I just don't know what else to do..............

[Jammy12]

Hello everyone.

I've just come across these forums and, reading some of the posts, have decided to share my story with you, as I really don't have a sounding-board (so to speak) anywhere else and could do with some independent views of my situation.

I've never done anything like this before, so apologies if this rambles on for too long; ok, here goes:

I have two beautiful children with my wife, a 4yr old girl and an 18mth old boy.

My wife is beautiful; I didn't think I could ever love anyone as much as I do her, and I seem to love her more every day.

However, we have a major issue with our relationship and, in particular, our sex life.

I need to set the scene first though, to give you all a bit of background............

When my wife was pregnant with our daughter, at around six months she decided that because she wasn't getting enough rest, she needed to sleep in a separate bed (I have a very warm body and she said it was just too hot and she was restless, etc.) - "no probs" I said, as I would do anything for my wife so she is happy.

When our daughter was born, the separate bedrooms continued because our little one was not a good sleeper AT ALL.........up all night, etc.

"no probs" I said, because I knew how much my wife needed her sleep - I also spent many a night myself up with my daughter, with feeding, etc. to make sure my wife could rest.

Our daughter finally started sleeping through aged around 2 years old..........but the separate bedrooms continued and our sex-life was pretty much non-existent (once every other month, if that).

The only time it improved was when my wife wanted to get pregnant again, and it's the only time in the last five years that she has really wanted me (for sex).

Our little boy is not a good sleeper either, but is just starting to sleep through a bit more (he only woke once last night and I got him back to sleep quickly), yet the separate bedroom continues because, to quote my wife, she is "so tired all the time and needs sleep".

I should point out that my wife is anemic and has high blood loss at those times of the month, but can't take "normal" blood tablets due to side-effects; as a result, she has a lack of energy and (therefore) needs her rest - this is what she tells me, and it makes sense.

So, I understand this completely, to the extent that I researched online, found and bought her tablets that don't have the same side effects. I bought her 2 months supply...........that was about 4 months ago, and there are still 2/3rds of them left.

I should also point out that I come in from work (I run my own business), help make the kids dinner (if they haven't already eaten), help them with the bath, put the youngest to bed (whilst my wife does the eldest), go downstairs and wash up, sterilise the bottles for that day, and then make the dinner.

I take the youngest to Nursery and the eldest to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so my wife can get to work on time.

I do pretty much that same routine every day, Monday to Friday; at weekends the only change is that I don't go to work. There are exceptions when my work means I am late home.

I also help clean the house (hoovering and bathrooms, etc.), do my own washing and ironing, and recently have started helping with the kids washing so that my wife gets a rest from it.

My wife has previously said that she doesn't feel like herself and has no time for herself any more, which I understand as it's just kids, kids, kids when they are this young; so I organised a surprise Spa day for her recently which she loved (with her best friend) and have said she can do it whenever she wants and I will look after our youngest for those days.

I've pretty much done everything that my wife has asked of me (since our last "talk" about this issue) to make her life easier, yet the compromises I am making in my view are totally one-way.

I've told her before that it feels like I've gained two children and lost a wife; I really feel as if she could just replace me with a Nanny and her life would be no different. She said that she understood that view, but has since done nothing about it (in my view).

This isn't the marriage that I wanted, or ever dreamed I would have.

I've tried talking to her about it again last night, but she doesn't think anything is wrong and asks me to stop pressuring her into being intimate with me.

The problem is, if I didn't ask if she wanted an "early night", it would never happen; I'm not asking for much, say once a week, or every couple of weeks?

Five years of sleeping apart is killing me - we recently went nine months without sex, then had a big discussion when she said she knew she had to try harder, since when we've had sex five times in the last six months. She thinks this is normal, I don't.

I just don't know what else to do.................am I being unreasonable? I try to be the best husband and person I can be, but it just feels like nothing I do is enough to get back to anything like the relationship we once had.

I could never leave her, simply because I just couldn't do it to my beautiful children; so I'm basically stuck.

Thanks for listening.

J

You don't sound unreasonable. I think something important dies in a relationship when you're in separate bedrooms.... very sad. Sex aside, are you physically affectionate with each other? Hold hands? Cuddle on the sofa? Or is everything off the cards?

