I want to trust this person but how do I do that

[MatildaWishes]

I have posted before about how I was previously in an abusive relationship, but have name changed for this.

Someone I am close to has been accused of abuse, and this person maintains it's a false allegation. My relationship with the person who has been accused is generally good. I need to be able to trust this person and demonstrate to them that I have faith in them and believe them. They are absolutely devastated by the allegations. I don't want to say anything further about the allegations, I realise that overall most allegations of abuse are not unfounded, and don't want to debate that.

The problem I have is that my own history of an abusive relationship is making it very hard for me as I keep identifying with the accuser's perspective, I can't seem to see beyond that. I know that the person who has been accused is a lovely person, who deserves support. But the problem for me is that my ex was also someone who appeared to be a lovely guy to others, which is meaning I can't trust my instincts anymore. I feel like I am really letting my friend down by not being more supportive, I am worried they will be able to tell that I don't really believe them. Has anyone else been through anything similar? Any suggestions as to how I can make myself trust someone again?

Thanks, I know this is a bit of a weird one. I do feel as though my trust is suspended, and I feel as though that makes me a bad person, but I guess it is normal and to be expected really. I suppose I think that if someone else were in this position, someone who hadn't experienced the abusive relationship, they would have somehow been better able to trust and that there must be something wrong with me because I am finding that hard. But it's probably just to be expected.

Your experience clearly colours your judgement but the phrase 'no smoke without fire' means that someone doesn't have to have had your experience in order to be in two minds about someone who has been accused of a crime. I don't think it's a question of trust, therefore, but one of judgement. In short, who do you believe and what do you want to believe?

OP, does this person know about your experience? I'm finding that the lack of detail here is making it difficult to call. I'm wondering why, dependent upon your relationship with the person, they are putting you in this difficult situation. Do you know the alleged victim?

Too vague to have an opinion either way for me. Sorry.

The thing is that some people can be accused of being abusers for malicious reasons.

"no smoke without fire" sure but also "throw enough mud and some will stick".

So it's actually incredibly hard to know.

Its clear you're fond of this person but also that, as you put it, I keep identifying with the accuser's perspective. It may be that this is not a situation that you can handle perfectly, and you'll have to accept that.

All you can do is read up on the traits of an abuser and go over in your mind the traits of your friend, then consider the nature of the allegations. If you see things that make you suspicious, then it's time to back off a bit. But the whole problem of some manipulative people is that they are incredibly convincing :s I guess it's down to using your head, while listening to your instincts.

I think you do need to go with your gut instincts on this and do what they tell you.

You say you "need" to be able to trust them, and demonstrate that you have faith in them.
Why? Have they asked you to? Are they pushing you for your faith and trust?

I think all you can do to support them is to offer your statement from the perspective of a friend, and to trust that the truth, whatever it is, will come out.

You can also do a lot of listening, which is supportive, but make no comments.

Thanks for the replies. I am obviously very limited by what detail I can give, but no I don't know the accuser, which I think is partly why I feel bad that I don't completely trust the account of the accused. As I would be taking the word of someone I don't know over the word of someone I do know. I am coming under some pressure from others close to me because I am not always managing to show how supportive I am. I am listening, and not judging overtly in any way, which I suppose is all I can do. The people concerned are kind of closing ranks, which I guess is usual in situations like this, but it means I am under pressure to be part of that rather than being able to remain a bit separate. This is why I 'need' to show my trust.

It doesn't help that there's so much now on certain websites about how false abuse allegations are becoming increasingly common. I know this contradicts the current view from the government, and as I said I don't really want to talk about that but it does increase the doubt in my mind about the accuser despite the fact that so much else of what the accuser is saying does ring true.

I don't feel I can rely on my instincts as I feel they are not working properly. I have realized thinking this through that I probably wouldn't trust anyone accused of abuse, however close to me, because I don't feel anyone can really be trusted anyway, which is a pretty poor outlook to have.

I agree with what was said about boundaries, I am finding it hard to assert my right to have an independent view on this.

I like the idea that others might be believing in 'blind faith' though, as opposed to this being something wrong with me.

As you have been abused, I think people around you should respect your wishes if you do not want to be involved at all.
Pushing for you to show active support is not fair on you at all.

You don't sound to me like you're rushing to judgement on this person or like your instincts are leading you towards any particular conclusion. You sound like you simply understand that flabberghasting, world-turned-upside-down things can sometimes be true, because of your experience.

Most (I hope) people have not experienced abuse, they do not understand that abusers don't have horns and a tail and a neon sign etc, so if someone they like and respect is accused their response will be incredulous. They can't marry up the two images. They probably think they are being neutral. In reality, I suspect you are.

Ok, well I am not feeling quite so much like I am being the unreasonable one because I can't give this person unquestioning support.

But....if you were in this position, do you not think that you would worry about the impact on the other person of trying to remain a bit independent? I.e. if they were completely innocent, then they would be going through all of this without the proper/full support of close friends/family? There's also I think the importance of 'being seen' to retain the support of everyone around you in a situation like this.

The other side of this is that I find some of the detail of it all a bit triggering, but because what happened to me is now in the past, whereas what's happening to this other person is happening now, I feel like I have to put my own feelings to one side.

