Fallout from an affair that didn't happen, advice requested and would be much appreciated

[Cherubino]

This is a long story (a novel?), and I'm sorry to take such a long time to explain, but I don't know how to describe it in fewer words, as it's complex. I hope I don't come across as some self-obsessed narcissist (I know there is a war in Syria, etc), but if so, please break the news gently! If anyone is patient enough to read through, I would really appreciate their advice.

I know that affairs shouldn't happen, but there are many reasons why they do. This is the background to my problem: I have been with my husband for 23 years and we have two sons. Eighteen or so years ago, despite loving and caring for my husband, I lost all physical attraction to him. We went through counselling, I read everything going, I did everything I could to put things right. My husband understandably didn't want to face up to the truth and he still wants physical relations regularly. I come from a broken home and just don't want the same for my boys. I realised it would destroy our lovely family if I didn't try to overcome the problem, so for 18 years, I have pretended to enjoy physical relations with my husband, though inside it kills me and it gets more difficult each day, as it feels incestuous and dishonest. I feel hugely guilty and experience self-loathing frequently. I have looked at all the options in depth over the years and decided many years ago to sacrifice the sexual element to keep our family together. My husband is the kindest, most loving man and I know I'm lucky to have him. We get on well a lot of the time and I don't really want to be with anyone else, but it's very, very hard to forego the pleasure of passion. Up until 5 years ago, though, I had never even considered an affair.

But then, five or so years ago, I came across the business profile of a man who I had been very attracted to when I was eighteen. At eighteen, we didn't sleep together, but came close to it. For various reasons, it never happened and as far as I was aware when I contacted him, he was still with his wife of many years. However, when he emailed his reply, I found out he had had an affair which broke up his first marriage and then remarried. He was pleased to hear from me and we agreed to meet up. I asked my husband if he was okay about me meeting up with this man, who I described as an old friend. My husband was fine about it. I will call the old friend 'Simon', though that's not his real name.

Simon and I met up and it was enjoyable, and totally platonic - initially. We continued to meet very occasionally (he is very busy in a senior management role that involves huge amounts of travelling), for long walks, which we both enjoy. On our second meeting, he asked me about my marriage. I avoided commenting but he fished and I was eventually honest about my difficulties. He said I should have an affair, but he didn't say with him. Not long after, though, he started making comments about being attracted to me. Up until that point, I honestly hadn't dared even think about that aspect. I knew he was remarried and had assumed he was happy with his second marriage. Once he started showing signs of attraction, though, I started to get hooked back in to feeling very attracted to him. On our second meeting (months later), he started holding my hand, and making a few non-platonic comments. To try to summarise: eventually - many more months later - things culminated in him finally sending me a sexually explicit email which blew my mind and which I responded to in similar fashion. Immediately afterwards, he then sent me a brutally blunt email saying that 'e-flirting was okay, but this was not e-flirting' and that he was a married man and was worried about losing access to his daughter if his wife found out. It may sound stupid, but that was the most initmate enounter I'd had with anyone else in 18 or so years, and for me, it was tantamount to sleeping with someone. I felt absolutely devastated, humiliated and very angry that he had falsely led me on to be so intimate with him (knowing my marriage problems) and to think that we would take things further, even though I could understand his point of view. It nearly broke the friendship, but I forgave him. We agreed to just be friends.

Two years passed and we emailed intermittently. He then made attempts to meet up again, but I was very cautious. In October this year, we finally met up. He apologised for what had happened two years ago and explained that he just panicked. He then said that though he had a daughter he loved, a wife he didn't argue with, lots of money and loved his job, he was 'screaming inside'. He told me he still had feelings for me and wanted to sleep with me, if I was still open to the idea. I was really shocked and confused, but also elated in one way - in another, I was angry he just dropped this on me again, after all my work to adjust to being friends. I asked if he meant it and he confirmed he did. I was too confused to be able to explain all this to him, though. But, before we parted, we sat in his car, and I encouraged him put his hand up my thigh. He touched me and said some very explicit things. I was completely overcome with emotion and desire. I had to go, but he left me with the impression he was going to arrange a 'lunch' date, ie we would go to a hotel together.

