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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should i call my mother???

27 replies

kayleigh81 · 20/07/2006 20:03

I'll try and keep this as short as i can...
Basically i havent spoke to my mum for just over a year and am debating whether i should try and make contact.
She left my dad for another man which caused arguments and upset for the whole family. we ended up arguing over the lies she had been telling us and we didnt speak for about 3 months.
I found out i was pg and all i got was a text off her saying ' when the baby is born give it a kiss from me'. No attempts to make up or even talk to me. Ive since had my ds who is 11 weeks and she hasn't made any attempt to contact me or ask how the baby is or if she can see him ( she still has contact with my brother).

Ive been thinking about ringing her for the last few days but i dont know if i should. I dont want her to think she can treat me the way she has, but on the other hand she's missing out on her grandson.

Does anyone have any opinions on what i should do or have u been in a simalar situation?

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 20/07/2006 20:06

have to go, but to me it sounds like that text was her first move. she's probably waiting for your reaction before doing anything more - new mums can be ferocious. I'd phone her.

Original poster

kayleigh81 · 20/07/2006 20:09

i did taxt her after i got that message saying it didnt have to be the way it was but didnt get one back.
I also forgot to add that she has left me in quite a bit of debt by ordering things from my catalogues and not paying for them, and has also caused further splits in the family with my uncle and cousins.

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 20/07/2006 20:10

When you say you don't want her to think that she can treat you the way she has, what do you mean? Are there other things going on than what you've told us? From your post all I can see is a two-way argument over your mum leaving your dad, and an attempt at peace-making by your mum which you haven't responded to. Unless there's more to this than you've written here, I can't see that she's really treated you badly.

I would see the text your mother sent you as an attempt to build bridges - maybe she hasn't done any more than that yet because you didn't respond to her? You have to meet each other half way, neither of you should have to do all the running.

Contact her - what have you got to lose?

Original poster

kayleigh81 · 20/07/2006 20:18

i think that im also worried about the reaction i'll get from the rest of the family as well if i do ring her.
The whole family has been spilt down the middle and i dont want to cause any more arguments as this have just settled down.
As much as i hate the way things have turned out, and the financial mess she's left me in, she's still my mum. I dont know what to do for the best

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 20/07/2006 20:20

Why are you worried about what others think? If you want to see her, and for her to be in your son's life, then see her.

It would be a lot more mature than continuing with the arguments.

Original poster

kayleigh81 · 20/07/2006 20:24

I'm just worried that things will start up again and that there will be more upset for the family. Everyones been at each others throats over one thing or another, i havent been involved with it but know its been going on.
In a way i dont want things to go on the way the are, even though she's hurt me. But i dont want it to cause any more trouble

OP posts:

Fastasleep · 20/07/2006 20:28

You know in your heart what to do, just do what you want/need.

Make sure you have a good deep think on it, sleep on it, think and sleep on it again...

Parents aren't infallible, love isn't always forever, there's no nice way of leaving your husband when kids (grown up or tiny) are involved and it sounds much easier to just scarper...

I bet she's hurting too, but there's always more than the glimpse of the story we see here, and as I said you in your heart will know (even if it takes a while to come) what you want to do about it, don't let yourself be pressured by others, or even the thought of your son missing out on anything...

best of luck xx

Fastasleep · 20/07/2006 20:30

Next and last pearl of nowhere near wisdom -

families used to fighting are always going to fight, no matter what you do or don't do, they'll get over it.

LucyLemon · 20/07/2006 20:33

Kayleigh,
I would say that personally, from what you've said, I'd wait for her to make another move.
The text sounds cold and emotive. Is she manipulative?

How did you feel about your mother before you had your ds? Are those post-natal hormones giving you a yearning to re-establish the bond with your mum?

I think you are right to be concerned about how others feel about you contacting her - especially your dad. Try to look at the situation objectively. Can you speak to your family about it without them getting upset?

As your mother, she should not be leaving you with her bills to pay. Especially as you've got a young nipper. She sounds like a rather selfish woman. But then we don't know the full story.

Just don't set yourself up to be hurt by her and cold-shouldered by the rest of your family.

Original poster

kayleigh81 · 20/07/2006 20:39

youve pretty much hit the nail on the head lucylemon. She is very manipulative and selfish, she always has been even before she left my dad.
Me and my dad have become really close which we never used to be and i dont want to hurt him.
Before i had my ds i didnt really think about her so it has mainly been since i had him. The thing is though she doesnt ask about himk,didnt send him a card when he was born or hasnt asked to see him

OP posts:

Original poster

kayleigh81 · 20/07/2006 20:39

OP posts:

Original poster

kayleigh81 · 20/07/2006 20:39

OP posts:

Original poster

kayleigh81 · 20/07/2006 20:40

oops...dont know what happened there

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milward · 20/07/2006 20:50

congrats on your little one Kayleigh xxx

My mum has chosen to ignore my ds4 & has never called or sent a card or anything ever for him. She sends presents for my dds birthdays but with no letter for me. I can only say that her not asking anything about my children & not bothering with my ds4 is really awful.

