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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want a man

38 replies

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 21:39

3.5 years single and i dont want to be. Apart from exp (two relationships with him with a 3 year gap in between) i have only ever had brief dating relationships lasting a couple of months max.

So how do i do it? Obviously im giving out some sort of 'back the fuck off' vibe so need to change that for something more welcoming. How do i do that?

Taking better care of my appearance will help, pull the bobble out of my hair and put on more than just mascara.

Clothes- i'm a cleaner so dont tend to wear very good clothes as i have learned the hard way that they get lovely bleach patterns on them but when i'm not working i can make more of an effort to look less like i just jumped off a horse (leggings, brown boots, regatta jacket)

Getting out more- day to day no problem- i do need to get out more during the day apart from work but i dont get out for things like drinks at nights. Does that matter? Are local pubs the place to meet people?

Hobby- pass- i dont have any and dont see how i can take up anything that involves me getting out of the house without dcs or that doesnt cost money i dont have.

Any other suggestion? What do nice men like that would inspire them to talk to a woman?

OP posts:

BitOfFunWithSanta · 21/12/2013 21:41

I dunno, I think you'd be quite a hit with with a lot of fellas if you only wear mascara

Original poster

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 21:46

Ah but are they nice fellas?

OP posts:

Preciousbane · 21/12/2013 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 22:18

Ok so looks to gain their attention and then i'm going to have to very quickly develop a personality! Eek!

OP posts:

Montane50 · 21/12/2013 22:22

personally when i split from exh i made a conscious decision to never go on the pull in pubs (i live in a small place and it had a whiff of everyone elses cast offs?), after a year of having a blast i went online. I met a numpty for a month, a really ugly short arse for an hour (i couldnt wait to get out of there!), and my DP 8 months ago. Whenever i see him ive made a bit of an effort, but thats activity depending-we went camping in the summer and he saw me drenched in sweat whilst hill walking. First impressions are important and so is making an effort, but its not 24/7.

flatbellyfella · 21/12/2013 22:27

One day you will be "in the right place, at the right time" & it will happen, you will see a sparkle in his eye,that will awaken a passion deep inside. After that, hopefuly, you won't wake up, finding it was all a dream. Good luck in your quest.

Original poster

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 22:28

I swore of relationships after exp too- i just wanted no pressure so i had a bit of a fling for a few months with a friend and a couple of dates with a few other men, i tried online dating and had a few dates through that but noothing past date 1 with any of them. And the majority of people i met online were just not interesting.

OP posts:

rpitchfo · 21/12/2013 22:29

How often do you meet new men doing what you are doing at the moment?

Original poster

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 22:30

Thank you flatbelly- i used to believe that but i think im realising now that i need to put in more effort to make that possible if that makes sense. No-one's going to knock on my door and declare their love for me

OP posts:

Original poster

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 22:32

How often? The last man i dated was in july but i had known him for 18 months before that. Before that was over 2 years ago and just a holiday fling. And before that was. 2 month fling with really old friend and that was 3 years ago.

OP posts:

flatbellyfella · 21/12/2013 22:34

There is nothing better than a nice expensive perfume to get a mans attention

Original poster

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 22:36

Oooh! Perfume! Good idea- i never wear perfume any more. I used to wear it every day.

OP posts:

rpitchfo · 21/12/2013 22:39

I mean how often do you come into contact with men who you could potentially ask out.

Original poster

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 22:48

Oh, well that's kind of hard to know. I live in a small town so know a lot of the faces already. I do weekly shopping and make a few in between trips to local shops. In work i rarely see the clients and if i do it's the woman partner i speak with. I see other parents at school pick up but all the men seem involved. I really dont get out much at all.

OP posts:

redundantandbitter · 21/12/2013 22:49

Sillybilly can you let me know if you find out how i can get ANYONE inteterested? In the past 20 years I've had 3 'expressions of interest' . Was with DDs father for 17 yrs til last yr. 1) was drunken snog with work colleague in 1997, 2) was bloke from college 25 yrs ago, came with a preconceived adoration of me. Started a 4 yr affair , then full on relationship and he's just left me heartbroken, 3) random married bloke at work who heard me talking about my gorgeous Exp and started sexting me. Urgh

Ahem - that's it , in 20 yrs. I'm 43 and really not in that bad nick. Work in two male dominated environments and am smiley, chatty, wear nice perfume and I muck about like they do etc. I've got brothers so i can execute a good chinese burn and generally get along nicely.

so WTF am I doing /not doing . Apart from not wearing mascara .....

