my mum died and I don't know how to feel

[hadtonamechage]

My DB came around this morning in tears because he had a call from the hospital saying that she had died. It looks like she killed herself.

The thing is she was a horrid woman she was pretty rubbish whilst we were growing up. She was really racist to my DH and my DSSs and she hated it when I married him, because she thought I married beneath me. I gave her a chance earlier in the year to be a part of our family again and she was horrid to my DCs and to me and I cut her out.
My DB has similar experiences of her being awful to his wife and so he had cut her out too.

However DB now feels bad because we left her alone at Christmas and even though she was hateful he feels responsible for her death.
But I don't really feel much of anything. I feel bad that she had to do that but I don't regret my decision.
I had to explain to my DSSs that my mum had died (because they saw DB upset) and they were so sweet and loving and it made even more confident that I was right to cut her out.

My friend came round an hour ago and I told her what had happened and that I wasn't sure how to feel about it and she was horrified with me because she was my mum and I should be upset and I kind of am but I haven't cried about it and I am not sad that she died alone.

I guess just don't know, it doesn't feel real that she is gone because I haven't seen her for months.

Sorry posted too soon
So does anyone have any wise words or experience to offer?

So many mixed feelings. Sorry you lost your mother. I don't know how to support but this is very,very difficult. Xxxx

Sorry for your loss.

Your friend had no right to tell you how should feel. Only you know how you feel. Perhaps you are grieving for the mother you wanted her to be.

I suppose I am Bunbaker I do wish she had been a better GM to my DCs.

I think it's totally understandable that you have mixed feelings. You're not a horrible person. I guess that your friend must be lucky enough to have a great relationship with her parents and hence it is totally alien to her that somebody might feel ambivalent towards theirs.

I'm sure it's not your DB's, or your fault that she died - it's poignant because it happened at Christmas, but really, if somebody wants to commit suicide they would do it when they are alone, so I don't think that the time of year would have factored much into the decision. And, you know, it's not like you had much choice but to leave her alone at Christmas, really, if she was being so awful when you were around her.

I hope that she has found peace now, perhaps you can take some comfort from that. It sounds like she was not in a very happy or peaceful place for a very long time when she was here.

Let yourself feel what you feel, don't let anyone else dictate your grief or otherwise. Death doesn't change who she was and how she behaved. It shouldn't have to change how you feel. You can be sad, you can be happy or you can be anything in between (and you probably will be) Listen to your body and go with it.

Wishing you and your brother well, I hope you can support each other.

Nobody has a right to tell you how you should feel.
I've been nc with my mother for 8 years. I have no idea how I will feel if anything should happen in the future.

At the moment you are in shock and it will probably be a process to work through how you feel.

Hug your Dc close and be kind to yourself, you are not responsible.

Sorry for your loss.

My dad died a few months ago, he was EA and I had a poor relationship with him.

I grieved not only for the loss of a parent, but also for the loss of the dad I would have liked to have had. We never repaired our relationship before we died and I ha ambiguous feelings, despite extensive therapy on my part.

Has your friend ever lost a parent? Does she have a good relationship with her parents? She sounds like a dick who doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. How dare she try and put guilt on you, on top of all the other things you must be feeling right now.

I dumped some of my oldest friends because of their cuntish behaviour when my dad died. This gave me space in my life for new friends who don't behave like dickheads. Life is short, and losing a parent helps to make you aware of this like nothing else.

I hope your DP is being supportive? You may find that losing your mum helps to strengthen your relationship as it brings you closer together at this difficult time. You may also wish to consider talking to friends who have also lost parents, hopefully hearing their experiences can be supportive for yourself at this difficult time.

Expect some of them to not get it tho - like my friend who said "oh it must be easier for you than it was for me, as you didn't like your dad did you?!" Er, ok then. This
wasn't one of friends I dumped btw. This was one of my more supportive friends. One of the unexpected difficult things I found was dealing with people's reactions to it. As they didn't know what to say to me and some ignored me, etc. It was hurtful and I could do without dealing with other's shit at this time, but ho hum.

Sorry this has to happen to you at this time of year. I don't know if you celebrate Christmas, but even if you don't, seeing all these images of perfect families around in advertising etc must add an extra layer of difficulty.

Good luck to you and your family

there is a shock to death that you often dont experience until months later.

you are allowed to grieve and you are allowed to be angry.

