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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I smell something funny. Nearly 6 months pregnant. What would you do?

36 replies

Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 02:12

My fiancé and I are expecting a baby in March. It was a planned pregnancy but since it was confirmed he's been 'acting up'. He blames most of his behaviour on his bipolar disorder, but unfortunately I do suspect he's using it as an excuse to justify how he's acting. It's not mood swings a few times a year (as most typical bipolar people experience) but rather a couple of times a month.

He had cheated just before we found out I was pregnant. It was a 1 night thing and he came clean about it rather than waiting to get caught.

A couple of months later, he went out with a friend and failed to come home. I got worried and at 6am I sent his friend a Facebook message. At 7, fiancé walked in the front door. He said he slept at the friend's house but the friend for some reason never answered me despite me being able to see he was online. He didn't think of sending me a FB message from the friend's house when his phone died and he ended up missing the last metro home. He was extremely apologetic and promised it wouldn't happen again.

Since then, he's been going out with a different friend whose contact details I don't have. It's become quite frequent. I'm trying not to be the person who doesn't want her partner going out drinking simply becsuse she can't.

Today, he asked me if I'd been on his amazon account. Several different items of lingerie have randomly appeared on his wish list. I didn't put them there. Someone obviously must have though.

He's been completely off sex and blames it on psychological stuff surrounding the pregnancy.

He had another mood swing tonight and expressed that he wanted to go out. He acknowledged that he's been out most weekends recently and said he felt bad. Though I was obviously upset, I told him I'd rather he go out than stay in when he was clearly in a horrendous mood. I did query how it was possible for him to go out though when we had no money. He said the friend would pay for him. She then 'coincidentally' called while we were discussing the fact that I don't feel like I'm able to let off any steam. They had a very quick conversation in his native language, which I don't speak.

He insists that he didn't have anything planned with her and that it was a complete coincidence.

It occurred to me after he went out that it would have been very presumptuous of him to state before a discussion with the friend that she would pay for him for the night. The only reason I can see that he'd do this is if he'd paid for her frequently in the past with our money.

He's still not home. The last metro has been and gone. I called to see if he needed a lift and I had no answer. That was about 40 minutes ago.

What do people think?

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 16:49

Hi Basic. The Amazon thing was actually very weird. I didn't stumble across it or anything like that...he laughed and asked me if I was trying to give him a hint about our sex life...effectively, he came to me about it rather than the other way around.

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 16:51

Sorry Vivacia - in my haste to update you all, that did get a bit jumbled. I basically said to him that currently both me and him have been working towards keeping him happy and that if his #1 priority is going to continue to be himself rather than putting his pregnant fiance first, I'll be leaving him.

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 16:52

Hi Meg ã??wavesã??Brew

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 16:53

(No idea how my punctuation translated like that! This app really needs some work doing.)

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 16:56

Hi YoDiggety - I thought that at first but his items were actually in his default wish list. He's had a very clingy and desperate ex who occasionally rears her ugly head and all either of us can conclude is that she's having one last ditch attempt to piss me off before the baby arrives. He's changed his password now to something she'd never guess.

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 16:58

Hi Howling - exemplary behaviour today. He's apologised a dozen more times too.

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 16:59

Hi Leverette - that could well be the case of course, but only time will tell.

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Jolleigh · 21/12/2013 17:06

Hi Lottie - he doesn't take anything to manage his bipolar and he's extremely stubborn about that. But as I've mentioned, on some occasions he does use the diagnosis to excuse the behaviour he's exhibiting when he doesn't get his own way. I've spoken to him about this previously and he knows it's not acceptable...that he can't just have a 'trump card' up his sleeve every time he has to accept something isn't the way he wanted it to be. (His bipolar cycles and his 'strops' are very obviously different to an observer by the way...his strops are a bit of a parody of how he percieves himself to be when he's having a depressive episode and it became possible for me to predict them before they happened)

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 21/12/2013 20:48

When I was ill I found it very difficult to be calm in the evenings and I remember a desperate urge to leave the house at a time when everyone else was asleep. Now that I'm better I can see that I was not the real me when I was ill. I had no time to think about anything but all the confusion pouring through my head.

If he's not getting any treatment for his illness then the situation isn't going to get better for you or your child anytime soon imo. Does he manage to work even though he's unwell?

Jolleigh · 22/12/2013 10:04

He does work, yes. His illness has never stopped him from working, though certainly can colour his perception of things that happen while he's there.

OP posts:
YoDiggity · 23/12/2013 13:24

If he has been offered/recommended medication to help manage the bi-polar and he has refused it then he doesnt' get to use it as an excuse or justification for appalling and erratic behaviour, whether he can help it or not, as far as I'm concerned.

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