Advice needed - Can no longer be alcoholic mothers punchbag.

[AdmiralData]

Hello all :) Firstly, thanks if you have clicked on this thread, it may be a little long so as not to drip feed. In as nutshell as I can make it:

I am 25. Alcoholic Mother is 50. I will not deny that despite brief moments of 'affection' in my life, my mother has in actual fact neglected and physically/emotionally abused me all my life. She is unemployed and has no friends or relatives apart from myself who speaks to her. Due to her nature my siblings have gone no contact.
I forgive every thing she has ever done to me, because if I don't I fear that hatred will eat at me until I eventually turn into her. Anyway, I told her that she was more than welcome to join me, my DH and DS(9 months) on Christmas day. It is to be a non-alcoholic occasion. I booked a taxi ready, bought her gifts and bought everything she likes in a Christmas lunch. I have done her shopping, arranged for her benefits to be sorted and gotten her in contact with a clinic for addictions and made doctors appointments all ready for her. I have also found a house near me that she can move into and filled in the forms for relevant housing benefits.
Last night I phoned her (as she asks me to phone every day once in morn and evening) and she was drunk. It turn out she had consumed almost a litre of vodka for the reason that I would apparently 'leave' her like everyone else blah blah and she nagged me for not hating my sister. She started screaming down the phone and called me many names. This is NOT a new thing. This is standard behaviour. I always forgive, I always continue to allow her to be part of my life.
Because of what she has done I have ended up on medication for severe anxiety and I am afraid of my own shadow. I don't have low self esteem, I have NO self esteem and I give up.

I am a Christian and feel that I have to keep forgiving. I can't do it anymore. Please advise, I am awfully sorry for the length.

How do you know Jesus 'wouldn't give up'? He wasn't a martyr. Perhaps he would have stopped shielding her from the full consequences of her behaviour.

Admiraldata I'm assuming from your mention of mass that you are a Catholic. I think you really need to get some help for yourself, this is too much for you to take emotionally and you need some kind of plan. You must know that Catholic teaching is to NEVER stay in a position of abuse. I think a lot of things are getting mixed up and confused here. This is your mum and I'm sure you long to have a reciprocal relationship with her - but unless you get a miracle this is highly unlikely to happen. It seems like you just cannot bear to let go even though this contact is causing constant pain and anxiety for you.

People have mentioned Al-Anon, have you contact with a group, especially one that is based in a Catholic church? As another Catholic who loves her faith I think you also have to give your mum to God and not try to constantly rescue her. Don't try to be Jesus. You are obviously so loving and you want to do the right thing by your mum. However, you also have a responsibility of love for yourself. Maybe because of your mum's neglect and abuse you are not able to put up some boundaries. Forgiveness is not about offering yourself up for constant punishment - Jesus said "Do not throw your pearls before swine". Your mum is not capable of recognizing how you are constantly offering her pearls because they are being trampled in the mud of her disordered life. Do you have children? I imagine this situation is putting strain on your marriage and family.

I think mabe your have to let go of a dream - that through your forgiveness and love your mum will change. It's possible but I think you have tried long enough. You must not offer yourself up as a sacrifice to your mum's alcoholism. You have a right to be nourished and healed yourself and maybe that is not going to happen for your mum. Is there anyone in a pastoral role you can talk to about what is going on at the moment?

I will sincerely pray for you tonight - my heart goes out to you.

How do you know Jesus 'wouldn't give up'? He wasn't a martyr.
Erm... Easter?

But, yes, his message is about forgiveness, but it's for those who actually repent and want to not repeat their sins.

Matthew 7:6

The best you can do is to be available for her if she actually reaches out for you.

Forgiveness does not mean amnesia and constantly going back for more. You obviously understand that your mum may not be in control of her behavior and what she is saying, that already is very understanding and forgiving but it doesn't mean you are obliged to put yourself in the firing line. I agree that Jesus would not necessarily shield someone from the natural consequences of their behavior.

Why have your siblings been able to go NC while you cannot? Do you think your um has given you the role of trying to save her? Or is it coming only from within you?

