little long so as not to drip feed. In as nutshell as I can make it:

I am 25. Alcoholic Mother is 50. I will not deny that despite brief moments of 'affection' in my life, my mother has in actual fact neglected and physically/emotionally abused me all my life. She is unemployed and has no friends or relatives apart from myself who speaks to her. Due to her nature my siblings have gone no contact.
I forgive every thing she has ever done to me, because if I don't I fear that hatred will eat at me until I eventually turn into her. Anyway, I told her that she was more than welcome to join me, my DH and DS(9 months) on Christmas day. It is to be a non-alcoholic occasion. I booked a taxi ready, bought her gifts and bought everything she likes in a Christmas lunch. I have done her shopping, arranged for her benefits to be sorted and gotten her in contact with a clinic for addictions and made doctors appointments all ready for her. I have also found a house near me that she can move into and filled in the forms for relevant housing benefits.
Last night I phoned her (as she asks me to phone every day once in morn and evening) and she was drunk. It turn out she had consumed almost a litre of vodka for the reason that I would apparently 'leave' her like everyone else blah blah and she nagged me for not hating my sister. She started screaming down the phone and called me many names. This is NOT a new thing. This is standard behaviour. I always forgive, I always continue to allow her to be part of my life.
Because of what she has done I have ended up on medication for severe anxiety and I am afraid of my own shadow. I don't have low self esteem, I have NO self esteem and I give up.

I am a Christian and feel that I have to keep forgiving. I can't do it anymore. Please advise, I am awfully sorry for the length.

Well the simplest option is to cut contact. Toxic people suck the life out of you. Im 15yrs down the line of NC and would never go back, she still sends letters via ss but they are read, ripped up and forgotten.

Whether NC is right for you, well only you can decide that

Thank you sincerely for replying give - The only thing holding me back is the knowledge that she is about to become homeless because she won't take care of her own personal affairs.

You could always do what I do with my abusive alcoholic father when he starts and that is to put them in a temporary NC "time out". I find about a month usually does it. He will always revert back to type next time he doesn't get his own way, but at least I don't make myself listen it any more.

Yes put her in touch with others that can help and get counselling to help you find a way forward.

Is she still abusive when not drunk?

Earls She can be semi reasonable when sober but has a tendency to find fault with EVERYTHING you say (literally). I tend to stick to the weather and her health as subjects of discussion. I am looking up charities that can help as we speak. Though I resent having to be responsible for her.

alcoholics are extremely selfish people. I know this from bitter experience. But they can sober up and stay sober and become a whole lot nicer.

I would be keeping a wide berth until your mother sought professional help. Its not ok to be like this around your baby especially as you need to put your family first.

Hi Admiral, does your mum have a social worker? Is there anyone else who can help her?
I agree that NC seems to be the only way to go though, her actions and behaviour are affecting your health and your life.
You have given her loads of support and she obviously abuses your good nature.
If I were you I'd give her a deadline to actively seek help. If she doesn't then cut contact.
I know of someone that had to turn her back on her alcoholic son. It broke her heart as he lived on the streets for 3 years, but he hit rock bottom, joined AA and is now sober.

You are still trying to please your mum. Part of you wants her to somehow pull it out of the bag and be the mum you really want.

I'm not saying that can't happen - it's possible - but it's unlikely. It is a long, hard road to accept that and take a step back. I totally relate to the things you have done for her - I have been like that too. I haven't actually cut contact, but I've become much less involved and now at 44 I'm just about able to accept I didn't really have a mum, not like some people do, and to grieve for that, instead of wishing she could be it.

I think Christianity can unfortunately sometimes make people think they do have to put up with abuse. You don't. Your mum is using your goodwill to make you the person who she can just hurl all her rage at, and it's not ok.

Stay calm, don't expect anything of her, get support from reliable people around you, and work gradually on reducing her influence on your life and your feelings. Mumsnet can be a great help too as there are plenty of us with mum problems who can relate to you. It's not your fault.

You marvellous people are absolutely fantastic. I've got a few ideas of where to go from here now. I WILL contact social services asap and contact the addiction clinic on her behalf to let them know what is happening. I'll probably try to contact the alcoholic mother but she is on a wild bender so it may take a few days. She has ruined Christmas for herself, I didn't do it for her. I really appreciate your help and support. I hope you all have a great Christmas :)

I have not forgiven my parents and I am not consumed by hatred and bitterness for them either I accept that they are both fuck ups with loads of issues but why should I forgive or deny my anger let her forgive herself. You sound very nice but you also sound like her doormat and her mother and you sound much better than that be there for your own family not this big drinker.

Hi OP,

I don't have much to advise by way of benefits or social assistance as I'm not in the UK; however, you can forgive without having to keep going back to her.

You can forgive her for falling into the same pattern over and over, and know that it's not you who has done anything wrong. From there, you can accept that it's her problem, and allow yourself to live your life.

You've done all you can.

All the best

Sorry, i have no advice to give, but I just want to say your Mum is very lucky to have you in her life, and for you

The world is a better place with people like you in it, Thanks. x

I wish you a very happy Christmas, and a peaceful 2014

Maeve Binchy wrote a good line in her novel 'Quentin's ' - 'the bible says honour thy father and mother, not lie down and be a doormat'. You could argue that you are best honouring your mother by refusing to enable her drinking. It's not an unChristian thing to do.

Thanks again everyone.
Especially you BMW6 You almost made me cry :)

I hope your Christmases are magical

I am also the daughter of an alcoholic who neglected me. My sisters dont really bother with her. My father and myself are the only ones who give her any time.

I did cut contact once, for a few months. It was torture for me. Even after all the awful things she has said and done, i personally, cant go through life not knowing how my mother is.

