Threesome got complicated...

[Honeybee88x]

Hi I am new to mumsnet. I have browsed the site many times before but never signed up but I just wanted some input about a current situation I have. I am sorry but this is going to be a long post and i am very grateful to anyone who reads it all and can help me...well i dont really know what i want from posting this i think i just want to get it all out of my head.

I will be 26 soon and have an amazing husband, who will be 28 soon and 2 kids, DD who is nearly 2.5 and DS who is 8 months.

I know that when some of you read the rest of my post you will probably think that I am lying to you or myself but My husband and I have a very good relationship we have been through alot together over the last 6 years of our relationship and we have so much respect and love for each other we talk about everything and dont really fight much. My husband has in the past been very ill and I have had to deal with the very real threat that he would be taken from me without either of us wanting that to happen and it has a way of making you appreciate each other.

My husband has always liked the idea of seeing me sleep with other men or having a threesome. we talked about this for along time and decided to make this fantasy a reality this summer. We researched this and all the sites said not to do it with someone you know as i more often than not getting complicated, but i wasnt comfortable doing it with someone I didnt know and trust so we eventually decided to ask my husbands best friend, he is 30 and single, he lives down south (we live in the East Midlands) so we dont see him all the time anyway. Ill call him D.

He agreed to experiment with us and we had alot of fun between june and august. but after having my little girl in 2011 i have been battling postnatal depression and i hit an all time low in the middle of august and after not being able to sleep for 36 hours i ran off not really thinking of what i was doing or where i was going i ended up closer to D than the East Midlands. as my husband needed to stay with our kids and i cant drive and i did not want to come home and cope with things D came to find me at the hotel i had booked myself into and after listening to me for a while he took me out to get something to eat and drove me around pointing out landmarks and we went to his house for a few minutes, we didnt stay long as his dad lives with him and didnt want to explain why i was there and my husband wasnt as this was also the first time i had been to his house (D finds it hard to get close to people so i think he wanted to get out of the hotel cos he didnt know what to say to me to make me feel better).

He took me back to the hotel and we ended up kissing and getting in the shower together until i said i had promised my husband that we wouldnt do anything sexual when he wasnt there and we stopped. D was very upset with himself for letting my husband down. as i said he is very closed off but he was visibly upset when he realised what he had done. my husband was understandly very upset and angry mainly for the fact that he felt D had took advantage of me when i was in such a vulnerable state.

my husband decided he needed some space away from him. D keep sending messages and a letter. and eventually my hubby let him back in, he is a very big part of our life our families see D as family and our kids love "uncle D" to bits and he loves them and my hubby didnt want to shut him off from all that and he missed his best friend.

we all agreed that things were getting to close and decided to stop the threesome.

my problem is that I was getting emotionally attached to D while having sex and we would cuddle afterwards sometimes for hours. I feel like i have now got to the point where i think i have fallen in love with him. i thought at first it was just because of the intimacy of the sex but it hasnt gone away. it is starting to hurt being around him and not being able to touch and kiss him. it hurts so badly to think he is going to be with someone else at some point and i cant and shouldnt do anything about it but it is still going to phsyically hurt to see someone else in his arms, kissing him and getting close to him. i am so confused it is hurting to feel this way and not being able to be with him.

but on the other hand when i look at this logically i know that i love my husband more than anything and he is my soul mate, he matches me perfectly, we have a good, close, intimate, respectful relationship and i know that if i left and had a relationship with D (thats if hed have me!) i wouldnt be happy as D has issues with intimacy and getting close to someone, he does somethings that annoy me so much and i just know that it would work for a while and then the relationship would go bad.

my husband and me have talked about all this. he knows everything about what i am thinking and feeling and he is so supportive and listens to me and tries to help me feel better but i am hurting because i know how much it must be hurting him to hear about my feelings for another man.

I have thought about this and the only way i can think of is like you broke up with someone (as thats what is feels like but worse as i shouldnt feel this way and cant really talk my feelings through with anyone) i am so confused i feel rejected and unwanted by him because he doesnt tell me he wants me or how he feels about me but my hubby always says to me that its not that he doesnt want me its just that he knows hes not allowed to show it.

but when you break uo with someone you distance yourself and have time to heel and dont usually see them again to bring up the feelings or not being wanted and you cut them off. i said to my husband i want to cut D off and have no contact so that we can deal with my feelings but he is resistant to the idea as he doesnt want to lose his best friend and doesnt want our families to question his absence as he is so ingrained in family events and have our children miss him.

