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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

need affirmation for this relationship

45 replies

plopp · 15/12/2013 21:36

ok did a post earlier on where I was slated.
Have a boyfriend, 3 years and he is a typical French hunter type.
He is my neighbour and we were friends for many years and slowly got to know each other. I was very wary but true to form fell in love with him. My last post was were I was upset because he would, after not spending time with me because he was too busy, he would do a dinner party with his closest friends and I was not invited. I was slated for this.
Now he does things for me, like he ploughed a field which is now my veg patch which i love and any other probs, he is there to fix them.
I was away working and when i returned all I got was a peck on the lips, I leaned in for a bigger peck and cuddle but just got a peck.
I have been back just over 2 weeks and apart from smiley waves I have not seen him.
I always thought he was not a player type which made me fall for him but we had a village gathering in the summer which is the only one he goes too and the previous year he took me and paid for me. This year I waited for him to invite and he only bought it up the day before - he thought I was going with the English to another Fete but I said no I want to go to your do,
So i waited for him and waited eventually I phoned him and he said he was there working so I went there, paid for my dinner, and he was at the bar with some old friends, a man and woman who were brother and sister. He and her had so much chemistry and he said to me to sit opposite them = this culture here you sit next to your intended - anyway I was a bit bemused by all this as for me it was out of character for him - they were touchy feely - and when she said who is he he said she is my neighbour...
Since the we have been ok and he has said I love you but i went away to work for 2 weeks and when i got back all i had was a quick peck on the lips and now its been 2 and a half weeks and he has not been to see me - he has been busy but tonight i was with his friends and another ladys name came up in the conversation
I am fed up being alone every night, i have to finish with him though i love him but I have to live next to him and want to be on good terms.
Am I over thinking things or what?

OP posts:

aaaaaaa · 16/12/2013 09:52

Although...he did talk to you about moving in together?

Strawberrykisses · 16/12/2013 09:57

Has he ever called you his girlfriend? Has he ever said "I love you"? I don't think you are in a rekati

Strawberrykisses · 16/12/2013 10:01

Whoops, toddler plonked on my knee!
I don't think this is a relationship, I think it is a friendship that has crossed a couple of boundaries but he doesn't feel the way you do.

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 10:01

For some reason, and I know I'm stating the obvious, the OP isn't engaging with the suggestions that he was never in a relationship with her.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/12/2013 10:10

Um, you're a casual fling to him, a neighbour with benefits.

Original poster

plopp · 16/12/2013 10:20

Yes he has said I am in girlfriend and has said I love you. It's always been a slow relationship. His marriage broke up about 8/9 years ago and he never had any girlfriend before me.
He has always said he would never get married again as he nearly lost his house and farm and is still paying off the ex. He said maybe we will live together when I bought up the subject.
But yes I feel like a neighbour with benefits.

OP posts:

Strawberrykisses · 16/12/2013 10:44

I think the best thing you can do is nothing. There is nothing to finish. Wave in the street, engage in polite conversation when you have to, don't rely on him to do stuff for you and don't shag him if you don't want to be nothing more than a fuck buddy. Sorry, sounds like a shitty situation.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/12/2013 16:30

Right, so you brought up the idea of living together and he said maybe at some point in the future... that's quite a long way from yes.

Aren't there perhaps a few cultural differences here too? More tolerance of 'affairs', whether from within or outside a marriage as normal, less emphasis or rigid, public monogamy?

So he may well have seen you as a 'girlfriend' without that meaning you were exclusive or committed.

MistressDeeCee · 17/12/2013 01:52

I'm probably going to be ticked off by some for saying this, but...

OP - don't believe you're telling the truth. You've put up a post about a 'relationship' with this man yet you somehow managed to completely miss out these (very relevant) details mainly 'you're my girlfriend, I love you, we will live together'.If he'd made you these promises I feel you would have said so earlier in thread - certainly, before anyone asked you.

