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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Xmas completely alone or with toxic family

46 replies

theYonigayinthevillage · 21/12/2013 14:19

Didn't want to hijack the other threads about similar things, so...

My childhood was horrible, but the people responsible like to pretend it wasn't. I still have contact with them, they're nice as long as I pretend there is no problem.
And now it's xmas...I feel really depressed. It's family celebration time and I haven't got a family of my own (no dp, no dc's) - I really wish I had.

Spending the day alone or with my toxic family both seem painful, but if I go to the family gathering on xmas day, it feels like xmas actually happened this year and there won't be the drama that will absolutely happen if they find out that I don't want to go. So I've decided to go but not stay very long.

I don't know...wanted to vent, and to know if someone has some wise words perhaps? Like how to go there and not break down, and not sit and cry at home rest of the time.

OP posts:
carovioletfizz · 21/12/2013 14:28

You poor thing. That's a tough situation for you to be in.

You don't have to spend the day alone, if you don't want to. Neither do you have to spend it with your family, if you don't want to. Would you consider volunteering at a shelter near to you? I know people who have done this, and have found it incredibly rewarding. Perhaps you could pop your head in to your family for an hour or so, safe in the knowledge you don't have to spend the day with them, and then go and do something that makes you feel good, and helps other people.

Do they live far from you? Would you have to spend the night if you went?

If you choose not to go to your family and spend the day yourself, make sure you really spoil yourself. Get some lovely food, dvds, treat yourself with some really nice things. Go out for a lovely walk. Remember you are not the only person spending Christmas alone, and you are doing it from choice. There are lots of people out there who will be spending it with their families and having a crappy time, so don't torture yourself that everyone is having a wonderful time apart from you - they aren't!

xx

tribpot · 21/12/2013 14:31

It all sounds a bit shit. You have my sympathies.

For next Christmas, could you plan something fabulous, like a holiday abroad? So you've got something great to look forward to, and it's all a done deal before you can be expected to have committed to spending the day with them.

Personally I would feign illness on Christmas day - something like D&V so they won't want you around infecting everyone else. Snuggle up in bed, watch some great movies and just have a really lovely, ordinary day.

Do you have any close friends who might invite you if they knew your situation? I was surprised to discover someone I know very well has had a major falling out with his parents and doesn't see them any more. It was less obvious when he was still with his partner as they always went to her parents for Christmas. I've invited him here for the day but he says he prefers to stay at home on his own.

qazxc · 21/12/2013 14:34

I have spent some of my happiest christmases alone, far better to sit around in your pijamas eating fancy food in front of telly than being around stress and toxic people.

pumpkinsweetie · 21/12/2013 14:39

I wouldn't go, they don't deserve your company and i'm sure you will be much happier at home with a nice film etc?

Have a look at the stately homes thread (found in relationships) there is some really nice people there that may be able to guide you in what to do as they have experienced similar uprbringings x

MarianForrester · 21/12/2013 14:39

Feigning illness is top idea to avoid any stressful confrontation.

Lay in supplies of all your favourite things, food, drink, books, papers, magazines, and relax and enjoy yourself.

Make a plan to go for a walk or a cycle or the like, so you can feel you have Done Something, then indulge for the rest of the day.

purrforamincepie · 21/12/2013 14:47

Oh no op, don't go. If you're not getting drama over your attendance you will still be dancing to someone else's tune, don't do it :( wake up poorly (fake) on Christmas Day, oh sorry toxic crapbag rellies but I'm gonna have to stay home, I have the plague, yes I'm perfectly sure and I don't like your insinuation, why would I have any reason to avoid spending time with you? Well then. I'm off back to bed, cheerio.

Then what you do is, you have a wonderful soak in the bath (if that's your cup of tea - I love em) then you put on the most insanely comfortable pjs you own, and you grab a blanket and you hit the sofa. Good planning in advance would ensure you have a bucket with ice (or bags of frozen peas) and your favourite mildly alcoholic beverage chilling, and a big box of nommy things, cheeeeeese would feature majorly, see also chocolate and Pringles. You also need all your favourite movies on DVD ready to set going. Make it a festival for you to be relaxed and comfortable. You will absolutely not be the only person alone and you are allowed to enjoy it.

Vivacia · 21/12/2013 14:54

go but not stay very long.

This sounds like a very good compromise. Stay long enough to get the family Christmas vibe and leave before the drama starts.

BillyBanter · 21/12/2013 15:02

How much does continued contact with them matter to you? Do you think that at some point you may wish to cut contact? If you're headed this way it may be easier to not go and block out the fuss about that.

I think I'd go with get nice treats in for yourself at home. Nice food, a christmas present for yourself, nice bath stuff, chestnuts for roasting, hot chocolate and baileys, some DVDs etc. Maybe a phone call to a friend who will also be back home by Christmas evening. Go for the minimum time you can get away with. Smile. Eat turkey. Help with the washing up then make your excuses and leave with a cheery wave and smile. Have something nice to look forward to getting home to.

Make alternative plans nice and early for next year if possible.

Hissy · 21/12/2013 19:35

Alone. Less soul destroying than spending it with harmful people.

Try it love, you might like it! If it's on your terms, it'll be easier.

