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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my husband has just told me hes not sure how he feels about me anymore

33 replies

thatlldonicely · 23/12/2013 10:42

please help - i dont know what to do - i feel as though my world is collapsing - i have just been to the drs to get my ADs upped and some sleeping tablets as i have not been sleeping. this all kicked off at the weekend after i questioned him yet again what was going on . He finally admitted he has been feeling this way for the past year and didnt want to admit to it. we have been here before 15 years ago and i was in a bad way. I am supposed to be hosting xmas day for us & his dad after his mum passed away in the summer. he said it is not related to this as he was feeling like this before. I have just spoken to my dad who was supposed to be here today to tell him not to come & he has told me i need to carry on for the kids. i have asked him to go as i cant function with him here but he wont as he says this will ruin the kids xmas. i have just asked him whether anything has changed since we have spoken and he says no. he doesnt want to do anything over xmas but whilst he is here its killing me

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 23/12/2013 10:48

Stumble through. Do your best.

Have you asked him to leave?

Lweji · 23/12/2013 10:50

So sorry. :(

It begs the question if it's due to your depression or your depression is due to his attitude.

How is he generally at home, with you and the children?

What does he propose to do?

You are already on ADs and having counselling?

I'd try and get a plan of action asap from him so that you can know what to count on during Christmas. The uncertainty must be much worse.
If he won't come up with anything, then you make your own plan. Trial break?

Lweji · 23/12/2013 10:52

Also, he must know how he feels if it has been a long time coming. He probably means he doesn't love you anymore, actually.

Are there any signs of an OW?

Leavenheath · 23/12/2013 10:56

I'm sorry too. This is an awful thing to be told and the timing is terrible.

Usually, an affair or someone else is behind a statement like this and that might well have been the case 15 years ago too.

I'd understand it if you chose to keep things stable over Christmas but the best advice in these situations is always to ask him to go.

Meanwhile, if you can find out if there's someone else motivating this change of heart, sometimes uncovering it blows the whole thing open and at that point at least you'll both be on the same page about what's happened.

Original poster
thatlldonicely · 23/12/2013 11:04

hi edith - yes asked him - he wont - says it will ruin kids xmas
lweji - depression was due to a work incident and as a result of me being ill for a long time he wasnt sure how he felt saying i was no longer the person i was- we had counselling at the time which kept us together. i had counselling seperately for the work issues & have been on a low dose AD since then. He is good with the kids & i think they are really theonly reason he hasnt gone - but does nothing around the house and generally i have been feeling he no longer likes me let alone loves me & that i irritate him. This becomes more apparent whenever we are out of the normal routine - holidays etc. whenever i have raised this in the past he has said sorry & will try harder but never really does. this time he actually said yes we need to talk & so i have pushed him to get out of him what i have. he says he doesnt know why he feels like he does but doesnt want to feel like it & has said that couples do get back from this. Trouble is i dont know if i can get back from this - im always looking for some sign that he still cares - i told him he could go to his dads but he doesnt want to burden him with this so i asked him wahere he would go & he said hotel. My dad thinks i should just focus on the kids but i just want to crawl into bed - how do i get through this

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 23/12/2013 11:07

What a bombshell that must have been.

I suspect an affair in this case as well - that "I'm not in love with you" speech is part of the cheater's script.

Is he possessive with his phone, laptop etc? Do you have access to his emails? Has he mentioned a female work colleague?

The best way to burst the affair bubble is to pull the rug from under him and tell him you need space to decide if you want to still be married to someone who does not love you.

Original poster
thatlldonicely · 23/12/2013 11:10

i have asked him if anyone else is involved & he has said no - although jokingly i did say to him last week are you having an affair as he suddenly seemed to be exercising & wanting to buy some new clothes. I asked him if he liked anyone & he said no - im not sure whether i believed him & kept pushing him but he still said no. this is how we started of though both in other relationships - worked together & used to moan about other halfs

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 23/12/2013 11:10

I think you should ask about affair too. Sorry. The 'not liking' thing, irritating them, that's how my ex was.

He is out of order to tell you this before Xmas then demand to stay. If you really want him gone, insist on it. He has shattered your world he should allow you to have it your way.

mammadiggingdeep · 23/12/2013 11:12

X post

I think there's an ow. Agree with above poster. Pull the rug from under him. If he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you he can leave. Xmas or no Xmas.

aaaaaaa · 23/12/2013 11:13

Is he secretive with his phone?

