Xmas completely alone or with toxic family

[theYonigayinthevillage]

Didn't want to hijack the other threads about similar things, so...

My childhood was horrible, but the people responsible like to pretend it wasn't. I still have contact with them, they're nice as long as I pretend there is no problem.
And now it's xmas...I feel really depressed. It's family celebration time and I haven't got a family of my own (no dp, no dc's) - I really wish I had.

Spending the day alone or with my toxic family both seem painful, but if I go to the family gathering on xmas day, it feels like xmas actually happened this year and there won't be the drama that will absolutely happen if they find out that I don't want to go. So I've decided to go but not stay very long.

I don't know...wanted to vent, and to know if someone has some wise words perhaps? Like how to go there and not break down, and not sit and cry at home rest of the time.

ime of toxic family, even 5 minutes it too long - or long enough for them to get in some kind of dig. A few hours just wouldn't be tenable - ime it has nothing to do with if they've had a few drinks, they're like it all the time!

Hi lovely mumsnetters - I don't know ifit's good or bad luck but I don't have to feign illness. I actually have some cold/flu thing going on probably out of sheer stress. This holiday will be spent sleeping a lot.
Merry flippin Xmas everyone

I would just stay at home and eat lots of lovely things, watch DVDs and read a book.

Next year have you thought about volunteering somewhere. My friend has done this a few times, once in a homeless shelter in London and another time for the Salvation Army. She still days it's one if the best Christmases she's ever had

Snap! re the cold/virus thing (also due to stress, no doubt) - which has scuppered my volunteering plans completely! At least you have the perfect get-out re your family - phew. We can both snuggle down and let Christmas drift over our heads

If any of my friends called me and asked to come along xmas day, I totally would. I would call a close friend if I were you.

Indeed - the friend I mentioned above (who I invited again yesterday on the grounds Tesco have brought me a much bigger joint of meat than expected!) has been overruled in his wish to stay at home and some friends who are local to him have insisted that he comes to theirs. I invited him round on Boxing Day. Another friend has already booked him for that day. So now I have to insist he comes round on the 27th :)

No-one (worth knowing) is so precious about their family Christmas that they don't have room at the table for a good friend.

DS has a temp of 38c. :(

When he's sick he doesn't eat.

I'm debating if I even bother cooking the turkey if it's just for me.

Same thing happened last year. He's not as bad as then, but it's not good.

Hissymas if you already have the turkey, then cook it. You can enjoy it, even if your DS can't!

OP, I'm on my own this year. I hope you can do some things which you really enjoy, e.g. putting on carols or nice food. I hope you have a lovely day anyway.

Yeah, i'll go for it, it's not a full bird obviously, so only takes 2 hours to cook.

Need to find my fresh cranberry sauce recipe from last year, hot, with wine thanks to Nigel Slater, just divine!

So it's the 25th and I'm sitting here alone and feverish, plenty of time to think about my shitty life and shitty family and shitty past, feeling really depressed. It feels awful, I know there are others who are mourning family members right now, many of mine are alive but...I'm mourning that there is no love and normalcy in this family.

Best thing I've done today was to watch Parks and Rec while pretending today is a normal day.

I have learned something however and that is to really plan xmas 2014 & that i don't have to spend time with those people if I don't want to.

Ugh. Sounds like you'd be having a much worse day if you'd gone, OP. At least this way you get to be ill in the comfort of your own home.

The past doesn't define your future. 2014 can be a positive year for you. Go forwards with determination.

Hope you're feeling better soon - I prescribe a large glass of alcohol :)

Thanks tribpot

Get well soon. I'm alone too, today, and in truth, would not have it any other way.

Oh, have to say I did enjoy Christmas with our Mum when she was alive up to 1998... (She was Mum to 5, I was youngest and my three sisters and brother all had moved out as they married... but roughly from age 70, she was living alone, in walking distance {I moved because of a job, and am a non smoker... she bought a separate house nearby, deciding it would be unfair to be a smoker in my small place - with a long lounge/dining room, no divide, so could not be smoking lounge and non-smoking lounge as we had had before })

I'll be having a pizza, and a bottle or two of cider, for my dinner. A couple of years ago, when I was between houses (moved from N Wales to Merseyside) I was at my sister's home, in Staffordshire, while she and her husband and dogs went off to Anglesey. It was a perfect Christmas for each of us - I've grown used to being alone, and don't like the prospect of having to fit into someone else's 'schedule of events'.

