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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

End of the world

45 replies

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/12/2013 16:59

Three weeks ago my world was perfect apart from my DH's stressful job. I supported him as much as I could (own business, finance etc). Doctor diagnosed depression but DH thinks that they can just say that about anyone. He also has high blood pressure.

We had a great weekend, out with friends for dinner until late, great sex on the Sunday morning (DS on a sleepover), DSS came for tea - perfect. A very normal weekend for us.

Monday he tells me he is no longer in love with me, hates the domesticity of being at home and is unhappy and has been for a few months. I was devastated. So hurt, thinking everything had been fine.

He is adamant it is not stress or depression related, and is now saying he just feels empty and has no feelings, not just that he does not love me. I am not sure. He gets angry, he cries, he ignores me ...

Thing is I remained very calm, but a few days later I lost it and said some pretty shitty things about how everyone would hate him for abandoning his family etc. it is now this that he seems to be focused on - the fact I said things to purposely hurt him. He just doesn't get it.

So here we are. Trying. Which consists of me being as normal as I can and him lying on the bed, the sofa, the chair making sad eyes. When I suggested he leave to get space he looked at me in panic, them muttered something about timing and not fair on DS if he took time out before Christmas.

I know there is no one else ( works with men, checked phones, email, is here every weekend, hardly goes out at night other than locally etc). I am not naive but I know there isn't.

So I am in limbo, is he staying for Christmas, does he not love me, does he even want to go? Is it depression, unhappiness or boredom?

So confused.

OP posts:

EirikurNoromaour · 16/12/2013 17:02

Kick him out! What a dick. How can you stand having him around?

DelGirl · 16/12/2013 17:05

Thats helpful eiri

MatryoshkaDoll · 16/12/2013 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/12/2013 17:10

Eiri because I love him and don't want to throw away 16 great years over him being unhappy for a few months ...

OP posts:

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/12/2013 17:13

Matry he is saying he has no feelings for anything, not just me.

OP posts:

Lavenderhoney · 16/12/2013 17:19

Timing- does he mean he plans to leave after Christmas when his rental starting first jan kicks in, or that's what he has planned with someone else? I know you say he doesn't have anyone else, but you don't really know, for sure. It could be someone at work who is also married.

It sounds horrible for you.

MatryoshkaDoll · 16/12/2013 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meerka · 16/12/2013 17:30

It sounds like real depression. He needs to see a doctor I think.

Admittedly I dont think he can exactly be upset if you say a few mean things to him after he tells you he is no longe rin love with you and hates the domesticity of home! But people ain't always rational ...

Mainly it sounds like something he needs to get checked out medically.

Andy1964 · 16/12/2013 17:33

None of the above messages are very helpful in my opinion and none of you can possibly have experienced depression as the OP is.

I have, my DW suffered from it and I suffered from it and it can be very destructive to a healthy loving relationship.

This is your DH depression, it is not him. It is a serious illness and he should not ignore what the doctor is telling him.

Q; Was he prescribed and meds and if he was is he taking them?

Only your DH can admit to his depression, this is the very first step in getting better. He needs to admit this and get back to the doctor if he is not on meds. Until this happens not much will change unless he climbs his way out of his own accord.

He can't help the way he feels about you and his life. It's the illness.
My DW hated me and both of out DC's
She said she could quite easily have packed her bags and left without any remorse.
I sometimes felt that we would be better off without her bringing the rest of the family down.
I would sometimes take the DC aside and just explain to the that Mummy still loved them, she just was not very well.
She became someone I did not know, very reclusive, dismissive, couldn't be bothered with almost everything.
Hated her life.

Speaking as someone who has experienced it from your point of view, the only thing I can suggest is that when you bring up the subject of depression that you do it softly. Most people won't want to admit it, my DW didn't.
I left Internet history for her to find when I was looking it up. Would drop the subject if it started to wind her up but would bring it up again a few weeks after.
Sometimes I would snap and rant at her (this is not advisable and not helpfull at all but sometimes it just gets to you)

There is absolutly NOTHING to be ashamed of for being depressed, it can strike at the very best and strongest of us and it needs to be and can be treated succsefully.

There is no quick fix to this, you will both be in it for the long run but be brave, be patient. It will be really hard.

Good luck

LittleMissRedSparklyBaubles · 16/12/2013 17:37

I think it sounds very much like your DH has depression. Has he been prescribed medication?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 17:37

I think you should take him on face value and ask him to step out for a while. Being gloomy together and hostile with each other isn't helping either you or his depression and some calm time apart to think, recharge, get treatment or whatever could be what you both need to de-stress. This is not 'LTB'... but the status quo is not tenable.

