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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh saying if i really loved him i would...

46 replies

SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 12:16

I met my husband 20 years ago,been married 12 and have a small child just started school. We lived in different parts of the country when we met and after a few years i moved to be with him and we bought a house together and then got married.

All was great until a few years later i began to miss being close to family and friends and when the subject of starting a family came up i knew i wanted to be closer to home so i could get maternal support etc. Dh wasn't so keen to relocate even though in his line of work it would mean more opportunities and better pay but eventually agreed. When i told him it would be hard for him as he is also close to his family,he told me he wasn't as weak as me(!) and it would be o.k.

Since then (about 8 years) our relationship has been rocky. He clearly resents me for the move. It hasn't helped that about 10 years ago he was diagnosed with a serious health issue and that was a big blow for the both of us but thankfully he has been o.k so far and as far as i'm concerned we're in this together.

So from time to time he becomes cold and distant,more so since the birth of our Dc because he misses home (we go about 4 times a year and his family stay with us 4 times a year and Skype twice a week),worries about his health and resents the fact that my family see more of our Dc than his.

The past two years he has been pressuring me to relocate an hour away so that he can be an hour closer to his hometown although that would still be a 3 hour journey (without traffic). I've told him that it doesn't make sense to relocate and move our Dc from her school and then not be close to either set of family and friends. I fear i will be isolated and if things go wrong i'll be stuck somewhere unfamiliar and not be able to move back into the area we are in,leaving me in a vulnerable position as i gave up my full time job to look after our child and four years on my job prospects are not looking good.

The bottom line is he is now saying if i loved him i would move.
Any advice please? And thank you for looking at this long post.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 12:20

Nothing more depressing than conditional love... Everyone's opinion is valid with a family decision and pulling out the 'if you loved me... ' card is a cheap trick. Disturbing that he called you 'weak' for wanting family support. Equally disturbing that he has become cold and distant (sounds like) because he's not getting his own way. If he didn't have this serious health issue would you still be with him?

Lweji · 16/12/2013 12:22

Does he really want to be close to his family, or does he want you to be far from yours?

And his argument seems like emotional blackmail.

He's not even asking to go back to where his family lives, but you'd be 3 hours away from one and 1 hour from the other. It does not make sense at all.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/12/2013 12:24

If he loved you, he would stay.

Twinklestein · 16/12/2013 12:32

It's not a very sensible idea so it sounds like more of a power game.
Moving an hour from your own network but still 3 hours from his puts you in no man's land.

Perhaps he's testing you to see if you would do for him what he did for you.

I'm a bit surprised that he's that tied to his family. He sees them 8 times a year and Skypes twice a week. They're only 4 hours away, it's not as if they're abroad.

It's a bit ironic that he told you that he's 'not as weak as you' - and then can't be without them. It also shows a complete lack of understanding of women's need to be near their mothers when having children for advice, support etc. You can call on your own mother when you can't call on your MIL or anyone else.

As a compromise, is there any possibility of going for the weekend more often?

Original poster
SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 12:36

Thanks for replying cognito. The health issue isn't why i'm still here. I do love him. We had a big argument over the relocating about a year ago and i told him i couldn't take the emotional roller coaster any more and was his moods etc and thought it better to split. He was devastated and promised to try and talk things through in the future rather than go cold.

It was fine for about 6 months then the odd disagreement etc. I am by no means perfect but it does seem than all seems good (and we do have good times) with us then he rocks the boat. I could tell he was distant and moody the last 8 days. When i questioned it,i got "i'm just tired' or "i don't feel very well" until yesterday he tells me about wanting to relocate again and that he'd been thinking that i don't love him anymore.

He says he's seen a change within me the last year that i'm not so affectionate and loving with him and that he feels he is just serving a purpose for me i.e. bringing in the money. I told him that i love him but i feel like in the past few years i've been personally attacked me so i withdraw to save myself getting hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 12:41

Thanks all for your replies. Everything you have all said has backed me up. I'm so glad i posted. I told him about being in no mans land and he says i'd only be an hour away but of course that would not be in traffic!

Also about wanting to be near my family especially since having our child.
I'm very independent but it's great to have them nearby.

I don't know where i go from here. It seems we are going around in circles. My heart is breaking

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 12:42

'Tired' and 'not feeling well' sound like big excuses to me. Silent 'distant and moody' treatment is Chapter 1, Page 1 of 'Controlling Tecnhiques for Dummies'. He knows you can't call him out for being tired or not feeling well because of the illness situation... they're his trump card and they make him unassailable.

I don't think you believe it when you say you love him.

Original poster
SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 12:43

twinklestein i suppose we could go up more often but his mum is quite busy out and about so it does take a bit of arranging

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/12/2013 12:43

So from time to time he becomes cold and distant,more so since the birth of our Dc

That's usually when abusers reveal themselves. Just saying.

