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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband who holds all the cards

29 replies

Whattodo75 · 15/12/2013 20:46

Hi all,I'm a new member have been lurking for a couple of weeks now. I have a major problem with a depressed dh although I've been more than helpful and tried my best to understand what he was going through by pushing him to go to the doctors and a councillor to seek help with his depression. His depression comes from alcoholic parents and a terrible childhood. When I married him there was no signs of this,sorry for the long post but his brother committed suicide a few years ago and lately he hates himself and even the slightest fight kicks off with him storming off . I'm at the stage where I feel I'm been held accountable for his choice to live or not please help should I be phoning him begging him to come home or let him choose his own way?? Please understand I've lived with his depression for over a year and it's not the 1st time this has happened any help is welcomed

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 15/12/2013 20:51

You cannot make decisions for him and you certainly shouldn't change your behaviour to try to persuade him to get help. ("If I am concerned enough, then he will get help" type thinking.)

It sounds like he's got no real desire to change - I suppose he thinks he's got a "get out of jail free" card for bad behaviour?

EirikurNoromaour · 15/12/2013 20:51

If you believe he's genuinely suicidal you really need to call the police who will visit along with an AMHP (mental health professional)
It's not your job to keep him alive :(

CailinDana · 15/12/2013 20:58

If he threatens suicide call the police every time.

Original poster

Whattodo75 · 15/12/2013 21:02

Thank ladies I'm just so sick of will he wont he after a disagreement tonight he stormed off now I just get to sit and wait till he hopefully comes home which I'm sure he will. I'm sick of living with his depression and not sure I can cope with his behaviour anymore,is there anyone out there who has lived with a depressed partner??

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/12/2013 21:13

Does he behave the same way with everyone he meets... co-workers, friends, strangers... flying off the handle, threatening suicide and/or storming off, or is that something only you get to see? If you're sick of living with the behaviour you are under no obligation to keep taking the punishment and it's not your job to try to 'fix' him. If he has currently stormed off, therefore, leave him be.

Original poster

Whattodo75 · 15/12/2013 21:19

Yes I see where you are coming from. His depression can be hidden some people think he is grumpy. If he was to do something stupid I couldn't forgive myself.

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Mintyy · 15/12/2013 21:23

If you can't put up with it any longer then please leave and get yourself a happier life. Depression is a terrible illness but anyone who truly loved you would not want you to be shackled to it.

Original poster

Whattodo75 · 15/12/2013 21:34

Mintyy. Thanks for your reply but living with someone who I have kids with and is a good dad but has a horrible problem with depression is not easy to walk away from,I'm sorry if I seem weak I just wondering if anyone else is in the same situation as I am in

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Original poster

Whattodo75 · 15/12/2013 21:47

He's home, sitting downstairs at least I can go asleep. He walked around for 3 hours.Now I'm glad I never called him,I'm just sick of walking on egg shells.

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foolonthehill · 15/12/2013 21:51

Depression is a terrible illness but you are not responsible for it or the choices your DH makes.

Is he on medication or does he resist the idea?
Is he open to seeking medical help for the acute situation? And the possibility of psychological support for the issues you allude to?

Depression is a terrible illness but people do have to cope with life and manage their illness. It shouldn't be a stick to beat the world with.

if he is incapable of making those choices then he can be sectioned as he is a danger to himself and those around (his GP would be the one to contact if you think this is the case). If he is capable but unwilling then you can do no more than point him in the right direction and then spend your energies on looking after yourself and your DC. Whether you have to do that away from him or in the same home only you can tell.

good luck op.
I call depression the "selfish disease" because it turns people so far in on themselves they cannot see/hear the people they love any more.

Of course some people use "depression" as an excuse for bad selfish behaviour.........

foolonthehill · 15/12/2013 21:53

PS you should not modify who you are or what you do for a depressive....be sympathetic/empathic yes, but the disease will drink you dry if you do not maintain some boundaries around yourself and your energy.

