Is there such a thing as a good sexless marriage?

[sm54]

Hi, sorry, this is my first post. I joined just to write this, as I've been wrestling with it for ages. Sorry if there are any rules or etiquette that I mess up on!

Anyway, a bit of background. I'm a career woman, been married 11 years to a lovely man who also has a good career - we both work in financial services, for our sins. We got together when we were 22, we're now both 37. When we started, unsurprisingly, there was lots of sex and it was fairly adventurous, but for years now it's been completely sexless. Well, not completely - but we're talking months and months between occasions.

My libido has never been through the roof, but it used to be OK. But even in our late 20s, the sex was dropping off a bit, and he eventually stopped asking. We did manage to conceive twice, so it wasn't entirely over, but since the children were born it's got less and less and less and less, and now it seems like it's pretty much completely stopped. (They're 5 and 7 now.) It used to be that he'd initiate and I wouldn't want to maybe half the time. (We never had sex more than 2-3 times a week after the first few months.)

Now it's always me initiating, albeit very rarely, and he never wants to. I'm as certain as I can be that he doesn't fancy me any more. I do fancy him, but I don't get that growl of lust that my friends seem to experience, I don't ever crave sex the way other people seem to. I want to have sex with him for the closeness and intimacy, and I do fancy him, but he always wanted it more adventurous than me, and I think he got bored. And when I put on weight after the kids, I think the boredom combined with finding me less attractive, and he just stopped thinking of me sexually.

To be honest, I feel like I could survive without sex if it was just up to me, but I worry about him. He was always quite driven, and wanted quite a lot of quite exciting sex. There are some things I don't like which he probably regards as very tame so maybe I'm just boring, but still, he always wanted it and now he doesn't. He doesn't ever try, and rejects me if I do. I'm worried about where all that sexual energy he used to have has gone to, and if it has gone, can our marriage survive? I love him, he's kind and funny and sweet and a fabulous dad, but physical intimacy seems to be over for us. It seems a bit too soon for that!

Is there any way a sexless marriage can be a good marriage?

Have you actually asked him? It all depends on how he actually feels about it?

Hi. My opinion for what it's worth is this. No, I do not think a sexless marriage at your age is sustainable. You and your husband are far too young. It's completely normal for a woman's libido to drop after having children. Do NOT blame yourself for this. Our bodies change and it's easy to lose confidence. Overwhelming tiredness is another factor. Can I ask you if your husband is under a lot of pressure at work

Sorry, should've said. We agreed recently to stop trying. We agreed that it was causing a lot of angst and he suggested that it would be easier to park it.

Can this ever work?

Re pressure at work, yes we both are. He routinely works 60 hour weeks. I'm part time but quite senior in my company, so plenty of pressure to go around!

A 60 hour week is a long week, and with your high pressure job I'm sure you are both very tired. However you don't have young babies or toddlers anymore so everything should be feeling a little easier now.

It really does feel easier, everything feels ok. Just... no sex. He doesn't want to, or wants to even less than I do.

Yes, in my opinion it can. In my experience it's not forever, and just part of the troughs and peaks of a relationship. I think it's important to just keep talking about it, which goes for everything sex-related in my opinion.
I think "just stop trying" wouldn't work for me. It sounds too pessimistic.

It can seem like a relief when you feel you have reached an agreement. I truly hope that you are both genuinely happy with this and it will be a short phase. I have been in this situation and felt the same lack of tension when sex was off the table. My husband is also kind , funny and a great father but please beware there are many ways of being unfaithful nowadays . Many years ago a friend of mine said that men who aren't having sex at home are getting it somewhere else. I thought it was a crass, judgemental thing to say and also I rather stupidly thought that that did not apply to a couple like us ie a couple with a special bond. I have found out recently that my husband has been amusing himself with webcam girls. I'm not suggesting for one moment that this is happening to you and I hope with all my heart that nothing else is going on . I'm just saying beware.

I'm pretty sure he suggested we just park it because it hurt a lot to discuss it - hurt us both. It's not really because anything's resolved.

He's lovely. But maybe we're just not right. Aren't couples supposed to want each other?

We've stuck together through illness and the demands of three children and long work hours and stresses. Sometimes all at the same time. During those times we've wanted practical support, cuddles throughout the night, advice... sometimes we've wanted sex and sometimes we haven't. For months, not weeks. But we've always wanted to be together, holding hands and making each other laugh. That's what I want in as part of a couple.

I think you need to decide if you're just looking for reassurance that your decision is an ok decision, or if your concerns go deeper.

Of course you can have a good marriage without sex. There is far more to a marriage than sex.

Of course the sticking point comes if both partners aren't happy without sex and what happens as a result. It could me that this can cause discord. It could be self pleasure is enough, maybe porn, maybe paid services of prostitutes, maybe fuck buddies or open relationship.

Whatever the answer is, is can work if both have fully and openly discussed it and agree to and stick to the boundaries of that marriage, even if it's different to what other couples would deem as acceptable.

It can work if both are not particularly bothered about sex, but if one of the partners does want sex then it's not sustainable IME.

As said upthread, at your ages OP I'd be surprised if both of you are permanently not interested in sex.

Yes joysmum I agree. Everything's fine if both people have talked and agreed on boundaries and limits. Sex however can be a difficult thing for people to discuss. A man who is decent in most areas of his life may feel bad about saying how important sex is to him and may feel bad about putting pressure on his wife.

