Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Ungrateful SIL

30 replies

frasierfanatic · 20/12/2013 11:06

I'm really not sure how to deal with SIL. I feel that she takes me for granted. Obviously I can't just cut her off or have nothing to do with her but how she is behaving is really getting to me.

I do her a lot of favours; she works and I have her DC one day a week so that she can work, and also have them at the drop of a hat to help her out at other times.

Firstly, I never get so much as a thank you for any of the childcare that I provide. She really seems to take it for granted. She drops them off, talks about herself, and never asks how I am. She always asks how DH is though and if he arrives home at any point when I have the children for her, she treats him like a king and asks him how he is. I've had a difficult year with several things happening but SIL doesn't care about any of that. On the other hand, DH did a small favour for her a few weeks ago and she got him a present! I've not even ever had a thank you!

Secondly, she always makes arrangements through DH. She will text him and ask him to ask me to have the children for her. It's like she doesn't think I'm good enough to deal with.

Thirdly, if I comment on her facebook photos or statuses, she just ignores me, and then replies to everyone else in a gushing manner. I know it's only facebook, but it's hurtful that she does this.

I just feel like she doesn't treat me with any respect. DH has invited her and her DH round here on Sunday for lunch. How can I adjust how I am with her without being rude? Do I just act in a disinterested, vague way? I think I'm going to tell her that after the end of January I won't be able to have her children for her one day per week.

OP posts:

CrazyCatLady13 · 20/12/2013 11:08

Sounds like you're being used - might be best to stop looking after her children one day per week, then she might actually appreciate you!!

Finola1step · 20/12/2013 11:10

Yes, you need to tell her that you can no longer do the one day a week free childcare. She's taking the piss out of you but right now, you are letting her. Stop it.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 20/12/2013 11:10

Be civil and polite but like you say a little distant. I agree that you should end the arrangement for child care too.

I think not contacting you directly to arrange child care is very rude. What does you DH think?

CallMeNancy · 20/12/2013 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull · 20/12/2013 11:11

Your DH needs to speak up for you. Why isn't he bothered that his sister is treating his wife like shit?

Sorry for you though OP, it's hurtful, isn't it? I am going through some horrible stuff of my own with hurtful family and I have such low tolerance for anyone else being less than ok at the moment

Original poster

frasierfanatic · 20/12/2013 11:13

She is one of those people that thinks the world revolves around her and that no one has things as hard as she apparently has them.

I'll tell her on Sunday that I'm going to be doing extra work hours from the end of January so won't be able to provide any further childcare. I think she'll probably have a hissy fit about it but hey ho

OP posts:

wellthatsmetoldthen · 20/12/2013 11:13

As has been said above stop providing childcare. If DH has arranged it let him provide it.

Stand up for yourself.

DIYapprentice · 20/12/2013 11:15

Definitely act vague and slightly disinterested. But also definitely stop the childcare. She can sod off if she doesn't appreciate what you do for her.

Tell your DH that he is no longer to offer your assistance when she asks. He is to tell her that he has no idea if you can and that she needs to contact you herself to ask - each and every time.

Rudeness like this really annoys me.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 20/12/2013 11:18

Well it doesn't really matter if she has a hissy fit. All she can do is not talk to you or take an interest in you which she doesn't do anyway.

Stop commenting on f/book too. You don't have block her but you can hide her & restrict her from seeing your stuff too. She won't even know.

Original poster

frasierfanatic · 20/12/2013 11:19

DH never seems to see any bad in her, and seems to just think of her as being a little bit thoughtless or scatty.

I'll tell him that in future he needs to tell her to contact me if she wants childcare.

What do I do if when I tell her I can't provide any further childcare she kicks off? She is FIL's golden girl, and no doubt he'll get himself involved to try to 'sort it out', and they'll make out that it's me being unreasonable, not her.

FIL even contacted our wedding venue the day before we got married because SIL kicked off about the seating plan and wanted it changing.

OP posts:

trice · 20/12/2013 11:20

I think you need to get this out in the open. She might be an evil cow who hates you, or she might just be oblivious. Either way don't let her use you.

