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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Afraid to end the relationship

27 replies

degreesofstrength · 23/12/2013 12:39

I keep trying to end my relationship of 4 years (we have a DC aged 2) but it's like my partner hasn't heard. He is verbally aggressive when confronted with argument or discussion he disagrees with. Usually he then calms down but I have had enough and don't want our DC to grow up learning to please difficult and unreasonable people.
I think I am not firm enough, and the house is both of ours (rented property) and I don't want to leave it and make our child change nursery etc. I want him to move out as he works full time and has family nearby.
Whenever I try to split with him he says that I have to leave and he doesn't see why he should.
I get a frightened sick feeling about ending it and I think that's because it might be a big row and I'm just not up to being shouted at anymore. Also scared physically but I don't know why as he hasn't hit me or said he would before.
Has anyone left an emotionally abusive relationship and can advise me of how to do it?

OP posts:
glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Reindeerfromhell · 23/12/2013 14:23

The op has said that they do not want the DC to grow up under his influence, so is hardly wanting to leave and make her partner the parent with care.Get legal advice. There will be some more wise posters on here soon, I am sure.

Original poster
degreesofstrength · 23/12/2013 14:23

I'm the primary carer glasgowsteven

OP posts:
Original poster
degreesofstrength · 23/12/2013 14:24

Thank you Reindeerfromhell

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/12/2013 14:25

I think you should get out as quickly as you can.
It's not good for your DC to be in this environment, nor you!
Do you have some real life support nearby?
If he won't go then you are going to have to.
So sorry you are in this situation.
If you feel threatened at all though please call 999.
If you need some support then Women's Aid will be able to help and advise you - 0808 2000 247.
For help and advice regarding benefits and child support etc.. contact Citizens advice - If you look them up you can find your local number.
I hope you manage to get away safely and quickly.

CogitoMerrilyOnHigh · 23/12/2013 14:27

(Please ignore 'glasgowsteven' who is posting some really unhelpful misogynistic crap and I will report to MNHQ.)

If your DP is aggressive and won't take you seriously then you're going to have to put your safety top priority. Your fear of his reaction suggests this is an abusive relationship & I would suggest you contact Womens Aid 0808 247 2000 who will be able to give you some good advice and also point you in the direction of legal help.

Please stay safe

CogitoMerrilyOnHigh · 23/12/2013 14:28

0808 2000 247.... that should have been

glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 14:28

I appreciate you are the primary caregiver, but you could say to him

"if you wont leave, I will, and I will leave our child, so will you give up your job"

But as others have been said, if he is not violent or abusive

Also scared physically but I don't know why as he hasn't hit me or said he would before.

then there is not much you can do.

Why should he leave....(serious question not trolling)

Original poster
degreesofstrength · 23/12/2013 14:29

thanks hellsbells I don't have family near to me and could only stay a few days with friends. Have heard about shelters nearby but I hope I can convince him to go rather than have our child live in a bedsit.

OP posts:
glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 14:30

(Please ignore 'glasgowsteven' who is posting some really unhelpful misogynistic crap and I will report to MNHQ.)

Report away....

I was making a fair point, why should he leave, and I stand by that, it is his house also

It is not your house or his, but both of yours

Another poster above agrees with me

If he won't go then you are going to have to.
So sorry you are in this situation.

Is that post reported also?

CogitoMerrilyOnHigh · 23/12/2013 14:30

He should leave because she wants the relationship to end. He is aggressive, verbally abusive and the OP is frightened.

Original poster
degreesofstrength · 23/12/2013 14:34

glasgowsteven I think he should leave because he has family nearby, a full time job to pay for accommodation, and will not be with a child.

By contrast I have nowhere to go and a small child who shouldn't have to leave nursery and home.

It's not a fight to win or lose to me I just want to do the best for my baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
degreesofstrength · 23/12/2013 14:35

and thanks cogito

OP posts:
glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 14:35

He is verbally agressive, at no point does she say he is abusive, but that was be a fair assumption I agree

and my second point, you reported my post as I was misogynistic.

My advice was factual (as was hellsbells) though hers was more helpful.

If he wont leave you will have to.

and if he does, will you be able to afford all the bills.

if he was to dig his heels in, the CSA take weeks/months to take the first payment, especially if he is obtuse

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 23/12/2013 14:35

I think there is a legal order you can get. Not sure though how it works, you may have to prove violence.

You need to speak to your local police domestic violence department and/or women's aid asap, they will be able to let you know what your rights and options are.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/12/2013 14:37

Do you have family further away you could go to?
Maybe just for the holiday period to give yourself some space and time.
I hope you can convince him to leave as well.
From what you post though I'm not hopeful.
It would be much better if you could stay with your DC rather than leave, but from your post I am suggesting you get out if he won't leave for your own sanity and for your DC.
Keep trying though if you feel safe.
But get some advice and support as stated by other posters from Women's Aid. They are busy so keep trying.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 23/12/2013 14:37

Verbal abuse/aggression is abuse. Stonewalling and refusing to discuss issues such as ending the relationship is abusive.

glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 14:37

he hasn't hit me or said he would before

CogitoMerrilyOnHigh · 23/12/2013 14:38

Please contact Womens Aid OP. There is a lot of practical, financial and legal help available for women in abusive relationships who need to get out of them. You want the best for your baby and, as you say, that means not growing up in an atmosphere where Mum is terrified and Dad is a bully.

glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 14:39

Happy to be corrected, but I do not think that

Verbal abuse/aggression is abuse. Stonewalling and refusing to discuss issues such as ending the relationship is abusive is a reason for a legal order to be given to ban someone from their own house, and this would surely not be a police matter unless there were safeguarding issues?

glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 14:41

You want the best for your baby and, as you say, that means not growing up in an atmosphere where Mum is terrified and Dad is a bully

This^

If you need to get out, back to yoru parents, wherever that may be.

I suspect that unless you work also OP, then affording rent/bills and nursery etc will be somewhat of a challenge.

A new start in a new town would be best...

Take your things, aska friend or fmaily m ember for a lift.

christmas day with your child and family in a safe environemtn

Vivacia · 23/12/2013 14:46

I second the advice on gathering information and seeking guidance. It sounds as though you have time and opportunity to plan, so prepare and plan in advice. I always find it helpful to acknowledge I don't have to go immediately to the perfect solution, so gather advice and information on a couple of scenarios, say, A for you leave the house with the children and, B, him leaving. If all of the advice suggests that B is impossible, at least you'll be sure and still have A to fall back on.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 23/12/2013 16:40

I think it is a reason Glasgow. Abuse is abuse and bot all abuse is fist-shaped. I don't know if the law agrees with me, but surely it is in the OP's interest to find out.

glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 16:44

Indeed.

Hopefully she will go to the police and find out where she stands legally.

And equally hopefully he should go to a alwayer and find out what are his rights and responsibilities as far as being a father is.

finanically and emotionally.

Charlie50 · 23/12/2013 22:41

Hello degrees I am sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation myself 10 years ago with a 5 month old baby. Not sure what to advise as I ended up leaving my exP in our flat for 2 months as he initially refused to move out. He left eventually and I moved back in. All good now
but he took a long time to accept that it was over.
Get legal advice and benefits advice. Do you get on with his family or friends? If they are more reasonable than him maybe they can help him come round to the idea that your relationship as partners is over but that he still a dad to your DS just won't be living with him?
Can your family or friends be there for you so you don't feel alone and overly vulnerable?
It was a tough year for me when I left my ex but it was worth it as he was not a good person for me to be with.
Wish I had a magic wand for you.