If you don't get on with your sibling(s) - why not?

[Mintyy]

That is my question, pure and simple. Just interested.

I have 4 siblings, and one of them is a headache to me where the others are not.

It is just very much on my mind, being Christmas and all.

I'm one of four as well; my sister hasn't spoken to me other than brief words for apearance' sake at family events for over 12 years. I upset her idea of how things should be, rocked the boat unforgiveably evidently.

As to why: I think if it hadn't happened then she would have found another reason to cut me off; I think she just couldn't stand me but tolerated me as long as I fitted in with her idea of how I should behave.

Sorry not making much sense but I struggle to analyse it really.

I still feel upset when I dwell on it, especially the fact that five cousins now have no relationship either, but I have to say that I don't miss that stressed feeling when the phone rings, or the stepping on eggshells in case she kicks off - or the being expected to take being treated like shit lying down.

I don't know. I've never really known. When we were children and there were loads of people round because my parents were having a party, my sister took all the girls into her room, and wouldn't let me in. When I was about 20 and back home from uni for the hols, we were in the pub, and she was drunk and said, "He [male friend of both of us] is my brother, but you are not my sister!" in front of everyone.

My cousin asked me last year why we don't get on (I dunno - cousin hears more from her than I do, so she's more likely to know.) A friend asked me last week. I don't know. I have never known. It does bother me, I don't like it, I've never liked it, not when we were children, not now we're around 40, but I have accepted it as much as I can, because it's not going to change, as far as I can tell.

We are still in touch by occasional email. I've sent her a Christmas present. I won't get anything back. I don't care if she doesn't spend money on me, but sometimes it would be nice to know she thinks of me.

I don't know if anyone asks her why we don't speak much. It does sometimes feel like I'm expected to sort it because I'm the oldest, but she might get asked about it as much as I do. I wonder what she tells them, if so.

One of 5. Get on with all of them but one is an abdute pain in the arse. Has her moments with everybody. Has always been 'the difficult one'- mum and dad had a very hard time when she was little. Age was very, very demanding. Still is- her poor husband!

I had about 7 months of not talking to her when I was in my 20s but is never let that happen again. That's how she gets away with it because we all love her and won't let ourselves fall out with her. Dreading Xmas visit at her house. Think she's narcissistic.

• she was...

I don't get on with one of my younger brothers. We're just very different people, really. There are 6 years between us which meant we weren't close as children; plus we always had different interests and personalities and that's followed us into adult life where we now also have completely oppositional values, lifestyles, and political ideologies. I find these make him rather unlikeable, to be honest.

We see each other perhaps once a year, at Christmas, and might exchange pleasantries. Nothing deeper than that. We're related but no more interested in each other than if we were colleagues or distant acquaintances. I know my mum wishes we were closer and in recent years we've made some more effort to give each other a present at Christmas as a gesture - maybe our relationship will progress further in the future, although I'm doubtful.

Comtesse- interesting what you say about different lifestyles. My sister and I have very different lives. She is very materialistic, likes to associate herself with successful, 'cool', wealthy people and I just can't get it. I have very different values and I think it's one of the main reasons we don't gel. We 're essentially too different.

Interesting thread - I hope you don't mind if a lurk a bit.

DS2(9) and DS3(5) cannot stand each other. Never have done. Now, obviously they are young and things might change, but I am not so sure...

My DFather was just on the phone - he had phoned his sister to say Merry Christmas as she is going away for the holiday and ended up in a great big fight with her over things that happened 50+ years ago. They have never got on - they are now 80 and 75 . He feels obliged to stay in touch with her; I am quite sure I would not bother.

My DB and I don't have much in common and live in different countries from each other but get on fine.
'Tis strange, this whole sibling thing, isn't it?

It's very strange indeed. Although she drives me insane and I'm wary of getting too close to her- she is actually still one of the top 5 people I'd go to in a crisis. In fact, I did this year. Went through horrendous break up with ex dp and dc's father. She was very good and looked after me. Told me I could go and live with her and h at any point if necessary etc.

My brother is a racist, ignorant, narrow minded bigot. He has married an equally vile woman. I have gone no contact (except when we're in the same room at family events, we are civil in these situations) for the last few years.

My sister is arrogant, self absorbed and entitled. She needs to feel superior to everyone else in some way (she likes to be smarter than anyone else, and usually is - she has a genius level IQ) in order to feel comfortable. She needs to point out her superiority as well, it's not enough for her to simply feel superior. This makes her difficult to spend time with as you are constantly defending yourself - your thoughts, ideas, opinions, appearance... everything about yourself.

Why are they like this? My mother is a narcissist, my father is an enabler, my (younger) brother is the golden child and I was the main scapegoat - when I left home and moved to the other side of the world at 19yo, my sister (youngest child) then became the main scapegoat. My brother attacked her verbally and physically on many occasions but my parents did nothing about it. I only found out years later. I believe my sister's behaviour now is a result of becoming the scapegoat after I left.

I will always feel guilty that I left and didn't protect her (my brother was beyond help by the age of about 12) - although I couldn't have known she would become the scapegoat in my absence, and my brother's behaviour escalated significantly after I left, which I also didn't anticipate/know until years later. So to be fair I don't blame myself but I still wish things could be different IYSWIM.

I'm very envious of people with "normal" (whatever normal is!) loving families - I hope one day to create a loving family unit of my own if/when I have children.

