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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

need affirmation for this relationship

45 replies

plopp · 15/12/2013 21:36

ok did a post earlier on where I was slated.
Have a boyfriend, 3 years and he is a typical French hunter type.
He is my neighbour and we were friends for many years and slowly got to know each other. I was very wary but true to form fell in love with him. My last post was were I was upset because he would, after not spending time with me because he was too busy, he would do a dinner party with his closest friends and I was not invited. I was slated for this.
Now he does things for me, like he ploughed a field which is now my veg patch which i love and any other probs, he is there to fix them.
I was away working and when i returned all I got was a peck on the lips, I leaned in for a bigger peck and cuddle but just got a peck.
I have been back just over 2 weeks and apart from smiley waves I have not seen him.
I always thought he was not a player type which made me fall for him but we had a village gathering in the summer which is the only one he goes too and the previous year he took me and paid for me. This year I waited for him to invite and he only bought it up the day before - he thought I was going with the English to another Fete but I said no I want to go to your do,
So i waited for him and waited eventually I phoned him and he said he was there working so I went there, paid for my dinner, and he was at the bar with some old friends, a man and woman who were brother and sister. He and her had so much chemistry and he said to me to sit opposite them = this culture here you sit next to your intended - anyway I was a bit bemused by all this as for me it was out of character for him - they were touchy feely - and when she said who is he he said she is my neighbour...
Since the we have been ok and he has said I love you but i went away to work for 2 weeks and when i got back all i had was a quick peck on the lips and now its been 2 and a half weeks and he has not been to see me - he has been busy but tonight i was with his friends and another ladys name came up in the conversation
I am fed up being alone every night, i have to finish with him though i love him but I have to live next to him and want to be on good terms.
Am I over thinking things or what?

OP posts:

thenightsky · 15/12/2013 21:39

How can you 'finish' with him when you are not in a relationship with him?

Sorry if I misread your OP though.

TheCatThatSmiled · 15/12/2013 21:40

I'm sorry but I think he is looking for a casual FWB thing. He likes you, and will do neighbourly things - but does not see you as any sort of a couple, and I don't think there is a future together on the cards.

PatriciaHolm · 15/12/2013 21:45

You don't have a relationship, at least as far as he's concerned, do you? He likes having you on hand for a shag when it works for him, but he's not your boyfriend in any way, sorry. I would distance yourself and move on!

FreakinAllAboutSugar · 15/12/2013 21:47

It looks like he is trying to do the "slow fade" - avoiding the confrontation of a proper breakup but easing out of your life. A schoolboy move if you ask me, patetic in a grown man.

He had to know you would be hurt by his getting "touchy feely" with his friend's sister in front of you, and by his demoting you to "his neighbour" when introducing you.

This non-relationship isn't even worth a breakup conversation - just write him off in your own mind - demote him to just a neighbour to whom you are polite and cordial but nothing more.

Next time he goes in for one of those half-hearted pecks, YOU be the one to lean back.

thenightsky · 15/12/2013 21:50

I was not invited. I was slated for this

How? Why? He didn't invite you. i don't understand this.

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 22:00

I mean this nicely, but what makes you think he's your boyfriend? Your post doesn't make it clear why you should be under the impression you're in a relationship with him.

Original poster

plopp · 15/12/2013 22:00

Yes I think you are all correct, when he first started wooing me - it took him 9 months before he first kissed me and I thought he was shy - he was about to buy a house behind me to do up as a gite and he wanted me to make the web page and get punters.
I am so muddled up in my thoughts but always thought if you have to resort to writing up to a relationship forum then things are not okay.

OP posts:

lollerskates · 15/12/2013 22:01

I don't think he's your boyfriend. Sorry.

AuntieStella · 15/12/2013 22:05

Have you ever been publicly acknowledged as a girlfriend?

It does seem as if he is treating you more as a convenience than anyinf else.

Now, if you like it how things are, that's fine. But it sounds as if is might not be the set up for you.

WhoNickedMyName · 15/12/2013 22:10

I don't think he realises that he is in a relationship with you... Because he's not, sorry.