Following that, I became obsessed with the idea of having an affair with him but also very anxious to the point of feeling ill and unable to cope. I emailed him (we don't phone, partly time but mostly because it would alarm him due to his wife finding out), explaining my anxiety after all the distress two years ago, and asking him to be honest about whether he really wanted an affair. I poured out my affection and told him how much I desired him. He took ten days to reply, saying he 'wasn't ignoring me, he was just travelling a lot' and he would reply when he could 'catch his breath'. I was very disappointed and quite shocked at the flatness of his response, but I sent an email saying I understood and would wait. Two more weeks went by, and I heard nothing. I chased a reply from him, I was polite but a little curt. He finally replied very apologietcally that he'd been busy with work but the main issue had been a health scare and a minor op to remove a polyp. The surgeon was 99% certain it was benign, but he was awaiting results. He said that was why he hadn't had chance to reply to my email as his mind had been on his health. I replied that I totally understood, tried to reassure him (I had been through the same health scare twice myself, plus my father had bowel cancer) and apologised for chasing a reply, but explained to him again that I hadn't realised his health situation and had been anxious about whether or not things were going to happen between us. I asked him to let me know when he had his results and offered to meet up with him if he was available. I received no reply. Two more weeks went by and I knew he must have had his results (private healthcare is a lot faster than NHS).

During that time, I became frenzied with anxiety, and incensed that he hadn't even told me his results (but suspecting he was fine from what the surgeon had said previously). I was angry and frustrated that he still hadn't answered my basic question about what was going to happen between us, despite me explaining my anxiety. I ended up sending him a very angry and rather sarcastic email, saying that while I understood he was busy and I was sympathetic to his health scare, he had ignored me, had not told me his health results - despite recently saying he wanted to sleep with me - and had avoided answering my basic question about wanting an affair or not. I also said I felt humiliated after pouring out my feelings in an email, only to be told he was 'too busy' to reply. Basically, I went off the deep end and made a personal jibe about him not being as 'red-blooded' as he liked to boast about being. I told him he'd messed me around in the same way twice now, and I wouldn't forgive him, I was no longer attracted to him (a complete lie, due to my anger) and considered our friendship at an end. He replied just 8 minutes later (the fastest reply I have ever had from him), saying he'd just been very busy with work and had had a bad health scare, was sorry I felt that way, and sorry that my marriage was making me so unhappy. He said about the friendship ending: 'As you wish.' While he had the 'fondest feelings' for me, maybe I was right - he just 'didn't have the time and maybe not the inclination'.

I was devastated again at his response - I suppose I'd hoped he would attempt to make amends. I re-read my email and it was so angry he must have felt attacked and horrified by my naked display of emotion. I took his reply to mean he was happy to end things, and so I didn't contact him. Two weeks later, I realise that while we can't and shouldn't have an affair, I am desperately unhappy to lose his friendship, so I emailed an apology, explaining how upset and hurt I was, saying I'd made a mistake in ending the friendship (or whatever it was) and asking if we could just revert to being friends, and that I still loved and wanted his company, could we just meet up for a walk and email occasionally, rather than never seeing one another again. I have had no reply. He has quite an ego but it covers up insecurity, and I'm worried that my negative remarks about him not being 'red-blooded', and me losing my attraction for him will finish our friendship forever.

My whole marriage issues aside (please, I have been beating myself up about them enough, I don't need others to do it for me): please could anyone who understands just tell me if I've behaved like some horrible, hysterical, demanding diva with Simon, or if it was understandable for me to send an angry email given the circumstances? I have now tried to put it right with an apology, but I think I should leave it at that; I know he would be horrified if I tried to phone him. I realise I have probably lost the friendship, but I forgave him previously for really hurting me badly twice. I still feel as though he badly humiliated me and let me down, but I know he just wouldn't see it in that way and will have been amazed to get my angry email. I can't decide anymore if this man is benign but just totally unaware of how he impacts on my feelings (my own belief) or just a total selfish arse. But I honestly do know him well enough to say he's not the type to just leap into bed with any woman, so I know he wasn't just being totally shallow about suggesting an affair with me.

Having had eight years of isolation in a small village, and now having moved to a new area 250 miles away, I am very isolated again and have no one to talk to about all this. I feel vulnerable and lonely, although I am doing all I can to make friends. I realise I have written a novel, and I am very sorry for presuming on other mumsnetter's time, if you have reached this far, that is!

I would really appreciate just knowing if I have behaved badly towards Simon, or if you agree that I have justifiable cause to have sent my angry email. If anyone has read all this, a huge thank you for your time, it is much appreciated.

So, you were with your husband for 23 years, your sons are 12 & 9 but you decided to put up with the lack of physical attraction 18 years ago in the name of your children, who were not even born yet for a long long time? Hmmmmm....

