End of the world

[Brokenpurpleheart]

Three weeks ago my world was perfect apart from my DH's stressful job. I supported him as much as I could (own business, finance etc). Doctor diagnosed depression but DH thinks that they can just say that about anyone. He also has high blood pressure.

We had a great weekend, out with friends for dinner until late, great sex on the Sunday morning (DS on a sleepover), DSS came for tea - perfect. A very normal weekend for us.

Monday he tells me he is no longer in love with me, hates the domesticity of being at home and is unhappy and has been for a few months. I was devastated. So hurt, thinking everything had been fine.

He is adamant it is not stress or depression related, and is now saying he just feels empty and has no feelings, not just that he does not love me. I am not sure. He gets angry, he cries, he ignores me ...

Thing is I remained very calm, but a few days later I lost it and said some pretty shitty things about how everyone would hate him for abandoning his family etc. it is now this that he seems to be focused on - the fact I said things to purposely hurt him. He just doesn't get it.

So here we are. Trying. Which consists of me being as normal as I can and him lying on the bed, the sofa, the chair making sad eyes. When I suggested he leave to get space he looked at me in panic, them muttered something about timing and not fair on DS if he took time out before Christmas.

I know there is no one else ( works with men, checked phones, email, is here every weekend, hardly goes out at night other than locally etc). I am not naive but I know there isn't.

So I am in limbo, is he staying for Christmas, does he not love me, does he even want to go? Is it depression, unhappiness or boredom?

So confused.

I would be more miserable if we separated without trying. He is a good man and until three weeks ago was a fabulous husband. I will not give up without trying to save it. I won't throw away 16 years and a great life easily - but going at it full on will just push him away - as people have said he is ill.

Is he aware (and are you) that many depressed people feel empty rather than sad?

Google Goldberg depression test and get him to rate himself. A man might respond better to a quantified "number" telling them about how depressed they are, rather than relying on "feelings".

Encourage him to discuss the result of the test with his GP, they also seen to appreciate this approach.

Very sorry you are going through this, as you can see my advice is biased towards helping him with his mental health issues, rather than along him to leave. If he scores low on the test, my advice might change!

MatryoshkaDoll - your attitude is medieval, cruel and ignorant and I suspect sexist. Would your reaction be the same if we put the word 'post-natal' in this discussion. Thus: 'if this isn't the post-natal depression talking and you don't love me then fuck off!'

I'm afraid I'm with the 'Medieval' crowd here.

Brace yourself for more revelations in the new year, OP.

Sorry

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not listen to the feminist old fashioned ideas others are posting on here.

Please refrain from posting such utter rubbish. IT DOES NOT HELP!

I am disgusted at some of the responses on here.

STOP IT

When my DW was suffering from the illness depression she did not accept it to start with either. On several occasions se said she would be better off without us, on many occasions both my DC and I felt like we had been 'virtually' beaten up by her dark moods.
SUPPORT is the key, both proffessional and personal.
The other posters are NOT helping and clearly have no experience of living with depression and are cruely using it as an excuse to do some 'man bashing'

You can't and possibly shouldn't make him visit the GP. He needs to see for himself and accept that he is depressed. (From experience)
The only thing you can do is to suggest it when it comes up in conversation and encourage it if he is thinking of making an appointment.
Once he sees the light, once he accepts he is depressed and needs help, then he will be on a slow road to recovery.
Don't expect a magic overnight cure, there isn't one.
Your in this for the long haul adn I won't pretend that its not hard or upsetting and it will be a massive strain on your relationship.

What's fucking "feminist" about the comments on here??

takes a deep breath

I don't think that protecting your own health and happiness and that of your children is mutually exclusive with supporting your partner get through a depressive episode. I love my partner, but I wouldn't put his mental health before my child's. This is why I supported the idea of taking the OP's husband at his word and suggesting a trial separation. Let him have his space.

There is nothing feminist or anti-feminist about the comments on this thread and I'm interested that you brought feminism in to it.

Do you see it as 'feminist' to protect your own emotional and mental health rather than sacrifice yourself at the alter of someone else's for no purpose? Fine.

Sorry, I feel I need to share some experiences with the OP

I remember one Saturday, we are all home as it was the weekend and my DW was having a bad day. She was still able to talk to me in her moods. She told me she didn't love me, couldn't handle the kids, didn't want to be with us anymore. She was pretty cruel about it too, speaking agressivley, swearing, ranting, generally really horrible.
I was repairing some fences in our garden at the time and rather than get into a big row I retreated to the garden, hid behind some fence panels and wept for about an hour.
I didn't know what to do, what I had done wrong, who to talk to, wether or not I had a marriage anymore and if the boys would still have their Mum around.

That was probably her deepest, darkest day.

There were many days like this. Days when even I felt I'd had enough.
My DW would go to bed early and I would sit up for hours going through things in my head, researching depression.
It was really hard to suggest to a loved one that they may be depressed.
I didn't want my DW to be depressed, I just wanted my happy, loving wife back but it seemed that she had left and was replaced by someone horrible.

I can't stress how horrible illness can be.

There was nothing I could do, if I was nice it was wrong, if I snapped and was angry it was wrong, if I was supportive and compassionate it was wrong.