He sounds like a lovely friendly neighbour but nothing you've said indicates that there is any more to it than that.

Original poster

plopp · 15/12/2013 22:12

everyone thinks of us as a couple because we were together for over 3 years and although he has said he would not get married again - he nearly lost his house and farm to his ex - he is still paying her off - but he said maybe we will live together.
freaking - yes I think he is doing the 'slow fade'
He does not like confrontation - when i posted before and got slated 'thenightsky' it was after he was too busy to see me then had his closest friends over for dinner - I was slated for this with people calling me nancy Mitford and I should let him have his time alone but we are in our 50's and its not your normal relationship - he is all smiley, beeps when he drives past so he prob thinks its all okay but for me i want more

OP posts:

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 22:12

I may be wrong, but I think there's a good chance plopp's first language isn't English. With more detail, we might get a fuller picture.

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 22:14

Sorry plopp, we posted at the same time. When was your three year relationship? How did it differ to a friendship?

Original poster

plopp · 15/12/2013 22:21

Vivacia #I am English but living abroad - he is foreign. It is a 3 year plus relationship - flowers for bithdays, valentines day but now it feels like its a one sided relationship

OP posts:

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 22:26

That could describe a friendship, or a mother-and-son relationship. Do you have any evidence to suggest that your relationship was different?

Original poster

plopp · 15/12/2013 22:34

I thought our relationship was a normal one - it was firstly based on friendship, turned sexual and there was respect, the flowers etc,
He is very close to his mum and when you said the mother and son thing that struck a cord because he , as a farmer works long hours and is up 5.30am and his mum lives next door so he has breakfast there, goes off to work back for lunch and dinner. She is now not in the best of health - #~Parkinsons - so I do think that when she goes i will be a replacement to his mum but at the moment I am not getting the attention I deserve - I think..

OP posts:

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 22:36

What do you think about the suggestions above that he's not actually your boyfriend?

Original poster

plopp · 15/12/2013 22:51

I don't understand but he has been my boyfriend for over 3 years in many respects but I feel that i am just here for him when he needs me - maybe he is doing the slow fade or he is just busy - I don't know. I don't feel like a girlfriend and I have not made myself available, i.e I have not popped over to his as normal for over 2 weeks and although he waves when passing I don't think he will come looking for me - if that makes sense.
I would love to just go to him and say 'whats up, lets finish' - but somehow I think he thinks all is okay.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 07:12

He thinks all is OK but you don't. Rather than waste more of your life waiting for him to decide your fate and allowing him to mess you around, why not simply end it yourself and move on? Take a more assertive attitude that he was lucky to have you in his life and he blew his chance.

Jaynebxl · 16/12/2013 07:16

I think it would be a bit strange if you said to him let's finish. I'd be surprised if he thought there was anything to finish, sadly.

JuneauWhoIAm · 16/12/2013 07:23

A boyfriend that waves and beeps when he passes isn't really a boyfriend now is he?

That's more like a neighbourly thing to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 07:23

I agree Jaynbxl. I think he's been half-heartedly keeping the OP 'warm' for when mother pops her clogs. I once met a man said he needed to take a wife to look after him in his old age. 'You know what WIFE stands for, don't you...? ' he said 'Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc'.

MistressDeeCee · 16/12/2013 07:28

You're not in a relationship with this man. Its just casual get togethers from time to time. He might even be bemused if you say 'we're finished' as it doesnt even sound as if you were an item. Well, perhaps he may have given you the impression you were at one time- especially as you had sex with him - but actions speak louder than words, dont they? He doesnt really bother with you. I cant see the point of worrying about being on good terms with him. How can you guarantee that? What you need to think about is yourself...and 'now'. It must be hurtful, though..not a nice situation at all. But you will get over it eventually.

aaaaaaa · 16/12/2013 07:43

Ignoring everything else, he introduced you to friends, as his neighbour.

sorry, but i also don't think he realises you think that the pair of you are in a relationship

Joysmum · 16/12/2013 07:47

How's that a relationship?

People in live actually want to be together when they get the chance, even if the liaison is secret from the rest of the world.

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