I think you ARE writing a novel ;-)

I'm not sure that OPs dh knows she doesn't fancy him. I think the only way forward is to have counselling on your own and sort out what you do want your life to be like and work towards achieving that.

Predators can sniff out someone vulnerable at 20 paces. That's what Simon did to you.

You are so vulnerable, your expectations so unbearably low, it is painful to read your story.

Being nice to people doesn't draw niceness out of them btw. People can be horrid - being nice to them doesn't ensure they'll be nice back (to repeat myself) and be gentle with you. Simon exploited your immense vulnerability. He is a shit. YOu insist on defending him but he's not that concerned about his marriage that he wouldn't 1. suggest you have an affair and 2. have a sexual encounter with someone in a car. You are afraid of sleazy losers but that's exactly what you got with Simon.

I suggest you are afraid to be alone because you genuinely think you are an empty carcass, and that terrifies you - understandably; though it isn't true. It is not Simon you are missing and grieving for, it is you. I suggest you have been very fucked up by your childhood. Please, get into counselling for a good few years to work out what is going on with you, to heal some of the wounds of your past, to own your life in a much broader sense than you are now, to learn to live it and enjoy it. You can live it in all its fullness, you don't need a Simon to unlock you.

I'm going to go out on a limb by saying that your account of your inner world has 'religion' stamped all over it - gentle Jesus meek and mild; be good and kind and honest; forgive one another; turn the other cheek; walk in another's shoes; judge and you wil be judged; give everyone the benefit of the doubt; love bears all things. Etc.

Teaching like that doesn't equip one for life - is a distortion of the true meaning and outworking of christianity imo - and sets one up to be fed to the lions; eg Simon.

This book erroneous and harmful religious conditioning. The author is a christian and I think you will recognise many of the stories in it.

*this book addresses erroneous and harmful religious conditioning.

For the love of smurf's, leave the man alone. Not only is a terrible way to treat your OH but you are clinging on to an imaginary relationship and are literally desperate to have an affair!
Why would you even want an affair with a man who has a history of them? It hardly make you special.

Reading your post, at every point I couldn't believe you went back for more. Why would you email and demand a response and then get angry and demand an explanation about your discussion to have sex? Where's your self respect and more importantly, where is the respect for your OH? The mind boggles!!!!

I am inclined to agree with this. I think there was a point where he would have gladly started an affair with you, and indeed he seemed to be grooming you for it. But then he realised that you were becoming hugely emotionally over-invested in the whole idea, and that having an affair with you could never be a civilised no-strings arrangement. It was going to be a massive risk, a massive liability and a very dangerous game. You would go headlong into being deeply in love, wanting to leave your husband, and would probably expect him to leave his wife. Which is not what he was hoping for AT ALL.

In short, and at the risk of sounding harsh, he thinks you are a potential bunny boiler and he doesn't need the hassle.

Because you are unhappy and unfulfilled in your marriage you are looking for an excuse, a reason to justify leaving. You wanted to be swept off your feet so you could look your DH in the eye and say 'I just couldn't help it - I fell completely in love.'

I think this man senses that and doesn't want to get caught up in something that complicated and heavy.

What an extraordinary post. Just imagine if this was a bloke on here asking for girlfriend advice while his wife was at home imagining everything to be fine.

You play the innocent, life-is-complicated card and say you don't want to be lectured about your marriage but to ignore it is absurd - you are acting abominably (getting your head in a mess over another man, losing sleep over him, trying to arrange to sleep with him and then posting about him on an internet message board).

Back to your original question, as a guy I can pretty much guarantee exactly where this other bloke was coming from. He quite enjoyed a bit of flirtation, a bit of an ego boost but had no intention of going through with anything. When it got a bit heavy he panicked and was probably delighted to receive your angry email as that brought the slightly iffy situation to a swift and final end. He is not interested and probably thinks he had a lucky escape.

MrsCynical - thank you for your reply. You are right that I invested far too much in nothing. I understand that affairs are a very emotive issue and that, when a woman posts about them here openly and honestly, it can make other women who are in secure and happy relationships feel threatened. It is then easy to lay the blame entirely at the door of the 'other woman'. Affairs happen between two people, and the man carries his share of responsibility, too. I contacted Simon, yes, but I absolutely did not initiate things, I would never have presumed or dared. But I responded when he started to make advances to me. He actively pursued me, before I then got 'hooked in' and became so emotionally involved. Yes, of course I must accept my responsibility in all of this. However, he actively sought out the cracks in my marriage and then, in my view, targeted my vulnerability.

