Is there such a thing as a good sexless marriage?

[sm54]

Hi, sorry, this is my first post. I joined just to write this, as I've been wrestling with it for ages. Sorry if there are any rules or etiquette that I mess up on!

Anyway, a bit of background. I'm a career woman, been married 11 years to a lovely man who also has a good career - we both work in financial services, for our sins. We got together when we were 22, we're now both 37. When we started, unsurprisingly, there was lots of sex and it was fairly adventurous, but for years now it's been completely sexless. Well, not completely - but we're talking months and months between occasions.

My libido has never been through the roof, but it used to be OK. But even in our late 20s, the sex was dropping off a bit, and he eventually stopped asking. We did manage to conceive twice, so it wasn't entirely over, but since the children were born it's got less and less and less and less, and now it seems like it's pretty much completely stopped. (They're 5 and 7 now.) It used to be that he'd initiate and I wouldn't want to maybe half the time. (We never had sex more than 2-3 times a week after the first few months.)

Now it's always me initiating, albeit very rarely, and he never wants to. I'm as certain as I can be that he doesn't fancy me any more. I do fancy him, but I don't get that growl of lust that my friends seem to experience, I don't ever crave sex the way other people seem to. I want to have sex with him for the closeness and intimacy, and I do fancy him, but he always wanted it more adventurous than me, and I think he got bored. And when I put on weight after the kids, I think the boredom combined with finding me less attractive, and he just stopped thinking of me sexually.

To be honest, I feel like I could survive without sex if it was just up to me, but I worry about him. He was always quite driven, and wanted quite a lot of quite exciting sex. There are some things I don't like which he probably regards as very tame so maybe I'm just boring, but still, he always wanted it and now he doesn't. He doesn't ever try, and rejects me if I do. I'm worried about where all that sexual energy he used to have has gone to, and if it has gone, can our marriage survive? I love him, he's kind and funny and sweet and a fabulous dad, but physical intimacy seems to be over for us. It seems a bit too soon for that!

Is there any way a sexless marriage can be a good marriage?

Sounds like your husband isn't that bothered by lack of sex, maybe a fairly low libido?
I'm mid 70s now and my wife is late 50s. She never craved (as you put it) for sex with me, never wanted me that way, hardly ever interested, it was always just me.
She didn't mean to, but her almost never wanting me as a lover has hurt me more than words can tell. Yet she genuinely seems to love me. A different kind of love or what? Maybe too spiritual for me. We have a happy marriage otherwise and get on really well together.
One good thing about knowing your partner wants and needs you for sex sometimes is that it makes you feel good about yourself. I never got to feel like that. It must be nice to be flattered and feel truly wanted that way.
But I must stop thinking about all this and regretting all the wonderful sex I missed out on.
I'm still struggling to forget the whole thing now and just get on with the rest of my life, with her, and with my interests.
I'd hate to live again and the same thing happen; and there are other completely different, but very serious things in my life that I regret. It's gloomy but comforting to think that in 50 years (and a lot less!) none of this will matter a jot any more. Just as if none of it had ever happened.

OP - if you can live happily together as the closest and best of friends and the lack of being lovers and enjoying sex to the full doesn't eat into you (or him) over the years, then you'll be fine A happy sexless marriage is probably quite possible. But maybe that would never have been on your original list of hopes and ambitions for the future?

Just to add: if your OH is missing out and being almost completely deprived of sex with his wife (which maybe is not the case at all) he'll probably cheat in some shape or form or other, at some point or other in time. Not unless he's quite a saint... Just my opinion.
Also, you say he wants oral. He might cheat about that one day.
I'd have been the happiest man on earth if my wife had ever done that for me! Or even done it by hand only. But I didn't ever get any of that kind of thing. Not at any point in time. It would be lovely to have been given such intimate attention! It's all these regrets and memories that I struggle to forget and move on and away from. I'll have to force myself. It's so unproductive.

Poor turkeys. Surely oral sex is not the deal breaker. If there is intimacy and love, it would take some class of bastard to cheat just because his partner dislikes giving oral sex

I'm 35 and my partner doesn't have a libido. I'm wondering if its sustainable to be honest. However all other things are ok but to me it is fairly central to a marriage. I'm just not sure if its worth breaking a family up over. There's quite a bit of simmering resentment underneath I think. I'd need to accept our relationship is "different".

I think there's "ideal" if you were entering a relationship, and then there's dealing with the relationship you are actually in. I think there's enough good to outweigh the lack of sex, but I think its a fine line. He's investigating lack of testosterone so its something we will keep coming too.

I'd be tempted to talk it out with relate or similar.... but when do you fit it in?!

No. Sorry, I don't think so.

What SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull said. Sex won't magically happen, and, like anything else, benefits from a bit of education and practice.

Also, have you ever thought about counselling re. the pushy ex? That must have been a long time ago but is still affecting you negatively.

Haven't read all the posts...

but....

it depends if you want the same thing.

2 low libidos can work- but not if one of you wants sex more often.

I know of a couple ( good friends) who have not have sex for 12 years, because frankly they were always rowing and one partner withheld sex out of anger and resentment.
Been married twice that long. Not long ago one of them had an affair ( won't say which for risk of outing them).

This was as much for emotional closeness as the actual sex.

You need to talk to your DH but if he's not interested in sex or discussing it then I'd say the marriage is in its dog days.

DH and I haven't had sex in about 2 years. He's had a very tough time emotionally, losing both his parents in quick succession. In addition he has health issues and the medication he is on ruins his libido - when he does have one, he's usually either too exhausted or in too much pain to do anything about it. I would like more sex, but it isn't that big a deal to me either. We've been together as a couple for over 20 years, have come very close to breaking up over other things and we aren't about to let the strong, loving relationship we have come to an end over something that isn't that important to either of us.

Lack of sex is slowly killing my marriage, I've been knocked back so many times over the past few years by my wife that I've given up initiaiting anything. She has huge insecurities about her body, and claims to always be tired. I don't know if I believe it anymore really.

I really think for many people once the sex goes the love goes too. Although I suspect in my marriage it was the other way round. Shame really, because I still love her with all my heart and soul.

Having said that, I'm just one sample out of a much bigger population so there's every likleyhood I'm talking bollocks!