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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done something stupid, really stupid

32 replies

Whatsthefuture · 23/12/2013 19:29

my EH assaulted me in the summer, causing extensive bruising on my leg. I reported it to the police. But the really stupid thing I did was tell my friends on Facebook. I only have a few on there because I only 'friend' people I know and some of my family members. I deleted the post as soon as I realised how incredibly stupid I was. But at the same time I also wanted them to know what an abusive bully he is. Anyway someone sent the post to him and now he has shown it to all his family and all the friends we had as a couple. As a result I have been shunned by our social circle and of course his family. I am devastated. Has anyone else also something as silly and rash as this? If so how have you coped? I've turned myself into a social outcast.

OP posts:
MerryFuckingChristmas · 23/12/2013 19:31

I don't understand

why are you blaming yourself for telling people what he did

he is your ex, right ?

do people not believe that he attacked you ?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/12/2013 19:31

Why has that turned you into an outcast? He's the woman beater not you

MerryFuckingChristmas · 23/12/2013 19:31

if these people have cast you out because of this, then I say Good Riddance to 'em

tribpot · 23/12/2013 19:34

Why is it silly? You stated a fact. He assaulted you. You reported him to the police because he had committed a crime.

If your mutual friends and his family don't like that, well there's nothing you can do about it. He chose to assault you, and they've chosen to side with him. Shame on them.

One of your own friends is not as loyal as he/she should be, but beyond that you are not a social outcast. Your own friends support you, I assume.

Hold your head up high. You wouldn't feel you had to conceal it on FB if a stranger had assaulted you.

SirRaymondClench · 23/12/2013 19:34

So people are shunning you who was assaulted and not him who assaulted you?
These people are cunts.
Please stop beating yourself up.
You've done nothing wrong.

mammadiggingdeep · 23/12/2013 19:34

I don't understand this. They've shunned you be aide he attacked you and you shared a pic of it?

Tinks42 · 23/12/2013 19:35

ummm, are all your friends etc. advocates of abusive behaviour?

MorrisZapp · 23/12/2013 19:36

His family are shunning you because he assaulted you? They sound very unpleasant if that's the case.

PissesGlitter · 23/12/2013 19:41

Your next Facebook status reads -
It seems I need new friends as the ones I currently have are advocates for domestic abuse Angry
If you have sided with him them it's goodbye from me
Let the blocking begin Smile

Then wait 10 minutes so they see it
Then unfriend and block
You do not need wankers like that in your life

Original poster
Whatsthefuture · 23/12/2013 19:43

He is an incredibly charming, helpful, successful man in their eyes. He is incredibly convincing.
I guess they want to be in with him because of his success. I know you are all spot on. But, man, it really does hurt.

My friends have stuck by me. I'm afraid he might try and 'seduce' them too. He is certainly trying.

OP posts:
rpitchfo · 23/12/2013 19:46

any friends you lose over this are not friends.

CogitoMerrilyOnHigh · 23/12/2013 19:52

I don't think you've been silly or rash. If people are so shallow as to choose your abusive ex on the strength of his cashflow then they're not worth having in your life. Divorce IME (even when there's no abuse element) sorts the wheat from the chaff friend-wise.

Original poster
Whatsthefuture · 23/12/2013 19:58

Wow thank you. I'm starting to feel so much better after reading all your supportive comments. This kind of thing really does point you in the direction of true friendships.

OP posts:
wordyBird · 23/12/2013 20:01

You have not been silly or rash.

People that physically and mentally assault others often are charming, helpful and successful - on the surface. Otherwise, why would anyone get into a relationship with them?

So let the truth stand. People need to learn.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 23/12/2013 20:02

Any friend who doesn't stick up for you or at very least not get involved are certainly no friends you want to keep. If you just kept quiet and then something happened they wouldn't be there to protect you. At least the friends you have told and who are supporting you will know what has happened and be there to support you - nobody can go through such things on their own it isn't fair nor practical.

Anyone can deny someone is abusive and some people don't seem it but the way I see it is I always keep an open mind, even if I think the person is so not that type of person. I will think to myself, 'I don't see them like that but then I haven't been in a close relationship like that with them'.

I think you are well rid of those types. Why care what his family think anyway? Obviously the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. They probably realise they turned him into the thug he is as very few men just randomly turn out violent towards women.

I really do sympathise. :(

AnUnearthlyChild · 23/12/2013 20:04

What pissesglitter said, with big fuck off Xmas bells on it.

Anyone who sides with him is an arse of the highest order, and is condoning violence.

Hold our head up high. You got rid of him and you got on with your life. You should be proud. I would be proud to be a friend of someone like you.

cjel · 23/12/2013 20:04

I lost a couple of close'friends' when my abusive ex and I split up, it did hurt but they had his fun money spending social life to live. I realise now that I am better of without them and they must have lonely empty lives to want to stay with him after what happened. Still hurts sometimes but I have peace and lovely new friends.

Sunshinesunshine1978 · 23/12/2013 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 23/12/2013 20:12

Agree you have done nothing wrong. That you think you have suggests you are feeling insecure, which is perfectly understandable in/following an abusive relationship.
If I read that status update about a man I was friends with, I would struggle to believe it at first I suppose - but the being charming would make me think it's more likely as a users often are. It would make me distrustful of him even if I wasn't entirely sure what had happened. My instinct would be to believe the account of abuse, after I got over the shock.
The people are arses.

Original poster
Whatsthefuture · 23/12/2013 20:16

He's actually still in the house with me, even though we are divorced. The Judge has told him he has to be out by January. He's been given a time and date. In the meantime he makes sure I know who he's going to dinner with, when he's seeing his girlfriend, what gifts he's bought her. He's now started hanging around, winding me up and then when I'm in a state of frenzy he follows me around with his phone on record. So far he hasn't managed to record me retaliating because I just clam up when I know he's doing it. So he yells and tells me how awful I am. Recording himself LOL. This has become the norm for me and I know it will end in 3 weeks. But the friend thing. That goes on.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 23/12/2013 20:18

Crikey. That sounds like hell. Can't you go and stay with someone for a few weeks?

Original poster
Whatsthefuture · 23/12/2013 20:22

Wish I could :-( BrianTheMole
I'm going away for a week after Christmas with the kiddies. Joy.
When he's gone I'll stop smoking!

OP posts:
ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 23/12/2013 20:24

Is he allowed to stay despite a police report of violence? That sounds. Dry unfair. Could you secretly record him recording himself ranting like an arse? You could upload a file to youtube and share "the truth" on Facebook..

Original poster
Whatsthefuture · 23/12/2013 20:43

Yes, he can still stay despite a police report of violence. They will only evict him if I am carted of to A&E in an ambulance. Yep. Sadly that's true.
Good idea re: recording the recording.
Oh you lovely people have cheered me up.

OP posts:
NumptyNameChange · 23/12/2013 20:56

you have done nothing wrong AND you have given your friends fair warning as to what kind of man he is if/when he starts sniffing round them.

do not feel silly or stupid and thank the lord he is an ex.