Threesome got complicated...

[Honeybee88x]

Hi I am new to mumsnet. I have browsed the site many times before but never signed up but I just wanted some input about a current situation I have. I am sorry but this is going to be a long post and i am very grateful to anyone who reads it all and can help me...well i dont really know what i want from posting this i think i just want to get it all out of my head.

I will be 26 soon and have an amazing husband, who will be 28 soon and 2 kids, DD who is nearly 2.5 and DS who is 8 months.

I know that when some of you read the rest of my post you will probably think that I am lying to you or myself but My husband and I have a very good relationship we have been through alot together over the last 6 years of our relationship and we have so much respect and love for each other we talk about everything and dont really fight much. My husband has in the past been very ill and I have had to deal with the very real threat that he would be taken from me without either of us wanting that to happen and it has a way of making you appreciate each other.

My husband has always liked the idea of seeing me sleep with other men or having a threesome. we talked about this for along time and decided to make this fantasy a reality this summer. We researched this and all the sites said not to do it with someone you know as i more often than not getting complicated, but i wasnt comfortable doing it with someone I didnt know and trust so we eventually decided to ask my husbands best friend, he is 30 and single, he lives down south (we live in the East Midlands) so we dont see him all the time anyway. Ill call him D.

He agreed to experiment with us and we had alot of fun between june and august. but after having my little girl in 2011 i have been battling postnatal depression and i hit an all time low in the middle of august and after not being able to sleep for 36 hours i ran off not really thinking of what i was doing or where i was going i ended up closer to D than the East Midlands. as my husband needed to stay with our kids and i cant drive and i did not want to come home and cope with things D came to find me at the hotel i had booked myself into and after listening to me for a while he took me out to get something to eat and drove me around pointing out landmarks and we went to his house for a few minutes, we didnt stay long as his dad lives with him and didnt want to explain why i was there and my husband wasnt as this was also the first time i had been to his house (D finds it hard to get close to people so i think he wanted to get out of the hotel cos he didnt know what to say to me to make me feel better).

He took me back to the hotel and we ended up kissing and getting in the shower together until i said i had promised my husband that we wouldnt do anything sexual when he wasnt there and we stopped. D was very upset with himself for letting my husband down. as i said he is very closed off but he was visibly upset when he realised what he had done. my husband was understandly very upset and angry mainly for the fact that he felt D had took advantage of me when i was in such a vulnerable state.

my husband decided he needed some space away from him. D keep sending messages and a letter. and eventually my hubby let him back in, he is a very big part of our life our families see D as family and our kids love "uncle D" to bits and he loves them and my hubby didnt want to shut him off from all that and he missed his best friend.

we all agreed that things were getting to close and decided to stop the threesome.

my problem is that I was getting emotionally attached to D while having sex and we would cuddle afterwards sometimes for hours. I feel like i have now got to the point where i think i have fallen in love with him. i thought at first it was just because of the intimacy of the sex but it hasnt gone away. it is starting to hurt being around him and not being able to touch and kiss him. it hurts so badly to think he is going to be with someone else at some point and i cant and shouldnt do anything about it but it is still going to phsyically hurt to see someone else in his arms, kissing him and getting close to him. i am so confused it is hurting to feel this way and not being able to be with him.

but on the other hand when i look at this logically i know that i love my husband more than anything and he is my soul mate, he matches me perfectly, we have a good, close, intimate, respectful relationship and i know that if i left and had a relationship with D (thats if hed have me!) i wouldnt be happy as D has issues with intimacy and getting close to someone, he does somethings that annoy me so much and i just know that it would work for a while and then the relationship would go bad.

my husband and me have talked about all this. he knows everything about what i am thinking and feeling and he is so supportive and listens to me and tries to help me feel better but i am hurting because i know how much it must be hurting him to hear about my feelings for another man.

I have thought about this and the only way i can think of is like you broke up with someone (as thats what is feels like but worse as i shouldnt feel this way and cant really talk my feelings through with anyone) i am so confused i feel rejected and unwanted by him because he doesnt tell me he wants me or how he feels about me but my hubby always says to me that its not that he doesnt want me its just that he knows hes not allowed to show it.

but when you break uo with someone you distance yourself and have time to heel and dont usually see them again to bring up the feelings or not being wanted and you cut them off. i said to my husband i want to cut D off and have no contact so that we can deal with my feelings but he is resistant to the idea as he doesnt want to lose his best friend and doesnt want our families to question his absence as he is so ingrained in family events and have our children miss him.

I just dont know what to do anymore. i am still trying to get myself out of the black hole that opened up in august and this is another thing getting me down.

I think about D soooo much and imagine being with but i cant (and actually really dont want to ) but i cant make the feelings go away no matter how hard i try :(

[Upcycled]

I just wanted to understand the whole cuddling and kissing for hours thing, that is why I asked.

OP, I have no experience in threesomes but it seems weird that your husband would feel comfortable with you getting intimate with his best friend instead of a stranger and would not put your feelings first instead of his own feelings or his friend's feelings.

It seems to me that his affection is more directed at D than at you.

I might be spectacularly wrong, but sorry you asked for opinions.

Good lucky on your counselling and PND treatment.

[Oblomov]

Christ on a bike. What a f**king mess.
OP?
I think you need to have a very hard long sob. And then re-read the thread and decide what to do first.

[paxtecum]

Annakin: Yes dear. OP does realise that it was all a mistake and she is in a total mess. Did you not read it?

Maybe unlike you, some of us do understand because we have been there and done that!
Really, what is the point of telling OP that she has been stupid?

Oblomov: Why bother posting something so unhelpful?
Why not just read and run?

She didn't post on AIBU - have I been stupid?
She is living the consequences of her and her partner's decisions and is in a total mess.

[waltermittymissus]

paxtecum will you please stop telling people what they should and shouldn't be posting.

It's not your job to censor the thread.

[BrianTheMole]

Don't think Paxtecum is telling people what to write. He / she is voicing an opinion just like everyone else