I was very angry. there are supposed to be 7 stages of grief - i stopped at anger and never really got to acceptance!!

i am sorry for your loss. be strong in your beliefs.

I always think, would i let a stranger treat me that way... the answer is no, actually i wouldn't

Would you let a collegue treat you like shit, call your husband and children names?
no
i am sorry for your loss. be strong in your beliefs and the ddecisions you made. She made her own decisions and had to live with the consequences.

xxx

It's no-ones business how you feel. I was relieved when mum died after she had had extreme mental health issues, & it was a relief she was no longer suffering. Funnily enough, 3 years down the line I feel sorry for her. She enjoyed nothing in her life (and this was before the mental problems), nothing was ever good enough, posh enough, I wasn't smart enough etc. She never went anywhere, or tried anything new. It was just such an empty life. I have never told anyone this, and you are "meant to love your mum", but sometimes what you love is the idea of a mum, and maybe a Wlatons style happy family. Take your time over things, and good luck.

I am sorry for your loss.

It is true that we all react differently to such news. I was just sort of numb when my mum died as I had to help dad and felt I needed to be strong for him, I didn't grieve for my mum until dad died the following year as he was terminally ill for a while.
My sister was totally different to me, and it is true, there is no right or wrong way to feel.
For some people it hits them like a bolt during the funeral service.
Give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself.
Good luck.

When my mother died I was the opposite, extremely upset an I couldn't understand why as she had been cold, critical and judgmental to me my entire life - almost as if she hated me - but not with my siblings. I had no relationship with her and she was just as detached with my DCs.

It took me a while to figure out I wasn't grieving for her, but the lost chance of ever having a loving mother. I'd still been clinging on to a wisp of hope until she died . Since then I feel nothing but relief that there is no one to dissapointing, and my relationship with my siblings is so close.

If you feel no grief, it's probably because you have already (sensibly) giving up on her. Or you may still be numb. Either way be kind to yourself, it's not your fault.

Sorry for your loss op
Maybe the stately homes thread may help, there may be someone on there that understands.

Although i have no idea what you are feeling, others must realise that you would have still loved her regardless of her lack of love for you xx

Only you know how you feel, tell your 'friend' to leave you alone. Loss of a parent is the weirdest thing and we don't have to do it like they do on the telly or in films.
It's complicated, like all loss and while eventually you may see a pattern to the stages you go through at the time you are in the middle of all sorts of emotions and if the background was complex then the stuff you process may be complex too.
If you are feeling emotions that are hard to process then talk to Cruise who may offer some guidance or the Samaritans who will just listen.
Look after yourself and enjoy those nearest to you.

When I found out my Dad died I shed not one tear...I was concerned myself it wasn't right but did accept I had long since grieved for the father I never had.

Grief is a strange thing though...you may feel upset angry in a few hours, days , months or never.. The fact it looks like she killed herself makes natural grief even harder..

For me my Dad dying closed a chapter of a book and meant I could move on with life knowing I didn''t have to wonder if it could ever be resolved.

What you are feeling is right for you right now..For some people who have not had a toxic relationship with their parents, losing a parent is and not been devastated is impossible to imagine.

I had mixed feeling when my dad died, it's completely natural. I hadn't spoken to him for over a year and hadn't seen him for three years. I cried, but it was due to a combination of anger (I would never get the apology/ acknowledgement I wanted), relief (I'd no longer have the worry of him letting me down again) and being upset, at the manner he died (a heart attack, alone in the street on his way to work)

Nobody can tell you how you should feel. Take care of yourself and be prepared to feel all sorts of different emotions at time passes.

I think perhaps you grieved for your mother whilst she was still alive? With that I mean that perhaps you have already done so much grieving for the relationship you never had that for the time being there are no tears left.

You feel what you feel, there is no coulda woulda shoulda.
Perhaps you will feel grief or sadness, anger or even relief in the days and weeks to come. All will be well, and your feelings or lack thereof are yours and you have a right to them.
I am sorry for your loss- not just the sad death of your mother but for being a rather terrible mum whilst she was alive. I have one of those mothers too- and it is a heartache like no other.
You should be proud that you have grown to be a loving mother and stepmother despite not having anyone to show you how.

Look after yourself x

Thank you for responding
I have a lovely DH who has been on the phone to me all day. He is on his last day of work before Xmas and he wanted to come home but I said he should stay because we still need the money.

