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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh saying if i really loved him i would...

46 replies

SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 12:16

I met my husband 20 years ago,been married 12 and have a small child just started school. We lived in different parts of the country when we met and after a few years i moved to be with him and we bought a house together and then got married.

All was great until a few years later i began to miss being close to family and friends and when the subject of starting a family came up i knew i wanted to be closer to home so i could get maternal support etc. Dh wasn't so keen to relocate even though in his line of work it would mean more opportunities and better pay but eventually agreed. When i told him it would be hard for him as he is also close to his family,he told me he wasn't as weak as me(!) and it would be o.k.

Since then (about 8 years) our relationship has been rocky. He clearly resents me for the move. It hasn't helped that about 10 years ago he was diagnosed with a serious health issue and that was a big blow for the both of us but thankfully he has been o.k so far and as far as i'm concerned we're in this together.

So from time to time he becomes cold and distant,more so since the birth of our Dc because he misses home (we go about 4 times a year and his family stay with us 4 times a year and Skype twice a week),worries about his health and resents the fact that my family see more of our Dc than his.

The past two years he has been pressuring me to relocate an hour away so that he can be an hour closer to his hometown although that would still be a 3 hour journey (without traffic). I've told him that it doesn't make sense to relocate and move our Dc from her school and then not be close to either set of family and friends. I fear i will be isolated and if things go wrong i'll be stuck somewhere unfamiliar and not be able to move back into the area we are in,leaving me in a vulnerable position as i gave up my full time job to look after our child and four years on my job prospects are not looking good.

The bottom line is he is now saying if i loved him i would move.
Any advice please? And thank you for looking at this long post.

OP posts:

tribpot · 16/12/2013 14:32

Changing school without a good reason is a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn't entertain it in the circumstance you describe. Whether it's 'fair' to be near your family and not his is irrelevant.

It sounds like you wouldn't see a great deal more of his family even if you moved right back there, given his mum has her own life to lead (and rightly so).

How does the worry about his health translate into wanting to be 3 instead of 4 hours from his family?

Original poster

SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 18:29

tribpot i think the worries about his health means he feels weighed down by it so other problems seem bigger. I'm exhausted by it all and don't know what to say when he gets in. He doesn't seem to get me at all and feels that i am the unreasonable one.

OP posts:

WidowWadman · 16/12/2013 18:35

Twinklestein "It also shows a complete lack of understanding of women's need to be near their mothers when having children for advice, support etc. You can call on your own mother when you can't call on your MIL or anyone else."

WTF? Are now only women allowed to be close to their families?

defineme · 16/12/2013 18:50

I think your dd is settled and near one set of grandparents. It would be totally pointless to relocate, unless it was actually to where your inlaws live.
I think you sound like you are having a shitty time (you and dh) and I would suggest counselling.I'd suggest your dh goes to dr about being depressed too.
Tbh, I find his behaviour very worrying-saying if you loved him you would, about anything, is emotional blackmail and would get a very strong fuck off from me.
However, it's impossible to say if he's playing some horrid power game with you or if he's simply depressed and behaving badly because of it.

tribpot · 16/12/2013 19:16

the worries about his health means he feels weighed down by it so other problems seem bigger

What other problems? You haven't really mentioned anything. He 'resents' the fact your parents see your dd more - well, that's inevitable when one set of grandparents are much more local than the other. He misses friends and family where he used to live? He can go and see them, then. He's had 8 years to get used to it.

I think you have set out a position with him - you are not prepared to consider this move as you don't think it will benefit the family. It has nothing to do with how much you love him, it's a practical decision.

If his health problems mean he is having regular contact with the NHS, you really don't want to move areas and have to start all that again, btw. Absolute pain in the arse.

Loopytiles · 16/12/2013 21:11

I live far from my family and many years ago had arguments with (now) day about where to live, and still find the distance very hard, so am inclined to sympathise with your H. But he made the choice to move and stay with you is not treating you well at the moment.

I would still prefer to live near my family. Some things (eg commuting) really get me down at times. But I try hard to make a good life here.

His idea of moving an hour away is not a go-er.

What's with his manipulation?

Sorry about your H too quint.

Loopytiles · 16/12/2013 21:12

Do you have a paid job OP? Is part of his resentment that you are a sham and he has to work Ft?

Original poster

SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 22:21

loopy the commuting gets him down too. Sounds like you can relate to how he is feeling.
I retrained in something recently,something I could try and do whilst dc is at school,not got many clients at the moment but this may improve. We are lucky that we don't need me to be working but I feel he is resenting this too. I did apply for a part time job at a shop I like but never heard back,I really thought I'd at least get an interview with my experience and qualifications.

