Fallout from an affair that didn't happen, advice requested and would be much appreciated

[Cherubino]

This is a long story (a novel?), and I'm sorry to take such a long time to explain, but I don't know how to describe it in fewer words, as it's complex. I hope I don't come across as some self-obsessed narcissist (I know there is a war in Syria, etc), but if so, please break the news gently! If anyone is patient enough to read through, I would really appreciate their advice.

I know that affairs shouldn't happen, but there are many reasons why they do. This is the background to my problem: I have been with my husband for 23 years and we have two sons. Eighteen or so years ago, despite loving and caring for my husband, I lost all physical attraction to him. We went through counselling, I read everything going, I did everything I could to put things right. My husband understandably didn't want to face up to the truth and he still wants physical relations regularly. I come from a broken home and just don't want the same for my boys. I realised it would destroy our lovely family if I didn't try to overcome the problem, so for 18 years, I have pretended to enjoy physical relations with my husband, though inside it kills me and it gets more difficult each day, as it feels incestuous and dishonest. I feel hugely guilty and experience self-loathing frequently. I have looked at all the options in depth over the years and decided many years ago to sacrifice the sexual element to keep our family together. My husband is the kindest, most loving man and I know I'm lucky to have him. We get on well a lot of the time and I don't really want to be with anyone else, but it's very, very hard to forego the pleasure of passion. Up until 5 years ago, though, I had never even considered an affair.

But then, five or so years ago, I came across the business profile of a man who I had been very attracted to when I was eighteen. At eighteen, we didn't sleep together, but came close to it. For various reasons, it never happened and as far as I was aware when I contacted him, he was still with his wife of many years. However, when he emailed his reply, I found out he had had an affair which broke up his first marriage and then remarried. He was pleased to hear from me and we agreed to meet up. I asked my husband if he was okay about me meeting up with this man, who I described as an old friend. My husband was fine about it. I will call the old friend 'Simon', though that's not his real name.

Simon and I met up and it was enjoyable, and totally platonic - initially. We continued to meet very occasionally (he is very busy in a senior management role that involves huge amounts of travelling), for long walks, which we both enjoy. On our second meeting, he asked me about my marriage. I avoided commenting but he fished and I was eventually honest about my difficulties. He said I should have an affair, but he didn't say with him. Not long after, though, he started making comments about being attracted to me. Up until that point, I honestly hadn't dared even think about that aspect. I knew he was remarried and had assumed he was happy with his second marriage. Once he started showing signs of attraction, though, I started to get hooked back in to feeling very attracted to him. On our second meeting (months later), he started holding my hand, and making a few non-platonic comments. To try to summarise: eventually - many more months later - things culminated in him finally sending me a sexually explicit email which blew my mind and which I responded to in similar fashion. Immediately afterwards, he then sent me a brutally blunt email saying that 'e-flirting was okay, but this was not e-flirting' and that he was a married man and was worried about losing access to his daughter if his wife found out. It may sound stupid, but that was the most initmate enounter I'd had with anyone else in 18 or so years, and for me, it was tantamount to sleeping with someone. I felt absolutely devastated, humiliated and very angry that he had falsely led me on to be so intimate with him (knowing my marriage problems) and to think that we would take things further, even though I could understand his point of view. It nearly broke the friendship, but I forgave him. We agreed to just be friends.

Two years passed and we emailed intermittently. He then made attempts to meet up again, but I was very cautious. In October this year, we finally met up. He apologised for what had happened two years ago and explained that he just panicked. He then said that though he had a daughter he loved, a wife he didn't argue with, lots of money and loved his job, he was 'screaming inside'. He told me he still had feelings for me and wanted to sleep with me, if I was still open to the idea. I was really shocked and confused, but also elated in one way - in another, I was angry he just dropped this on me again, after all my work to adjust to being friends. I asked if he meant it and he confirmed he did. I was too confused to be able to explain all this to him, though. But, before we parted, we sat in his car, and I encouraged him put his hand up my thigh. He touched me and said some very explicit things. I was completely overcome with emotion and desire. I had to go, but he left me with the impression he was going to arrange a 'lunch' date, ie we would go to a hotel together.