So i limit contact now. Once a week i see her, and speak on the phone every couple of days.

Your mother has done this to herself. I understand how you feel you should help her, and there is nothing wrong with that.
You must understand that your health comes first.
If that means you need to limit contact, and do less for her - then so be it. She is a fully grown woman, who is more than capable of looking after herself.
She chose this path. You didnt.

Agree about the forgiveness. You can forgive her, you can be sorry for her. You can still protect yourself and your own closest family members at the same time, and decide that certain behaviours are ones you will not stand for. Forgiveness is not the same thing as enduring abuse.

You may not need to cut contact, but detach, detach, detach.

Forcing yourself to forgive and treat her like you would a normal mum is damaging for you.
You don't have to hate her. It is said that the actual opposite of love is indifference.

That's what happened with exH. I don't hate him, I would just put all the distance I can between me and him.
My own mother can also be critical and controlling. We all create distance with her. Still a close family, but getting too close would create conflict.

You have a good plan to get her support.

The next thing might be your mental attitude. You could check out transactional analysis to adopt attitudes of an adult towards her probable parent and child roles. I only skimmed it, but I think it helped me in key events not to let the situation go completely out of hand with tantrums on both parts and not to let myself be affected by hers.

You poor thing. I was going to post exactly what MummyBeerest and TheFirstToel said.

Forgiveness does not mean that you must allow them to do it again and again. It means that you forgive them for doing it once (or twice, or loads) before. You have your own family now, and your first loyalty is to them. You have no reason to feel guilty for this.

I fear that you can contact all the agencies, charities and other external help in the world. Trouble is, unless your mother wants to change, none of it will make any difference. It really won't. By all means point her in the right direction, but you can't do it for her. I know it's hard, but I think you have to let her hit rock bottom, and it sounds like your being there is preventing her from doing this. Only then will she have any incentive to change.

I know what the risk is: that she may never give up, and that her drinking will cost her her life - and this is a terrible thing to face. But she will continue to drink anyway, while you enable her, and by going NC there is a chance - just a chance - that she will turn herself around.

I really hope you find the strength to take a step back, you sound like you deserve some peace

So sorry for what you are going through. I had the same with my mother but luckily for me she died 15 years ago so I don't have this issue any longer but like you I suffer from terrible anxiety.

I didn't begin the healing process until a few years after her death as obviously I was really confused with my feelings of love, hate, guilt etc. if she was still in my life though, I doubt I would handle it.

Counselling taught me to forgive, they told me if I didn't then it would eat me up. They said that forgiving someone doesn't mean what they did wasn't bad or wrong but it's just not healthy for us to hang on to the bad stuff like that.

I can't tell you to go nc as you are the one who has to live with any decision you make, but you need to remember that it's unlikely things will change and you have a child to think about now.

In the future if you are looking for help for yourself you could try hypnotherapy. This really helped me to love myself and find worth in myself. It really helped me tackle my anxiety too and my attacks are not as often or as bad.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Thank you all for your sound advice, I hope I can learn from your experiences. I tried phoning her today to appease my conscience but she was drunk and aggressive. I text her (she is unable to reply as spends her money on alcohol, duh) and let her know that despite her behaviour I would help get her a house (I'm a total dick and walkover, I know) BUT I am not spending Christmas thinking about her as she has clearly chosen not to think about me. Merry Christmas all:D

I'm surprised no one has mentioned Al-Anon yet (apologies if I missed it). Please consider going to some of these meetings, or going back if you have been before. There are plenty of people there who have been in a similar position to you and have found a better way to deal with this kind of situation. I mean 'better' as in more comfortable for you and very possibly better for your mum.
Good luck.

Al Anon really helps me. I don't think i'd be here now otherwise. I've only been going since august but it's been my lifeline. Stops me feeling so alone. And a lot about detaching, letting go of guilt, etc.. it took a while to make sense but it's starting to sink in! I just wish they had one tomorrow in my area.. I need it!

I'm having counselling and hypnotherapy too. I left my abusive alcoholic ex. Detaching is the key but takes practise.

I haven't read whole thread (but I will). I had to re read op a few times. I'm in an almost identical position. Mother (currently drinking) decided three days ago that she wasn't coming to xmas dinner (presents ready etc), that there needed to be distance between us, that I was v the emotional vampire and various abusive texts (has also told her mother in a nursing home she's a bitch...)

Its so hard. I need help working out what is going on in my head. I get so upset, feel so unloved and rejected.

Could never go nc. My mother has mental health issues (as a lot do, and self medicate) and I know c she regrets it when sober BUT I need to somehow be less emotionally invested.

I want to invite her to school plays etc (and for a few months I'd see her say once a week until she flips again and I'm evil...)

Its so so hard. Ill reread thread sometime, both to support you and to look for advice.

(I'm also from a Christian background and forgive each time but do wonder if there's something in that that masks low self esteem or cones from desire to make things better.

ARealPickle - from reading your post I think it's fair to say we have a bit in common :) I had the police knock on my door at 7pm this evening to inform me that my mother had phoned them from a public phone box in her home town (drunk) and informing them of her intention to kill herself. I was handed her house key and told to look after the dogs. I need this like a hole in the head. I phoned the hospital but they refuse to tell me anything over the phone and I cannot get there as I don't drive. In the last few days she has phoned me screaming about the fact that she didn't get a Christmas card or gifts (My father and I have tried delivering gifts for her and the dogs a few times now but she locks the door and turns off her phone). I'm just ranting but I'm fed up. I don't see why my siblings get to avoid all this hassle and I am always the one who picks her up.
I understand about needing to be less emotionally invested but from a Christian point of view I keep thinking that Jesus wouldn't give up? I haven't even been to church since Christmas Eve mass because I don't want to leave the house. Argh.