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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want me to officially move in, but is happy for me to be here 7 nights a week???

37 replies

TheCowLady · 17/12/2013 20:26

so as the subjects suggests my boyfriend is happy and wants me to stay round 7 nights a week. he misses me if i stay at my place. When i'm over i do the washing, hoovering, tidy up etc. my dogs stay, he minds them as if they were his if i go out for the day or when i work. So for me I would like to stop paying rent at my place and pay rent to him. would save me fuel money, horse is closer, and no need for any back and forth business. But he doesnt want me to "move in" as such. I have a variety of clothes here. When i go to go home his parents, who live in the adjoining house, ask why am i leaving? whats the point I might aswell stay here? What am I going home for? etc.
He says his parents wouldnt be happy if i officialy moved in. So i have asked him/told him that he is to have that conversation with them. Not only becasue i feel in limbo a bit and that paying rent on a room im never in is silly. especially when im jobless (and job hunting), but also because i think its him that doesnt want it to be official, even though he wants me here all the time. Plus if his parents are unhappy by my being here all the time I would rather it be known so i dont upset them.
any thoughts?

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 17/12/2013 20:29

Oh dear. Where to start??? Firstly, why are you there 7 nights if you haven't moved in? Do you do all the cleaning etc? Is this a deal breaker for you? Does he pay rent to his parents btw?

Charcoalbriquettes · 17/12/2013 20:31

Totally depends on other factors in your relationship like how old are you both, how long have you been together, does he have baggage from previous relationship, how have you discussed your relationship developing?

StormyBrid · 17/12/2013 20:36

My first thought was that he doesn't want to pay for you. I'm guessing job hunting means you're not currently employed, so getting jobseekers and housing. If he's working, hid income would probably mean you'd be entitled to nothing, and he'd have to financially support you both. Alternatively he could be just be being a dick.

beaglesaresweet · 17/12/2013 20:37

the answer is, refuse to stay there 7 days a week, so he has a motive to want you to move in. As it is, he has his cake but also avoids serious responsibility. Unless he's 20, I'd stat distancing myself if I wrer you, he'll miss you and will come round. Whatever you tried so far (talking) hasn't worked, has it.

Original poster

TheCowLady · 17/12/2013 20:37

erm no he doesnt pay rent, i would feel like i would need to pay rent to contribute to bills etc.
i wasnt always here 7 nights a week, i just begun staying over more and more, now i rarely go home, and if i do im asked why am i leaving?
its not a deal breaker as such, i do all the cleaning as he is working and i am not. he did do the cleaning but just not as often as i would. he always tells me i dont have to pack the dishwasher or wash the clothes etc, but especially as im not doing anything i might as well. i dont mind to be honest. he has/is helping me out alot while im jobless, so the odd chore isnt a problem.
i asked him 2 nights ago to discuss my being here with his parents, as they are a little old school and i dont want to offend them, but he hasnt mentioned it to them yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheCowLady · 17/12/2013 20:39

he is 31, i am afew years younger. beaglesaresweet, i feel you maybe be right, he doesnt want the seriousness of actually being moved in together. been together year and 3 months

OP posts:

HankyScore · 17/12/2013 20:41

He's 31 and lives rent free in his parents' basement?

Blimey, what a catch.

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2013 20:41

Just on a practical financial note. Do you receive housing benefit at the moment? You wouldn't be able to claim that if you moved in with him.

Are you receiving benefits? Would you still be able to receive them if you lived with him?

Apart from that, don't stay every night, don't do his cleaning, don't do all the jobs. Let him be without you a bit; let him miss you.

MadBusLady · 17/12/2013 20:43

On the face of it he seems happy to take all the advantages of a live-in partner (domestic maid services, sex on tap) while still nominally keeping the bachelor status of living alone, with all the freedom that implies. That would seem to be taking the piss.

If what you say about his parents is true (that they ask why you're going home etc), he's simply lying about their attitude, isn't he? And not even a lie that's particularly difficult to uncover. Pathetic excuse.

He is, of course, totally within his rights to not want to live with you. But that means he doesn't get to rule your life seven nights a week and he certainly doesn't get free domestic services.

If I were you I would take him at his word. You're not moving in, you are remaining a solid-but-casual boyfriend and girlfriend. That means you're NOT over at his every night, you have other things to do and other people to see, and you do NOT do his chores. How he reacts to that kind of change in your behaviour will help you see whether or not he is an entitled pisstaker - because that's certainly what I would be assuming at this point.

MadBusLady · 17/12/2013 20:51

By the way, please ignore posters who don't understand the housing crisis. This guy does sound a bit flaky to me, but that's because he wants the perks of a relationship without responsibility, not because he lives in his parents' basement. That just makes him one of the luckier under-35s in Britain.