Following that, I became obsessed with the idea of having an affair with him but also very anxious to the point of feeling ill and unable to cope. I emailed him (we don't phone, partly time but mostly because it would alarm him due to his wife finding out), explaining my anxiety after all the distress two years ago, and asking him to be honest about whether he really wanted an affair. I poured out my affection and told him how much I desired him. He took ten days to reply, saying he 'wasn't ignoring me, he was just travelling a lot' and he would reply when he could 'catch his breath'. I was very disappointed and quite shocked at the flatness of his response, but I sent an email saying I understood and would wait. Two more weeks went by, and I heard nothing. I chased a reply from him, I was polite but a little curt. He finally replied very apologietcally that he'd been busy with work but the main issue had been a health scare and a minor op to remove a polyp. The surgeon was 99% certain it was benign, but he was awaiting results. He said that was why he hadn't had chance to reply to my email as his mind had been on his health. I replied that I totally understood, tried to reassure him (I had been through the same health scare twice myself, plus my father had bowel cancer) and apologised for chasing a reply, but explained to him again that I hadn't realised his health situation and had been anxious about whether or not things were going to happen between us. I asked him to let me know when he had his results and offered to meet up with him if he was available. I received no reply. Two more weeks went by and I knew he must have had his results (private healthcare is a lot faster than NHS).

During that time, I became frenzied with anxiety, and incensed that he hadn't even told me his results (but suspecting he was fine from what the surgeon had said previously). I was angry and frustrated that he still hadn't answered my basic question about what was going to happen between us, despite me explaining my anxiety. I ended up sending him a very angry and rather sarcastic email, saying that while I understood he was busy and I was sympathetic to his health scare, he had ignored me, had not told me his health results - despite recently saying he wanted to sleep with me - and had avoided answering my basic question about wanting an affair or not. I also said I felt humiliated after pouring out my feelings in an email, only to be told he was 'too busy' to reply. Basically, I went off the deep end and made a personal jibe about him not being as 'red-blooded' as he liked to boast about being. I told him he'd messed me around in the same way twice now, and I wouldn't forgive him, I was no longer attracted to him (a complete lie, due to my anger) and considered our friendship at an end. He replied just 8 minutes later (the fastest reply I have ever had from him), saying he'd just been very busy with work and had had a bad health scare, was sorry I felt that way, and sorry that my marriage was making me so unhappy. He said about the friendship ending: 'As you wish.' While he had the 'fondest feelings' for me, maybe I was right - he just 'didn't have the time and maybe not the inclination'.

I was devastated again at his response - I suppose I'd hoped he would attempt to make amends. I re-read my email and it was so angry he must have felt attacked and horrified by my naked display of emotion. I took his reply to mean he was happy to end things, and so I didn't contact him. Two weeks later, I realise that while we can't and shouldn't have an affair, I am desperately unhappy to lose his friendship, so I emailed an apology, explaining how upset and hurt I was, saying I'd made a mistake in ending the friendship (or whatever it was) and asking if we could just revert to being friends, and that I still loved and wanted his company, could we just meet up for a walk and email occasionally, rather than never seeing one another again. I have had no reply. He has quite an ego but it covers up insecurity, and I'm worried that my negative remarks about him not being 'red-blooded', and me losing my attraction for him will finish our friendship forever.

My whole marriage issues aside (please, I have been beating myself up about them enough, I don't need others to do it for me): please could anyone who understands just tell me if I've behaved like some horrible, hysterical, demanding diva with Simon, or if it was understandable for me to send an angry email given the circumstances? I have now tried to put it right with an apology, but I think I should leave it at that; I know he would be horrified if I tried to phone him. I realise I have probably lost the friendship, but I forgave him previously for really hurting me badly twice. I still feel as though he badly humiliated me and let me down, but I know he just wouldn't see it in that way and will have been amazed to get my angry email. I can't decide anymore if this man is benign but just totally unaware of how he impacts on my feelings (my own belief) or just a total selfish arse. But I honestly do know him well enough to say he's not the type to just leap into bed with any woman, so I know he wasn't just being totally shallow about suggesting an affair with me.

Having had eight years of isolation in a small village, and now having moved to a new area 250 miles away, I am very isolated again and have no one to talk to about all this. I feel vulnerable and lonely, although I am doing all I can to make friends. I realise I have written a novel, and I am very sorry for presuming on other mumsnetter's time, if you have reached this far, that is!

I would really appreciate just knowing if I have behaved badly towards Simon, or if you agree that I have justifiable cause to have sent my angry email. If anyone has read all this, a huge thank you for your time, it is much appreciated.

Also, I do agree that counselling for you alone may help you to find the right way forward.

Cherubino can I ask why you lost interest in your husband sexually after 5 years of marriage? I'm guessing it's something you've explored in the counselling you've had. It just strikes me as quite a sudden change and you're use of the word 'incestuous' when describing sex with him is a little odd. Do you see him as a family member rather than a partner? If so, what brought about that change? You clearly didn't view him that way at the start.

I genuinely feel a lot of sympathy for you. It must be frustrating to be in a marriage with someone you don't fancy and for your only sexual release to be going through the motions while thinking 'ugh'.

Having said that, as you've discovered, an affair won't be the answer. My best guess at Simon's psyche is that he is a serial adulterer, realised that you were vulnerable and would have been happy to shag you until it became obvious from your emails that you were getting emotionally over invested and decided to cut his losses because that's not what he wants.

