My hopeless brother- should I intervene?

[Makemineamincepie]

Bit of back history- I live 350 miles from my elderly parents and have done for 35 years. My brother- 10 years younger and single ( never had a long term relationship) lives near them.

I know my mum desperately wishes I was closer, but I keep in touch and visit when I can. She loves Xmas but my dad is a miserable old bugger- bah humbug- and pours cold water on it all. They don't get on and just put up with each other really.

Anyway- she's just told me that my brother has bought himself a slow cooker. Wow! she asked him if he would invite her round for a meal once he'd worked out how to use it. I doubt he will. He has never in all the time he's owned his home ( he's 49) asked them round for a meal. When I go and visit he doesn't invite me round - I have to ask- and simply calls in to our parents for a coffee. He has few friends and never invites anyone to his house anyway.

I jokingly suggested to my mum that my brother ought to be cooking xmas dinner for them now- they are late 80s- instead of her cooking it for him and she just laughed and said he wouldn't know how to.

I then made the point that he never asks them round or cooks them a meal. She came up with all the silly excuses you can imagine ( for him) saying he always eats later than they do, or that he has to walk his dog ( big deal) or that he is busy ( looking after himself, no one else.)

I suppose what I am saying is that he doesn't do his bit except in very practical ways, like bits of DIY and gardening, and could do more.

Basically I think he's selfish and inconsiderate as maybe single men are when they get to 49 and never had a relationship or kids.

Would you suggest to him that he ought to invite her round more often and maybe cook something now and then?

It sounds like you want a probably self-centered (who wouldn't be if on their own for life) and rather thoughtless individual to magically transform into a kindly, considerate person, popping round to make DM's boring life more happy.

Phrased like that can you see that it is most unlikely to happen.

Some people become motherly to their aging rellies, others just presume life will go on as it always has, you are the former and your dB the latter. It would be nice if he changed but it aint going to happen and it's unfair to blame him for your mother's lack of social life or friends.

I was completely impartial when I opened this thread - as other people presumably were. But gosh - what a judgemental sister you are. Stick your oar back out and take it from the good people on here who have taken time to read through your rather unpleasant post. You are so very out of order. I feel sorry for your brother who sounds like a nice chap.

So he is doesn't like cooking / entertaining. Well boo bloody hoo for you. It is absolutely none of your business. I feel cross on his behalf that he has this old biddy of a sister poking her beak in.

I have also just noticed the thread title: your 'hopeless' brother??

I don't think it's the vipers who have it in for you. It is you who has it in for your poor brother. OP you come across poorly.

I see what you are saying but you aren't there most of the time and have no idea of what it is like living close to elderly parents. Him being there does take a huge burden off you as others have said.

My Brother decided I was being crap with my Mum this year who isn't well. He hasn't seen her for ages (as in years) so obviously a different situation from you but there was the most spectacular fallout this summer. He took over her care and was a total wreck after 3 months and says he has far more understanding of what things were like for me.

Stay well out of it and look what you can do for your Mum like others suggested , Skype. Or see if there is a local group she could join to get her out meeting people.

I visit him and them quite often and know what's going on in his life

How unfortunate it must be that he has followed an independent course.

As for picking my parents up and inviting them here etc they are almost 90- they don't want to and can't travel so far by car. They refuse to. Okay?

So your parents don't want to visit you, and that's ok.

It's not me that's set in my ways- it's my brother. In all the years he'd lived up the road he's invited my mum for a cuppa about 5 times

Perhaps they don't want to visit your brother either and are quite happy staying in their own place. Old people often talk about stuff they'd like to do (and I'm wondering if they do it because they feel they have to please you) but with little intention of actually doing it.

He won't even pick her up to look at stuff on the web at his place ( they don't have a computer or internet) so she can order it for her

To be fair, I don't know many elderly parents who would want to get involved in such a convoluted rigmarole.

she calls me, I try to describe it and order it for her- clothes, things for the house. It's not just about cooking- even a cup of tea would be welcomed by my mum. I've decided what to do anyway- I'll simply tell him

I think the suggestion of buying your parents a tablet and an internet connection is probably the most sensible comment on this thread. Why not do that and lay off the haranguing and criticising of your brother, who doesn't come across as a badly intentioned person at all.

I'm afraid that I too think you sound a bit hard on your brother. You don't mention any things you do for your dad, perhaps your brother does stuff for him and your mum asks you. \it sounds a bit as if your resent the shopping on line as you think you only do it because he won't even!!!
You also don't know what your parents are complianing about you to your brother about,

If you 'interfere' you will only make a fool of yourself. Family commitments aren't the only ones that your brother may have, he may have friends that he has built his life with who are just as important to him as you dcs are to you. be careful.

You and your brother do and see things differently (gasp), it doesn't make him hopeless , especially when he is helping by gardening and DIY.

If your Dad has always been a miserable bugger then your mothers loneliness is a consequence of her staying in that relationship, it is not the responsibility of your brother to fill the emotional void in her marriage. It sounds like your mother leans on you for emotional support and you expect your brother to share the load but how you conduct your relationship with your mother is your choice, it is all kinds of wrong to expect him to do things your way.

The relationship between your mother and her son is their business, if she tries to involve you with the "It would be nice" line, agree and tell her to ask him and leave it at that.

Your parents are elderly and set in their ways and that can be challenging, especially if you live far away, judging and haranguing your brother will not alleviate your guilt or frustrations.

You classify your familial relationships as close, its hard to judge from what you have written here because you have been solo negative, do you even like you brother? You intervention will not be welcomed and could possibly create a far bigger drama than the one presented.

Stay out of it.