I'm disappointed as he has always said he values my role as a sahm ( and at times that has been hard for me as I have always worked )but it's looking like that's no longer the case.

OP posts:

Lweji · 16/12/2013 22:27

He sounds like my ex, except he was a sahd and he resented me for working.

I don't think you can fix him at all. And regardless of what happens, I think he'll always have reason to complain.

Original poster

SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 22:38

I think you are right Lweji. I'm not sure whether I accept that this is how it's going to be e.g months of good times followed by a sulk for whatever reason. What I'm wondering is if our relationship is too good to leave and when is it too bad to stay?

OP posts:

fifi669 · 16/12/2013 22:52

Is it not as simple as he didn't want to move, but did for you, now he wants to move he'd like you to go along with it like he did?

It makes no sense to move an hour away and lose easy contact with one set of grandparents/ change schools etc. maybe he's hoping if you agree to the one hour away, you'll be persuaded to go the whole hog back to where he's from?

I can understand the not liking your parents seeing more of the kids than his. I think it's natural to want your children to like/identify more with your family than your partners (if they were to favour one).

Original poster

SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 22:58

The thing is I did move. I lived there for six years. We can't keep moving every few years. There's a child involved now.

OP posts:

Original poster

SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 23:00

Sorry four years

OP posts:

Original poster

SuitsYouFleur · 16/12/2013 23:07

Thanks for the advice everyone,off to bed am exhausted and not thinking straight. Night.

OP posts:

sarajane231 · 16/12/2013 23:15

Advice from someone who has relocated...it is a strain if you have young kids. It´s quite hard to meet people and get settled, and you can end up isolated. My son for example had pneumonia when my then partner was away on business and I felt very alone going to the hospital with no support etc.

nooka · 16/12/2013 23:33

I don't think either of you are unreasonable, it just sounds as if you struggle both to be happy in the same place. My sister was in this situation and I just think it's very hard, especially when you have children. Her dh wasn't happy in her home town/country and then she was just as unhappy in his. They've just moved back to a different town in order to be somewhere a bit more neutral but he is already feeling low about it.

nooka · 16/12/2013 23:36

Oh and I'd recommend counseling too, just for a bit of mediation if nothing else. You need to uncover the problems so that at least you can talk about them even if the end result is still that you may go your separate ways.

Poloholo · 16/12/2013 23:59

If he goes there 4 times a year the only benefit is to save 8 hours a year on those trips. Which hardly seems worth all the downsides.

Lazyjaney · 17/12/2013 00:26

How long is the commute? That can be a total grind and really exhaust and depress you after a while, especially if you are not 100% healthy and/or the job is full on and long hours. Can you move to minimise the commute, that makes a huge difference IME. That is the one move i can see that may help a lot, the others don't make much sense to me.

Also, some of the reasons given here for not moving are less important once kids start school, you don't need to be a sahm or be so close to your parents for eg. Also, kids just starting school are neither here nor there to move, it's no biggie at that age. And relocating is an inconvenience, but within the same country it's no great problem.

Original poster

SuitsYouFleur · 17/12/2013 10:01

Sorry to hear that sarajane

nookathat's why i don't want to move an hour away because i don't think he'd be happier there either. I did consider it over a year ago and even went with him to view areas but my gut was saying it was a bad move.
I think he would consider counselling as he mention it when i wanted to separate some time ago. I always saw couples counselling as the beginning of separation so never saw the sense in it. i don't know of any couples who have been and haven't split up but i see what you are saying and think it might be the way to go.

polohead i think he feels he'd be able to drive up more often

lazyjane the commute is about an hour door to door depending on rail network so i completely understand the exhaustion. However i mentioned that getting a local job would be less stressful but he always felt the money wouldn't be great and future prospects not so good. I told him i would look for work to share the financial burden but he told me that it makes his life easier to have me work during school hours only! I have tried to come out with solutions.
He went for a local job a couple of weeks ago,pay was similar and good company. He got to 3rd interview and wasn't sure he would take it anyway! He didn't get it in the end and doesn't seem bothered about it. But has now gone for another job in the city,albeit slightly less commute. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.

But thanks to all of you taking the time to post and for being objective.

OP posts:

Glenshee · 18/12/2013 11:42

"I always saw couples counseling as the beginning of separation so never saw the sense in it." - My DH believes this is the case as well and wouldn't go because, like you, he thinks their services are designed for people who no longer talk to each other and want to separate amicably. This is not true.

I go to counseling individually and it helps me to keep my self esteem in good check, practice assertiveness, establish boundaries and have realistic expectations. Counseling helps to see things more clearly, and this may lead to separation and divorce, but it doesn't have to.

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