You aren't unreasonable, no. But she obviously doesn't want to have sex with you. So this needs to be discussed and you need to be prepared to come to some hard truths. A reluctant 'early night' once a month does neither of your self esteems any good, so it really needs to be wholehearted on both sides or not at all. I know you don't want to leave but what other options are there? A sexless marriage, or an open marriage? Neither are very appealing to my mind.

Cognito has asked what I was going to.

I can only speak for myself and my husband (having been through similar in the past) and say that for me, sex was an expression of love when I felt close to my husband. For my husband, sex was a way if trying to regain that closeness and that's why things were troubled for a while.

Add into that, having not had sex for a while led me to become scared to do it, I then had a mental block and dreaded it. This was nothing to do with how my husband was with me, everything to do with my own self confidence.

Our solution was to remember how to be close, the holding hands, hugging on the sofa, showing genuine pleasure and a big bear hug when we first saw each other after one of us had been out. Sex was very much in the back burner until we both realised we both loved each other and how to express that love without sex.

I'm so glad that was all it took for us, and from there we then progressed to not only loving regular sex to express our love, but also got comfy in being in last with one another too. Of course I should just point out that we only have one child which made it easier to focus on us as a couple and get time away from only being parents. It's difficult though. Good luck with finding your way on this x

Personally a relationship without sex is just a friendship, you are definitely not being unreasonable in wanting to express your love for your wife and vice versa, there's clearly a real problem here but unless she is willing to address it then you are stuck in limbo. She should at least hear you out and surely agree that something needs to be done to improve relations.

Thanks for the replies so far.

We have talked, she has listened, but just does nothing about it.

Cog/Joysmum - we don't hold hands much any more, we sit at separate ends of the sofa to watch TV (recliners), so yes, even that part is pretty much gone.

I'll try again to talk about it and suggest we start cuddling up on the sofa, etc. to see if it makes a difference.

The problem I have at the moment is that it's me doing or suggesting everything to change the situation and help her, and I'm starting to resent the fact that my wife doesn't appear to be doing anything for me.

I should also point out that when we do have sex, it's magical for both of us - she can be so passionate with me, but then I'm faced with weeks or months of nothing.

I was really looking forward to Christmas this year, as I thought we'd turned a corner recently (she had agreed to sleep in the same bed at weekends to get back into the groove), but it's gone awry again and we're back in separate beds every night; it will be the fifth year in a row I wake up in a different bed from my wife on Christmas day...........to be quite honest, I find that thought so upsetting.

Thanks again.

J

I think, when you get to this kind of point, there is so much that isn't being said, such a huge elephant in the room, that it becomes even more difficult for everyone to relax and be natural around each other. If she's totally switched off you're going to have to be crystal clear that cuddling or sleeping in the same bed is not just a preamble for sex ... it's because you miss physical closeness.

Why did sleeping in the same bed go awry this time?

cog again I totally agree.

For my husband and I, the turning point was in acknowledging we loved each other dearly and would like to get back to having a full and satisfying sex life, even if at that stage we didn't know how to.

I think if you can first get to the stage where both of you can say sincerely that you love one another and want to take small steps to improve your relationship then there's your start. It takes a lot if trust to be able to say you love one another but aren't as happy as you could be. There doesn't need to be blame attached, in fact you need to be careful not to attach blame. From there you try to work out between you the baby steps or the process you'll need to go through. As you've already discovered, a night of passionate fulfilling sex isn't the answer.

As said before, for us it was rediscovering our love and respect of each other and then developing the little details that allow to to express that love outside of sex. That's when the closeness will return and closeness makes sex as an expression of that more likely.

Cog - because she just decided to sleep in the other room again using the "Tired, need to sleep" reason.........

It's just exasperating - I have friends who have two young children, pretty much the same age, that sleep together every night and have sex at least twice a week.

I'm not asking for that, but her version of "normal" is literally poles apart from mine.

I even tried suggesting to her that sex, according to some of the articles I've read (albeit I'm wise enough to know you can probably take a large number of these with a pinch of salt), actually helps you relax due to the hormone release and also helps you cope with daily stress; but she just sighed, as if to suggest I would be bound to say that, just to get it more often.