I know that people in happy and fulfilling relationships are horrified by the idea of affairs. I used to be, too, until I found myself in the painful situation that I am now in with my marriage. I have been utterly faithful to my husband up until what happened with Simon. I wonder how many women, finding themselves in my situation, and faced with such a strong temptation, would have behaved so much better than me? It is the feeling of deep unhappiness and desperation that pushed me into seeking something outside of my marriage.

Mumsnetters can judge and condemn me as they wish. However, the morality and judgement of affairs is not what I am posting about here. That is for each individual, given their own circumstances, to decide on for themselves.

MacMac123, thank you for your reply, it's much appreciated. I don't think it was 'needy' of me to want to know whether or not Simon wanted an affair or was just messing me around, but I can see that my whole desire for an affair with him in the first place is the issue. You are absolutely right about the need to find 'inner joy' and self confidence - I do feel, as springythatlldofor now says, 'like an empty carcass' and that is certainly terrifying.

Cherubino Massive apologies, I got the wrong thread.

cjel and Springythatlldofornow, thank you for your replies. Cjel, I did try to address the lack of sexual attraction with my husband through couple counselling but the counselling didn't work for us and we agreed to just try to carry on by ourselves, in the hope that things would change. I have tried to address the issue with my husband since then by discussing the idea of an open marriage, where we would stay together, but seek physical relations from others. He doesn't want that. I have up until now respected his wish and tried to abide by it. I wasn't and am not actively seeking an affair.

Springy, you are right about grieving for the loss of myself rather than Simon. What you say makes a lot of sense. I tried personal counselling for several years and it stopped me feeling suicidal and depressed and taught me to experience at least some happiness. I think I am struggling with those issues again in mid-life but I can't access good or affordable couselling at the moment. I am also cynical about some of the processes and expectations that counselling encourages, but I agree it would probably be of benefit when I can access it again.

Though brought up by a priest, I am not in the least religious, by the way, and I don't believe in 'turning the other cheek' and being nice to people when they're not nice, etc. I realise it's a tough world out there, but Simon was an old friend and that's why I trusted him. He wasn't just some man I'd picked up in a bar or something. I would NEVER do that and I really wasn't actively seeking an affair - this situation with Simon took off in a way that I genuinely didn't expect when I contacted him initially, still thinking he was with his first wife, etc, and that I would meet up with her too. But you are right about him - he is a shit who has totally exploited my vulnerability but sometimes, when you're deeply involved, it's hard to see the woods for the trees. He told me that though he and his second wife didn't argue, it was a loveless marriage, but he didn't want to go through another divorce and he was terrified about losing access to his young daughter. I don't want to break up my own family. As Rousette rightly said, I thought with Simon I'd found an oasis, but it was a mirage.

Yodiggity, thank you for your post. I do see what you're saying - I have become far too involved, you are right. I certainly would never have planned to leave my husband, though, because I could never do that to him or my children, but there was always the danger that falling in love with Simon could have changed all that. There was never any fear from Simon that I was a bunnyboiler or he would never have risked this with me. I have always respected his privacy and, contrary to what some may think, I have not bombarded him with emails.

Father Jake - thank you for your honesty and for the male viewpoint.

I wonder how many women, finding themselves in my situation, and faced with such a strong temptation, would have behaved so much better than me? It is the feeling of deep unhappiness and desperation that pushed me into seeking something outside of my marriage.

I was in a relationship for over 11 years. Yes maybe not as long as yours but when I realised I didn't feel the way I had for him I knew it had to end. So actually I am one of those women that made the very difficult decision to walk away from everything I knew (my home, friends, etc.) rather than stay in a relationship I was unhappy in and start having affairs. It was one of the hardest things I have done but it was the right thing to do.

Cherubino I did have some sympathy for you but a few things you have said in your last few poss have removed any sympathy I had. Stop trying to shift blame onto Simon for pursuing you. You initiated contact with him and by your own admission you have been chasing him ever since. His made it clear his not interested. People are horrified by affairs not because of their own insecurities. They are horrified because of the lying, deceit and complete lack of respect for the other person. If you are going to post about this then you really need to start been honest with yourself about everything and stop wallowing. You are not a victim in this situation. You are as in the wrong as Simon is. I agree with everyone that is telling you to seek counselling and sort out the issues in your life that make you so unhappy. If you choose to stay with your DH then you need to honour your commitment. You are choosing to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy. No one is forcing you to stay. It's your choice so you can't complain about it really.

