I just don't know what else to do..............

[Jammy12]

Hello everyone.

I've just come across these forums and, reading some of the posts, have decided to share my story with you, as I really don't have a sounding-board (so to speak) anywhere else and could do with some independent views of my situation.

I've never done anything like this before, so apologies if this rambles on for too long; ok, here goes:

I have two beautiful children with my wife, a 4yr old girl and an 18mth old boy.

My wife is beautiful; I didn't think I could ever love anyone as much as I do her, and I seem to love her more every day.

However, we have a major issue with our relationship and, in particular, our sex life.

I need to set the scene first though, to give you all a bit of background............

When my wife was pregnant with our daughter, at around six months she decided that because she wasn't getting enough rest, she needed to sleep in a separate bed (I have a very warm body and she said it was just too hot and she was restless, etc.) - "no probs" I said, as I would do anything for my wife so she is happy.

When our daughter was born, the separate bedrooms continued because our little one was not a good sleeper AT ALL.........up all night, etc.

"no probs" I said, because I knew how much my wife needed her sleep - I also spent many a night myself up with my daughter, with feeding, etc. to make sure my wife could rest.

Our daughter finally started sleeping through aged around 2 years old..........but the separate bedrooms continued and our sex-life was pretty much non-existent (once every other month, if that).

The only time it improved was when my wife wanted to get pregnant again, and it's the only time in the last five years that she has really wanted me (for sex).

Our little boy is not a good sleeper either, but is just starting to sleep through a bit more (he only woke once last night and I got him back to sleep quickly), yet the separate bedroom continues because, to quote my wife, she is "so tired all the time and needs sleep".

I should point out that my wife is anemic and has high blood loss at those times of the month, but can't take "normal" blood tablets due to side-effects; as a result, she has a lack of energy and (therefore) needs her rest - this is what she tells me, and it makes sense.

So, I understand this completely, to the extent that I researched online, found and bought her tablets that don't have the same side effects. I bought her 2 months supply...........that was about 4 months ago, and there are still 2/3rds of them left.

I should also point out that I come in from work (I run my own business), help make the kids dinner (if they haven't already eaten), help them with the bath, put the youngest to bed (whilst my wife does the eldest), go downstairs and wash up, sterilise the bottles for that day, and then make the dinner.

I take the youngest to Nursery and the eldest to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so my wife can get to work on time.

I do pretty much that same routine every day, Monday to Friday; at weekends the only change is that I don't go to work. There are exceptions when my work means I am late home.

I also help clean the house (hoovering and bathrooms, etc.), do my own washing and ironing, and recently have started helping with the kids washing so that my wife gets a rest from it.

My wife has previously said that she doesn't feel like herself and has no time for herself any more, which I understand as it's just kids, kids, kids when they are this young; so I organised a surprise Spa day for her recently which she loved (with her best friend) and have said she can do it whenever she wants and I will look after our youngest for those days.

I've pretty much done everything that my wife has asked of me (since our last "talk" about this issue) to make her life easier, yet the compromises I am making in my view are totally one-way.

I've told her before that it feels like I've gained two children and lost a wife; I really feel as if she could just replace me with a Nanny and her life would be no different. She said that she understood that view, but has since done nothing about it (in my view).

This isn't the marriage that I wanted, or ever dreamed I would have.

I've tried talking to her about it again last night, but she doesn't think anything is wrong and asks me to stop pressuring her into being intimate with me.

The problem is, if I didn't ask if she wanted an "early night", it would never happen; I'm not asking for much, say once a week, or every couple of weeks?

Five years of sleeping apart is killing me - we recently went nine months without sex, then had a big discussion when she said she knew she had to try harder, since when we've had sex five times in the last six months. She thinks this is normal, I don't.

I just don't know what else to do.................am I being unreasonable? I try to be the best husband and person I can be, but it just feels like nothing I do is enough to get back to anything like the relationship we once had.

I could never leave her, simply because I just couldn't do it to my beautiful children; so I'm basically stuck.