Have a look at this christian site about abusive families

www.luke173ministries.org/

Especially on forgiveness - that the bible says forgive those who repent not those who do not think they have done anything wrong.

Why do you think your life is worth destroying for hers? It still doesn't sound like she is happy or having a good life despite your sacrifices.

i think thee is a difference in being a good christian and doing what you are doing at the risk of your own health, the wellbeing of your child - who will suffer becuase you are ill and that of your own wider family.

you cannot help an alcoholic who does not want to be helped

Protecting your own well being is not giving up. You can forgive and move in without placing yourselves emotionally harms way.

My mother has been an alcoholic for years. I recently had to report her for drink driving. I don't feel great about it. I got some shitty replies on a thread I started about it but this is the reality of things I have to deal with.

You cannot help an alcohol and you don't have to put up with their abuse. Family or not. Accepting this, seeing it as an illness only they can cure is the way forward.

You really should contact Al-Anon for support, or a church related group.

Regarding the dogs, could you contact the RSPCA? If she can't take care of them, she really shouldn't keep them. And you should not be responsible for them either.

As long as you keep picking her up, she will keep expecting you to.

My DM is in this situation with DDad. He's been a functioning alcoholic for about 25 years, it damn nearly killed him 5 years ago, he's now disabled with brain damage & they are separated. Still DM refuses to accept that he's getting worse again. I've largely cut contact, DD (she's 20m) doesn't know him despite him living in the same town as us. I'm past the stage of getting upset about it now, In my mind I've already lost my dad. I'm not sure if prayer helps TBH, I know my DM prays for him every day.

Once you accept it (I know it sounds heartless) it will be less painful. Maybe your DM will get better & stand on her own two feet, maybe not. But at the moment, she's got no incentive to try as she knows you will keep rescuing her.

You're all absolutely right of course. I genuinely thought that it was my duty as a good person to do whatever it took to help my mother, even sacrificing my health and sanity (believe me, I have). I looked up the bible reference and it makes sense. The dogs will very shortly be returning to my Dad in his new home as of January 11th so that is something. The marital home is being repossessed and she will be homeless. I TRIED to get her housing help. If she turns up at my door homeless, what should I do? I realise it's a big ask but I could genuinely use some insight. I don't want a relationship with her, I don't want to save her but I don't want her to come to any harm. The dream of her being fixed is long dashed.

She can get council housing.

All that I can say is that I have had to cut exH for safety and sanity. It was hard, but it has paid.

On the other hand, I see the effects on my mother and father, of having my abusive grandmother in their home.
She could ruin your marriage and possibly endanger your son.

ditch the bitch.
i'm a christian, too, but really, your mum takes the biscuit. don't go anywhere near her, keep in touch by phone if she's polite (hang up immediately if not) and point her to the twelve steps. in fact, put a whole load of advice in writing and post it to her, with an account of your experience and your rules for future contact.

If she turns up at your house, take her to her local homeless persons unit. Have the address ready before hand. They will rehouse her. It will be a hostel probably at first.

There is no way I would have my mum live with me in a million years. Triple that with a young child.

This is your opportunity to get some firm boundaries in place and move forwards. I know its hard, shit and unfair but you've tried to help, been understanding and its made no difference. I'm guessing you have spent a lot of emotional energy on this which has taken away from your own little family.

You're under no obligation to house her. She's been verbally abusive, threatened suicide, etc, etc. You've got a baby to consider, it wouldn't be reasonable to expect you to house her. You've already tried to sort her life out & she's rejected your efforts, it's likely she will continue to behave the same if she lives with you. She sounds unstable & frankly unsafe to have around your baby.

You aren't responsible for her. But, if she comes to live with you, even temporarily, you may find yourself stuck with her. My DM nearly fell foul of this with my dad, SS tried to prosecute her for kicking him out & she was lucky to get good legal advice. DO NOT let her live with you, nor even stay the night.

I agree if she stays with you at all the homeless persons unit may not take her. The councils are very particular . It needs to be the same council she is registered at the GP with or she will not be entitled to funding.

Thanks everyone - I'll have to contact the council about what to do if someone becomes immediately homeless. I won't let her live with me, I do have to consider my son and husband.