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Original poster

My hopeless brother- should I intervene?

31 replies

Makemineamincepie · 23/12/2013 15:50

Bit of back history- I live 350 miles from my elderly parents and have done for 35 years. My brother- 10 years younger and single ( never had a long term relationship) lives near them.

I know my mum desperately wishes I was closer, but I keep in touch and visit when I can. She loves Xmas but my dad is a miserable old bugger- bah humbug- and pours cold water on it all. They don't get on and just put up with each other really.

Anyway- she's just told me that my brother has bought himself a slow cooker. Wow! she asked him if he would invite her round for a meal once he'd worked out how to use it. I doubt he will. He has never in all the time he's owned his home ( he's 49) asked them round for a meal. When I go and visit he doesn't invite me round - I have to ask- and simply calls in to our parents for a coffee. He has few friends and never invites anyone to his house anyway.

I jokingly suggested to my mum that my brother ought to be cooking xmas dinner for them now- they are late 80s- instead of her cooking it for him and she just laughed and said he wouldn't know how to.

I then made the point that he never asks them round or cooks them a meal. She came up with all the silly excuses you can imagine ( for him) saying he always eats later than they do, or that he has to walk his dog ( big deal) or that he is busy ( looking after himself, no one else.)

I suppose what I am saying is that he doesn't do his bit except in very practical ways, like bits of DIY and gardening, and could do more.

Basically I think he's selfish and inconsiderate as maybe single men are when they get to 49 and never had a relationship or kids.

Would you suggest to him that he ought to invite her round more often and maybe cook something now and then?

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/12/2013 15:57

You can suggest all you like. He won't. Unless he buys pre-made food. Or gets her to cook the meal at his place.

I'd stay out, TBH.

CogitoMerrilyOnHigh · 23/12/2013 16:38

I agree with the PP. He behaves a particular way, they collude with the excuses and everyone seems happy enough with the arrangement. You'd behave differently if you lived nearer but that's immaterial. Best to stay out of it.

gobbynorthernbird · 23/12/2013 17:55

I love entertaining, but some people don't. I wouldn't force it on anyone, or guilt them into it. As long as you're not stuck doing everything for your parents, then let him live his life. He doesn't owe them anything.

MadBusLady · 23/12/2013 18:31

I suppose what I am saying is that he doesn't do his bit except in very practical ways, like bits of DIY and gardening, and could do more.

God, DIY and gardening, how dreadful of him.

From what you say, it sounds like he makes a contribution, but for whatever reason it doesn't meet your standards or consist of the things you feel it should (cooking seems to feature heavily?) which sounds a bit rich coming from someone who lives 350 miles away to be honest. If he is really neglecting your parents, not assisting them when they desperately need it, that's different - but you haven't even said that your mum particularly wants Christmas dinner made for her.

Really it's none of your business whether he learns how to be a cordon bleu chef or not or whether he has friends round for dinner or not. Also, do knock that unpleasant assumption that a single, childfree person can't possibly be legitimately "busy" right on the head.

HavantGuard · 23/12/2013 18:32

Are you sure he lives alone?

Lweji · 23/12/2013 18:40

Fwiw, my dad doesn't cook, never did and gave my mum a cook book when they got married. Ok, he does very basic stuff like boiling and grilling.
He contributes in lots of other ways.
He'd never in his life invite people in for a meal or offer to cook at all.

My ex could and would cook. I'd rather have someone like my dad.

dozeydoris · 23/12/2013 18:41

Well, he does his bit.

Perhaps your guilt at not being nearer is influencing your feelings here, he is your DP's son, if he has turned out less generous than you would like they have no one to blame but themselves and will have to get on with it.

Perhaps he could help DM cook the meal at the parents' house.

WhoNickedMyName · 23/12/2013 18:46

Given that you live 350 miles away I'd take a guess that he's doing a hell of a lot more than you... Even if it is "only" gardening and DIY.

Stay out of it.

Effjay · 23/12/2013 18:48

You could be describing my uncle (who is now 70). He lives about 12 miles from me and neither I nor my parents have been to his house for about 30 years. He lives on his own and has done all his life. He is very sociable when he is with us, but does not seem to have much going on in his life at all. We think that the house is just a complete mess as the times when we did visit it, it was in major disorder (he was in fact in the middle of building part of a catamaran in his front living room last time we went!) He's a bit eccentric!

I talk about his situation with my Mum and Dad who live 500 miles away as it would be up to me to deal with any emergency - and the older he gets the more likely that would be. However, any attempts to suggest a different way of living is met with very strong resistance from him.

You are lucky your brother lives near your parents as he will be able to get to them quickly in an emergency. Also, he probably thinks he does quite a bit for them, if he does DIY/ Gardening, etc.

My uncle has always been the same. Your brother won't change. You have to accept him how he is and see that he is there for them, which no doubt really helps you in ways you probably don't realise.

Onesleeptillwembley · 23/12/2013 18:56

You sound like you're stirring it. Back off.

Original poster
Makemineamincepie · 23/12/2013 19:14

Oh I might have guessed there'd be some bitching about what I do or don't do. I do as much as I can - I order lots of stuff online for them because they can't always get out - ( and of course my brother could do the same easily enough) and when I visit, when work and 2 DCs allow, I get stuck into the gardening and DIY as well.

The point is it was my mum who was being wistful and complaining. She gets no emotional support from my brother and is very unhappy with my dad.

For her to have a change of scene like having a meal at my brother's would mean a lot to her.