Original poster

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 22:50

Well i would stop doing chinese burns on them for starters but beyone that i have no clue

OP posts:

MadeMan · 21/12/2013 23:32

@Redundant If you work in male environment, could it be that they just see you as one of the lads?

redundantandbitter · 21/12/2013 23:48

mademan maybe, but I am slim and blonde and a mum. I am more 'responsible' than a lot of them and quite helpful and chatty . What I'm trying to say is that I'm quite different, not blimey , but still get along with them and their crap jokes and innuendos.

I always end up gravitating towards the gay men and enjoy their friendship .

It's just that a total of drunken snog, unrequited love and randy married sexter doesn't look promising does it. Not one of them was the 'normal' way to approach a woman. Worrying

redundantandbitter · 21/12/2013 23:49

blokey not blimey . Doh

flatbellyfella · 22/12/2013 00:11

Men like women to be & act feminine ,if that makes sense , not laddish or tarty. IYSWIM. Dresses & skirts are very attractive ,not loads of make up or fake tan.

MadeMan · 22/12/2013 00:33

I think it reads better as blimey, Redundant.

CookieDoughKid · 22/12/2013 00:42

Totally agree with flat belly. I'm generalising here but in my experience, men like women to be very feminine. Including long hair, nicely done up with makeup .. Like you put the effort in to look after yourself. Which means to them, you're a good catch and would make nice babies. I think men are far more simplistic than women.

Original poster

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/12/2013 00:50

Well that stands to reason and i think women (well i know i do) like a man to put a bit of effort in and look after himself.

Having had a good think this evening about where i was 5 years ago (not short of male interest) and where i am now, i have really let things slide in the appearance department. I used to wear make up every day, well groomed hair, nails and eyebrows, wore a professional work suit and heels (cant remember the last time i wore heels) perfume etc.

Circumstances are different now and money is nowhere near the same level but i can improve things a good bit and maybe that will kick start my confidence and get me giving out that approachable vibe.

OP posts:

Leavenheath · 22/12/2013 01:30

I'd swerve any bloke who likes women to look feminine and made-up because I've yet to meet one who wasn't either a rampant misogynist or a sexist.

It's completely different though to say that most people are attracted to those who are clean and nice-smelling who dress and groom themselves in a way that makes them seem comfortable in their own skin and which highlights their best features.

But some of the best relationships come from situations that don't rely on the 'shop window' attractiveness that's associated with clubs, pubs and Online Dating. Activities or places where a joint enterprise or interest gets you talking first and the attraction then springs from the whole package. In my dating days, some of my best relationships were with men who I wouldn't have looked at twice across the dancefloor, but who became much more physically attractive once they'd made me laugh, or made me admire them for their intelligence or passion about something.

So we're back to hobbies or interest groups or a change of job where you've got more chance of working with men.

HOMEQCRICH · 22/12/2013 09:18

Hi op! I am a cleaner and I always dress smartly for cleaning. I don't mean heels and lbd usually some leggings with a nice dress boots and when I get to my jobs I pop on an old (bleached) sweater over the top. Do you work for yourself? I do and in the last two years have actually built a good business out of my cleaning and now work for a few estate agents. This has given me so much confidence which I think shows in my demeanour. Like you I am also a single parent. . One of my regular cleans is an office where 40 engineers are based and I was invited to their Christmas party (I couldn't go ) but I just wanted to demonstrate that feeling confident in my work life has led to new avenues opening up.
I haven't always felt like this I spent 9 years with an abusive twat (childrens dad) who I had murder extricating myself from. He ground me down sp badly I had very little self esteem and no ambition. I am still single, I have huge debts life isn't easy but I feel positive and it shows.
Good luck!

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