IF as you claim he told you he hasn't had a girlfriend for 8/9 years - why don't you accept what he said? he was telling you he doesn't have relationships/girlfriends -just casual flings. If you want a serious relationship you have to accept its not going to be with this man as he doesn't want one with you. You will get over it in time. Best to go for someone who wants the same as you - an exclusive relationship. There's nothing you can do if this man doesn't want you. Its his choice.

meditrina · 17/12/2013 06:47

I am left wondering just which people think they are a couple, when - at a big public occasion such as a fete - he describes you only as his neighbour and conspicuously flirts with the sister of his friend.

Original poster

plopp · 17/12/2013 09:16

MistressDeeCee - sorry if I had missed out on some things - I did mention the i love you bit in my OP - but it was late when I typed it up.
Anyway the other night I was at someones house and he came up in the conversation and one of the guys said 'ah isabelle' which is not the name of the woman at the fete. i asked who is she but the conversation changed - this is all in a language i am learning so is a bit hard.
He is always working here under my nose as its a farm.
He was single for years after his divorce because he did not want to be with anyone, and I liked him because he did not seem to be a player type.
He would tell people he was very happy to be in a relationship with me but wants to take it slow - so slow at times it was frustrating.
Now do I mention this woman's name to him or what?

OP posts:

Vivacia · 17/12/2013 09:23

plopp what do you think of this suggestion, He was never in a relationship with you. He would be surprised to hear that you thought he was. He would therefore be confused to hear it was over.

MooncupGoddess · 17/12/2013 09:27

When did you last have any sexual contact with him?

Original poster

plopp · 17/12/2013 09:35

vivacia i don't know, i think i am the more surprised one if people think that giving the time we have been together, things he said - maybe I am missing the point here.
mooncup - about a month ago, just before I went away for 2 weeks.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 17/12/2013 10:35

He sounds like someone who has liaisons not relationships.

That doesn't make him a player exactly - and in using that term I think you're trying to impose your cultural view of how relationships are defined on someone who sees them differently.

Twinklestein · 17/12/2013 10:50

French paysan are notoriously recalcitrant, I wouldn't bother asking about Isabelle, just accept that for reasons unknown he's decided 'non'.

noddyholder · 17/12/2013 10:59

This isn't a relationship it is a convenience for him. DOn't waste your time if you are looking for convention

Original poster

plopp · 17/12/2013 20:25

Just had a visit from Monsieur. He had made me a wreath -xmas one for my door - and has asked me what I was doing for New years Eve and has invited me for dinner. Said I would let him know. Just had a nice chat and laugh about nothing - he's been busy, a bit behind with work... asked me about my day etc
Isabelle I found out through other people is a local woman, a bit of an alkie - I know her but did not know her name - anyway she walks to the local town about 5 miles, buys what she needs and hitches lifts there and back and he had given her a lift, someone saw him with her in the car and that's why her name was mentioned.

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 18/12/2013 01:21

If a man wants you, be assured you will know it. He will be there with you, be involved on your life, celebrate you, take you out as his girlfriend. You wouldn't even have to wonder if you were in a relationship you'd be with him now -not just next week at christmastime. Relationships are about everyday, not special holidays. If you hold onto being with him at christmas and new year as being special - IF it happens - then what's to say but that I hope it stays fine for you. Also its never wise to 2nd guess a man - look at him how he is, not how you wish him to be. & if you can accept that then its fine

MistressDeeCee · 18/12/2013 01:26

& I don't feel he necessarily bad, just that he may not want the kind of relationship you want. Again, you have to look at how a man is not how you want him to be. Despite all advice on here it just sounds as if you are habging around waiting for this man, and when he throws you a kind word or a promise your heart sings. So you want to be with him whatever the case. As said if you can accept he may not want the level of commitment you do then, just go with what it is. You're not in a relationship now anyway, after all. Some people can do 'casual' quite well

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