Maybe its more common that we think or maybe its just not natural to want sex with the same person for years? Marriage used to be about supporting children, property rights and forging family alliances, romantic marriage is a fairly modern idea. Only 3-5% of all mammals are monogamous suggesting that monogamy may be desirable for all sorts of reasons mostly relating to security not desire.

I have a completely sexless relationship with the father of my children. He is my best friend and he is my family. We seldom sit in the same room let alone hold hands but he is supportive and kind. I think this situation will continue unless either one finds someone else. I don't think its normal to have no sex drive but fairly normal for it to wane over a long relationship.

FlossieG47, this is what I'm worried about, tbh. He's a very decent person but I can't believe his formerly VERY high drive has just up and left. We've always struggled to discuss sex openly, and were always rubbish at asking each other for things in bed. I think that stems from an episode really early on when he mentioned how much he likes oral sex, and I've always struggled with giving it thanks to a very pushy and unpleasant ex. He loves giving it, and I felt pressured to return the favour (even though he tried really hard not to pressure me). But I just can't. I just can't. He's never pestered me for it, but it's come up (no pun intended) a few times and I've tried, but I was pretty half hearted and I think he knew I wanted to stop, so it didn't carry on.

Also, I find it very difficult to climax, not just through sex but at all. I think he's always found that very upsetting, like it reflects badly on him or something, but it's not him. It's just not something that happens for me, generally. As it happens, he's the only man who has ever made me come, but it's only happened twice. I don't even orgasm by myself. Anyway, god I've overshared. I think those things bothered him a lot, and made him feel crap, so he just stopped trying, and now he's out of the habit of thinking of me sexually. And I just don't want sex enough to break the habit, it's not like I'm rampant for him and can turn it around overnight by constant seduction.

God I've never articulated any of this. Welling up now. Sorry, this is all a bit TMI.

Worried people will assume I was some blushing virgin or something when I met him now! Or had some kind of sheltered life. I didn't, he was the eleventh man I slept with and my third "relationship" relationship. I did USED to have a sex drive, honest!

yep, works for us, I've never had much of a sex drive & dh was always the one doing the asking but now a combination of my lack of desire & his medical condition means it just never happens.
We tried about 6 months ago but wasn't hugely successful.
However we are still very close in lots of ways, still enjoy cuddling up on the sofa, a kiss & a grope when passing in the kitchen, enjoy each others company, love each other & want to grow old together
We have been married 20+ years & the last 5 or 6 yrs have been pretty much sexless.

No you have not over shared at all. I feel so sad listening to you because this is obviously causing you a lot of pain and I wish I could give you a big hug. Do remember that people like different things and if you don't enjoy giving oral sex then that is just something that you don't like- nothing to feel guilty or inadequate about at all. There are lots of other things to enjoy together and maybe you could explain this to your husband. To make you feel better, here is some over sharing- I really enjoy giving oral sex but it hasn't helped me!!!

There is another thread where lots of mumsnetters are saying they have been together years & years and still find each other attractive & have lots of sex.

I personally think it's normal for the sex to wane when you have been with the same partner for a long time. I would imagine a lack of sex is a major contributory factor in many divorces. I know of very few couples who are in long happy marriages.

To answer your question op, I don't think it's possible at your ages.

flossie, thank you for being so kind. I should stress that he's been very unpushy on the oral thing. It's just that I know he wants it, even if he won't say.

We're v similar without the excuse of long working weeks. I know that doesn't help, but you're not alone.

Thank you, Claire. It's good to know we're not completely alone.

Sm54 can I suggest that you really talk to your husband about this. I mean perhaps tell him you want to put time aside for a very important talk. It might be embarrassing to talk about maybe a glass of wine or 2 may help! But trust me- it will not go away, it will just go underground and fester badly. I cannot believe the conversations I have had to have with my husband in the last 3 weeks- I never thought I would be able to do it but things went so far that the only way was total honesty. Trust me, it has been so cathartic. My heart is broken at the moment but at least I have completely bared my soul. You have no idea how good that can feel even when you are struggling to get through every day. Men are very good at compartmentalising- I have had to scream and shout to make my husband understand that he has been unfaithful to me. He felt that he had his own private life that I would never have to know about. If he enjoys giving oral sex but you done then so what? Marriage is all about compromise!!!

Yes, it's all fine OP. Our marriage was a bit like this up until July when I suddenly hit my mid-life crisis, aged 40. I once told DH (my partner of 20 years) that I wouldn't mind if I never had sex again. He said he hoped that wasn't always going to be true and he tailed off asking me. It never caused rows, so he was always my "one" and I never became emotionally distant to him, so have always loved him.

Anyway, at the age of 40, this summer, my sex drive came back with a vengeance. He turns me down more than I him now and we fuck almost every night. I had had almost exactly the same orgasm absence as you, until I bought myself a decent sex toy for my clit and a book by Betty Dodson (Sex for One), the "Godmother" of the female orgasm. Now, I even come during sex, although it's a different orgasm and less intense than the ones I give myself. Treat yourself to a toy and practice bringing yourself off first.
See, don't worry about over sharing OP, I have gone one worse than you . I have posted about my "reawakening" under the name "Mumsex" once, but keep it all to a minimum because I don't want to entice hairy hander truckers, or for people to think that I am one. I don't mind laying it bare to help once in a while and have certainly had more than one PM asking for more details.

DH said he always wanted to be with me and that he always knew I'd come back to him in that way. He also said that he might have gone elsewhere for very discreet sex if he thought a sexless marriage was always going to be his life in the future. It didn't hurt to hear that and I don't know why. I never suspect him and never have, and he said he'd never want to leave . There you go; a dissection of my marriage, go figure.