Father Jake, the shame and guilt of all this does not escape me, by the way. I never envisaged that the woman you describe in your post would be me in my middle years, acting this desperately and 'abominably'. It's unfortunate and ugly what life can reduce some of us to, but I imagine that's all part of what we call 'the human condition'.

LittlePeaPod - I admire your strength and courage to make the decision you did. Do you mind me asking, though, if you already had children at the time? Did you have a supportive family that you could turn to in all of this? I think those things considerations make a difference when weighing up such a huge decision, and those are some of the things that influence me.

As I said previously, I completely accept my share of the responsibility in all this and I'm not trying to present myself as a victim. I am not trying to shift the blame onto Simon, I just don't like the way in which some like to lay all the blame at the 'other woman's' door as though the male participant has no share of it. As I also said, I never planned or envisaged having an affair but I have found myself in a situation and am just trying to find my way through it.

I am not trying to defend affairs. However, the morality of all this is not what I'm posting about - in my view, those issues are for each individual to decide on depending on their own situation.

Your poor DH, does he realise you don't find him sexually attractive??? And why, if after being married for 5 years and you stopped wanting to have sex with him did you stay and go on to have 2 children and now say you don't want to break your family up.
18 years ago you had no children you could have just walked, instead of condemning the pair of you to a passionless marriage.

I am sticking my neck out here and saying you can't find your poor DH so unattractive to you otherwise you wouldn't have slept with him for 18 odd years.
You say he is a good kind man and that you feel affection for him, how about working on some of those positives and try to make something of your marriage instead of chasing knee trembling sex with a chancer who is quite patently not really into you.

If your marriage/sex life is so untenable how about doing the decent thing and try and end it amicably as possible, otherwise you will end up being resentful and bitter. I honestly think your poor DH thinks that all is fine and dandy between you and that sometimes you are just reluctant.

You are not being honest with yourself and seem to be chasing some sort of thrilling existance that in reality does not exist.

I am sorry if I sound harsh but I was once married to a man that did not find me sexually attractive, it was hideous, and affected me very badly, and I had to leave for my own sanity. My guess is your poor Dh has really no idea as to the extent of your feelings, if you really find him that unattractive, he would have felt it long before you went ahead and had two children with him.

You may not be religious but you were brought up in that soup, which would have impacted you in a thousand, million, different ways. I'd bet my hat that the bottom line would have been that you love and you forgive and expect the best and don't judge. It has nothing at all to do with whether you currently follow that religion (as religion doesn't necessarily equal faith: two different things).

Do read the boundaries book though - it is well-respected in the recovery community and a good book to have in one's armoury. I also wonder if, as you have already had a number of years in therapy, that some christian ministry may blast away some of the misconceptions sown deeply into your soul. yy finding good christian ministery is needle/haystack stuff but perhaps addressing some of the things you imbibed during your upbringing could unlock something crucial for you.

I admire your honesty in talking about this. People like to be black and white about it but it's not always straightforward: sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. And I agree that marrieds/established couples can find this subject deeply threatening - understandably.

Thank you, Warmfuzzyfuture, I appreciate your understanding of the situation. I have tried to address the physical issue with my husband, through couple counselling. It didn't work for either of us. I have tried to broach the subject with him over the years - even suggesting an open relationship but he doesn't want that and I have tried my best to fit in with that. He is a wonderful man, I love him and he is a brilliant father. But unfortunately, love doesn't always equate with sexual attraction and I hadn't anticipated how damaging this far down the line. I thought I could live with companionship. I made it clear to my husband that I find sex with him difficult but you destroy someone if you keep telling them that. I feel guilty but I have tried to be as truthful as I can, without breaking apart our lovely family. I have seen the results of other families splitting up and how it affects the children and that alternative is worse in my opinion. I have tried everything to give my children a warm, loving, secure environment and I am not going to break all that apart. But yes, the result is that living without passion is harder than I ever thought and it left me vulnerable to the 'crumbs' that Simon gave me.

Thank you, Springy, for your advice and most of all for seeing that these things are just not as simple as some would like to think. I understand why others react so negatively, but transgressions like mine don't happen lightly and I am trying my best not to hurt anyone and to keep my family intact. I don't need others to beat with me a (metaphorical) stick, as I am already doing that for myself. I know that despite my recent behaviour, I am not a bad human being, but like anyone, I am open to temptation when my Achilles' heel is targetted.

