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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you don't get on with your sibling(s) - why not?

46 replies

Mintyy · 21/12/2013 22:33

That is my question, pure and simple. Just interested.

I have 4 siblings, and one of them is a headache to me where the others are not.

It is just very much on my mind, being Christmas and all.

OP posts:

TheNumberfaker · 22/12/2013 08:06

Eldest sister committed suicide at 18.

Next sister has lesrning difficulties, has had anorexia, lots of OCD and is absolutely paranoid about anyone other than our mother knowing anything about her life. Even just the simplest 'How are you, what've you been up to? ' results in accusations that I prying and trying to boss her around.

Younger sister is very volatile and argumentative. It's her way or the highway! We can manage a few hours together but after that it's arguments galore. She is very image and label conscious and has been 'rinsing' a 70 yr old for thousands. DH and I feel like she's behaving like an escort girl. Yuk.

Only brother is a convicted sex offender and beggar. I have nothing to do with him.

ThomasLynn · 22/12/2013 08:27

DBro and I have a weird relationship. We don't really have much in common, but if one of us needs a hand, the other will be there.
I'm a bit guarded around him when it comes to money- he's got a beer budget but hookers-and-blow style tastes and will quite happily con/beg/borrow permanently cash from any available source to finance this.

He's a pain. He drives a stupid car. He looks like an extra from The Only Way is Essex. I have pink hair and day-glow skin and would prefer to play minecraft all night than go out drinking. We argue about most things.
If he needs me (actually needs me, not just my wallet) I'll be there and vice versa.

gemdrop84 · 22/12/2013 08:30

Not close to either of my sisters now. I decided to take a backseat re contact because I was always the one contacting them, starting conversations. Since then, at the end of Jan when I had ds, I have had about 2 texts off both of them. One was to ask if mum could borrow so money and the other was to tell me mum was on her way to our house. Fed up with the whole situation. We were at a family event last month, I was sat next to my youngest sister and she didn't speak to me...once. I so upset by it all and hurt. Today we are going to drop off some presents and I know mum will try to engage conversation between us. I think Im going to have to start a thread about it all as it's really getting to me

Damnautocorrect · 22/12/2013 08:38

Nope not close with my sister, see her twice a year maybe? She never replies to texts, emails or calls.
We grew up best friends she met her dp and I was massively dumped, I was 14.
She does get in touch when she needs something though.

HairyGrotter · 22/12/2013 08:39

I'm the youngest of 4, one brother and two sisters. I get on with them all, to a degree. I've always been considered the 'black sheep' of the lot as I speak up and take little shite. My brother called me a dick recently because I dared to question my mother about her behaviour. One of my sisters decided to involve herself in it all, she is a manipulative swine which many don't see, but I do and smirk. My other sister I adore but find her difficult to be around too much but she's a typical middle child, she's very kind but annoying ha.

I can well imagine what they'd write about me, but my life is pretty sorted which I think they find a bit bitter tasting

ThurlHoHoHow · 22/12/2013 08:40

We're just not close. Never have been, a 4 year age difference meant we were never at the same stage in life. Just don't really have anything in common. He's now raising his family very differently to how I am and he and SIL disapprove of our choices (such as working ). They're distancing themselves from our family with no obvious reason why. Fine, their choice - but I can't be bothered any more. Not much of a huge loss to me.

purrforamincepie · 22/12/2013 09:08

See this thread is why I am so worried about having more than one child. There's enough unhappiness out there.

My sister and I don't get on. I only realised when I had my own daughter seven months ago that it wasn't actually that simple. I realised my mother doesn't like me as a person and had serious issues with me as a baby (my elder sister was a perfect baby, I was Lucifer I was 2 months early. She actually recently said 'you were so stubborn that you were going to survive ' made me go cold) and I suddenly had this mental Hitchcock zoom and everything completely changed. My sister had major problems with me for years and really looked down on me and despised me until I got into a supportive, loving relationship, got married and had my DD. Now she's nice as pie and I think shocked to her core.

I can understand why my sibling despised me, it was learned behaviour. I do not understand when siblings vehemently do not get on yet they come from a loving, stable home. I know people are different but... It seems more than that.

TheArmadillo · 22/12/2013 09:18

Abusive family. We were brought up as rivals. She turned into my mother.

NC with any of them. I used to feel bad because she was clearly very depressed, but she did stuff to my ds I can't forgive and I am not responsible for her. She is an adult and as such makes a choice to have the life she has and the situation she is in. Plus she thinks I am the problem and she can't stand me.

PacificDingbat · 22/12/2013 09:33

I think there is a world of a difference between 'we don't have much in common' or 'we don't see each other more than once or twice a year' and actively disliking or feeling disliked by a sibling.

