my mum died and I don't know how to feel

[hadtonamechage]

My DB came around this morning in tears because he had a call from the hospital saying that she had died. It looks like she killed herself.

The thing is she was a horrid woman she was pretty rubbish whilst we were growing up. She was really racist to my DH and my DSSs and she hated it when I married him, because she thought I married beneath me. I gave her a chance earlier in the year to be a part of our family again and she was horrid to my DCs and to me and I cut her out.
My DB has similar experiences of her being awful to his wife and so he had cut her out too.

However DB now feels bad because we left her alone at Christmas and even though she was hateful he feels responsible for her death.
But I don't really feel much of anything. I feel bad that she had to do that but I don't regret my decision.
I had to explain to my DSSs that my mum had died (because they saw DB upset) and they were so sweet and loving and it made even more confident that I was right to cut her out.

My friend came round an hour ago and I told her what had happened and that I wasn't sure how to feel about it and she was horrified with me because she was my mum and I should be upset and I kind of am but I haven't cried about it and I am not sad that she died alone.

I guess just don't know, it doesn't feel real that she is gone because I haven't seen her for months.

Also there might be specialist helplines you could call with regards to bereavement so you could talk to somebody if that would help - maybe another poster might know some specific helplines but you could try the samaritans, cruse, or saneline (who support people with mental illness and their families).

ime, it could take years to work out what you feel. I had a fraught relationship with my mother and I admit I felt relieved when she died. Not happy of course, but relieved that the tensions between us were over.

Took about 6 yrs before I felt sadness.

Give yourself some time, it is still all so recent, but definitely don't be expecting to feel a certain way...or be told to feel a certain way. You might find you'll go through a whole host of emotions soon, so brace yourself just in case. I lost my mum 2 months ago, unexpectedly. We had had a very awkward, strained relationship for years, didn't speak much and even though I knew she was struggling with certain issues, I just couldn't bring myself to build a relationship with her and often wondered how I'd feel when she died. Since it happened I've felt crushing guilt, regret, relief, heartbreak, emptiness, anger, bitterness and everything in between. It was also sometimes difficult to cope with other peoples reactions to her death, as I almost felt like a bit of a fault because we didn't have the usual mum/daughter relationship, so I shouldn't feel any grief. But mostly I've just felt utter sadness at what could have, and should have been. Your mum was cold, and unbelievably nasty to you and your family, and you were right to distance yourself. You sound like a pretty sorted, emotionally stable person to me, with a really good support network around you. Take strength from that and take each day as it comes.

DH is off work now till January so he will be able to do more childcare and he is already down for present delivery duty.
I have told my DSSs that my mum has died and that I might be sad they remember her but obviously they never had any sort of relationship with her. My DCs are too young to really remember her as they have only met her a couple of times anyway.
I don't know about the funeral me and DB are going to meet up tomorrow and talk about it all.

I didn't have a close relationship with my father, mostly because his only committed relationship was to whisky. I was upset when he died, but the tears were for the relationship I never had with a loving father - mine could never have been this. I was envious of the closeness that some of my friends felt for their parents (although I never voiced this). No-one can tell you how to feel.

I understand this completely and could have written it myself.

Losing a parent who was deeply flawed and a crap parent is a weird feeling. You just don't know how to feel. I think the pain comes from grieving for the thing you never had, rather than from the actual loss of the parent. Although I went through stages of feeling more bereaved when my father was alive and useless than when he actually died, if that makes sense. By the time he died I'd come to terms with how he was, and all that he had done (or rather not done) and it was almost a relief to not have to think about it any more, and wonder when/if he'd make contact. I felt nothing really, when I heard that he was dead. I did all my mourning for him while he was still alive.

Sorry for your loss, and sorry that you never had the mother you deserved.

I lost my dad this morning too, and have mixed feelings about it all. He had mental health problems most of his life and I didn't have a close relationship with him. I spent many years feeling guilty over this, like I should've tried, but it wasn't like he was contacting us and we were ignoring him.

It's good to read this thread as all my friends have great close relationships with both of their parents, and I just don't talk about things with them as I feel guilty about it all.

Be kind to yourself and ignore people who aren't supportive.

I am definitely grieving for the father I never had, and for the life he never had himself.

sasquatch sorry for your loss
I also feel a bit better reading this thread knowing that I am not the only one with a rubbish parental relationship.

we're pretty well born pre-programmed to love our parents but that love, which is nearly unconditional, still has its limits.

We grieve for what could have been and what we wanted, but it's normal to feel nothing of hot grief if someone has driven you away by nastiness steadily and consistently over many years.

Love can be killed.

All that's left is regret until even that fades. Your friend, coming from a loving family, can't possible be able to understand it and it seems shocking for someone from such a different world of experience.

Also as people say, it takes time for things to sink in. You might find yourself thinking about it and maybe getting surges of emotion from time to time. But if the relationship was that empty then it may be more thinking it over than feeling.

Again, that's normal.