Spindlysplindler, thank you for your post. What you say makes a lot of sense. However, I come from a broken home and it's the last thing I ever want for my children. If that happened, I would see my life as a complete failure. It is a question of wanting for your children what you never had yourself. We make decisions for all kinds of complex reasons. Those who say I should leave my marriage have a point, but they are not fully aware of everything involved in reaching such a momentous decision. It is different for everyone. Even if I could contemplate leaving my husband (which I don't want to do), I have seen no evidence around me for those who have split up successfully. While I know of one woman who successfully split from her husband and rebuilt her life for herself and her child, I have seen many more families torn apart, miserable, and unable to find new relationships that fulfil them. One of my divorced friends has been trying to find someone for the last ten years and hasn't succeeded. I love my husband, we have a lot of shared history together, and in lots of ways we are compatible. Just not sexually. And I hadn't anticipated the heartache that would ensue from that. Unfortunately, we don't have a crystal ball that can predict how we will feel about an issue many years further down the line, we can only take a hopeful gamble, thinking that things may change and improve at some point. Clearly, in my case that hasn't happened. I realise how lucky I am to have my husband, I really do. But the marriage counsellor told me it always takes two to create a situation, and not to lay the blame entirely on myself. That is the one thing that brings me comfort in all this. I have made things as clear as I can with my husband, but he doesn't want to face up to it, and I don't want the issue to tear everything apart, even if it does cause me a lot of personal pain. I know I have to live with that, and the Simon situation was a symptom.

It wasn't anything to do with strength. It was the right thing to do and it took a long time to move on from it and even though it was the right thing to do, it hurt.

With regards your question on DC. No I choose not to have DC with him because I knew it wouldn't be right. He wanted DC though. But regardless of having Dc or not I would not have stayed in the situation. In fact DC would have strengthened my resolve to leave because I would never have wanted to set an example that said its alright or acceptable to stay in an unhappy relationship.

With regards your question on having a supportive family. I come from a very dysfunctional background. I was brought up in a DV home and watched my shit of a father beat my mother to a pulp. Thankfully she eventually had the strength to leave and we lived in hiding for a long time. Thankfully his dead now.

So no, I didn't have a supportive family to fall back on to when I left. I had to deal with the fall out myself and start afresh.

The whole DC/supportive family is not a reason or excuse for staying in an unhappy situation and justifying wanting/looking for an affair. We all know what's right and what's wrong regardless of our backgrounds or situations.

I don't think anyone on here has blamed you solely as ow for the EA. I think everyone recognises that you are both in the wrong. Regardless of morality, your posts do come across a little like you feel like you are a victim and that Simon has led you on or treated you badly. Ultimately Simon had no obligations or loyalty to you. You knew he was married and he had told you he didn't want to risk losing his daughter. Yet you choose to allow yourself to carry on in a situation that would end in nothing but heartache. Other than touching your thigh and flirting on email, he has avoided any form of actual sexual relationship for a long time even though you made I clear you were up for it. His also avoided communicating with you. That alone should have told you he had no intentions of taking things further. It was a great ego boast for him. You need to stop concentrating on what Simon has or has not done and get help to resolve the issues that are holding you back from moving on and finding some peace/happiness. This whole situation is also very unfair on your DC and DH. They are the innocent parties and deserve more respect and honesty from you.

I am sorry to sound harsh Op but you need to stop focusing on Simon and start looking at what you can do to help yourself. Simon is with his wife and DC, I can assure you his not suffering like you are.

Cherubino - I am in a very similar position to you. Married for over 12 years, young children and now a sexless marriage. It never was that great but I'd never had good relationships with men and thought this was the best I would ever get. Then out of the blue a married man came onto me. I'd always thought affairs were wrong but he flirted with me when I'd forgotten what it was like to feel attractive and brought out sexual feelings I didn't even realise I had. We never slept together because he too realised I was getting involved and then withdrew the attention. I don't agree with the women that tell you to leave your husband. It is incredibly hard being alone and hard to meet men you want to be with. Many years in my experience. Your husband may want to just carry on aswell in the hope that the marriage may eventually get back on track in some form or another. I'm not sure how to deal with this myself but I'm planning to just carry on for now, one day at a time and trying to not think about my Simon. Just concentrate on the children and try to improve your life so you don't feel as vulnerable in future. (I have no family in this country so I know how isolation can affect you too).