I also don't think that just because children grow up as siblings in the same family they will necessarily be close. And yet - there has been one or two posters who said they were not close but would be there in a crisis. I know my brother would move heaven and earth to help me if the chips were down and I am hoping that my DSs will at least have that from each other when they are grown up.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 22/12/2013 09:34

Youngest of 3.

Basically typical middle class miserable childhood. DF was a bully and academic snob. Oldest DB was the intellectual one. Middle DB never fitted in at home or at school. He scraped into university on clearing onto a course he didnt really want to do. Bullied at school, bullied at home then bullied at university.

Middle DB was desperate for DF's approval, still is (which will never come as DF died 20 years ago).

Neither of us were ever really good enough for DF. Oldest DB was an intellectual so golden child in DF's eyes. Middle DB and I just never measured up by comparison. DB was not intellectual enough and I was a girl.

Middle DB and I have nothing much to do with each other - not even Christmas Cards. DM wants us to be happy families but too much water has gone under that bridge.

roses2 · 22/12/2013 09:41

Me and younger bro and dad are nc with older bro because he is a dick.

Mum talks to him so she can see her granddaughters every 2 months. She's the only one he sends a birthday card to and calls.

roughtyping · 22/12/2013 09:42

Neither of them like me (my mum doesn't either). They probably have a million reasons - I'd believe all of them, too. It's genuinely uncomfortable being in a room with them. Especially the youngest - she can barely look at me. I come away feeling like a piece of shit.

Heyho. :(

roughtyping · 22/12/2013 09:43

They love DS, but like to say things about me to him (he's ten) and then he feels he has to defend me, then they'll say they're just teasing, I need to learn to take a joke etc.

headinhands · 22/12/2013 09:51

I get on with all them but one of then I find very difficult if I am honest. She just has the habit of saying stuff that, although couched in concern, is really horrible. I automatically tense up when I am around her and feel stressed after spending time with her. I love them all dearly but actively enjoy seeing the others but this sister just irritates me. It's probably a mixture of birth order and personalities.

I think she is largely oblivious that I (and other siblings) feel like this and we don't treat her any differently to the others, the few times I've tried to tackle it it's not gone well and I just feel more frustrated so I use auto pilot as I just can't see how the dynamics will change after so many years.

springysofa · 22/12/2013 10:54

roughtyping, please get your boy away from these poisonous people. Please! They could well capitalise on a potential rebellious teen phase and alienate him from you - they have certainly prepared the ground.

RedWineAndCheese · 22/12/2013 11:16

Eldest of three. Very, very little contact with either of them. Neither are capable of any sort of healthy relationship or interaction.

I am practically NC to protect both me and my children from that kind of damage. The children send a card on birthdays and will phone at Christmas. That's it.

If people ask me if I have siblings I either say very firmly, "not that I have any contact with" and immediately change the subject, or I will lie and say "no".

Tbh I'd I never see either of them again, that would be superb. When my remaining parent dies (in many years!!), I doubt I'll have any contact.

Branleuse · 22/12/2013 11:20

because hes been an arse to me far too many times. has serious issues, has always been jealous of me, bullied me as a child. I just got fed up of walking on egg shells around him

Saying that, I do wish him well, and feel much more affection for him from a distance. I cannot be bothered to keep trying to have a relationship with him though

lljkk · 22/12/2013 11:32

DC are love-hate with each other, intense rivalry over most things.

I am youngest of 3, older brothers have history of crime, addiction and pedophilia. But before all that, when we were kids, they were simply mean and selfish. I have some contact with one, but very arm's length. Other one is institutionalised, anyway.

purrforamincepie · 22/12/2013 11:43

Roughtyping, that's terrible. Your poor DS and poor you. I'm scared that will happen to me with my DD. She's only 7 months old. I'm not sure if I should go NC now or give them the benefit of the doubt (why would I do this? Why am I already doing this?!) and live to regret it.

roughtyping · 22/12/2013 11:52

We have cut contact hugely. Try to have DH there whenever possible as they don't say stuff in front of him as much. A lot of it is control as I had DS at a young age and lived with them til he was about 2. I was upset writing that earlier but ok now, comes and goes. My mum was moaning at me because she wanted to say something while I was talking to DS - how dare I ignore her etc - and I laughed because I thought I AM AN ADULT, there's nothin you can do... Which enraged her further.

We are miles better than we were this time last year. DS knows, sadly, how my mum and sisters talk to me, and always defends me which I hate. We've reduced contact to about once a week where possible - hard as my mum helps with childcare, but DS only has a year left at primary...

It'll be fine. We had a big family event this year and it just rammed home how selfish they can be - but I know they think the same of me as I'm stubborn and won't do everything they tell me an don't want to spend every waking minute with them..!

springysofa · 22/12/2013 13:08

does he see them on his own? if so, what are they saying to him
It is very, very damaging for him to hear anyone putting you down, especially consistently.

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