I agree with other posters that you ought to go to counselling on your own, either to deal with the issues that have made your husband so unattractive to you in the first place (as it seems to have come from your head rather than anything he did, unless you're not telling us something) or to build up your self-esteem sufficiently that you will do the best for everyone which is to end your marriage if you are this unhappy.

mixxymops, many thanks for your post and apologies for my delay in reply (Christmas, children now at home, etc!!). I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with a similar issue, especially with young children to consider. I appreciate how very difficult that must be.

Your very honest account is comforting in the sense that you speak from a similar position to myself and with that comes a fuller understanding. I am glad you agree that splitting up with my husband is not the right answer. My husband is more than aware that I struggle with the physical side of the relationship, but he doesn't want to address it. I have talked about the possibility of an open relationship but he doesn't want that. That's as honest as I can risk being without destroying everything between us. It must be soul destroying for him and I feel dreadful guilt and sadness for him, but I have tried to be at least partially honest. He can choose to leave me if he decides to, but I hope that, like me, he values our family life enough to carry on as we are.

Just looking at some of the other threads on mumsnet, it's not difficult to see that perfect relationships simply don't exist. Some get a lot closer than many, but the reality is that many relationships just don't work that well. Counselling can be useful and can even improve things temporarily, but it doesn't necessarily solve the problem ultimately. Splitting up can prove the right solution for some, but in my - admittedly limited experience - it often leads to worse situations for those involved. I have too many lonely single friends struggling to meet any decent partners. Later life has enough challenges - facing the prospect of old age without someone you at least love/care deeply for, even if you're not sexually attracted to them, is to me a very sad, depressing idea.

TreaterAnita, many thanks for your kind post and my apologies for the delay in response.

In response to your question, my loss of interest wasn't sudden, it was fairly gradual. It began after about three years, fairly intermittently, then after five years or so, it began to be more of an issue. We struggled along for a few more years, hoping it would resolve itself, but eventually we sought couple counselling. We both found the counselling very difficult - we tried a Relate counsellor, initially. Relate messed us around and changed our counsellor after a few weeks. We found them very money-grabbing (their fees were extortionate in our view) and not that helpful. In fact, the Relate counsellor I saw by myself in the initial half hour interview (before we started) was a horrible, deeply unsympathetic individual who said straight off: 'You're obviously just in the wrong relationship and should split up'. So much for a balanced, understanding approach.

We changed to a private counsellor and did try to explore the issue, but she was quite theoretical in her approach and it just didn't get us anywhere. In the end, she told us that she didn't feel the counselling could do much more for us, and that we should just go and spend the money instead on having fun together and see where that took us. By that time, we had had our first son, and we wanted him to have a sibling. So, we plodded on. We both felt we didn't want to split up and we valued the family we had started to create too much to pull it apart.

The word 'incestuous' may sound a little odd, but it's the nearest I can find to describing my feelings about it. I suppose it feels too intimate, like being with your brother or something, when you live so closely side by side but don't have sexual feelings for that person. I know of other women who have ended up feeling in a very similar way about their husband/partner. I see my husband as physically handsome, but I have lost all attraction and you are right that it definitely comes from my head rather than anything else. I had struggled on with this for years, until Simon came along and my attraction to him highlighted the whole situation with my husband. Just as mixxymops discovered when she met her 'Simon'.

Affairs aren't necessarily an answer, but I read Virginia Ironside's advice column which dealt with an issue similar to mine, with the woman loving her husband but not at all sexually attracted to him. V. Ironside said there are two choices: try to live with it and keep sensuality alive somehow (she admitted that must be very hard, virtually impossible); or have a discreet affair that helps to satisfy the sexual side of her needs. One reader wrote in about the fact that she had been having a secret affair for a while and it had really helped her cope better with her marriage to a husband that she loved but didn't find sexually appealing. I know that people don't like to accept the truth, but the fact is that for some people, such an arrangement works. I am not trying to defend this, but just pointing to an uncomfortable reality that exists whether we like it or not, or whether or not we think it's wrong.

Sorry for the long post, and now have to get a post-lunch snack for my children!

I just wanted to thank everyone who has posted on this thread and for all your understanding, kindness and good advice. You have all given me a lot to think about in terms of facing the future. My apologies if I have missed out replying to anyone individually - I really do value your time and advice.

May I wish everyone a very happy Christmas and all the best for 2014.

I think you are making a mistake thinking your affair is different to anyone else's. Its not, it started the same as I'm sure 90% of them do, one of the people's first time, " not making the decision lightly, overcome with lust" etc etc. That is how nearly all cheaters justify it to themselves.

What you have done here is no different. And now your been messed about too, as you were just one of many to him, and then your emotional involvement made you not worth the effort, so he will have moved on to other women, who are probably justifying it to themselves in the same way.