Original poster
theYonigayinthevillage · 21/12/2013 19:42

Thank you everyone for supportive comments & good ideas!
I'm going to call some friends (didn't want to bother them but why not) and also plan things differently next year.
I was thinking of feigning illness on Xmas day but then felt guilty. However now I feel that they aren't actually entitled to my presence just so they can pretend all is well.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 21/12/2013 19:44

OP don't go. I'm avoiding mine this year. I may spend it with friends or a boyfriend, but even being completely alone is preferable. I figure either way I'll be mourning the happy family life I don't have, and I'd rather do that without the added bonus of people's issues.

Hissy · 21/12/2013 21:59

We could have a special Stately Homes Christmas Day Gathering?

I'm with DS only, having now cut them all off.

You wouldn't actually be alone! You'd have us,

Phone friends, please!

Deathwatchbeetle · 21/12/2013 22:47

God, no contest! Stay on your own. Being with your toxic family will make you feel more alone and why pretend everything is hunky dory when it isn't???

You have the whole day to do what you please - get up when you like (or not). Watch any crap on tv or watch a favourite DVD (or buy yourself one or two or more as a treat). You can eat exactly what you like. If you didn't fancy turkey anyway have something else - even egg and chips!!!

Play whatever music you like Mozart and/or Motorhead! Or spend the day primping yourself (cos you are worth it!!) with face and hair mask, beautiful body lotion/cream, paint your nails etc etc. Get some lovely tasty goodies in so you can have a naughty graze day (well it is for one day only).

Have a great day!!!!

NorksAreMessy · 21/12/2013 22:52

I have a spare place at the table chez Norks. Come and have Christmas here
(or at least tell your family you're going to Malvern for a couple of days) :)

InTheRedCorner · 21/12/2013 22:56

Aww Norks, that is a lovely offer.

I was going to suggest asking around your local homeless organisations and offering to help for the day. No one can moan that you are volunteering.

This is my first year of no contact and it has been hard but I have my own little family so that really helps.

Wishing you loads of luck and good times.

Hissy · 22/12/2013 00:07

I asked my DS if he wanted to do some volunteering.

Let's just say that under double figures, younguns are not public minded.

One day we will! It'll do him good to see other people's circumstances I think.

springysofa · 22/12/2013 06:09

The last time I saw my toxic family all together, I hosted an event in the garden for my dd's 21st. I did all the catering and ran around like a skivvy until I was dead on my feet. Not one member of my family spoke to me once, much less helped out with even the basics like carrying stuff out to the garden, it was as if I was staff. I think they didn't even see me.

anyway, less about me (but just letting you know you're not alone with the toxic family stuff). I hung on, hoped, felt guilty etc, but it's a bit like leaving an abusive relationship: the longer you're away, the sooner the spell breaks. It is a kind of spell of hopes and lies. The longer you're away, the more your jaw drops at what you were putting up with, and you get to see how flimsy your hopes were.

It's probably too late for you to volunteer at a homeless charity this year because you have to do some training first. I really would pull a sicky. Come on here if you like, we can encourage you that you're 1. doing the right thing and 2. not alone. But you may be too busy luxuriating in the gorgeous space of being with someone who values you. That'll be you Xmas Smile

Bedtime1 · 22/12/2013 07:02

Yes hissy to a Christmas day gathering.

Original poster
theYonigayinthevillage · 22/12/2013 13:02

NorksAreMessy way too kind of you to invite this stranger from MN! I have to turn the offer down, but thank you.

For those who can/want to go a Stately home gathering sounds like a great idea, seems there are so many lonely people and other's with toxic families they have to deal with during the holidays.

I'm feeling really knackered like I'm actually becoming ill for real - xmas day will probably be choc and dvd time.

OP posts:
redmapleleaves · 22/12/2013 13:15

Yoni I'm in a similar situation as soon-to-be-ex-husb has the DCs for first time, and I have gone NC with wider family, realising the patterns. I am holed up with some box sets, 10 library books, some nice food, several books of walks (which I may ignore), and the plan to go out with some friends after Christmas. I had a big crying fit when the kids had gone, but basically I feel quite content though of course I'd rather them here. But I would so much rather be alone, not pretending or being superficial, than with others who don't care or respond to where I am at.

Christmas is a difficult time for lots of people. I think its great if there is a group which is out and proud about it. But also I've realised with my friends the chance of proper contact is better after the big day, because so many people are very stressed for the day itself. Good luck and enjoy.

monkeynuts123 · 22/12/2013 14:47

Don't go and call them on xmas morning to tell them exactly why. Then spend the rest of the day planning your life without them and working on healing yourself.

springysofa · 23/12/2013 00:57

ah right - don't go, and call them on xmas morning etc! That little comma makes all the difference Xmas Grin

Aussiebean · 23/12/2013 04:37

Have you had a look online for orphans christmas'? Organisations like Couch Surfers (have been a member for years and have some wonderful experiences) have people who are travelling and alone will have someone offering their house for an orphans Christmas.

Gumtree would do similar. Having had a few Christmas with with my narc mum I can understand why you wouldn't go. But you don't have to be alone.

YoDiggity · 23/12/2013 04:43

I would say go a long in the morning for a couple of hours and then leave before lunch and pretend you are going to eat with friends. That gives you an easy 'out' if they try to pressure you to stay.

You could go along or a couple of hours in the evening but it is more likely to go tits up then, if people have had a drink and starting niggling at one another.

MistressDeeCee · 23/12/2013 05:41

You wont feel any better by being around toxic people, so there doesnt seem any point. Especially if the thought of it is causing you anxiety now. The 'opt outs' other posters have mentioned, make good sense.