Original poster

Whattodo75 · 15/12/2013 22:02

Foolonthehill thanks for your reply Yes he was put a on anti depressant a year ago now and has talked to someone about how he feels,he has a history of self harm from his teenage years and unfortunately this issue has rose up again. I love my husband but can't help feeling pissed off and am sick of the shit situation I find myself in.

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Original poster

Whattodo75 · 15/12/2013 22:03

Raised not rose

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foolonthehill · 15/12/2013 22:29

Yup...you can love someone and be at the end of your tether. Especially if you find that you are wondering whether he will ever be well enough to participate in normal life.

Try hard to put a few protective things in place for you....nights out (if you can't safely leave the DC with him because you cannot trust him to be ok then you probably need to look at living separately for a while), real life support, something creative to do...occasional weekends away at relatives without him....whatever makes life bearable and recharges your batteries.

Show your children that life is for living...and don't let yourself be the whipping boy for his illness. Don't be guilted into giving up on life yourself...

If he is no better on his ADs after a year (or is even worse) and self harming behaviour is re-emergent he may be on the wrong ADs (some promote impulsive behaviour in some personality types)...if he is only seeing a GP this may be the time for a Psych involvement and he might be eligible for alternative therapy like ECT

SolidGoldBrass · 15/12/2013 22:35

It;s OK to walk away from this relationship. It can't be doing your DC much good to have their father constantly flouncing off wailing that no one understands him and he's going to kill himself and you'll all be Really Sorry. An awful lot of men claim to have depression as an excuse for behaving like shits, but even if he really is ill and really can't help it that still doesn't mean you have to put up with him mistreating you.

Original poster

Whattodo75 · 15/12/2013 22:52

Thank you all for replying. He is going to start coming off his AD in January slowly under the doctors supervision. He would never physically hurt our children but can be grumpy around them. I always put my happy face on dealing with the kids so they think I'm the fun parent.By nature I'm a happy go lucky type of person also happy to be in the middle of it all. I'm just glad I didn't phone him earlier,he is still downstairs sulking.For now I just have to accept that I can't control his actions and what will be will be.

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Glenshee · 15/12/2013 23:33

It is very hard to live around someone depressed and not display some of the depression behaviours yourself. Also, panic/anxiety attacks and low self-esteem is something that some people develop because nothing they do seems to be good enough in the eyes of the depressed person. Have you considered counseling for yourself?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 06:44

If he's on ADs and still acting angrily & aggressively towards you and sulking when things aren't going fully his way etc then either the medication is not adequate to control his behaviour or the medication is working and he is choosing to be a bully anyway.

You said originally that you had to 'push' him to get a diagnosis and treatment i.e. he only did so under duress. Does he ever apologise for his treatment of you and the rest of the family? Does he volunteer to get back to the GP for more/better help because he's so unstable? In short, does he take any responsibility for his behaviour or does he just wave the 'depressed' flag and you're expected to put up with everything he throws at you?

summermovedon · 16/12/2013 07:08

Why is he coming off his ADs when he obviously is not better? My xh went to his gp and told them he felt suicidal and they diagnosed him with depression. He self-medicated hugely with alcohol. My personal opinion after years of trying to help him and him behaving in a similar way to your H, was actually he got a lot of attention that way. Instead of trying to get better, it was always my (or someone else's) fault, if I behaved in a way he didn't like he stormed off and drank, if he felt blue or tired or happy he stormed off (inevitably to drink). If he didn't want to go to work or wanted a lift he told me all about how he felt like jumping on a train track, or to lie down in the cold, graphically (in hindsight I don't think this is normal for a suicidal depressive, I believe it is not something that is talked about like that). He decided on a 'safeword' so that if he wanted to come home and get me to disappear to bed and not bother him, he could say that word, as he was 'suicidal'. He basically had total control over me and emotionally was very abusive through his behaviour. I (retrospectively) don't believe he had depression 'proper', he seemed to turn it on and off for attention (from therapists, drs, family, friends) at will, and I have known people with it that couldn't even get out of bed. He didn't get out of bed, so he didn't have to deal with family life, unless he had something fun to do.