Thanks for listening.

J

I'd say - forget about what's 'normal' and focus on what works for the two of you. Separate beds + better sleep for both of you might work better [nothing to stop you starting off in the same bed or arriving in the same bed for early morning sex] than focusing on it being 'normal' to share a bed.

What's she doing during the day? Is she working/not working? Does she want to change what she's doing? Do you want to change from what you're doing employment wise?

Intimacy/sex isn't a simple equation of make partner happy = get more sex - her health is her own concern, if you're appearing to show concern for her health by buying different medication that might help, with the underlying aim of making her more willing to have sex with you, that's probably not helpful - where was the choice for her in considering whether this medication would be worth trying? [I'm not saying you're wrong about it, I'm saying she's an adult and her health is for her to manage with the assistance of her doctors and if she's not asked you to help by researching stuff online, it's presumptious to just purchase something with the expectation she'll take it.]

• same with the spa thing - very nice thing to do, if she likes that sort of thing, but will be tainted in her head if she thinks you've done it just because you want more sex.

Ultimately you can only control your own behaviour; if she doesn't want as much sex as you and that's a dealbreaker for you then the only thing you can do is end the relationship (or possibly renegotiate it so you can both have other sexual partners whilst staying together but that would require really good communication skills for both of you and seems less likely as an option)

I've got a very strong feeling reading between the lines of your posts, OP, that your wife is anxious/depressed - which could make her libido dwindle to nothing. No wonder she loved the spa day!

Does she have outside interests to help take her mind off things? Does she ever talk about the future in positive terms? Do you have a shared sense of humour? Does she even find anything amusing anymore?

There are a few things I'd suggest

Firstly encourage your DW to go the GP and get her iron levels tested again and B6/12. Intolerance of iron tablets is very common but there are some brands that are much better or she could try to up her iron through food.

You say in your OP that you are a hot person and she initially left the bed for that reason, so I'd suggest investing in 100% cotton/wool bed clothes, preferably cellular blankets (like the sort babies have) as they are almost impossible to overheat in. Being too hot will physically stop you sleeping. Be warned though those blankets don't come cheap.

Also I'd agree with your DW that there will be no sex for at least 6 months, probably longer. In the meantime focus on just restoring some physical intimacy by kissing, holding hands, cuddling (chuck your stupid recliners). Do not refer to anything to do with sex in that time and stop complimenting her physical appearance (it's too open to being seen as loaded with an ulterior motive=sex). Concentrate on who your DW is. Her personality, her interests, her conversation.

Next, is there anyone who can look after the kids for a morning, afternoon, day, eve? Not overnight. Go out. Have fun. Or just pass the time together. Get away from ruddy parenting all the time.

Once you get to the summer raise how you feel again, if you still do. Then at least you will know you've tried pretty much everything you can and if your DW feels the same then you know where you stand and are likely to remain. Then you have a clearer choice.

In a similar situation here Jammy, I feel for you and could've written a very similar OP myself. I've been looking in to coping strategies recently and one of those suggested counselling. I've had a few sessions now and it is helpful, do you think this could be an option for you? It would take the pressure off your DW for a bit and allow you to explore your own feelings, personality, wants and needs.

One thing that it has opened my eyes to is how poor I am at communicating my feelings, and how similar my DW is to me in this respect. We both withdraw and attempt to avoid conflict to an extent that greivances rarely get resolved. This hasn't been a massive problem over the course of our relationship because we do have similar views, opinions and mindsets, however it does mean that disagreements generate resentment because they never get talked about. In my case (as yours) it is the lack of fulfilling sex life following pregnancy and having young children around. If we had communicated better then I think my understanding would've been a lot better and the resentment I feel would not have built up. It's something I'm working on and I need to speak to DW about how we deal with conflict avoidance in the future. I'm just building up the courage to do that!

