But they have a *POOL!*

[MummyBeerestCupOfCheerest]

This is more of a rant, into the void of the internet. Long, sorry.

My family are a bunch of assholes. I always tell myself I won't let them piss me off again, but they always, always manage to push my buttons.

My grandparents are moving into a retirement home. This is long overdue; they can't take care of the house or themselves anymore. Last week, seeing the house packed up with a For Sale sign made me sad, even though the home was never a happy one. They just seemed so beaten down and at a loss. When they asked me to come by the following week for dinner, I agreed. They needed support, I thought.

From the moment I got in the door this evening, I was berated for:

-not visiting enough with DD and that's why she won't kiss them on demand (she's 16mo)

-not letting DD eat an orange before dinner

-not "warming" DD's high chair after we brought it in from the car

-turning off the TV after DD constantly switched it on and off.

My grandmother said I was cruel, like her mother was. She said DD would hate me when she's older. She said that DH and I were "not natural parents."

I told her this hurt me and she told me she was "just having fun." I told her it wasn't fun if it was hurtful. She told me I'm to sensitive.

Best part....

THEIR RETIREMENT HOME IS ACROSS THE STREET FROM OUR HOUSE.

I called my mother and told her this. Her reply was, they're old and having a hard time with the move.

When I said I refused to visit regularly due to the anxiety and stress they cause, my mother said "But there's a pool! DD would love it."

WHAT.THE.FUCK.

Thank you

I agree with your mother and I do think you are being a bit over-sensitive. Old people do have a habit of suddenly thinking they have carte blanche to blurt out their unwanted opinions on everyone and everything regardless of how hurtful or interfering, as though the mere fact of being old gives them some sort of special dispensation for rudeness and an immunity from needing to MTOB!

Everyone knows this - you need to learn to let it wash over you!

They would drive me potty.
Could you move perhaps?
I don't think it is fair of them to constantly criticise you no matter how old they are, to put it politely.
MOVE MOVE MOVE
I suspect your mother is glad they don't live across the road from her.

I can't wait until I'm old and can say what I want.

To be fair you'll only get about 3 days when it's warm enough to swim in the pool. Unless it's indoors, then you're fucked.

It is hard, but so many old people start to behave like this when their memory starts to go. My lovely MIL has been diagnosed with alzheimers recently and the lovely, mild mannered lady has now become very argumentative, opinionated and obstinate old woman. And having a conversation with her can be very frustrating. Nasty comments like the ones you have stated are classic signs of some forms of dementia.

They will, naturally, be very upset at moving our of their marital home and taking it out on everyone else.

Try not to take their comments personally and cut them a bit of slack. Sometimes the very old and the very young are a difficult combination, so perhaps you can visit them without your daughter in tow.

I have read your other threads about your family and was wondering why you have any sort of contact with any of them now.

Its not you, its them. Your mother's accusation of you being "too sensitive" is part of their overall dysfunctional nature and this crap has filtered down the generations. Three generations have been profoundly affected.

Your birth family are inherently dysfunctional and will not change; all you can do is stay away from them and protect your DD from their malign influences.

Would you want to move house?.

I think you have to let it go at least until they're settled in the retirement home. Just remember that they are having a difficult time and try to be charitable towards them.

We are indeed hoping to move, albeit for other reasons. I think some of the family genuinely think that once they move across the street, we won't move. Again, as I tend to feel sorry for them.

I guess what I'm struggling with is, even though they've always been hurtful to me, and even more so since I became a mother, I'm to let it ride because they're old?

Do old people get that much of a pass?

Realistically, not everyone is nice to each other because we can all die tomorrow.

I think they do get a pass, if they have been pleasant and loving people before

but if they have always been hurtful nasty people, I'm not sure?

Turn it back on her - eg. "you're cruel like my mother" you say "is that where you get it from?" If she complains "but I'm only having fun"

Etc

Sorry I don't believe they have suddenly turned like this I suspect it's being going on a long time and no, you're not too sensitive. Why would you want to visit somoene who insults you/your family?

Good luck OP

I say you don't let it ride just because they're older, unless you had a particularly warm relationship with them previously. You don't want your DD witnessing you being treated like that and for her to grow up thinking it's ok.

To be brutally frank, if they do both have Alzheimer's, they won't have a clue how often you visit. My grandmother has forgotten we've been there an hour later.