J

You've talked, she's listened, but what does she say? why doesn't she want to have sex? And 'tired' is not a reason, IMO. (It is a reason for separate beds though, although I can see why that bothers you)

It sounds to me like your problem is not just a lack of sex, but a complete lack of any physical intimacy at all.

I agree with Cogito about the importance of going to bed together at night.

I know during long periods of basically no sex (I have no desire for sex when breastfeeding) that going to bed together every night was part of what kept us close.

I'm not at all surprised that you feel rejected and hurt and are starting to feel resentful.

If my husband wouldn't even share a bed with me I would find that very difficult.

Her unwillingness to even sleep next to you seems significant to me.

Has she ever explained that adequately?

Jammy, I feel for you I really do but quite frankly, if my hubby had said that to me I'd have felt worse.

I don't want sex to be able to relax or cope with stress. I only wanted to feel loved, appreciated, self confident, adored and part of a close marriage.

If my hubby had tried talking me into sex I'd have backed off more. Sexual urges need to be felt and can't be initiated by logical reasoning. I can think of no greater turn off. Sorry

Eirikur - she says she is too tired, that she lies in bed every night just waiting for our little boy to wake up and that this stresses her out (I get up and see to him at least half the time, like last night), and that when he sleeps through things should change. Other than that, she just can't explain it.

To be honest, I don't think she fancies me any more - I asked (about three months ago) what she thought when she looked at me and she said "well......big pause......I know I love you". When I look at her I still pinch myself at how beautiful she is; I have absolutely no qualms in saying she doesn't look at me like that at all any more (should point out, I'm still in shape - have always been one for exercise).

JYP - tiredness (due to stress) - it's the only excuse she uses.

But therein lies the problem - I spent hours online researching stuff to give her more energy - as I explained in my OP, she told me that she couldn't take normal iron tablets because of the side-effects, but when I find a possible solution (I know it's not guaranteed), she doesn't even seem to bother - when I question why she's not taking them regularly, I get an answer like "it's not a magic solution you know" - yes, I know that, but at least TRY, for your own good if nothing else!!

She doesn't want to be tired all the time, and I really do try to understand how that might feel, but if it was me and the roles were reversed, I would be doing anything and everything I could to get my energy levels back on track so that I could go someway towards satisfying my wife's needs.

I just don't think it's that important to her - easiest option is to just do nothing, sleep separately and expect it to get better at some point (and for me never to leave her because of the kids).

It really pains me to be writing this, and although I don't think she would ever admit it, I feel it's the truth.

J

Thanks for that reply Joysmum, that's really helpful.

I do my best to make her feel all of those things.

I tell her often that I adore her completely, that I love her, that she is an amazing Mum (she really is).

I won't ever mention such articles again!!

Can I just add, thanks to all of you for this - for a few years I've felt that I have nowhere to turn and no-one to speak to.

I know you are all just posters on a forum, but to just get views and opinions on my thoughts and situation is like a big weight off my shoulders..........

So thank you.

J

I wondered from what you have written whether she fancied you any more.

It certainly sounds like she doesn't WANT to have sex with you and using the sleeping in separate rooms as a way to make sure that it's less likely to happen.

She seems to be deliberately putting physical distance between you and withdrawing from any kind of physical relationship.

You have have a very physical relationship - kisses, handholding, hugs, sleeping next to one another - during a sex drought.

But you don't seem to have any of that.

The fact that you had to ask her to come back to your bed and she agreed just for weekends and then went back on it is quite extraordinary.

She's not being honest with you about how she feels. She's fobbing you off and that's very unfair.

She doesn't have to have sex with you if she doesn't want to.

But she should at least talk openly with you about what is happening in your marriage.

Has she been to see a GP about the chronic fatigue & stress? You say she's anaemic and can't take normal iron tablets but there may be other treatments... point being, does she think it's problematic enough to herself (and the knock on to the relationship) to ask for medical solutions and second opinions? No good you trawling the web for ideas really

My other point would be that the magazine article business was misjudged on your part. Sex/passion/physicality etc are not rational things where, if you present a convincing case, minds will be changed, They are expressions of emotion. Emotion has to be felt, not rationalised.

'well... big pause... I know I love you' does have a nail in the coffin ring to it, I'm afraid. Maybe you're both only in it for the kids now and no-one has the heart to be honest?