Seriously, don't get me started.....

Once I start my sibling rant I find it hard to stop.

I don't know why it bothers me that someone who is such a horrible person doesn't like me. It shouldn't bother me at all but it does. .

I have nothing in common with my brother apart from some shared relatives, memories and DNA. We don't see life the same way, disagree on every major and minor ethical issue I know of and generally dislike each other.

Partly due to badly managed sibling rivalry that is now habit (and strongly fostered still by our mother) but mainly just because we don't like each other!

And he is a bad parent. I have few worse insults. His worst opinion of me (so mother tells me) is I haven't enough ambition.

I was really close to my brother until he married his cowbag of a wife 5 years ago. Not seen him or my only niece for two and a half years now. She just lives in a fantasy world full of her own bullshit and has sucked my lovely brother in with her. They've not seen my parents for over two years at all.

Its strange having gone for being part of a close family to an only child. I don't like it.

Because they are arseholes, quite simply.

I'm the oldest of 10. 5 sisters and 4 brothers.

3 sisters belong to the bio.dad. We got on til the bio dad got bored of playing grandad.

I have a brother who I don't really see. He plays the doting uncle should we meet up at family things but he doesn't give a shit about anyone but his self.

I have toddler siblings who I am really close to but that could change when they grow up I guess. I hope not.

Um...it's better than it was with my sister, but even then, not especially close.

We were raised differently. My sister was spoiled a lot as a child, and I was her big sister. She has more in common with my parents than I do so that's probably why.

We view our childhood differently. I remember a lot of chaos and dysfunction and hatebit, whereas she thinks all families are like that and I'm too idealistic.

We approach life differently. I worked for things I wanted and took a lot of crap, but am happy with the end result. My sister is waiting for someone to knock on the door and say, "Here's a golden opportunity."

I'm not even sugarcoating. She's admitted as much to me.

She loves my DD so we've bonded over that. But that's where it ends.

I have 2 brothers and a sister, 7, 10, 11 years older than me. I get on ok with my older brother but only see him 3 times a year due to the distance. I have nothing to do with my sister really, apart from when she comments on Facebook statuses. We just don't have anything in common really. I used to go and stay with her when I was younger and she had moved out but we have drifted apart.

I have had no contact with my younger brother for the last 6 years, mainly due to him being a convicted rapist and for abandoning his DS because he wanted to go out partying. My younger 2 DC don't know that they have another uncle or an aunty on my side. It isn't kept from them as such it just that they are very rarely mentioned.

I really feel for my DDad actually. My older brother is my DDads DSS and he makes loads of effort to spend time with our parents whereas my other brother and sister are his biological DC but they hardly make any effort to have a relationship with him unless they are after money.

Interesting stories here and some huge similarities. I'm one of 3 and there is a my cousin whose parents died before she reached 18, so is very much part of our family, and who appreciates us all far more than my sister does.

I don't see my sister who lives approx a mile away, purely because I decided to stop doing all the running and told her it's her turn to come to my house. I've been "waiting" 7 years

Put quite simply she's a self-centred egotistical narcissist. (ouch) Very materialistic and controlling. Absolutely the opposite of dbro, me and cuz.
Interesting that her own two children are now nowhere to be seen, one at the other side of the country and the other halfway round the world. when they were children she'd never let them out of her sight, and refused to let them spend more than a few minutes with grandparents, even then it was with her there. My children have had the complete opposite, with lots of quality time with gps.

She was jealous from the moment I was born apparently. 12 year age gap, so she had a lot to "lose" - so she said. She hasn't spoken to our parents for ten years. She's crackers imho. Great relief that she threw a tantrum and disappeared out of our lives tbh

I get on with 2 siblings. the other is quite frankly a complete Arsehole. She is the oldest and a complete drama llama and constantly tries to start fights, arguments etc.

my life has been so calm since I cut her out. il never speak to her again.

I get on well with my sister but not my brother. He gives me a headache.

Both are over a decade older than I am but my brother is a very different kind of person. He can't seem to survive without a woman,bounces between homes and has terrible finances to the point where he's sofa surfing sometimes or in a flat for a mere two or three weeks but moves all within the same city. His troubles give me a headache because nothing is ever sorted. He holds down his job but not the rest of his life and after twenty odd years of hearing about it I'm a bit fed up.

I do not talk to my brother since he spent our childhood hitting me in the face and mocking my 'posh' accent then later had a society wedding at which I and dc were treated like crap.

I was given - without my permission - the role of scapegoat. So there's no mileage in that. Absolutely no point having a relationship with them. It's taken me years of therapy to recognise that I'm real, not a psychological device. For a long time I felt compelled to 'keep the peace' but when I realised it wasn't my peace I was keeping, I bunked off and left them to it.

I am 1 of 4 ,my brothers and I get on really well but I cannot bear my sister,she is an alcoholic who uses people and situations to her own end she is selfish and in denial about her drinking.
Her daughters were raised by her ex so she went and had a second family ,she drank all the way through being pregnant and sadly the children have additional needs,I 'm not blaming the sn on the alcohol but it couldn't have helped.
I know it sounds cruel but I don't answer the phone ,she is always drunk and it upsets me.

Some of your stories are really sad. So sorry.

What comes through (no surprise) is that no contact is less damaging than persisting with a horrible relationship that shows no signs of changing over and over again.