I'm just amazed that after 20 years in his house 2 miles from theirs, he never invites them over. You may think it's none of my business but we are a close family and I feel it is my business in some ways.

OP posts:
jimijack · 23/12/2013 19:20

You need to be very careful.

You have no right to comment or interfere when our contribution is minimal given the distance between you & your parents.

It really is none of your business.

jimijack · 23/12/2013 19:22

Invite her to you for a change of scenery then.

2468Motorway · 23/12/2013 19:34

I don't think you can tell your brother what to do.

Perhaps he thinks, well sister's kids are older now how come she's too busy to visit much. This would be a massive assumption yes? Just like yours on how 49 single men should behave. Perhaps he's not single, perhaps he doesn't like them much, perhaps he thinks he's doing enough, perhaps he hates entertaining. Could be any, all or none of these reasons. I would stay out of it.

Corygal · 23/12/2013 19:50

There is a type of person who can't see a single man or woman without trying to give them jobs to do - usually stuff said person might be liable for themselves.

Back off. Your brother does more than you do, which admittedly isn't difficult. Galvanizing other people to do your share for you isn't fooling anyone.

If you really wanted to save your DM work, you'd have invited her to stay with you.

Jackthebodiless · 23/12/2013 22:57

Some people are terrified at the thought of 'entertaining' in any way, even having family over for a casual bite to eat is too stressful for them. I know a couple of people like this, though they're perfectly 'normal' and sociable in other ways.
It's obviously just not your brother's thing. It certainly sounds as if he's looking after them pretty well with the DIY and the gardening, tbh.

CookieDoughKid · 23/12/2013 23:22

Look, at 49, your brother is well set in his ways. If your parents make no fuss then leave them be!!

LessMissAbs · 23/12/2013 23:51

Your brother can't cook. Big deal. I think your suggestions that his somehow "failing" to invite your parents round for a cooked meal are on a par with his suggesting you should uproot your entire life to move nearer to them. Which he hasn't done.

You sound incredibly set in your ways and judgemental about people who choose not to get married and have children. He sounds like a perfectly reasonable person - he visits your parents regularly, does DIY and gardening for them, owns his own house - whats the problem? That cosy dinner parties with his parents don't happen? How many people do that anyway?!

I take it that you of course regularly have your parents to stay with you when you cook meals for them in your own home, getting round any travel difficulties by driving them there and back yourself of course? All of which is perfectly doable.

Original poster
makemineamincepie · 24/12/2013 08:50

Jeez the MN vipers are really out for me here aren't they? Most posts are nowhere near the truth in terms of the assumptions over what I do or don't do. I can't really believe the comments from people who simply don't know the circumstances but think it's fine to be bitchy.

Of course he's bloody single! I visit him and them quite often and know what's going on in his life. As for picking my parents up and inviting them here etc they are almost 90- they don't want to and can't travel so far by car. They refuse to. Okay?

It's not me that's set in my ways- it's my brother. In all the years he'd lived up the road he's invited my mum for a cuppa about 5 times. He won't even pick her up to look at stuff on the web at his place ( they don't have a computer or internet) so she can order it for her- she calls me, I try to describe it and order it for her- clothes, things for the house. It's not just about cooking- even a cup of tea would be welcomed by my mum.
I've decided what to do anyway- I'll simply tell him it would mean a lot to her to be invited over either for beans on toast or a cup of tea, because she's told me so herself.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 24/12/2013 08:56

So everyone has told you it's a bad idea, but you think we're all wrong. Why ask for advice? Let's hope you don't end up causing a fall-out.

BohemianGirl · 24/12/2013 10:06

I've decided what to do anyway- I'll simply tell him it would mean a lot to her to be invited over either for beans on toast or a cup of tea, because she's told me so herself.

Why are you stirring it?

MadBusLady · 24/12/2013 10:21

Tell you what, OP, why don't you post this in AIBU instead? Maybe you'll get more sensible people there who'll see your point of view.

Lweji · 24/12/2013 12:01

Mad, excellent suggestion. Grin

How come you visit him a lot, but not your parents?

Does he actually invite you in?

Have you asked him why he doesn't get them/her in?

I don't really invite my parents in. Mostly due to my mum's past attitudes. It's more peaceful to just visit them.

Your mum seems lonely. Does she have friends, any social life?

Kitttty · 24/12/2013 12:10

I feel sorry for your Mum - it looks like the real issue is her need for emotional connection and warmth - not dinner, beans on toast or tea parties. She doesn't get it from your father or brother and never will. I would look at how you could look to meet that need in other ways or by involving other people. Has she any good friends who listen who could take her out once in a while for lunch or a coffee?

Dont make waves - your parents are in the very last years (if not months/weeks/days) of their lives. You mother is happy with what her son does for her - leave her with that pleasant feeling.

You are lucky that they are still independent and you have a brother so close. Imagine the stress for you if he wasn't local. His contribution is only likely to increase significantly due to their age, his location nearby etc. You need him on your side in the near future and you need to support and respect him.

He might have also plans, dreams and wishes to live another life elsewhere but feels that he cannot move now. He could be very frustrated.

On a practical note why not treat your to broadband, and a £30 tablet so that she can skype you and her grandchildren.

Tough managing elderly parents and sibling rivalry - I wish I had that luxury - both of mine died very young (Dad@33, Mum@63)

pumpkinsweetie · 24/12/2013 12:10

My advice would be to stay out of it.
What he does & doesn't do is down to him, you live 350 miles away so i'm sure he may do more than you realise.