So, in a roundabout way, could it be that the talks you've had with your DW just haven't been very successful because she doesn't see the impact it's having on you? Or vice versa - have you not understood the scale of the problems she's facing and the way your behaviour (or hers for that matter) has aggravated/minimised it? It sounds like you've done a awful lot to help her out with actions, but there may need to be an equivalent amount of work on the mental/emotional front too.

It is difficult to self analyse I know, and sometimes the answers you get are painful, but in the longer term it may be something you need to do.

She doesn't sound tired to me, she sounds like she has either checked out of the marriage, or is depressed.

OP: Keep doing the things you're doing. I know (from personal experience) that there's a tendancy to want to fix things, so you end up obsessing and over-analysing.

What you need to do, is set out your stall in as rational a way as possible (please don't make it sound like an ultimatum) and let your wife take responsibility for her action/in-action. By all means suggest things (but once you have, don't go on about it) but let her take responsiblity for making the changes she recognises are required. In the event that she doesn't (and I'd say 6 months would be a reasonable timeframe to start seeing some change), I'm afraid you'll know that she's just not as invested in the maariage as you are.

In the meaintime, find something else to focus on.

I saw a sex/relationship therapist talking on tv recently and what she said made a lot of sense - Your wife doesn't want to feel the way she does but has no idea how not to feel this way, she said it's almost always to do with past issues and that (often subconciously) withholding sex can be the only kind of control a woman has over her life.
Having 2 under fives, especially ones who don't sleep well , can leave a woman feeling not only exhausted but useless, as if it's her fault somehow that her children aren't "perfect".
Having sex once a month or less is also far more normal when you have a young family than twice a week. She's no doubt scared of showing intimacy for fear of "leading you on" so it becomes a vicious circle, perhaps she feels that any show of affection will be taken by you as a green light for sex.

everything bela said.

Jammy, This sleeping in different beds has to stop, it's not normal. Your youngest needs to start getting into a bedtime routine now. Something that you can help out with. This will take away that excuse.
Then somehow, you both need to start sleeping in the same bed as this is not normal, can you not open the window, have a fan?

I think I know that you will take the sex thing gently with her once you are both sleeping together again.

What is normal, from my perspective is
"it feels like I've gained two children and lost a wife"
I preferred to say my wife became the mother of our children.

I'd felt like this for years, and to an extent it's true. Our DC are 14 and 10 now and are much more independant so over the last few years my wife has made a re appearance.

Good luck Jammy, you will find a way through this.

During the time when my son was waking in the night, even when my husband helped out at nights, I would describe myself as chronically sleep deprived and stressed as a result. The concept of 'fancying' anyone just was dead to me, I could barely look at my husband let alone think about having sex. Sex once a month was good going during that period. Do you have nights when it is 100% you dealing with any wakings and she has earplugs in? if not, you need to offer that a couple of nights a week. If I was you I'd do a bribe and say that you'll do those nights in return for bed sharing on all the other nights. In fact could you let her regularly spend anight from home? I'm trying to think of things that would have truly made an impact for me during my most tired times. If you are committed to staying with her I'd say it is worth offering radical levels of help re sleep to help lift her out of this.

I'd check out of any relationship where a partner BOUGHT MEDICATION for me

Wow I thought this was my partner for a minute op! We are in the same boat 2young kids and separate beds.I co sleep with youngest and prefer it hubby doesn't like it we're muddling through it has caused arguments and my sex drive has never been this low before even after our first dd. I wondered about anaemia and have taken multi vits. Don't think I'm depressed but tiered sometimes yes!but all part of the deal and it doesn't bother me too much. I will admit there are relationship problems which runs of

Stupid phone wouldn't let me write properly! Sorry meant we have relationship problems which stop me wanting to be close to him. Since our Ds was born I have lost a lot of love for him feel unsupported by him even tho he works hard and does a lot there are big things he just never got!! More important thaw housework. But never mind. Sex turns my stomach mostly now and yes I stay in a different bed because it's easier to avoid it then. I wouldn't argue if dp said he was leaving. Sad for the kids and the broken family but so happy for me! I'm not sure wen my feelings got this bad now I've written it down. .