We made it though and if I had taken some of the poor advice that you are being given by some posters I would not be in my incredibly happy marriage now.
I believe it changed us, it made us stronger, tighter and strangely more in love.

Hope this helps

Virtual Hugs n Kisses to you (you probably need them right now)

He does sound like he is suffering from depression, which is a mental illness and can make people say or do horrid things. HOWEVER, if he won't accept this as fact or seek help (even though he has been diagnosed!) there is very little you can do, sadly. Unless he accepts what is going on, this probably won't have a positive outcome in terms of you as a couple. I'm so sorry, OP . But brace yourself for making a decision of your own if he continues to refuse all treatment options. All the best.

What's feministic and medieval about the responses on here???

Just cos someone is depressed doesn't automatically entitle them to put down and hurt their partner, or anyone else for that matter, I'm afraid depressed or not, taking your illness out on your loved one should be the wake up call this man needs, he's being cruel and needs to take ownership of his problem, not make it his partner's one too.

As ever, Cog says it better.

@Andy1964... I'm glad your marriage is in better shape but you have to understand that not everyone is willing or prepared to endure that kind of abuse. Doesn't make them (or me) a bad person or 'mediaeval' just a human being with limits and mental health needs of their own. Insisting that they put themselves through torture just because that was the path you took is narrowing down their options.

I'm also going to take exception at 'feminist' being used as an insult. The OP is clearly very caring, as are you, but there is a long, long history of women being required by society to park their own needs and feelings for the sake of keeping some man or other happy, often at huge personal cost.

Ok, ok. He is not constantly hurting me. He has told me all of this and is now trying. He feels empty inside, did say he didn't love me them changed that to didn't love himself so how could he love me.

Believe me when I say that if this was upsetting DS then DH would be gone. DS works long hours and is gone before DS and I get up and is back just in time for stories. We then eat, chat and he goes to bed. At the weekend we went out for a drink and it was relatively normal. It is the sadness and emptiness that breaks my heart, more than him saying he doesn't feel anything. His crying and declarations of self loathing are hard to hear.

Andy your last post sounds exactly where I am now. I can do no right. I am either overbearing or abandoning him.

I am not putting myself through torture, I am fighting for my man ... For my sake, my DS and my DHs.

We did the Goldberg test by the way and he was very economical with his answers - it still came up with moderate + depression - and I know that in some places he did not put how he had told me he was feeling (putting lower grade answers).

Poor Andy has been tagged as the person who used the word 'medieval' when it was me. It was the politest word I could think of at the time.

First things first - quite how Eirikur has the bottle to contribute any further amazes me. Anyone who is new to this thread should refer back to Eirikur's first post. Faced with a question by the OP about her problems and the fact the GP has diagnosed her DH as depressed Eirikur's high speed and cruel response was "what a dick". I am afraid it rather set the tone. But please will everyone stop for thirty second to think about that response, because I do not believe that any remotely humane and intelligent person can find it anything but contemptible.

Secondly, I suspect I am also responsible for bringing sexual politics into this, because I raised my suspicion that if the OP had been a man talking about his DW suffering post-natal depression for three weeks, reactions would have been very different. I may be wrong, but I would ask everyone to again ponder for a moment, put aside their pride and examine themselves and ponder whether this might just be true.

My suspicion remains that too many posters read the OP and saw "emotionally abusive man". There are plenty of them about so perhaps that is understandable.
I saw "someone suffering a depressive illness". But maybe that's just because I chose to trust the OP who told us that this was the diagnosis of a medical professional.

Implying as many posters appear to have done, that if he won't help himself then he has only himself to blame, is ignorant of mental health issues. As Andy has pointed out, coming to terms with and so taming depression can be a long process and a painful one. Some of the comments here amount to saying "well if he won't pull himself together and go to the doctor..."

As I said in my first post, it is possible that OP's life is already unbearable, perhaps it will become so. Without doubt it may be that ultimately she may decide that her happiness and that of her DC are best protected away from DH. Only she can be the judge of when and if that is or becomes the case. If it does then she should feel no shame.

My one personal view would be that breaking up the relationship even as a trial, will not help DH's chances of recovery.

Finally, why would anyone make sacrifices for someone else? Why did Andy put himself through agony? Why did my DW stand by me in my depression?

Love? Sorry is that just silly?

Love is not a cure-all. It may not even be strong enough to cope with a depressive. But it might. Oddly despite this topic section being "relationships" the idea that helping someone because you love them seems to be bizarrely missing from most posters considerations.

OP, you clearly love you DH, there is every reason to believe that behind his illness he still loves you too.
Again I say, look after yourself and DC and do not put your long term safety or happiness at risk, but you are not wrong to want to try to help your DH and your relationship.

Thank you Angus. Your words give me strength to get through today. It's baby steppes day by day - looking for a positive. Yesterday he laughed at something daft I said, he has not done that for a while.

I agree with you that some people on here miss the point that I love him as a partner and as a friend - I would not abandon a friend in need either.

I accept that we may not get through this, as I said earlier DS is the most important person in this, but I will try and if it all goes even worse then at least I can say I gave it my best shot

What Andy said.

Good luck OP