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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I smell something funny. Nearly 6 months pregnant. What would you do?

36 replies

Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 02:12

My fiancé and I are expecting a baby in March. It was a planned pregnancy but since it was confirmed he's been 'acting up'. He blames most of his behaviour on his bipolar disorder, but unfortunately I do suspect he's using it as an excuse to justify how he's acting. It's not mood swings a few times a year (as most typical bipolar people experience) but rather a couple of times a month.

He had cheated just before we found out I was pregnant. It was a 1 night thing and he came clean about it rather than waiting to get caught.

A couple of months later, he went out with a friend and failed to come home. I got worried and at 6am I sent his friend a Facebook message. At 7, fiancé walked in the front door. He said he slept at the friend's house but the friend for some reason never answered me despite me being able to see he was online. He didn't think of sending me a FB message from the friend's house when his phone died and he ended up missing the last metro home. He was extremely apologetic and promised it wouldn't happen again.

Since then, he's been going out with a different friend whose contact details I don't have. It's become quite frequent. I'm trying not to be the person who doesn't want her partner going out drinking simply becsuse she can't.

Today, he asked me if I'd been on his amazon account. Several different items of lingerie have randomly appeared on his wish list. I didn't put them there. Someone obviously must have though.

He's been completely off sex and blames it on psychological stuff surrounding the pregnancy.

He had another mood swing tonight and expressed that he wanted to go out. He acknowledged that he's been out most weekends recently and said he felt bad. Though I was obviously upset, I told him I'd rather he go out than stay in when he was clearly in a horrendous mood. I did query how it was possible for him to go out though when we had no money. He said the friend would pay for him. She then 'coincidentally' called while we were discussing the fact that I don't feel like I'm able to let off any steam. They had a very quick conversation in his native language, which I don't speak.

He insists that he didn't have anything planned with her and that it was a complete coincidence.

It occurred to me after he went out that it would have been very presumptuous of him to state before a discussion with the friend that she would pay for him for the night. The only reason I can see that he'd do this is if he'd paid for her frequently in the past with our money.

He's still not home. The last metro has been and gone. I called to see if he needed a lift and I had no answer. That was about 40 minutes ago.

What do people think?

OP posts:
BumgrapesofWrath · 21/12/2013 02:52

I think he's probably cheating with this female

peasandlove · 21/12/2013 03:00

sounds well dodgy to me. Sorry

Vivacia · 21/12/2013 03:43

I think he's very likely cheating on you.

I think you're trying hard to be the Cool Girlfriend, and he's not trying hard enough to be the good, supportive boyfriend.

SaltedCaramelSauce · 21/12/2013 04:01

I think, what I think you think! And it`s not good is it?

I also think you have been far too accommadating with regards to his leaving you alone so much. It`s bad enough for you now, but if he carries on like this once your baby is here, it will be a nightmare. Thrash it out with him once and for all, and the best of luck.

BunnyMama · 21/12/2013 04:15

Put your foot down. See what happens.

lottieandmia · 21/12/2013 04:31

Is he getting any treatment for his bipolar disorder? I had bipolar but consider myself recovered as I don't cycle any more and living with someone who has this illness can be exhausting and very stressful. If he's ill he probably won't be thinking about you and your needs which is what should be happening when you're pregnant. There is no way he should be buggering off all the time at night like this. What an awful situation for you to be in. This is not going to be a stable home for a child to be born into - I would consider leaving the relationship tbh.

Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 04:40

Thank you ladies.

He is now home and a conversation has been had. I'll give you a full update once I've had a few hours sleep.

All of your advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:
YoDiggity · 21/12/2013 04:40

So the 'new' friend he's going out with is from his home country and it's a she? And the PG was planned/agreed between you but after only 6 months he's already messing you around and wanting to be out all the time? And he had a one night stand when you were trying for a baby?

Doesn't sound great does it? Not great at all. What country is he from?

Don't make allowances by letting him blame the bi-polar. It doesn't matter whether he has bi-polar or not - it's not a get out of jail free card to treat someone like this.

GoodnessKnows · 21/12/2013 05:56

Hope things pan out well for you and the covers stink goes well. Be strong - but lean on friends. It's not looking great and you will need support.

