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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So, today I will be phoning al-anon. Give me strength (and hold my hand please)

39 replies

helpmehelpmybrother · 16/12/2013 09:34

I am sorry this could be quite long, I just really need somewhere to offload.
I started a thread in Chat over the weekend about my brother, but was a bit vague as was posting from my phone and hopping and off the thread, was advised I may be better off posting here, so, here goes.
My brother was an alcoholic. He would constantly drink heavily and would often fly into rages when he was drunk.
I remember being 11, it was a few days from Christmas, he had been out drinking, my dad was out with his brother (they lived quite far apart and this became a bit of a tradition), me and my mum were watching a film and he came in, drunk, my mum told him to go to bed and sleep it off and he flew into a rage, yelled and screamed at her, and ended up in the kitchen with him holding a knife to her, she pushed him away (in self defense) and he (being drunk), lost control and fell quite badly. He then told everyone my mum had attacked him.
He would also get drunk, fall over/hit a lamppost/whatever and then call an ambulance to take him to hospital claiming he had been attacked.
A little over ten years ago he was told that if he doesn't stop drinking he would die, he was drinking himself to death. This really frightened him and he gave up. It has left him with some mental health issues, he is very much like an over sized child. He adores my DS and his other nieces and nephews.
He will often sneer at my brothers if they go to the pub ("what you got to drink for? Its so pathetic seeing people drinking to have fun, wouldnt catch me in a pub"), and although he is generally very loving he can be quite nasty.
However, the nastiness of his mood swings is getting worse, for example, my mum had had her carpets cleaned and so asked him to put his slippers on before he went into the living room as they were still a bit damp. He completely ignored her and then yelled at her right in her face when she asked why he'd ignored her.
He has also started displaying some worrying signs, such as talking to himself and he has started completely fabricating stuff that he is absolutely convinced happened but we all know is a complete lie.
He has also been seen buying beer in the local shop (now, this may not mean he is drinking again as he is such a people pleaser he could potentially be buying it for his flatmates to get them to like him - he does this, randomly)
I live about 150 miles away and feel totally helpless. I can barely sleep with worry, as I know the options are quite limited, either he is drinking again and he will die, or his mental health has deteriorated due to long term drinking, to this point, (the examples of his behaviour I have given are quite mild), that I am terrified he may be institutionalised as he cannot be trusted if he is medicated, ti take his medicine or look after himself, my father is dead and my mother is almost 60.
I am currently at work (in the office alone for most of today, and just cant concentrate), I will be phoning al-anon (as advised on the other thread) in my lunch today (I would do it at my desk, however our office has the kitchen at the back, so even though my colleagues arent here, its pretty traffic heavy).
Sorry for the long ramble I just need to offload somewhere. I just feel desperate, I have to do something, I have to. I cannot just let him drink himself to death. I feel so sad and helpless, and I cannot stop crying, but at the same time I feel so angry at him.

OP posts:
helpmehelpmybrother · 16/12/2013 11:09

Maybe I should find a reason to go home. I have been here since 7.50 and still cannot focus.

OP posts:
bragmatic · 16/12/2013 11:19

I'm here. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. X

JaceyBee · 16/12/2013 11:19

actually if he is not actively drinking at the moment a referral to mental health services may be more relevant for your brother than alcohol services? I gather al-anon is for friends and family though so certainly contact them wrt support for yourself.

Can you persuade your brother to see his GP? If you become concerned he is a risk or maybe becoming psychotic then the psych team will come and assess him, whether he consents to this or not.

helpmehelpmybrother · 16/12/2013 11:26

Thank you brag. Its hard to ascertain if he is actually drinking jaycee as he has been seen buying alcohol.
He wont see his GP as he wont see there is anything wrong with him. I am not sure how I can contact his GP (or if I am even allowed), as he has changed GPs quite a bit over the last few years, so I am not sure where he is at.
I just have a sneaky suspicion that he is drinking again, his personality changed so quickly.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 11:26

I'm a little surprised you're not more worried about the victims of his behaviour - your mother, primarily, and also yourself - rather than him. She seems to be in increasing danger and, if you do go home, surely she should be the priority for your support rather than a hopeless alcoholic? Save the people you can save rather than wasting energy trying to save those past saving? If he is institutionalised, that would be the best thing for everyone.

helpmehelpmybrother · 16/12/2013 11:32

Sorry cogito I know I haven't mentioned her on this thread, but I do worry about her I really do, I talk with her every day and I worry about her every night, I just think I have this mindset, that if we can fix him then everything will be ok.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, its just I feel I can support my mother, but I feel lost with how to support my brother. He may be a hopeless alcoholic, but he is my brother.

OP posts:
helpmehelpmybrother · 16/12/2013 11:35

Im sorry Im probably not making much sense atm, my mind is just everywhere.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 11:36

You can't fix anyone who doesn't want to be fixed. It's a tough lesson but it's only when you accept that fact that you will be able to progress. Not even medical professionals can treat someone who doesn't want to be treated. Of course he's your brother and you love him but real, concrete, effective 'support' occasionally means walking away. Continued efforts to help, ironically, can make matters worse.

Fontofnowt · 16/12/2013 11:38

Went through helping my alcoholic mum recently.
After intensive care episodes we had her move in with us for 8 months, helped her from bed bound to fit and well.
Arranged a new flat closer to us with all new furniture and decorating etc.
Six weeks after she moved on her own she was drinking again.
I feel for you and the thankless fucking task you are starting.
A hand and shoulder here if you need it, good luck.