Do sort out something special next year, and following years, and you won't look back. For me, there are no rules on when I go to bed (4am this morning), what to do / read / listen to (radio) or watch (I am watching Person of Interest downloads off internet, episodes not aired on TV in UK yet, plus NCIS and NCIS LA, etc. Nothing live, to do with Christmas, as I have no TV licence!)

There's a Twitter hashtag for people wanting to have a virtual gathering, btw.

and you won't look back - sorry, I didn't mean that in an insensitive way, because I don't know much about you, and when I remembered the bit you wrote early on - no dp, no dc's - I see my 'lone lifestyle' is not what you may be wanting, so will wish you good luck in the direction of dp + dc, should it be what you are after (iyswim).

Looks like I am tripping over myself to be apologetic, but if things have not worked out in the past, I don't mean to say to not look for what you want. HTH

You may have had a bit if a shitty day (believe me you weren't alone in that) but at least you did it apart from your toxic family.

My day was ok but of course mum decided not to come with me to my
brother's. I left some water, a coffee, a tin of apricots and some biscuits out for her (not able to get up on her own). I sat her in a chair with the remote control, phone and a crossword puzzle. She was happy being a martyr and when I got back was saying how she 'nearly had to phone us because she was desperate for a cup of tea'. Sigh. At least I had a bit of time with the rest of the family before getting back to "can you do this/what's that on the floor/I need the loo/just some soup etc etc. I realise she is finding it annoying too but is not anxious to start walking even with help and does love putting on her 'bleaty, quavering voice" which is really grating!

If I had my way I would be on my own listening to music, watching Downton, eating crap, drinking some amaretto (well I can still watch Downton and drink Amaretto), would not have got dressed either!!!

Happy Christmas one and all!!!!

Deathwatch - I think your situation is one where the phrase "respite care" is made for. (If I had a way to provide it, I am sure 2-3 weeks on holiday for you every few months, might help you recharge your batteries.)

All I can say for anyone who has some "toxic family" is that I hope 2014 somehow is better for you.

It was a good day for me, in retrospect it's the getting through it that's the challenge . I have a lodger here who went off at about 10am but came home early, just after 4pm - I was not at all pleased to see him and was a bit grouchy, though I tried to hide it. I just wanted to do my own thing and not be observed iyswim.

Had a fair few belly-laughs at Michael McIntyre - good for the soul to laugh like that! I think I'd be hopeless if I saw him live because the only time I've ever seen a live comedy performance I laughed so much I was nearly sick, and the comedian wasn't even that funny - whereas MM is.

I did think about my family during the day - how could I not - but each time it was to realise with fresh relief that I didn't have to put up with their poison. It's probably a pointless thought but I can't help thinking 'Why wasn't I born into an average, ok-ish family?' ie a non-toxic family.

Ntwork - oh it wasn't that bad you know - I am just wingeing and saying that not everyone else had such a great Christmas either! I know a lot of people went down with that blasted Norovirus. Thank goodness I seem to have avoided it and I hope mum does not get iI was worried one of her daily carers may bring it with them. I have already had it 5 x and don't wish it on anyone!!!!

get well soon OP! I didn't see this thread before xmas.

Next year how about volunteering for something that means you can't possibly be with your family for more than half an hour on christmas day - there are lots of places who need volunteers to help make a christmas celebration for those who can't be part of a family gathering - hospices, women's shelters, hostels, churches often run things - you can make yourself very very busy.

I hope you are able to stay well for the 25th next year!

Thanks Iris!
The worst of the cold/flu is over now and I feel better mentally too. "Christmas" really opened a floodgate of depression and traumatic memories - but now it's over and I'm going to plan things better next years.

Good thread if others in the same type of situation missed it:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1947935-To-anyone-who-might-be-feeling-sad-alone-depressed-or-even-suicidal-today-Xxx?
Could be helpful if you feel very lonely and depressed over NY too.