What are his reactions to this case? Could you be feeling that your friend's reactions are a bit off?

I think the reaction that is bothering me is the fact that his attitude, and perhaps in some ways more importantly the attitude of other people close to me, is to pull apart the 'holes' in the accuser's version of events. Which is understandable I guess, but from my perspective all the 'holes' are not necessarily 'holes' as I can see why the accuser may have behaved in those ways and it is not necessarily a 'hole' in their story. For example, if someone texts their abuser, I know it does not necessarily mean that the abuse didn't happen - but this is the kind of thing they are saying.

Maybe I am being too sensitive about it, but this kind of attitude really gets to me because it demonstrates to me exactly why I have not been able to tell these people what happened to me. I don't think they would have any idea of the level of control and kind of denial that can go on, i.e. if someone texts their abuser they may just be trying to pretend to themselves that none of it happened....not sure I am making any sense now though. I think they would all assume I was to blame for the things that happened with me.

Furthermore, I see 'holes' in the account of the person I am close to, but for some reason no one else around me appears to be seeing them. Which leads to a strange feeling of my reality being so very different from their realities when we talk about it, and I pretend to see what they are seeing which gets confusing and reminds me of the relationship that I used to me in myself.

I am not sure I can really do anything about this though, I guess things will progress and there will be a conclusion at some point one way or another.

So, these people don't know about the abuse?

They don't know much no, certainly nowhere near the full extent of it, but I don't want to tell them. Especially not now. Does that mean I sound like I am being completely unreasonable, as they don't really know?

Oh OP, this sounds really difficult.

I think that you're doing really well to remain neutral, and to be honest I think the "closing ranks" thing sounds quite insidious even if it may be the natural reaction of some people.

If people push you just say, "I am supporting X but we all show support differently and I'm sure if he had a problem with how I was showing this, he could tell me himself"

This must be so hard.

It's difficult to really give an opinion as you've not given a lot of detail.

Personally though, if the 'abuse'you refer to. Is rape/assault/violence by a man against a woman, I'd be more inclined to believe the accuser/victim.

You mention false accusations in your OP. the level of false accusations for any crime is very low. That said, the rate of successful prosecutions for eg rape,is so low even once the victim has plucked up courage to report it.

I have been 'abused' and told no one. Why? I would be the bitter ex and trying to ruin the reputation of a charming man and 'good father'.

Perhaps step away from all conversations with your friends and explain that it's 'triggering' without going into detail?

.

They probably think you don't believe this person. And it really doesn't seem like you do, at least not fully.

I think it's good you are keeping your eyes open about this person.

You can probably say that you want to believe them, but you need to keep an open mind. Being friends is not necessarily blindly believing another person. I am prepared to accept that loved members of my family could do bad things. We never know other people 100%.

It's partly what tippytap is saying about the low % of successful prosecutions for rape t though that, according to the view of those I am dealing with, is why it's so difficult for people who are genuinely falsely accused atm. Their view is that there is so much pressure on the police to secure a successful conviction, and so it becomes more about meeting targets for rape prosecutions and less about establishing the truth.

I am not someone who would usually give any credence to that view at all. But those close to me have pointed out that the supposed low rate of false allegations defines a false allegation as a situation where the woman retracts the allegation and says it was false herself. So they believe that there are a number (who knows how many) cases where the woman doesn't admit it was false, but where the case doesn't proceed -or maybe still does - but then it doesn't get recorded as a false statistic. I have no idea whether this is actually the case or not.

I guess I will never truly know in the case of my friend anyway. But in a way it's really hard to hold in mind that he could be innocent, because somehow the possibility that the accuser fabricated it makes me feel really responsible for the stuff that happened to me, even though it was a totally different situation logically. It means that although I can then see him as innocent, I end up having all tnese horrible thoughts about myself. It is making me feel slightly crazy, as I know logically that it's two different situations. I know it's perfectly possible that my friend has been falsely accused, and that should in no way denigrate what happened with me. But I can't seem to feel that.

But the number of rapes that go unreported, let alone never reaching prossecussion stage must be immensely higher than false allegations. Who would want to claim rape if it wasn't?
Would this woman (if that is the case) be looking for money, revenge, notoriety? Could you identify a reason for her to cry rape?
I'd be inclined to believe the victim every time, too.

And I think it's normal that you feel that their dismissiveness of this claim reflects on you. I'd be upset that they would so easily blame the woman/claimant.

The big problem with rape is that it's so difficult to gather evidence.
Not dissimilar to dv. Most cases are unreported or never reach court. Comparatively, the rate of false claims must be so tiny.

So it's a rape allegation then?

The level of false reporting for rape is much the same as any other crime, yet, the impression given by the media is that it's much, much, higher.

Also, the level of rape reporting is low. You would report to the police that you'd been burgled. Raped? And be disbelieved, held to account regarding previous sexual encounters and basically put on trial yourself? Why on earth would a woman report this? Even if a women courageously did report an assault to the police. Even if the man was prosecuted. The chences of a conviction are pathetically small.

I think, I'd believe the victim.

I'm sorry that you're in this position.