Boyfriend doesn't want me to officially move in, but is happy for me to be here 7 nights a week???

[TheCowLady]

so as the subjects suggests my boyfriend is happy and wants me to stay round 7 nights a week. he misses me if i stay at my place. When i'm over i do the washing, hoovering, tidy up etc. my dogs stay, he minds them as if they were his if i go out for the day or when i work. So for me I would like to stop paying rent at my place and pay rent to him. would save me fuel money, horse is closer, and no need for any back and forth business. But he doesnt want me to "move in" as such. I have a variety of clothes here. When i go to go home his parents, who live in the adjoining house, ask why am i leaving? whats the point I might aswell stay here? What am I going home for? etc.
He says his parents wouldnt be happy if i officialy moved in. So i have asked him/told him that he is to have that conversation with them. Not only becasue i feel in limbo a bit and that paying rent on a room im never in is silly. especially when im jobless (and job hunting), but also because i think its him that doesnt want it to be official, even though he wants me here all the time. Plus if his parents are unhappy by my being here all the time I would rather it be known so i dont upset them.
any thoughts?

I agree with what's been said.
Stop staying there so often and don't do the housework.
Go back to your own home and let him miss you.

You should be able to discuss this with him without needing alcohol as a 'truth serum'

Agree with those saying he's a man child I'm afraid! Get your own life back otherwise he will keep enjoying having his cake and eating it.

OP something about this has made me feel really uncomfortable. He is a man in his thirties who is still totally dependent on his mummy? And he has to get mummys approval for his girlfriend ?
Run.
Don't Look Back.

Sort the housework thing now! Read the housework threads on MN before you go any further! Spend your days studying for something, volunteering somewhere, re-writing your cv, anything but getting into a routine of cleaning his house!

I agree with other posters, let him miss you!

He doesn't want you to move in officially because that would put the relationship on a level that he's not comfortable with.

The point about his parents not liking it is a red herring. He doesn't want to have a relationship conversation at this point, because he thinks you're keener than he is and it will be awkward.

There's no point in pushing this. You wouldn't want to move in if you weren't welcome. You might be like the idea more than he does for reasons of convenience. You're the one who's paying out for rent on a room you hardly use and you're the one who's doing the travelling. Or, all things being equal, he might be right. You are more committed to the relationship than he is.

Moving in for the sake of convenience is a bad idea anyway. It's the relationship that matters. Anyway, he's not buying it so you need to drop the subject.

I agree with PP. Focus on finding a job and being financially independent. Then give him time to catch up with you. Or not.

At this moment I'd be questioning if I wanted to stay with this man or not. 15 months, and if you are seeing eachother every day, should be enough to decide to commit. Or not.

Look carefully at the relationship dynamics and decide. What you get now is what you'll get if you live in or get married. And he's likely to get worse.

I second all the advice for financial independence.
You should be out looking for jobs not cleaning his place.

your full time job should be looking for a new job
therefore saying that you have me time to do cleaning job tells me that you perhaps not spending enough time doing that

who knows - you may have to move away for work, so concentrate on finding it and take it from there

I'm so sorry but I agree with the others, he's a manchild. He lives next door to his parents AND works in the family business (that's a lot of time spent with mummy and daddy for a grown man), they pay him a low wage (pocket money?!) and FEED HIM?! I assume that means cooks for him? He doesn't want you to move in, but is perfectly happy for you to waste money on rent when you are currently skint. You clean up after him and he gets sex on tap - why would he want to change that?! It's all about him and you're getting nothing for yourself out of this.

Take some control of your life back, live at your place and only go round there a few nights a week - I'd also expect him to come to you sometimes as well. Spend your day looking for work rather than clearing up after him! Do something for YOU!! x

Claim housing benefit for your place, do not spend more than 3 nights a week at his though, as I think this might be deemed fraudulent - ie you would be seen as living with him if 4 nights or more.

Keep your independence.

*CowLady" I think you need to wise up.
You are on call to give him a free cleaning service and free sex, and now you want to "pay rent to him" as well!
What exactly does he do for you?
I don't want to be rude, but as I read your OP the word "doormat" came to mind.

15 months and he doesn't want to live with you(but he is)?
That'd not do much for my self respect.
Where do you want this relationship to go?

I would find that a massive insult tbh, he clearly hasn't grown up yet and is worried what his parents would say, he's 31 ffs.