Ex's new girlfriends moving in to my old home!

[Chocberry]

Could do with some happy stories of how others have moved on as I'm feeling utterly shit at the moment!
My ex has told me he is moving the new Gf in to our old family home. (They have been together 5 months. He met her 4 months after i left him).The home we shared and bought the dcs up in.
Yes I left him (earlier this year) it was my decision. I had good reason to he had cheated and hurt me so much.
I still have feelings for him as we were together 13 years and thinking of them together is killing me.
I feel like I can't breathe knowing that our children will be sleeping in the house when they stay with daddy and she will be living there too. It will be like they are family and only at the beginning of this year we all lived there together!
The dc don't know yet but how on earth will they feel going to the house mummy used to live in and now another woman in the same bed etc!
I'm not sure if I will be able to get through this. I don't want him back but didn't think I would feel so devastated by this.
Does anyone have any tips to help me move on myself?
Has anyone experienced this and got though it?
How I'm feeling now is worse than he actual split! Can't stop crying. Thinking of them together all day long. I need to be strong for my dc but now feeling like I might have made a mistake, which is crazy!

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation. This time of the year brings back memories for all of us. I always find the new year is better (even if the weather is shit). It may be a rebound relationship, she may just be a substitute and may not last, though I know that is not much consolation. Would it help to write a list of the reasons why you left him? Leopards rarely change their spots.
I don't have experience of introducing children to new partners, but I would be dubious of an ex introducing a new partner to my children especially in this situation as it may be confusing to them, and more so if I have not met her. Happy to be corrected by posters who have experience of this.
Have you some good friends or family who can help you get through this?

I mean I may be dubious of my children being under the same roof as someone I have not met and whose character I do not know

Hello OP

I had the same sense of horror and betrayal when I found out that my XH had taken OW (now his wife) to my dream holiday home when we were together. They now live in my old house here in UK (she sold hers) and flit between that and the holiday home. A male friend of mine told me that men don't think of houses with the same emotional connections that women do and for men they're bricks and mortar. I found that helped me.

Additionally when my DSDs (XH's Ds) came to see me it was about their favourite meal being cooked and the memories and conversations we had shared over mealtimes and the precious objects that represented home for them. DSD2 burst into my new home saying she could smell my lasagne cooking and it just felt like home. For them the bricks and mortar were irrelevant.

Good luck and I hope something in these words chimes with you.

B&A x

oh dear, how I sympathise with you.my daughter experienced exactly the same.her husband threw her out (by the throat), then he moved his new girlfriend in-the children's best friends mother!)it was a horrendous time emotionally, particularily as it was in Canada, where she had no family to turn to.
that was 6 years ago, but, she picked herself up somehow, worked hard and built a new life for herself, and children. so, hard as it may seem right now, be assured that they "both deserve" each other. one day, I assure you, you will feel you had a lucky escape and will find a more peaceful life.yes, bricks and mortar ,but mum's special cooking and truthful love will overcome. do you have a home of your own now, are you renting, can the old home be sold?tell you what, I bet it won't be long until the arguments begin.has gf got children of her own?

did gf have her own house before she moved in with ex?,did she work?how many children has she got?does ex work?do you work?just wondering the true motivation on the present arrangements. you will come through this, just some perspective needed.

Thanks for the replies. I don't really have much support in rl only my mum.
No she doesn't have any children she is 10 yrs younger than me. I'm not sure if she had her own place before or if she was living with parents. She is 25. Ex and Gf both work full time. I work part time and studying.
I move out of the home we shared we have joint mortgage. I'm currently renting.

Also I moved out because it was only a 2 bed and the dc needed there own rooms. So currently renting a 3 bed, better area away from ex.

There are a lot of men who face this scenario (maybe some will post on this thread with support?)

It's hard to see the parent who remained in the family home moving on with their life - understandably you have memories of your life together. It might not be long before they move to a home they select together - it may be just as hard for them (particularly her) to live in the shadow of those memories.

so they both work full time, are you receiving adequate financial support?
what plans do you have for selling the house?
not that it matters, but is ex paying the whole of the mortgage?
my daughter felt the same, but , and this is the main but, you left him by choice, so you must have wanted to get away from him.(gf moved in pretty quickly!)
"allow" access as often as he likes, the children will soon find out who truly loves them...you!
the main issues, is YOU.
it doesn't matter one iota if it was once the "family home", you are providing the present family home. I assure you, resentment will soon become an issue, particularily if gf hasn't children of her own, and still wants to have a social life.
they won't "be together all day long", you are still mum and always will be.ages of the children plz?
I know it is such a awful time for you just now, put the house into a compartment at the back of your mind, and turn you home into a beautiful place of security for your family.
btw, when you qualify, will you be able to earn a good living, to provide for yourself, don't forget they might live in your previous bricks and mortar, but you still have you life way from lies and betrayals.
do something for yourself today, look into a mirror and smile at your face and take the next step forward.
what plans have you over the Christmas?
I know it's "easy" to say these things, but it is from personal experience, and life truly does move on.