With regards to your mum, it's funny how people like that seem to be surrounded by an awful lot of 'over sensitive' people isn't it?!

Ok if they've always been hurtful that's very different to slightly confused older people who are under a lot of stress. In that case go ahead and avoid them. It goes without saying that you should ignore their "suggestions" too.

Sorry, your DGM not mother.

Why weren't you telling your dd not to turn the tv on and off? That would really annoy me.

Sorry! Ignore that! Misread your post.

She's never been the kindly grandmother type. She was ok when I was very little, but as I got older and wasn't "good" anymore, we were constantly at odds. I was really shy, and as I started to speak up a bit more, she'd always pull the "Where's my good girl?" speech.

Ugh...writing it all down is sort of embarrassing. Only an idiot would keep going back.

The pool comment reminds me of the 'But we took you to stately homes' thread. Like that's ok then, makes up for all the heartache, emotional damage etc. You're not being sensitive, they are being horrible and sounds like they always have been. I would definitely keep looking to move and until then if you feel you must visit at all, restrict it to very short, breezy in and outs, without your DD if you can manage it. Time for them to reap what they have sown, I think. Feel sorry for yourself, having family like this, not sorry for them.

Just because they're nearby doesn't mean you have to visit. And just because they're old doesn't mean they deserve consideration. If someone's been an asshole all their life, the only difference when they get old is that they're a physically frail asshole. In a person like that, a sign of dementia would be that they started to behave decently for a change. They might need more looking after, well they're going to get just that in their new retirement home (a pool! Sounds lovely!) but if their happiness is only complete if they have a younger relative to torment, sorry, they'll just have to miss out on that.

Over-sensitive, YoDiggity? why on earth humour older family members by meekly accepting that sort of unnecessary needling, OP might as well lie down and say walk all over me.

MummyBeerest you are right hurting people for sport isn't a legitimate way of de-stressing. As it is it's a continuation of earlier prods and jabs. Your DM might not grasp that but don't set yourself up for further upset.

If they had been decent people before now, the situation would be different, and the suggestions that you cut them some slack would be fair.

As it is, given the extra stuff you've now said about this being an ongoing situation where your whole family are vicious bastards to you, I don't think you are under any obligation to give these people the time of day.

They are moving to a nice retirement home where they will, presumably, get a decent standard of care. They don't deserve any extra consideration just because they happen to have got old, if they've always been unpleasant to you.

I agree with Amuminscotland if they have always been like this, it's a perfect excuse not to go round very much at all, I wouldn't, just to be told I was a cruel parent.

It's different if a beloved and very kindly grandparent suddenly starts being nasty out of character, but the older people I know are all nice and kind and love my kids. I don't think what you are describing is normal at all and I wouldn't be seeking them out, put it that way.

Hi Mummybeerest,

re your comment:-
"I guess what I'm struggling with is, even though they've always been hurtful to me, and even more so since I became a mother, I'm to let it ride because they're old?"

"Do old people get that much of a pass?"

I would have to answer no to both questions particularly in view of what I have read about them on your other threads.

I think the respondent (Emily) who thought that the pool comment was reminiscent of "well we took you to stately homes" thread was bang on. Infact if you were to agree I would also add the "they have a pool" comment onto the title of the next "well we took you to stately homes" thread.

I've been meaning to check out the Stately Homes thread!

I didn't even put the two together regarding the title

Thanks all for the replies. It felt good to let that out.

I'm not even on Stately Homes thread (although if my Mum and Aunt had still been around I might have guided them there), but it sounded like that to me.

Just because you are old you don't get a free pass. Maybe you can be a bit more grumpy, short tempered or forgetful - but it doesn't give you a free pass. If you are caring for someone with Alzheminers their personality can change, but not everyone even then becomes horrible. If you are in chronic pain it can be hard to be as patient or pleasant.

But if you've always been nasty, getting old doesn't mean people have to put up with it.

I'd say the same, mummytime.

Off topic, but what's a Stately Home? Is it just exactly that? *Not in U.K.

A house of some antiquity stuffed with culture open to the paying public, that people trail round, sometimes with large gardens or safari park attached.
In this instance part of the supposedly well-rounded, healthy, educational upbringing toxic parents claim was not begrudged their 'lucky' DCs.