I just dont know what to do anymore. i am still trying to get myself out of the black hole that opened up in august and this is another thing getting me down.

I think about D soooo much and imagine being with but i cant (and actually really dont want to ) but i cant make the feelings go away no matter how hard i try :(

[MostWicked]

I think your husband has got a nerve if hes making you feel bad for getting attached to someone that you were sleeping with because of his fantasies. Im not surprised youre in turmoil. A one off threesome with a stranger is one thing, as its sex, but how on earth would he expect you to just keep being fuck buddies with his best mate, without feelings developing. They always always ALWAYS do. Its one of the major issues with threesomes.

She agreed to the threesome.
They both researched it and found that finding someone they didn't know would be the best idea.
SHE didn't want that. SHE wanted someone who they knew.
How is that her DH's fault? The husband she loved and appreciated so deeply, and nearly lost through illness, who is now being weighed up on a list of pros and cons against his best mate?

I suspect she already fancied his mate.

[waltermittymissus]

I don't think this is DH's fault.

I also think you sound incredibly selfish speaking to your dh about your feelings for his best friend and then having your dh reassure you that D cares about you???

Seriously, if you want to stay in your marriage perhaps you should stop using dh as a sounding board for your attraction to another man. And seek some counselling.

[Golddigger]

Perhaps the op can tell us?

Honey. In your heart of hearts, did you want a threesome in the first place?
From what I am reading she never wanted it. She went along with it. Not the same thing at all.

and walter. Once she had the feelings, the best thing was for her to tell her husband. Trouble is, it hasnt quite worked.

[waltermittymissus]

Once she had the feelings, the best thing was for her to tell her husband

Yes I agree. But needing confirmation from her dh that the man they had a threesome with has feelings for her is not healthy for her, especially given her PND.

That's why I think she should stop speaking to her dh about it and start speaking to a professional who can help her process this.

[Golddigger]

I agree that it is good that she is going to see a counsellor.

[MostWicked]

From what I am reading she never wanted it. She went along with it. Not the same thing at all.

I don't see that at all. The threesomes happened over several months and she enjoyed them. She then left home and somehow ended up having a shower with this guy in à hotel room. Now she can't decide who she loves the most.
Doesn't sound like her arm was being twisted at any stage.

[paxtecum]

I too think OP was presurised into the threesome, but I suppose that isn't the issue anymore.

I don't understand why people bother to write anything just to criticise the OP.
If you can't over helpful support it would be best not to write anything.

Op has PND and is vulnerable.
Kicking her is not being helpful.

[paxtecum]

MostWicked:
Sometimes in a marriage, one partner does something reluctantly just to please the other partner.
Either to stop them asking and asking and asking, or because they want to please them.

I've been in such a marriage, with an over sexed, selfish DH who pushed and pushed boundaries.
It caused problems.

[chchchchchangesusername]

Did your husband not find it odd when you would cuddle D sometimes for hours after the threesomes?

[NettleTea]

I think she was pressurised, and went for someone she knew and trusted because she couldnt face a stranger.
I think she had PND while they were discussing it (and maybe it wasnt PND, perhaps it was stress of being pressurised into this) they must have been researching all through her pregnancy
She was only a few weeks into motherhood when it happened, a time when she should have been concentrating on bonding and being a mother - not some voyeuristic sex toy for the benefit of her husband. No surprise the PND came back bigger and harder.
I suspect hubby was too busy off on his own rocks off fantasy to bother to notice the prolonged cuddles, or to care.
I have a sneaky suspicion that his illness and potential 'being taken from us' has made OP reluctant to refuse him anything, and also hesitant to call the behaviour anything but perfect. We dont speak ill of the sick, do we? May be bang off the mark tho.
In my mind a perfect husband and father gets to the bottom of, and supports, his wifes PND, he doesnt involve her in stuff that you need to be really mentally strong for while she is emotionally and physically vulnerable.

[waltermittymissus]

You could be right though Nettle and if you are then that's a whole can of worms in itself.

If that is the case, OP, then I urge you to speak to someone even more!

Because, if your dh has taken advantage of your vulnerability to pressure you into something you didn't want to do, that's not ok and needs to be addressed.

[MostWicked]

My husband has always liked the idea of seeing me sleep with other men or having a threesome. we talked about this for along time and decided to make this fantasy a reality this summer. We researched this and all the sites said not to do it with someone you know as i more often than not getting complicated, but i wasnt comfortable doing it with someone I didnt know and trust

Where is the persuasion? Where is the doubt? Where is the reluctance?
The OP hasn't suggested anywhere on this thread that she was in any way pressurised or coerced. These encounters happened several times, they must have taken some arranging. It would have been easy to have avoided repeat meetings - but she was enjoying them.

