How do you cope after an affair?

[drinkyourmilk]

I found out my fiancé was seeing someone else for the first 7 years we were together! It's now nearly 11 years. So he has only managed 4 years of fidelity.
I'm so messed up. I don't know what to think or feel or say. I've only told a couple of people and one said that as it was so long ago and he obviously chose me then I've nothing to worry about. But I'm so angry, and sad, and confused and numb. To me this is very new.
How am I supposed to deal with it?

[drinkyourmilk]

I'm going because although logically I can see what people are saying is true, and nothing I haven't thought myself, it's hard to not remember how I've felt for the past 11 years. And how I feel about my oh, even though he has behaved unforgivably.
I need to talk to someone who can help me unmuddle everything and find a way forward for myself as a person.

[doasyouwouldbedoneby]

Have to agree with Phalenopsis

[CarryOnDancing]

This sounds like a nightmare that has come true. It's unbelievable and I'm so sorry you've discovered this.

For me, the biggest aspect would be that the love you feel for him, simply isn't for him. It's for the person he portrayed and pretended to be. You are in love with an idea, a concept, not the actual person who you are now with.

How can someone live two lives for all that time?!
What was your living situation during all this time? What was your relationship like? Was it full of plans for the future but just couldn't happen immediately because of your work situation? He really struck it lucky (or unlucky depending on how you look at it) by finding his soulmate AND being able to have someone to comfort him whilst he "waited for you".
I wouldn't feel that happy or comforted by the idea that I was "chosen" in this situation.

Counselling sounds like a great idea but I think I'd go alone first to get my head straight with it all. I'd imagine you then wouldn't need couples counselling as you'd have the strength to take this situation back and move on to someone who only wants you and no backups!

[MerryFuckingChristmas]

OP, were you meant to be gratified and flattered that he "chose you" ?

That doesn't sound AT ALL like he is "saying all the right things...."

In fact, there is no "right" about this situation at all

[EirikurNoromaour]

Seven years! seven years!
Your whole relationship has been false!

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

Run, run like the wind! Get as much of an air gap between you and that man as you can in as short a time as you can.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry you've been landed with this bombshell OP. Right now you'll be in shock and finding it difficult to square the truth with the person presenting themselves in front of you who, to all intents and purposes, appears to be just the same. You will be craving normality whilst knowing that nothing would be normal again. Your future plans, once crystal clear, are now muddy.

Seven years of deception is no mean feat. Requires guile, organisation and a total absence of conscience on his part. That you're being told it's all over is immaterial. Someone who can lie that convincingly and for so long can't be believed. That you were 'chosen' over your rival is pretty poor consolation.

I would strongly suggest you spend a decent amount of time apart from this person, have the counselling if you wish, but mostly take the opportunity to clear your head, think about all those early signs that you dismissed, and work out how you actually feel.

Good luck

[tribpot]

Surely you were the OW, OP. Not intentionally of course, but the other woman seems to have been his acknowledged girlfriend (whilst you were, in fact, engaged to him all that time? )

Were there any other women during this 11 year period? It might be worth talking to his other girlfriend to get her perspective.

You're right that it's easy for him to stay with you - he may change his tune if he discovers in counselling he has to confront the reasons why he kept two women on the go for an unbelievable seven YEARS. And what he intends to do to regain your trust. Because it isn't you who has to work to save this, it's him.

I don't think I could be with someone who was capable of that level of deception, OP. That would be the dealbreaker for me.

[Fairenuff]

The truth is that you don't know this man. He is like a complete stranger to you in that everything so far has been a lie.

Have a break from the relationship. Tell him that you don't know if you want to be with him and you need some time away to think.

Go to counselling on your own to talk through all this. Look after yourself, you are worth so much more than this meagre excuse for a man.

[noddyholder]

I would be interested to know who ended the other relationship and why if I were you although I suspect getting the truth out of him will be virtually impossible. A 7 year double life is verging on psychopathic tbh

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Don't let this lying prick anywhere near your counselling.

[Trigglesx]

I asked him why he 'chose' in the end. He said because I was moving back to the UK and he realised I was the one.

OP read that back to yourself a few times. He was forced to choose because you moved back to the UK. Now ask yourself this... if you hadn't moved back at that point, would he still be seeing both of you? I suspect you know that answer is most likely yes.

Do you really want to be with someone who thinks this is okay?

[tribpot]

And (not wishing to pile on), if you only returned to the UK 'for him', consider whether he felt guilty and hence made his choice.

Do you know for a fact he is no longer seeing the other woman? (Or any other woman). Are there any unexplained absences, possessiveness over his phone?