My friend has not lost a parent and she has a good relationship with them so I suppose she just doesn't understand.

We do celebrate Christmas here and if anything it just makes me angry, it feels like she has had the last laugh, she has stolen the excitement of Christmas and wreaked it for me and my DB like she used to do when we were growing up.

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

Completely agree with what Bertie has said upthread.

People expect to feel a certain way when something happens, but it often doesn't work how we expected it to as we aren't machines and can't be programmed.

Like PP has said you weren't to know this would happen and even so you couldn't have had her with you at Christmas if she was going to be a toxic influence on your children. It was a tough choice to make but the right one, especially if she wasn't a great influence on you when you were a child.

I expect you probably will be upset - as another poster above has said moreso for the mother figure you never had. Anger because she didn't provide you with that close bond that you have seen others have and only wish you could have done.

Provide that for your own children and be kind to yourself as you have done nothing wrong here.

In my experience people who behave in such ways are never happy within themselves so perhaps she knew how toxic she was and knew she couldn't change and just couldn't handle how things are anymore. It was her decision to make, but it doesn't make it any less upsetting.

I haven't spoken to my father for over 15 years now. I feel like I've already done my grieving for the idea of a father that I lost a long time ago and I cannot imagine being anything other than relieved when he goes.

So sorry for your loss Op. Please don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling right now.

I agree with back2two. It's ok to not know how you feel yet.
Don't let anyone tell you how you 'should' feel, or how you 'should' grieve.
What I will say though, is that it is quite normal to feel numb/nothing for the first few days after a bereavement even if you had a very good relationship with the deceased and their death was expected.
Be kind to yourself.

Sorry for your loss and even more sorry that you will never have the kind, loving mother you deserve. So glad that despite all that you have a loving and lovely family around you.

In my book that means you must be a brave, resilient and beautiful person to have risen above the toxicity and not only survived, but flourished.

I hope you can acknowledge the sadness, then perhaps put it aside for a little while and still enjoy Christmas with your strong and loving family.

Then, in the NY maybe see your GP about some counselling to process these very complex and conflicting emotions?

I wish you well. We had a suicide in our family a few years ago and it is a very difficult grief to process.

Oh, and don't let anyone tell you how to feel. How very rude.

I didn't have a close relationship with my father, mostly because his only committed relationship was to whisky. I was upset when he died, but the tears were for the relationship I never had with a loving father - mine could never have been this. I was envious of the closeness that some of my friends felt for their parents (although I never voiced this). No-one can tell you how to feel.

I lost my mother last month, and my relationship with her was very different. She was a long way from perfect (also being an alcoholic), but there was still love there and I miss her terribly.

Your friend is only thinking of her own relationships and how she would feel. I suppose if you have good relationships with both parents, it must be hard to imagine the other side. That said, I think she's an idiot for not keeping her thoughts to herself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Whatever you feel and however you react, is perfectly normal and natural for you. Be kind to yourself.

I'm v glad to hear your DH is being supportive, namechange. Is he normally helpful round the house? However helpful he normally is, would it be possible for him to "pick up the slack" and do some of the jobs you usually do with house and childcare so you can have some space for yourself? Drop all non-essential tasks as you will only have so much capacity to look after yourself. You may find you need some time to get more sleep than usual, go out, or just spend time with your family. If you have a religion many people find it most helpful at these times. Or alternatively you might like to consider meditation to get some head space.

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your DB. Do you find it helpful to spend time together at this difficult time. Or maybe you need time alone. Whatever you want to do, is ok. It's also ok to feel whatever you want to feel, be that anger, sadness, guilt or numbness. Don't add an extra layer of responsibility on yourself to try and make yourself feel something you think that you ought to feel.

What practical arrangements have been made or need to be made? Has the funeral been arranged etc? Do your children know their nan/grandma has died? Are there other family members who need to be told? Do your work know and have they been supportive?

I'm so sorry to hear it was likely to be suicide. This is outside of my experience so I can't offer you any advice there, but have you considered therapy (if this is something you can afford)?

What a horrible thing to happen to you at christmas. Not that it wouldn't be horrible any other time of year. Another friend's dad died last Christmas and she said she is dreading Christmas this year. I hope that you find a way though this with the minimum possible suffering.