StupidMistakes · 16/12/2013 11:43

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, if he is drinking again he needs help to stop, but if this is a mental health problem he also needs help, he sounds as if he is convinced nothing is wrong with him so I doubt he would get the help himself. I am sorry but you may need to contact adult social services or mental health team and get him assessed, if he believes what he is saying he may be seriously ill and may need to be put into a hospital for a period of time. I know this is not what you would like, but if left untreated he will only get worse. My father in law was left for a long period untreated and ended up in a hospital for several years due to it.

helpmehelpmybrother · 16/12/2013 11:45

I know cogito deep down, I know, I just can't let go just yet, I don't feel ready.
Thanks font
I know how ridiculous it sounds but as much as I love him I almost despise him. He made a large chunk of my fucking miserable, and now I am in a place I am happy I feel he is doing it again, I mean, I know its petty, but little things, like, this is the first christmas DS is aware of Christmas and so I am going all out to make that wonderful for him, but at the back of my mind is this whole bloody mess.
(like I said I know that example is a bit petty, but I am just trying to declutter my thoughts).

OP posts:
helpmehelpmybrother · 16/12/2013 11:47

Thanks stupid I need harsh, I really do.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 11:50

Alcoholics in the family do make people feel conflicted. 'Love' is a complex thing and you can love the person whilst hating the behaviour quite easily. What you can't afford to do is become so preoccupied with their choices that you get dragged into it at the expense of your own immediate family. I've seen at least two good relationships hit the rocks that way.

Fontofnowt · 16/12/2013 11:54

It isn't petty.
You spend your time dreading having to deal with their shit or feel8ng guilty because you hate their addiction so passionately.
You are allowed to want your nice things and normal life.
You deserve some happiness too.
Do your duty to your family but never forget to do your duty to yourself.
Don't let the addiction have too much power over you too it's destroyed enough already.

shadylane · 16/12/2013 11:55

Go to as many al anon meetings as you can. I am an active member and it is so incredible in many ways . Friends and people on here may be well meaning but no one who doesn't live with the affects of addiction can really understand. Al anon will help you realise your own power and helplessness over the illness. Feel free to private message me.

sincitylover · 16/12/2013 11:56

I agree with others that you have to detach, protect yourself and accept that you can't control anything at all to do with an alcoholic - am involved with one myself and it is very painful and difficult all round.

This past year in particular has been a roller coaster.

I do think it would be good to phone al-anon however I would urge caution around the 12 step they may suggest you follow.

Having looked into these extensively wrt my own situation I am very sceptical and feel that other means of support could be equally valuable.

JMHO

shadylane · 16/12/2013 11:57

One of the best things about al anon is the fact it will stop you feeling angry with the addict. His illness is as valid as any other illness but there is a lot of shame surrounding it. You no longer need to feel guilt or shame about it, you wouldn't if he was suffering from say cancer would you? Please go to an al anon meeting today.

tribpot · 16/12/2013 12:03

It seems likely he is drinking again. He has also been displaying the angry, resentful symptoms of the dry drunk.

Remember as well, it is incorrect to say someone 'was' an alcoholic. It is not a condition that you can recover from.

You cannot fix this problem, with the best will in the world. No-one can help an addict determined to use. Your brother needs specialist help, and given his apparent mental health issues a referral to the mental health team might be appropriate, if you think he is becoming a danger to himself or others.

You need to focus more on your own reaction to this problem, which is essentially going to upset and distress you and ultimately make bugger all difference to the outcome. Your own recovery process begins with Al-Anon. Good luck.

sincitylover · 16/12/2013 12:04

Don't want to start a bunfight but al-anon/AA is not the only way to cope with alcoholism. But glad it has worked for you Shady.

I don't feel ashamed of or angry with of the alcoholic I am involved with just very sad about it all and choose not to embrace al-anon.

There are many online resources for friends and family of alcoholics plus other helplines.

shadylane · 16/12/2013 12:11

No it's not but it certainly helps you to realise really we can only be responsible for ourselves and also that it affects us and makes us crazy enough to act irrationally/drunk ourselves. Good luck.

sincitylover · 16/12/2013 12:25

Agreed shady - it's taken me several months to realise that his erratic behaviour is not a reflection on my or his feelings for me. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I never engage with him about his drinking - never ask him whether he has been drinking.

I don't have the answers but just know that AA/12 steps are not for me - I feel they are disempowering, full of slogans, brainwashing, focus too much on the past and are a thinly veiled religion (masking as spirituality) - I also have major issues with the 'treatment industry' but that's another story.

Until my a 'came out' (I had no idea he was an alcoholic) I was completely naive about all of this - it has been a very steep and painful learning curve.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/12/2013 13:10

Al-anon is primarily for family members and friends of problem drinkers.

Please call them OP if you have not done so already, they can help you here process all this.

The 3cs re alcoholism are again prescient here:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Orchidheart · 16/12/2013 13:44

Good luck OP. I don't have any advice but I know my Mum found it very helpful. She continued to go long after my parents split as it helped deal with past issues.

shadylane · 16/12/2013 14:54

Sincity sorry you found al anon unhelpful. In my experience the programme is completely unfocused on the past or future but on today- that is the magic of it. However I tried it two times with long gaps in between before realising it was for me.

goinggreyagain · 16/12/2013 15:00

OP he is drinking again but probably has some mental health issues as well. Try to take a deep breath and just deal with today, one moment at a time.