When I think of her choosing to do this it breaks my heart. My kids are so lovely & my ds4 the most wonderful baby. For doing this she is no longer my mother.I had forgiven her for a crappy childhood but can not forget this. If she apologised I would listen but our relationship has changed for ever.

I hope things will work out for you xxx It's you & your baby that are important. Best wishes xxx

Original poster

kayleigh81 · 20/07/2006 20:54

sorry to hear you have gone through this as well milward.
The fact she doesnt even ask about my ds really upsets me too, if she wanted us to make up surely she would try harder and ask if she can see him or if she can have a photo, she hasnt even done this.
I know if we did ever speak that things would never ever be the same as they were but at least she would know her grandson

OP posts:

LucyLemon · 20/07/2006 21:20

I think that you can possibly think too much of the role of grandparents in a child's life.

I'm sure that's a bit of a controversial thing to say but my girls have just one set of grandparents that they see occasionally, my ex-h's parents have not made contact since I left my ex-h even though we got on well and I loved them both.

My parents live abroad and visit a few times a year. My dds are happy to see them when they do but they have lots of other people around that love them and there is no gap in their lives (that I've noticed anyway).

I don't doubt that for some, grandparents are an integral part of their children's lives and I myself have a great relationship with my grandmother. I love her to bits and am glad she has been a big part of my life.

However, don't let yourself feel guilty about your (selfish) mother not having a relationship with your little boy. I'm sure that you absolutely adore him and, naturally, want to share him and show your pride of him with others. This situation is her own making and she doesn't seem to be taking any steps to sort things out.

Try to think of what benefits your mum might bring to your son's life and then carefully weigh up whether it is really worth it.

And definitely take your time.

Original poster

kayleigh81 · 20/07/2006 21:47

thanks so much for that, it really helped.x

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doobydoo · 20/07/2006 22:07

Agree with LucyLemon's posts

Original poster

kayleigh81 · 20/07/2006 22:55

thanks for all your posts about this, your last post lucylemon made me realise that she wont bring anything to his life that he would need. I dont want him getting involved with anyone who might end up hurting him as well.
Me and dp give him all we can and thats all he needs, hes got my dad and dp's parents in his life and doesnt need her involvement. If she was bothered by this she would contact us.

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milward · 21/07/2006 10:44

Hi Kayleigh - Your ds is very lucky to have this loving family with you dp, your dad & dp parents. I'm sad for you that your mum isn't involved but it's her problem.

My little ones have dh family & my sister & they have a great time. They do ask about my mum - who was a big part of their life until she decided to tell me to get lost 2yrs ago - despite everything my sister & I had done & how we had welcomed her into our lives, putting aside how we felt about her. Sometimes I wish I'd told her what I thought of her. I tell my kids she's not right in the head & as she refuses to see her doc & isn't getting better (the truth really) but I miss the bit out about what I actually think about her.

best wishes to you xxx

SSSandy · 21/07/2006 11:47

kayleigh, I'm not you but what I would do is pack my wonderful child into the car and drive around to see her with a bunch of flowers. If you don't get a fantastic response, it won't be from want of trying.

My mum died of cancer last year and I miss her so much and I am so sorry for dd that she isn't going to be around. Can't help thinking, it would be tough for you if she died and you weren't reconciled, you know. You can't turn the clock back then and put your pride aside and all the things you'd want to do. She is your mum, she carried you within her for 9 months, gave birth to you, looked after you for all your childhood - and fell in love with a different man from your father. I would put up with a lot before I gave up on my mum TBH.

Good luck with the whole situation.

kiskidee · 21/07/2006 11:50

have you sent her a notification of birth card? may be easier if you find the idea of a phone call too difficult right now. that way she can send back a card at least.

Original poster

kayleigh81 · 21/07/2006 17:11

she was sent a card when he was born via my brother, didnt get a card back or even a text message to see how me or my ds was. I cant help thinking that if she wanted to be part of our lives then she would have made a move before now, ds is 11 weeks so she's had plenty time to really. I know i have as well but ive been so busy with the baby.

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kiskidee · 21/07/2006 18:41

then let your conscience rest a while. you are tired enough.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/07/2006 18:48

Your Mother has previously left you in debt and caused many ructions within the family unit. I would have to say that she could be seen as a "toxic parent". Toxic people are very good at manipulation of others and she sounds very selfish. She has put herself and her own needs and wants first.

If she cannot be bothered to see her grandson then that is up to her. It sounds like she has many issues which are deeply ingrained. These are her issues to do with and no-one but her can or should try to take ownership of them.

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