Jan45 · 16/12/2013 17:41

Sorry but whether he has depression or not, that doesn't give him the right to drop a bombshell on you and then when you call him up on it, he's like a rabbit in headlights. He either wants to go or stay, simple as that and even with his depression, he needs to give you answers or something - lying about with sad eyes isn't fair on you, after saying that to you.

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 17:45

I was going to say just what Cogito has written. Agree with him, and start to arrange a trial separation. Consult him on the practical arrangements and support him in this way. Depression is ok, but making you unhappy with unkind comments (and you him) is not.

Andy1964 · 16/12/2013 17:46

In my experience of depression your partner will need all the support you can give him.
NONE OF THIS IS HIS FAULT! its an illness.

You may get a few virtual black eyes, and feel pretty beaten up but the last thing he needs is to move out, this will only deepen his depression. He needs to know that come what may his wife and his children are always there for him.

Cog, with all repect (and I do respect most of your advice) I think your wrong on this occasion

sisterofmercy · 16/12/2013 17:46

It does sound like depression. He needs to get help.

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/12/2013 17:57

I wish he would get help, he is in denial. His blood pressure also high, despite being on medication and he won't go and see about that either.

Thanks for the responses - Andy thanks for your honest and personal response - it is so difficult

OP posts:

wetwetwetfan · 16/12/2013 18:32

wetwetwetfan · 16/12/2013 18:34

Sorry don't know how to do links on this machine... the above video on YouTube is about depression. Take 2 minutes to watch it... see if it relates to anything you or your husband are going through...

Angus99 · 16/12/2013 18:37

Andy 1964 has given the soundest advice yet. I cannot know your situation exactly or how your DH feels. But The aggressive reaction from some people on this thread is frankly disgusting. Statements like 'whether he has depression or not, he has no right' and ' he needs to manage his illness and not drag the family down'. Imagine saying that about someone with some other medical condition. As for Lavenderhoney and her' you don't really know he has not got someone else' that is just pouring poison into someone's ear who is already facing a great trouble (ie the OP) I have suffered from bouts of depression and my OH's life has been very hard at times as a result. Ultimately it is possible that persistent untreated depression makes your life unaccepotable in its current shape OP and if it came to that it would be no shame if you had reached a point where it was your happiness or his. But i feel there is a long way between where you are and that point, though only you can know whether that is true. The love of your OP is invaluable when you are depressed, it can make all the difference. The closest we have come to our positions being reversed was when my OH suffered a bereavement of a young and very close family member ans understandably became depressed herself - I fortunatley was not depressed at the time. but I felt useless and for months felt I could be no help, I felt our relationship was at risk. OH eventually got outside help and she eventually escaped the depression and we survived as we have survived my two or three very bad bouts of depression (over a 20 year period. Look after yourself OP, because there is no doubt the OH of someone with depression suffers from it too, perthaps worse in a way. But ignore the bigots on this thread. As Andy1964 says they clearly have no experience of real depression and their views are worthless.

wetwetwetfan · 16/12/2013 18:42

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/12/2013 20:03

Thank you Andy and Angus, and everyone else. He refused to believe the doctor, saying he was just miserable and not depressed. He refused any medication or counselling.

Thing is he has a history of depression, has suffered before but thinks this isn't the same as he feels differently.

He has been a fabulous husband and is the kindest and funniest man I have ever met. He is a fabulous dad, brother and friend. At the moment he is not great at any of them. I link it all to work, but he disagrees - despite the fact he is doing the job of three people at the moment.

Deep down I know it is the depression talking - and if he does leave then it is that not because he wants to when rational - otherwise he wouldn't get so upset about the very thought of it.

It doesn't stop it hurting or being difficult - I also know it may end as he may continue to refuse help. But I will get by, my priority is my boy.

OP posts:

MatryoshkaDoll · 16/12/2013 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Brokenpurpleheart · 16/12/2013 21:22

He does, but how do I make him if he does not accept it? Hence the kid gloves and nicely nicely approach. I have broached the subject and he has tentatively agreed to counselling together if he still feels the same in "a few weeks". It is a step in the right direction. Day to day is OK . He is sleeping lots

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 21:27

Why on earth should the OP suffer 'virtual black eyes'? Why must she sacrifice her life on the altar of someone else's depression If the man is sick he needs treatment, not an Aunt Sally to 'virtually punch'. That's just making two people miserable instead of one.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 21:29

How do you make him if he doesn't accept it? ... By taking compromise, kid gloves and nicely nicely totally off the table. If you keep doing the same thing you can't expect a different outcome.

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