So half the house is still yours? Would it suit you to sell and release the money tied up in it? You could start the ball rolling in the new year and tell him you want to sell. If you don't want to sell, are you still contributing half mortgage? Perhaps that makes it worse, fact you're paying for a house she lives in.

"allow" access as often as he likes, the children will soon find out who truly loves them...you!

I'm sure both the OP and her ex truly love their DCs

Yes he is paying support at the moment. Dc are 11 and 6. The current arrangements are dc staying with him every other weekend. So plenty of time for ex and gf to have fun together which is the reason he said he cheated in the past because we never had time for ourselves (due to having kids young). I suppose I'm resentful about that. They are out enjoying themselves no childcare to arrange etc.
I'm visiting my mum over Xmas. Ex has said he might not see dc. Obviously because he has plans with her!

Sell the old family home. Take your share of the profit--is any and start again. Is this possible??

I'm thinking it might make me look bitter if I now say the house needs to be sold! Also we are being amicable I'm worried this will cause hassle if I now say I want he house sold now he has said she is moving in.
He's paying the mortgage himself as I could not afford to pay for both houses.
I'm thinking I just want my name of the mortgage.

*off

Get your name off the mortgage.

Focus on the fantastic and happy new life you are going to provide for your DCs. Your ex and his gf may come unstuck, they may not. It doesn't matter anymore. You freed yourself from his bullshit and you deserve to start living. N

*no one will ever replace what you had. Have a lovely Christmas and keep your chin up x

Don't be bitter- you are entitled to a share of the proceeds. He chose to cheat and later he moved in someone else (appreciate there can be many, many stories to the contrary but I would be inclined to believe he moved her in too soon and she's probably a bit of a fool to go along with it wanting to 'play house'. However that is only an assumption so sorry to go off on a tangent.)
I think lifestory has given you some good advice. It's great that you are keeping it amicable because of the DC. Could he give you a financial settlement to get you off the mortgage- as well as maintenance- that you could set aside?
In time, you will feel better, even though it may not seem so now.

slight misunderstanding frogstarandroses,no doubting equal parental love, just gf might not feel the same!

chocberry,so they are "having fun" ,be gentle with yourself, you can "have fun"or simply sit cuddled up nice and warm on the sofa with your children eating pizza.
my daughter spent so much (wasted)time visualising the children laughing with ex and new gf, in the old "family home",until she healed to some extent and began to build her life again.
have you got your tree and xmas trimmings ready, stay focused on that for YOUR sanity.
would it be financially viable to sell the house, any equity?my husbands nephew is in a similar position, but if the house was sold, most of it would be taken as the ex survives on benefits.if you feel the house is the salt in the wound, maybe there is only one way to move forward?sell, and take the next steps in your life

dear chocberry, feel so sad for you, having experienced the same with my daughter.
no, saying the house needs to be sold, is simply a natural progression from a relationship breakup.would the half equity be sufficient for a deposit /mortgage for yourself?
each forward step you take will change your perspective on your situation.
your focus must be on you, and your future plans, a step at a time.
could you manage a mortgage of your own with equity being your deposit.
please don't agree any financial plans until you have taken legal advice.

It's hard to see your ex with someone else even if it was you who instigated the split.

However you need to focus on all the bad bits that led you to this decision in the first place.

Maybe it's time to start thinking about moving on yourself. When he has the kids you have suddenly got a whole lot of freedom too! Be a shame to waste it :-)

Please push to get your name off the mortgage, I am in a horrible situation where Ex is off the my mortgage of the property I am in, but there are two other properties that have mortgages that are his from the settlement, but he has done nothing about and as he and OW have pissed his money away he may now default on those mortgages and even though we're progressing consent order they may come after me or the money.

I had the same thing.

I loved my home, I renovated it myself from a shell so it was so hard to see him living there with his new girlfriend while I was in a rented shithole.

He's since moved on but now rents out the house and it still hurts to think of someone else in my home, especially as I have live in a succession of rented places which are horrible.

Actually I agree, it's your right to ask to sell the house. I don't think that's spiteful, it's practical. Don't feel like you have to apologise for anything.

See a solicitor before you get your name off the mortgage and deeds. And anything else, like childcare costs as with his new lady they might dry up.

Its practical for you to either sell or he buy you out. You have assets tied up in the house and need them for you and your dc.

Its not bitter and twisted, its a sensible thing to do now things have changed. He might not like it but he doesn't have to. He has baggage and pretending he doesn't to his new woman won't change the fact he has and it has to be dealt with, starting with the division of assets and the house.