Her DH is supporting her while she decides who she wants. He doesn't sound like an abusive git to me. Not an innocent bystander, but not the guilty party either.
Willingly going along with something like this, you have to take responsibility for the outcomes.

[MadameDefarge]

I feel for the OP. She is young, vulnerable emotionally, and has been persuaded by her DH this could be 'fun'.

I do think it takes a particular mentality to engage in swinging, either with friends or strangers.

It demands a lot of emtional stability, and an element of detachment regarding the others, while a commitment to pleasure.

It doesn't suit all folk.

I think this is what has happened for OP. It seemed like fun, a way out of feeling miserable, safe because it was with her husband, but she was not 'safe' enough in herself at the time to prevent an emotional attachment.

What they both need to do, together is to ackowledge this did not work in this instance, they need to evaluate their committment to each other.

And to be honest, I think the DH needs to man up a bit and realise what a position he has put his wife and best friend in, and stop insisting everything carries on like normal.

That is fucked now.

Time to move on, in a way that causes the least damage to their primary relationship, if that is what matters to BOTH of them.

a couple of years of not seeing D won't kill them.

Indulging in psychodramas will, as will ignoring the DH's ignoring the severe emotional impact this has had on his already fragile wife.

I find it very telling that the OP says it was the other man who provided her with the cuddles and love after sex. Where was her husband in this? Surely this is his job?

We all fuck up in our relationships. Just depends on how badly, and how we deal with it afterwards that counts.

[NettleTea]

The little thing was the fact that she suffered from PND after her daughter was born in 2011, and was still battling it while they were having these discussions.
would you not, as a loving husband, if you had these desires (not it was HIS idea, HIS fantasy and they talked about it for a long time, so to me that suggests she wasnt as keen, or it would have been quite a quick discussion) would you not send your wife off to the doctor, to get some counciling and put those thoughts on hold until she was better.

And if was 'still struggling' with PND and was now pregnant, why would you STILL be having this discussion, as it must be considered that the PND could be further exasperated by a second birth.

But truely, I just cannot get my head around the fact that only a few weeks after birth and these plans are being put into action. And within another few weeks the PND has been taken to another level.

But I am willing to admit that this could all be a figment of a cynical imagination

[BrianTheMole]

I'm not sure why you thought you'd get support. You did this when you had a tiny baby at home - hardly the most sensible and level-headed of decisions - however clearly you are not well.

Really? Why shouldn't she get support on here? She's not posting on aibu

[MadameDefarge]

Jesus, who dropped down from planet perfect?

Give the girl a break.

[MadameDefarge]

Naked, that is a shitty thing to say.

[DropYourSword]

There's some really nasty, bitchy comments on this thread that really aren't necessary. OP had made a mistake and woould like some help to deal with it. There have been some very helpful posters on here, and some that are very gleefully kicking someone when they're down.

OP I think you were right to try and cut D out of your life...you've got a crush on him that you will get over in tune. But your DH needs to understand that, and support you. Very best of luck to you x

[BrianTheMole]

Yeah, there really are some vicious people on here. I can only assume that there is something missing in their own lives when they jump on here to give a vulnerable person a cyber kicking, following each other like sheep. All because the op came on to relationships to ask for some help.

[fifi669]

I think your first mistake was choosing the best mate and the second was doing it over several months!

That said, now it's all said and done, if you want to save your marriage it's time to close ranks. Marriage is between two people and right now you're Prince Charles! Bin off D. It's time to prioritise.

[Upcycled]

Did the husband participated or just watched?

[MadameDefarge]

upcycle, that is pretty prurient and unnecessary.

You wanna watch the video?

[waltermittymissus]

Did the husband participated or just watched?

Er...why do you need to know that??

[MadameDefarge]

Perv off elsewhere upcycled.

Or really rethink your posting style.

[NakedTigarCub]

I have nothing agenst women having fun and being sexual or about swinging but this whole thing seems very unhealthy.

If it was D that had a crush on you, would your dh be happy to have him round you then?

Did you talk about what if's with your dh? What if I get pg? What if he falls in love with me? What bountries were put in place?

A threesome is just about sex not attachment or closeness, I dont think this was what you were after?


Hope the conuciling helps but its a long process and it hurts more before.it gets better. You need to be honest and open for it to work.