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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do you cope after an affair?

38 replies

drinkyourmilk · 18/12/2013 19:28

I found out my fiancé was seeing someone else for the first 7 years we were together! It's now nearly 11 years. So he has only managed 4 years of fidelity.
I'm so messed up. I don't know what to think or feel or say. I've only told a couple of people and one said that as it was so long ago and he obviously chose me then I've nothing to worry about. But I'm so angry, and sad, and confused and numb. To me this is very new.
How am I supposed to deal with it?

OP posts:

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tribpot · 19/12/2013 10:36

And (not wishing to pile on), if you only returned to the UK 'for him', consider whether he felt guilty and hence made his choice.

Do you know for a fact he is no longer seeing the other woman? (Or any other woman). Are there any unexplained absences, possessiveness over his phone?

Trigglesx · 19/12/2013 10:17

I asked him why he 'chose' in the end. He said because I was moving back to the UK and he realised I was the one.

OP read that back to yourself a few times. He was forced to choose because you moved back to the UK. Now ask yourself this... if you hadn't moved back at that point, would he still be seeing both of you? I suspect you know that answer is most likely yes.

Do you really want to be with someone who thinks this is okay?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/12/2013 09:09

Don't let this lying prick anywhere near your counselling.

noddyholder · 19/12/2013 08:48

I would be interested to know who ended the other relationship and why if I were you although I suspect getting the truth out of him will be virtually impossible. A 7 year double life is verging on psychopathic tbh

Fairenuff · 19/12/2013 08:30

The truth is that you don't know this man. He is like a complete stranger to you in that everything so far has been a lie.

Have a break from the relationship. Tell him that you don't know if you want to be with him and you need some time away to think.

Go to counselling on your own to talk through all this. Look after yourself, you are worth so much more than this meagre excuse for a man.

tribpot · 19/12/2013 07:39

Surely you were the OW, OP. Not intentionally of course, but the other woman seems to have been his acknowledged girlfriend (whilst you were, in fact, engaged to him all that time? )

Were there any other women during this 11 year period? It might be worth talking to his other girlfriend to get her perspective.

You're right that it's easy for him to stay with you - he may change his tune if he discovers in counselling he has to confront the reasons why he kept two women on the go for an unbelievable seven YEARS. And what he intends to do to regain your trust. Because it isn't you who has to work to save this, it's him.

I don't think I could be with someone who was capable of that level of deception, OP. That would be the dealbreaker for me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/12/2013 07:18

I'm sorry you've been landed with this bombshell OP. Right now you'll be in shock and finding it difficult to square the truth with the person presenting themselves in front of you who, to all intents and purposes, appears to be just the same. You will be craving normality whilst knowing that nothing would be normal again. Your future plans, once crystal clear, are now muddy.

Seven years of deception is no mean feat. Requires guile, organisation and a total absence of conscience on his part. That you're being told it's all over is immaterial. Someone who can lie that convincingly and for so long can't be believed. That you were 'chosen' over your rival is pretty poor consolation.

I would strongly suggest you spend a decent amount of time apart from this person, have the counselling if you wish, but mostly take the opportunity to clear your head, think about all those early signs that you dismissed, and work out how you actually feel.

Good luck

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 18/12/2013 21:34

Run, run like the wind! Get as much of an air gap between you and that man as you can in as short a time as you can.

EirikurNoromaour · 18/12/2013 21:16

Seven years! seven years!
Your whole relationship has been false!

MerryFuckingChristmas · 18/12/2013 20:57

OP, were you meant to be gratified and flattered that he "chose you" ?

That doesn't sound AT ALL like he is "saying all the right things...."

In fact, there is no "right" about this situation at all

CarryOnDancing · 18/12/2013 20:56

This sounds like a nightmare that has come true. It's unbelievable and I'm so sorry you've discovered this.

For me, the biggest aspect would be that the love you feel for him, simply isn't for him. It's for the person he portrayed and pretended to be. You are in love with an idea, a concept, not the actual person who you are now with.

How can someone live two lives for all that time?!
What was your living situation during all this time? What was your relationship like? Was it full of plans for the future but just couldn't happen immediately because of your work situation? He really struck it lucky (or unlucky depending on how you look at it) by finding his soulmate AND being able to have someone to comfort him whilst he "waited for you".
I wouldn't feel that happy or comforted by the idea that I was "chosen" in this situation.

Counselling sounds like a great idea but I think I'd go alone first to get my head straight with it all. I'd imagine you then wouldn't need couples counselling as you'd have the strength to take this situation back and move on to someone who only wants you and no backups!

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 18/12/2013 20:40

Have to agree with Phalenopsis

drinkyourmilk · 18/12/2013 20:39

I'm going because although logically I can see what people are saying is true, and nothing I haven't thought myself, it's hard to not remember how I've felt for the past 11 years. And how I feel about my oh, even though he has behaved unforgivably.
I need to talk to someone who can help me unmuddle everything and find a way forward for myself as a person.

OP posts:

Phalenopsis · 18/12/2013 20:35

Good. There have been people on here who've done exactly that and lived to regret it that's all.

I'm surprised you're even bothering to go to counselling. For me, there wouldn't be anything to counsel.

drinkyourmilk · 18/12/2013 20:33

I have used this counsellor before. For CBT, for anxiety and depression. Not from a church!

OP posts:

MerryFuckingChristmas · 18/12/2013 20:33

Obviously you can't, because the whole foundation of your relationship was a lie

drinkyourmilk · 18/12/2013 20:31

He is saying all the right things. Eager to go to counselling yada yada. However it's just words. I go from feeling angry to teary to numb.
I'm not sure if I believe him.
Maybe it's just easier for him to stay with me than not? For me to stay would be the harder road.
It just seems so unfair that I've done nothing wrong yet I'm the one hurt in the first place and I'm the one that has to deal with it (emotionally) if it's going to work.
I'm wondering if it's actually like starting a new relationship, because how can I ever trust anything from the before?

OP posts:

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 18/12/2013 20:31

He "chose" you because he knew he could not continue with his double life when you were home.
If he could have continued having his cake and eating it l am sure you would still be the OW today.
I am so sorry that your entire relationship has been built on a lie

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 18/12/2013 20:29

Yep
Spineless cheating prick

Phalenopsis · 18/12/2013 20:28

We are going to see a counsellor (who I know and trust) on 27th

Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick here but what do you mean by 'know'? It's not through a church is it?

I ask because there are individuals who are church 'counsellors' who aren't counsellors at all and have a very specific agenda.

Fairenuff · 18/12/2013 20:25

Oh there is so much to sort out here. His family thought that she was his girlfriend.

And you were his friend.

You seriously need to think about whether you actually want to be with him. I don't see how you could ever get over this much deceit.

What does he have to say about it all?

drinkyourmilk · 18/12/2013 20:23

I asked him why he 'chose' in the end. He said because I was moving back to the UK and he realised I was the one.
He is a spineless prick isn't he?

OP posts:

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EirikurNoromaour · 18/12/2013 20:19

Ummm
Don't marry him. That's my only advice.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 18/12/2013 20:19

He hadn't told them he was in a relationship with you, and made out he was in one with her ?

then yes, you are the OW

drinkyourmilk · 18/12/2013 20:18

His family knew her, I worked away from the area, in other countries at points in fact, so while they knew of me- they thought I was his friend only.

OP posts:

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