Vivacia · 21/12/2013 09:09

You can't make him not see his "friend" or stay out late but you can draw your lines in the sand. You could have a partner who wants to be at home with you and who is reliable when it comes to time-keeping and ringing you if he's going to be late.

lottieandmia · 21/12/2013 09:24

It sounds like this man has a total lack of respect and I doubt that drawing lines in the sand will help. There comes a time in everyone's life where you have to behave like a responsible adult and cannot be staying out all night when you have a family who you are responsible to. And it sounds like he doesn't even care if the OP knows he's cheating.

Vivacia · 21/12/2013 09:29

I doubt that drawing lines in the sand will help

So you think she should just kick him out with talking about it?

whattoWHO · 21/12/2013 09:32

Sounds like he's cheating.
Even if he isn't, he's not showing you any respect.

HairyGrotter · 21/12/2013 09:35

I smell more than something funny, I smell lack of respect and appalling behaviour.

Viviennemary · 21/12/2013 09:44

This is just all so completely and totally unaccepable. It does look very possible that he is having an affair or about to have an affair with this woman. I hope I'm wrong for your sake.

Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 12:17

Hi everyone.

At around 2:30 last night my phone rang. It was an unfamiliar landline number. I answered and it was my fiance on a pay phone. He'd lost his and had apparently been looking for it for a couple of hours. He had walked the friend home and was about to go get a bus. I went to collect him instead as I wanted to get this talk done while I felt able.

Once home I asked him outright if he's cheated since the time I know about. He promised me he hasn't.

So I spent the next 15 minutes outlining how he's been in the last 6 months. I was very detached about it and took him through the incidents in much the same way as I wrote my OP. When I'd finished, he at least had the decency to look thoroughly ashamed of his behaviour.

I also expressed to him that the enthusiasm around having children that he wad showing while we were TTC just wasn't there anymore and I was starting to feel like the baby and I were simply an inconvenience to his social life.

He was adamant that he isn't cheating. Put to him the way I did though he said he can more than see why it looks that way and that though he knew he'd been behaving badly, the full picture looked much worse than he had realised.

I've relayed my expectations to him: the first being that he starts to recognise the fact that he's going to be a dad soon and he has to stop being so selfish. The second being that very soon, either him or I will start putting me first rather than him, and should it have to be me, he won't be on the scene. I made it very clear that I am still more than capable of being independent. And lastly I told him that he needs to put the work in to get me in such a place that I'm not suspicious when his phone goes off.

He voluntarily said that he's going to stop going out at weekends and that if he wants to see this friend, it'll be during the week over coffee. He said he's really ashamed of how he's been behaving and he can see that his actions aren't those of an engaged man with a baby on the way.

He was awake for quite a while after that (very strange for him...he can sleep soundly minutes after a blazing row) and was extremely upset. He still seems quite ashamed this morning.

So, I suppose he's got a few months of proving that he sees us as a family, loves me and is capable of having friends without cheating (he's normally quite a loner).

OP posts:
HowlingTrap · 21/12/2013 12:28

Well done, ! for being so strong,

I suppose its good he listened,

How is his behaviour this morning?

BasicFish · 21/12/2013 12:31

I'm really glad he talked to you sensibly. . But what about the unexplained lingerie on his Amazon account? Unless it's a present for you. . Bit of a weird present atm, especially considering he's gone off sex with you ..Does have any explanation for those things? And why wasn't he answering his phone?

HowlingTrap · 21/12/2013 12:38

I agree with BasicFish too though, don't let the tears fog your vision so to speak.

Vivacia · 21/12/2013 12:41

very soon, either him or I will start putting me first rather than him, and should it have to be me, he won't be on the scene

What does this mean OP and how will you know that it's happened?

HowlingTrap · 21/12/2013 13:02

I got a bit confused at that too OP,

mrsspagbol · 21/12/2013 13:10

Wishing you the best of luck OP. You deserve to be treated much better than this and I hope he changes. I admire your ability to remain calm.

Leverette · 21/12/2013 13:12

This reply has been deleted

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sunshinemeg · 21/12/2013 13:28

Hi jolliegh, stumbled over this whilst browsing. Glad to hear you had a clear talk with him, staying positive that things work out for you

YoDiggity · 21/12/2013 16:31

GLad you had a stern talk with him, but I'm afraid I don't hold out much hope of this being the end of it.

On the Amazon front, was the stuff actually in the basket or the wish list, or was it just stuff you have recently viewed? Because sometimes I have clicked on links to products on Amazon that have been posted on MN, and the cookies have made them appear as things I've looked at on my Amazon page. Unless they are in the wish list it could be completely innocent.