I want to trust this person but how do I do that

[MatildaWishes]

I have posted before about how I was previously in an abusive relationship, but have name changed for this.

Someone I am close to has been accused of abuse, and this person maintains it's a false allegation. My relationship with the person who has been accused is generally good. I need to be able to trust this person and demonstrate to them that I have faith in them and believe them. They are absolutely devastated by the allegations. I don't want to say anything further about the allegations, I realise that overall most allegations of abuse are not unfounded, and don't want to debate that.

The problem I have is that my own history of an abusive relationship is making it very hard for me as I keep identifying with the accuser's perspective, I can't seem to see beyond that. I know that the person who has been accused is a lovely person, who deserves support. But the problem for me is that my ex was also someone who appeared to be a lovely guy to others, which is meaning I can't trust my instincts anymore. I feel like I am really letting my friend down by not being more supportive, I am worried they will be able to tell that I don't really believe them. Has anyone else been through anything similar? Any suggestions as to how I can make myself trust someone again?

tippytap I agree with everything you have said, I really do. This is why it's a headfuck

If anyone happens to read and knows of any links to any information about false allegations that presents the information in a very balanced way then please let me know. I have googled again tonight but seem to get stuff that fits with my own view (which has been described to me as a man hating perspective) or stuff that I am not comfortable reading as it's pretty angry/anti women. Maybe my own view is actually the balanced view though, and I just need to see that more clearly.

I am tempted to start a thread to talk about this on FWR, but feel that it is sadly likely such a thread would turn into a bunfight...

Here's a perspective considering the rate for false allegations very high.

www.theforensicexaminer.com/archive/spring09/15/
www.cps.gov.uk/publications/research/perverting_course_of_justice_march_2013.pdf

Your friends have said that some cases that aren't prosecuted don't get reported as false accusations (I presume this is a very small number of cases)

This balances against the number of women in dv relationships that are pressured to drop rape charges against their partners and have to say they've lied to do so.

It's very messy but I'd say that the percentage of false rape accusations is still miniscule compared to the amount of rapists that get away with it

Thanks for the links Lweji. They are more what those I am speaking to would call man hating, but having thought about this a bit more I think I am the one with the more balanced view. Given the fact that it's so hard to get a successful prosecution for rape, the view that I am being told is man hating is probably just the sensible approach to take.

The problem I have with the cps link is that they are only counting instances where it's provable in the legal sense that the allegations were false. I would like to know how many instances there are where the police suspect a false allegation but have no proof it's false. But I realise the stats on that aren't available, and of course it's just a drop in the ocean anyway compared to the number of men who get away with rape. And of course historically there is the perception you wouldn't be believed anyway...

I think that probably I am not going to find any reassuring stats or information that can help me feel more comfortable in relation to my friend. I basically just need to be more comfortable with having an independent view and keeping myself a bit separate where I can. Thanks again.

I think I read somewhere that a man was statistically more likely to be raped (by another man) than falsely accused of rape. I will ponder.

A few women are raped but incorrectly identify their rapist - I don't know how these are recorded statistically.

how is the cps gov uk man hating? :)

Mind you, that was a quick google. If you dig deep you are likely to find more interesting data.

I don't personally think the CPS one is man-hating at all, it reads as a very balanced document to me and the case studies in there are reassuring. The bit that throws me though, well there's two bits:

1. the section on p32 where it says that if the accuser has accused other people in the past then that means little as it has been shown that the same women are often targeted more than once. I honestly am very well aware that this is true on a personal level, however this doesn't seem to me to be fair on the accused.

1. the section on p31 where it says that if there is evidence that the accused has fabricated, then it should be borne in mind that she may have fabricated it because she was afraid she would not be believed. I am really uncomfortable with that. It just feels like things have swung too far the other way. I like the comparisons to other crimes, i.e. the stats that can show that the rate of false reporting is no higher with rape than with any other crime. But how does this bit about making allowances for the fabrication of evidence fit with reference to other crimes? It doesn't, does it, because if you fabricated evidence in any other crime no allowance would be made.

I don't know, I am not trying to upset anyone by asking these questions and I do have personal experience of reporting dv to the police. I guess this comes down to me looking for some information that will reassure me in some way that it is ok to feel a particular way about the person in question, but also reassure the other people involved in this that it is ok for me to feel differently to them about it. And maybe I am just not going to find any data that will help me with that, because there is nothing available and I just have to accept that I will feel crap about it either way because either I feel like he is guilty which is bad, or I feel that he is not guilty and then I feel like the stuff that happened with me somehow I was responsible for which is crap. And maybe I am not making sense anymore either.... But thanks all who have tried to give me a different view.