Zucker · 17/12/2013 20:53

haha I can't imagine why this freeloading lazy man child is only too delighted to have you there as live in maid. C'mon now wise up.

mammadiggingdeep · 17/12/2013 20:53

I second imperial. Let him miss you. Why does he need to make it official at the moment?? If you wernt there all the time he may want to take the next step. Enjoy some time alone in your home.

Original poster

TheCowLady · 17/12/2013 20:54

am not on housing benefit, have applied for jobseekers but that is taking a long time to arrive. have used last lot of wages from previous job to pay rent and now thats gone its a credit card situation.
sorry when i say lives with parents what i mean is there are 2 houses, like a semi detatched situation, him in one and parents in the other. family business is run from here and he is employed at home as such. gets a low wage, but also gets food. he has done other things, is currently working a second job elsewhere to bump up money.
i have free range, i come in when i want, visit friends and venture out as and when i like. some nights we do things together, some we dont.
i agree he is totally within his rights not to want to live with me, but its all a bit weird that i am but im not....
you might be right, maybe i should go home more, let him decide if he wants me here or not. maybe he needs to grow up and get with the program rather than floating around avoiding fact that he is an adult and has to make adult decisions

OP posts:

neversleepagain · 17/12/2013 20:58

You are too available and making it far to easy for him. Let him miss you!

Don't settle for his crumbs.

TalkativeJim · 17/12/2013 20:59

He's a manchild.

Stop going along with it - smile and tell him that that's fine, up to him if he doesn't want you to move in, but if that's the case then you'll be spending most nights at your place, because if you're paying for it then you don't want to waste that. Oh and he can clean and hoover his own place from now on - when you stay, it's as a guest, remember!

Original poster

TheCowLady · 17/12/2013 21:00

lol, neversleepagain, thats a good way to look at it

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 17/12/2013 21:03

MadBusLady is 100% right. Every word. Wow...the cushy lives some folk lead eh? Girlfriend on tap to 'do' for him 7 days a week. Mummy & daddy just next door to sort any other necessary domestic needs. Not surprised he doesn't want lifestyle change! He's a very comfortable Manchild. You'll just have to stop enabling him OP. Not sure that'd even work, but its worth a try

garlicbaubles · 17/12/2013 21:03

No "might" about it, you need to reclaim your own life instead of hanging off his. And CLAIM HOUSING BENEFIT, it isn't automatic with your JSA. As you have no income, you will qualify ... but not if you're living at your boyfriend's! Claim Council Tax credit, too, the council offices will do both forms with you if you go in.

Matildathecat · 17/12/2013 21:05

Take heart, OP. I was you, more or less, 25 years ago. I rarely stayed at my place ( nurses home) yet wasn't officially 'live in girlfriend'. Again, slightly staid, Catholic parents who might have been a bit disapproving.

One day, after a few months he just said 'this is a bit silly, why don't you move in?'. It was never actually discussed with his parents, though of course they knew. He also said that I really didn't need to be cooking etc, but frankly I had time and didn't mind.

So be a bit patient. We've been married almost 25 years now.

But...do get onto your benefit agency. Any kind of independence is better than none.

Original poster

TheCowLady · 17/12/2013 21:34

ah see matildathecat, sounds very much like me. catholic parents the lot.

Will chase the benefits thing. I hate not working so not like i am being a bum, just surviving until i find work again

will find a happy medium from all your advice . See how it goes. either that or on new years eve when he has had a few pints i will ask then whats the deal? afterall alcohol is a good truth serum

OP posts:

Expectans · 17/12/2013 22:13

If you give him everything 'for free', bear in mind that for a certain type of person, that takes away a big incentive to marry you. Maybe this is not what you want anyway, or not yet, but worth considering. I laughed at my mum when she said it to me, when I was in your situation. She was right though. 4 years down the line I finally left. 4 years of NSA housework as far as he was concerned!

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2013 23:10

If you do move in with him, do so from a position of strength. Don't ask to move in when you're unemployed. You will be in a really weak position. Find a job first and then if you to want to live together, find a place to share together. In the meantime, lead more of your own life. If he's not in the house, don't spend time there. It's not your home. You certainly shouldn't be cleaning it, he's made it clear that you are only a guest.

BiscuitMillionaire · 17/12/2013 23:16

I'm afraid the awful saying springs to mind: why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?

As others have said, what is his incentive to make any kind of commitment, when he has all the perks already?

SolidGoldBrass · 17/12/2013 23:28

He also wants to be able to dump you when he takes a fancy to another woman, without having to worry that you'll be homeless or refuse to leave.

Cabrinha · 17/12/2013 23:39

Well, you have been together 15 months... It's not a short time, but it's not a really long time either.
Your primary motivation for moving in seems to be that you think it's wasting money you haven't got to rent your own place.
Maybe he only wants to move on together if he is feeling certain that this is a long term relationship for him?
I'm crazy about my boyfriend (less than a year though), but I wouldn't invite him to move in, as it would make me feel it was "permanent" and I'm not ready for that yet.

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