So my opinion on your situation, stop running after him. If your H has depression tell him to keep getting treatment. If he flounces, start setting down boundaries. When you are worried about someone it is easy to stop all boundaries and let them get away with all behaviour, and it should not be a carte blanche to treat you as he wishes. Remember yourself in all of it and your needs. That and everything Cogito said.

Original poster

Whattodo75 · 16/12/2013 08:10

He wants to come off his AD as he feels they are not really helping him. He has bad side effects such as insomnia,he would sometimes sleep for two hours most a night needless to say he looks dreadful with black bags under his eyes. He went to a therapist and said that he felt better for talking about the past and his feelings than taking his AD. Summermovedon : yes unfortunately alcohol would make him more depressed he has self harmed as an adult only whe he was drinking. We had a few drinks on Saturday so maybe he was in bad mood from this.He would never storm off drinking to the pub or anything like that. Yesterday when he stormed out without saying a thing to me he never said he was going to kill himself,but from the past history he would know that would be going through my mind.I realise that giving up alcohol seems to be the way forward here.Thanks for sharing your story with me.

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foolonthehill · 16/12/2013 11:03

There are all sorts of answers I could post about your DH and his symptoms and diagnosis...but actually what I am going to ask is this...

can you manage?
Are you happy?
Can you see light at the end of the tunnel?
Can you preserve yourself and DC in this situation?
Do you believe he is depressed and this causes all the symptoms or do you believe it is also a mask for his bad behaviour...things he chooses to do?
What are your children learning in your relationship? Resilience, love, steadfastness and a sense of self? Or that they need to tiptoe round their father trying not to upset the apple cart, subduing their needs and wants to keep the peace...the patterns learned in childhood are very very powerful.

If your DHs needs and wants trump everyone else's all the time then this is not right or healthy.

Knowing this does not make you selfish, every person in your family is equally important and you all need to know and feel that.

cestlavielife · 16/12/2013 11:17

read depression fallout andhave a look at the message board.
www.depressionfallout.org/
msotly it is about setting boundaries - and calling the police every time he threatens suicide...

this is good too
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154/ref=pd_sim_b_1

really it is up to him to seek help toa ddress his terrible childhood and try to move forward from that.
by saying oh he had a terrible childhood etc you are giving him a card to beahve as he likes...he needs to tell gp "i need help therapy to deal w ith my terrible childhood" ...

if he is coming off ADs what alternative is he going to take?

also do tell GP yourself every single episode tlike this keep a log and hand it in to GP. on a weekly or monthly basis - dates, times, what he did, how long he went off for etc. because he sure wont tell GP this...

Trigglesx · 16/12/2013 11:29

So he's still displaying depressive behaviour, he's drinking, he's possibly suicidal and/or self harming, he's told his therapist that he feels better (which means he is either lying to the therapist or himself at best), he is looking to come off ADs without a clear strategy for going on alternative ADs of some sort.

So he knows he has a problem and is literally doing everything he can to sabotage his treatment and chances of getting better.

Realistically, I think you need to consider whether you might be better separating and allowing him to come to terms with this on his own. Living this way will literally suck the life out of you and if you've got children, you can bet they've noticed and are affected.

Original poster

Whattodo75 · 16/12/2013 15:27

Dh apologised by text for last night,I replyed by telling him enough is enough and I will not be dragged down anymore for my own and dc sake.When he gets home from work will we have to sort this mess out.My dh is a good kind generous person which why all of this has been tearing me apart.We have a good marriage apart from his depression kicking off every now and again. Thank you all for the incredible support which you have all shown me,as a first time poster you really are a great lot. I'm glad I'm not seen as a selfish cow for been fed up.I will definitely look up the links which have been posted up thanks again

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SolidGoldBrass · 16/12/2013 16:58

Yup, there are some people who enjoy their 'depression.' It's a great justification for never doing anything they don't want to do and being the centre of attention all the time. If you've got one of these, the only thing to do is get rid of the person as much as possible and close your ears to the wails of 'But I'll kill myself if I don't get my own way.' They're never obliging enough to do it and get out of your hair.

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