JYP - I ask her to talk openly, but she's not the kind of person that takes well to me questioning things she does (and I try my best not to criticise); for example, if I say I want her to try harder, she gets annoyed and says she is, then just clams up and won't talk. I've asked her to be honest and she says she is, that it's just tiredness - she really isn't the kind of person to deceive me either (I trust her implicitly) so this is why I'm so stuck, because when she says she doesn't want to be tired I believe her, but then I get so frustrated because she doesn't seem bothered about doing anything about it!

Cog - no she hasn't been to see the GP, but again, this is something I would have to suggest - she really doesn't see that our relationship is problematic, she thinks it's normal for our life together to be like this.

I'm certainly not only in it for the kids now - I don't want to be with anyone else, and I can't imagine my life without my kids in it every day, it would literally break me as a person - all three of them are my world.

J

"she really doesn't see that our relationship is problematic"

Have you told her how unhappy you are?

I know that might sound like a silly question, but you seem to be treating this as a campaign to convince her to have more regular sex, when in reality I think your problem is lack of any intimacy.

You don't sound sexually frustrated to me, you sound lonely.

Instead of asking her to "try harder" or giving her solutions to problems she doesn't think exist, maybe you should sit down and tell her that you are miserable in your marriage, that you miss her, that you feel rejected and lonely and that it's causing you great unhappiness.

She CAN'T dismiss that as not being a problem or as normal.

JYP,

Sorry if my posts come across that way (the sex campaign thing), that's really not my intention at all, I just want a normal intimate relationship, within which sex is one of many ways of expressing how we feel about each other.

"maybe you should sit down and tell her...........that you miss her, that you feel rejected and lonely and that it's causing you great unhappiness"

I have told her exactly that, many times; in fact I did so again last night.

Her response: "I know, I miss you too"

But nothing changes because her view is that nothing is wrong, so I'll just get over it (I guess?).

J

I second the suggestion to try your best to get your DW to the doctor. The anemia may be a bigger factor than she or you think. I mention this mainly as I had a friend who tried to leave her own family, convinced that the family would be better without her (despite everything and anything that was said to try and convince her to the contrary) and it turned out she was so anemic she was lucky not to fall down in the street. She ended up in hospital for a week and then went back home - very happily to the family she loved. Which is a long way of saying I've seen anemia turn someone's world view upside down. It had a long build up as well, so a lot of my friend's negativity with her family situation over a long period seemed to be largely related to her health condition. It didn't solve all the issues but it sorted out a lot of them, so I really would do all you can to push this.

Is there any chance your wife could be depressed? Lack of libido/not wanting to be physically close to someone is very common and the thought of having sex can actually be repulsive.

Well if you're never going to leave her no matter how bad things get between you, and she knows that, then I guess she's right that there's no problem here.

None that she has to concern herself with anyway.

She seems incredibly complacent.

HL - thanks, I'll try.

Bekind - I wouldn't even know how to bring that up with her.

I also wonder whether there is a depression/anxiety issue, if she 'goes to bed stressing about when the dc will wake up' this suggests she may be constantly 'wound up' by stress/anxiety which is itself exhausting.

Your post made me sad J. Mainly because there have been moments in our relationship when perhaps my dh has felt the same.Since I had dc I had lost the motivation for sex. I want to want it But im just not interested. it comes in phases and like a pp said o then get a mental block which prolongs the issue once its been a while. Its the one thing in our relationship that isn't great. no relationship is perfect. But it's somthing I consciously make an effort to work on with dh. I let him know honestly when im feeling low and stressed and he knows that I struggle not to withdraw during those periods. When I come through them the sex is great as you say and its easier to get back into a routine. Its somthing we spoke in depth about before tying the knot recently. but you're talking about the same thing but on an entirely different level. 5 years of no communication, intimacy or general care-free signs of affection. That's a long time.

perhaps you need to seriously consider the prospect of a sexless marriage, if your certain you won't leave. But really, really consider this. It may be that you begin harbouring a deep buried resentment and honestly- your kids won't benefit from that either.

the horrible . truth may be that she doesn't fancy you, but won't leave for the same reasons. Or she's anemic and depressed. (you mention she talked about no time for herself etc)