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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Upset my friend anout 30 mins ago and dont know what to do in 45 mins when we pick kids up!

35 replies

Bart · 21/07/2006 12:35

She has been saying/doing little things for a while that have been pi*ng me off. They came to a head last night at a girly meal out when I heard her discussing a medical prob I have. I had a gentle (I thought)word today on the phone.

I asked her not to chat about my "secrets" plus I threw in a few "jokes" she`d been having at my expense that were wearing a bit thin and asked her to stop.

I thought shed take them on the chin. Initially she did and appologised but then burst into tears and put the phone down on me. I drove round to hers, she said it was OK but the body lang says otherwise.

What shall I do now? Due to spend afternoon together at end of school gathering.

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 21/07/2006 12:36

Just say that you're sorry if you upset her, but you hope she'll think in future.

Bananaknickers · 21/07/2006 12:38

tell her that you don't want to fall out over it but seeing as you value her friendship you needed to speak to her and let her know how you are feeling

Twiglett · 21/07/2006 12:38

hunker smart

Dior · 21/07/2006 12:38

Message withdrawn

Bananaknickers · 21/07/2006 12:38

perhaps she is just so upset that she has hurt you without knowing

eefs · 21/07/2006 12:41

she is making you feel bad for something she has done?
She's playing the victim - agree with hunker. And don't feel bad yourself about it, you were being perfectly reasonable.

Original poster

Bart · 21/07/2006 12:44

Did most of that when I drove round there. Thanks all for the reassurance though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bart · 21/07/2006 12:45

Also thought I may try to act like normal and leave the subject alone now unless it becomes obvious there is a real problem. OK plan?

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 21/07/2006 12:51

Very good plan. Good of you to confront her about it, and privately.

Original poster

Bart · 21/07/2006 12:55

Thanks NQC. Part of me wishes Id said nothing but the rest of me knows Id have bitten back publicly soon.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/07/2006 12:57

Sounds like a good plan.

Original poster

Bart · 21/07/2006 13:06

I`m off now. Hope it goes well.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bart · 21/07/2006 15:56

It didn`t. Never said a word to me except on a few occasions when I directly spoke to her.Even moved away from me at school gate. Quite sad now, little one just finished reception and now this.

OP posts:

cupcakes · 21/07/2006 16:00

sorry to hear that. I would have been surprised if it had gone well though. She's still smarting. Give it time. Don't go chasing her.

Original poster

Bart · 21/07/2006 16:01

So I shouldn`t call her then?

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 21/07/2006 17:35

Hmm, tough.

Did she seem sorry, when you were speaking, before? Did she seem to understand what she'd done wrong?

I would absolutely not call her or hassle her. Give her a few days to figure out how she feels.

Original poster

Bart · 21/07/2006 18:52

Yes and No to the sorry bit. The initial bit of the call went well - good humoured and appology forthcoming. It was just when I mentioned the jokes at my expence that her tears came and I feel the mood changed.

Im a bit doormattish normally. You know the sort of thing, path of least resistance and all that. I think its a suprise for me to pull anyone up about stuff.
I think the few days thing may be my best plan.

I think she was telling a mutual friend about it at the party but we dont have to see each other now till later this week when we`re due to take the kids on a day trip together.

I invited her round for coffee as I left the party but she declined.

Feel a little tearful but then I was getting that way anyway because of the stuff Ive asked her to stop doing. One of those cant win either way situations.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 21/07/2006 19:13

Better for you to be clear about it than to let it bother you, and not say anything.

Although, it's often best to complain about one thing at a time, soon after the one thing, iyswim. That way, the other person doesn't think the problem has been festering, iyswim.

Had you been making jokes at her expense, too?

Do give it a few days and see where things are.

Original poster

Bart · 21/07/2006 20:12

I don't really do jokes like that so no. Her two were at my Dh weight (she had taken to inflating her cheeks and holding her clothes out when she spoke about him).He is a little overweigh but thats all. The other joke is about my mobile phone (or lack of one) I lost mine and haven`t got round to replacing it. The age of my mising one and how out of vogue it is not to carry a mobile have been the focus of jokes for WEEKS!.As I said both are wearing a bit thin.

The two "secret" issues are a medical problem that makes me pee frequently (damage done when DS2 born) and my feelings for the Y1 teacher at our school. She gave DS1 a rotten year and Im dreading DS2 going into Y1 come September. I dont really want all comers to know of my feelings as it may get back to the teacher concerned.

I take your point about doing one thing at a time. I felt to get it all over with might be better rather than a dripping tap of complaints. Who knows.

Anyway the weekend is here and I`m busy on Mon/Tue. Our day out is Thur unless she cancells it.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 21/07/2006 20:25

Oh dear, those sound unpleasant! I don't think I would tolerate those sorts of jokes at all. Do all her friends like these sorts of "jokes"?

FrannyandZooey · 21/07/2006 20:28

God she sounds horrendous

Original poster

Bart · 21/07/2006 20:30

She said she didnt know she did that when speaking about DH. The phone jokes she said she thought were funny and the two secret issues she said she hadnt reolised they were important to me.
Dont misunderstand me, this is a nice person I am typing about. Some people just are a little more outrageous than others dont you find.
I would be sad if this damaged our friendship but I had had enough of these 4 issues.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 21/07/2006 20:32

Tell us why you want to be friends with someone who makes jokes at your/your dh's expense and is horrendously indiscreet? Also there appears to be little/no respect for you or your privacy.....

bosscat · 21/07/2006 20:34

she sounds horrible to be frank. you just don't make jokes about your friends husband being fat. its just not funny. I wouldn't dream of doing that. think she is probably embarrassed and in self defence mode. give her a few days and she'll see sense. don't blame you at all for telling her how you feel.

my very close friend was an absolute witch to me when i had ds2 and was evil to me because she said I didn't call her enough when ds2 was born. I was really tired, new baby, ds1 had chicken pox and she wasn't top of my agenda frankly. I was livid with her and just left her alone. After about 3 days there was a message on my phone saying how sorry she was for being a witch she was having a really bad week etc. I have never mentionned it since and it was just forgotten.

Carmenere · 21/07/2006 20:35

FFS why does she think it is funny to take the piss out of your child, how would she feel if you did the same about hers? the mobile thing just sounds infantile and the indiscretion very thoughtless. I would give her a wide berth for a few weeks and dont feel guilty about it.

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