Original poster
thatlldonicely · 23/12/2013 11:19

he is always on his phone so cant really tell dont have access to emails & havent particularly noticed another female being mentioned - but when i was questioning him about this as he has contact with a lot of females & sometimes works away - he did seem a bit defensive & brought up the old "paranoa" thing - trouble is i end up questioning my own sanity & wonder whether i am looking too much into it. Kids were also away last week & rather than spend time with me he chose to be at work later

OP posts:
Original poster
thatlldonicely · 23/12/2013 11:23

he has said he wont go & that he would say to the kids that i have made him go - i said i would say yes i wanted him to go because daddy doesnt love me anymore - he has very "kindly" offered to get my higher dose of ADs for me & has gone off to the office - normally he works from home but actually thinking about it he has lately needed to go to the office more often - should i follow him

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 23/12/2013 11:27

Sad he is showing the classic signs of a cheater - exercising, new clothes, working late, calling you paranoid and being defensive.

I would do some snooping around - phone bills, emails, deleted folders and so on.

If you do not want to snoop, then tell him you deserve to be loved and therefore after his announcement, he needs to give you space to make a decision.

Loss is the only thing that motivate cheaters - please do not try and be the perfect wife as this tactic never works. He is already engaged elsewhere.

MissScatterbrain · 23/12/2013 11:27

*motivates

MissScatterbrain · 23/12/2013 11:28

Bastard - blaming your MH issues (which I have a feeling are connected to being married to an arsehole).

Yes, follow him if you think this will help.

MissScatterbrain · 23/12/2013 11:29

You can't make him leave but you can stop doing all his chores (washing, cooking, food shopping and so on) and insist he moves out of your bedroom.

Floralnomad · 23/12/2013 11:30

How old are the children , could you take them to your dads for Christmas ?

LamaDrama · 23/12/2013 11:30

I also think he is up to something, I went exactly through the same last Xmas,

I found evidence when he went out for a bit.

I would ask him to leave.

MistressDeeCee · 23/12/2013 11:30

I wouldnt follow him. But Id 100% suspect he was having an affair. Whats with these men with their "I dont know how I feel about you any more". Its just a get out clause, a prelude to some other bullshit before they leave. How about him being decisive and TELLING you how he really feels - because, he does know. I agree with mammadiggingdeep. Sod christmas, you're going to be miserable whether he's there or not, so what odds. & lets face it, he didnt give a shit about dropping this bombshell on you and ruining your christmas, did he? Why does it always have to be the woman 'putting a face on' for family/DCs? He needs to get out and then he will "know how he feels". I mean, what does he expect to happen? He will tell you exactly how he feels in his own sweet time, never mind how this is affecting you? He is unkind to dangle you like this. He needs to go away, to be honest. If he is truly for you then things will work out and you'll be back together. If not, then thats the way of it. But a man who can look his wife in the face, tell her he doesnt know how he feels about her, is unkind. Truth is always best. You may get that if he's not around you for a few days. Hope all works out.

mammadiggingdeep · 23/12/2013 11:32

No! Don't follow him.

To be honest, he is telling you he's checked out of the marriage. He's told you he isn't sure about you. You feel as if he doesn't like you. He is avoiding spending time with you.

The ow is almost irrelevant (not being flippant there). This is about how HE is making YOU feel. You look for signs that he still cares...he is making you doubt yourself. He isn't making you happy or feel good about yourself.

You deserve somebody who loves you and would fight to be with you.

AttackOfTheKillerMonsterSnowGo · 23/12/2013 11:34

Has he actually gone to a hotel? If so I'd be wanting to know which one and 'turning up' to see what's going on. Sounds like classic cheating signs to me, sorry OP.

mammadiggingdeep · 23/12/2013 11:34

Yes, I agree...maybe go to your dads for Xmas. Take the food, the pressies, the kids and go elsewhere xx

AttackOfTheKillerMonsterSnowGo · 23/12/2013 11:34

And agree with others who say you deserve better. He is making you feel worthless, and no one deserves to feel like that.

ElloGuvnor · 23/12/2013 11:45

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's horrible of him to expect you to carry on as if nothing has been said.

InTheRedCorner · 23/12/2013 11:48

He is a selfish shit head to do this now.