Make a big sign for your Sunday lunch table saying "I really resent being taken for granted". It is not just your sil but also your dh who needs to hear it.

trice · 20/12/2013 11:23

Stop worrying so much about other people's feelings. If you want your own way you should be bolshy and unrepentant. If your fil wants to somebody to provide his golden girl free childcare, he should step up himself.

DIYapprentice · 20/12/2013 11:23

If you're worried about that (although quite frankly that in itself is telling, the whole family clearly enables her dreadful behaviour!) then take on a commitment for the day that are doing the childcare on. A course or some volunteering that would be beneficial for a future job, something that is just tooooo good to pass up.

Or perhaps ask FIL to step in and do the childcare if he is so worked up about it

Ifcatshadthumbs · 20/12/2013 11:30

You are not obliged to be someone's free child care. I would just go with the "sorry I won't be able to fit it in around my new working hours'

There seems little point in pointing out the truth when everyone else thinks the sun shines out her backside.

Original poster

frasierfanatic · 20/12/2013 11:39

I'm freelance luckily so I can just tell her that I'm upping my hours as I need the money

OP posts:

CerealMom · 20/12/2013 11:46

Short complete sentences.

"No, I'm sorry that's not possible"
"No, I'm sorry I'm not available. DH shouldn't have agreed on my behalf."
"Oh, that is unfortunate for you" blah blah blah

Polite. Don't get drawn into explanations, excuses or offer to change your schedule. Repeat when SiL asks you to re-work your day etc... She will look/sound very rude if she keeps pressing the point.

Be a broken record - over and over again. They will eventually get the message. No argument/drama.

Festive homework - ask a friend to role play. Practise, practise, practise your lines!

Kundry · 20/12/2013 13:17

Start being unavailable now for arrangements. If DH asks you, then you're busy and either you can't do it or she'll need to contact you directly to work something out.

Don't go on her Facebook.

If Dh invites his family over make it clear he needs to check with you first. Make something up so the first date suggested doesn't work so they learn you aren't just sitting around waiting for them to light up your lives.

If and when you pull out of childcare direct FIL to DH. Be ready by having totted up exactly how much you've saved her on childcare without even a thank-you card to show for it. Let them know what your hourly rate is so how much your family has missed out on.

Other than that be polite but uninterested. Good luck!

StupidMistakes · 20/12/2013 13:37

Definitely stop the child care, she is using you as a free baby sitting service and expects you to drop and run for her, don't do it! It would be different if she treated you with respect for one and for two if she was actually grateful for you doing her favours.

Tell your DH that you don't feel able to look after her children as you have other things you wish to do

REMEMBER NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.

And quite frankly you don't need to justify why you cant or don't want to have her children to someone who wont even communicate directly with you.

HansieMom · 20/12/2013 14:54

Why wait until end of January? How about NOW?

NigellaLaw5on · 20/12/2013 19:51

Tell her to fuck off and find some other mug to be her personal child minder and while you're at it tell DH and FIL to fuck off and do it themselves if they're so concerned.
Do it NOW, you'll feel great as soon as you've stood your ground.

NettleTea · 20/12/2013 20:07

I second telling her asap, then they cant say you have left her no time to arrange an alternative.

fedup21 · 20/12/2013 20:21

Does she pay you to have her children? Why on earth would you do any favours for someone that treats you like that? I don't understand why you would ever agree in the first place.

RatherBeRiding · 20/12/2013 20:32

Never explain, never apologise.

You don't owe an explanation OR an apology to SIL and FIL. If your DH wants to know what's going on - be honest and say you're sick of his family treating you like an unpaid nanny. There's a lot to be said for telling it like it is. ;)

ChristmasJumperWearer · 20/12/2013 20:38

OP, sympathy - we were forced to change our wedding seating plan after SIL had a strop.

I wondered for a minute if you might be related, there are a lot of similarities (but don't worry, you're not.).

Good luck.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 20/12/2013 20:38

What Kundry and NigellaLaw5on said.

Flip

1 2