Original poster
SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 12:46

cognito i completely agree with you about the illness...how can i disagree when he says he's tired etc i would seem cruel if i did. It does get really tiring.
Why do you think i don't believe i love him?

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 16/12/2013 12:48

I don't think this is about moving at all. It sounds a lot like projection, especially the 'I don't think you love me' card.

Usually when this is being accompanied by distanced behaviour and a 'setting-you-up-to-fail' unreasonable request that makes absolutely no logic or sense, it points to an affair.

Is that likely? It goes without saying that it's not impossible, doesnt it?

Original poster
SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 12:48

Lweji i think he became this when we relocated to my neck of the woods but i noticed it more when we had our child.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 12:50

I think you're desperately telling yourself you love him because you're frightened of the alternatives, frightened of being cast as the 'heartless cow that left a sick husband', frightened of family reaction ... whatever.... but years of this are causing you to detach and, in the cold light of day, you know you don't love him really.

Original poster
SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 12:51

leavenhead i thought about projection this morning. Re: affair,i don't know,will i ever? I know he loves our child more than anything and i don't think he would jeopardise that

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MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 16/12/2013 12:53

The thing is, moving an hour away would be suiting no one.

Its near his parents or near yours. They would be the only viable options to me. Moving near to his would nean new schools for the kids, new friends. Itd have to be a fucking amazing job/home/lifestyle to warrant that bg a change.

Original poster
SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 12:56

cognito yes i am scared...i would be in a financially vulnerable position,i would lose everything i worked for,i won't be able to go back to what i was doing before,the stable home for our child,the house we restored,both our families would be devastated....but i'm not frightened of being cast as the heartless cow (i don't know why)

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Original poster
SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 12:57

mortified completely agree. I had to post because i was questioning myself whether i was being unreasonable or selfish

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Leavenheath · 16/12/2013 13:00

I'd make some enquiries then if I were you. Lots of people who love their children (and even their partners) have affairs.

What other behaviour are you noticing?

QuintessentialShadows · 16/12/2013 13:04

Are you dependent on his income if he left to be with his family?

I think this is a classical case of two people who both just really wants to live near their families, and both cant have it.

Can you measure up pros and cons of living both places for both of you?

Living with moods and resentment is no way to live.

When I moved my husband to Norway to live near my family, my husband became depressed, moody and resentful. He just could not help it. We relocated back to London after just 3 years, and building a lovely self build up there. Guess what. He is still moody. And resentful. Now rather than being happy to be back, he is resentful that he spent three years of his life in the friggin Arctic, he just cant let it go. He blames everything going wrong in his life on living up there for three years. And it turns out he is not really that happy here either. And he is now and then mentioning moving back.

I have put my foot down, and I have told him. "Mate, you aint gonna be happy anywhere you live, so we are staying Right Here. I am not moving again".

In your shoes, I would stay put and let HIM move. (Now I am projecting) Wink

SilverViking · 16/12/2013 13:04

How much of an input does your mother have?
I know that one of the "slow burn" causes of damage in relationships I have witnessed has been the change in dynamics after a child is born, between mother and here mother. In some instances, the family team had become mother and her mother ("team mummy") without the realisation that the partner is feeling 3Rd or 4th place on the house. It can be a tricky balance to get right, but the consequences can be severe!
I know some mother in laws who would use the "I'm doing it for mummy" to openly over ride the fathers wishes or plans .... And unfortunately over the years, the affect are fairly obvious and detrimental.

Original poster
SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 13:11

quintessential i have already said that if i moved he'd still be moody etc there would be something else wrong then. There's no way i'd move there again and job prospects not good

silver my mother has no input other than looking after our child when we're out or taking to the park most of all goes on while he is at work. I see my parents twice a week (during the week) for a couple of hours at a time.

I only make arrangements to see parents at the weekend when it is a special occasion like a birthday or family gathering as i appreciate that he works long hours in the week and wants time to be with our child or do things just the three of us

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Original poster
SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 13:14

leavenhead i'm not noticing much else. It would be easier in a way if he was having an affair because then i would have something concrete. At the moment everything seems to be my fault

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Glenshee · 16/12/2013 14:00

"At the moment everything seems to be my fault" - have a look at this? - How You Can Survive When They're Depressed

Glenshee · 16/12/2013 14:09

On your OP I agree with the others that based on what you said his request doesn't make sense.

One explanation could be that you don't have full information, and he has an agenda that you're not aware of. For example he might be engaged in an affair, or is in an 'affair mindset' (is attracted to types of people who are not like you).

Another explanation could be MH issues which make this kind of request look and sound reasonable to him, but not to you or anyone else.

I'd say both scenarios are possible.

Original poster
SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 14:22

Thanks Glenshee. I have downloaded the book and have taken onboard what some of you have said about a potential affair. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm so hurt (again) that i don't even want to speak to him.

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